I'm so addicted to the Arctic monkeys song 'why'd you only call me when you're high'. I don't know why, but it's soooo good. Like, I can't stop listening. It's on repeat for three days now. I still can't sing it yet, but I'm working on it, because God Damn I need to learn every word in this song. It's sooo good.
But enough about my playlist for now. To be honest, I wanted to tell you about my dreams. Ah, yes, apparently my brains decided to play a joke on my by creating vivid images in my head while I'm sleeping. What do I mean by 'vivid'? Well, first of all, it's about my friends. In situations that could actually happen. I don't want to go through every detail, because I don't really feel like describing who touched me where or something like that. Well, the point is, my dreams were pretty wild. Like, wild wild. I can't remember the last time I had that kind of dreams! (don't pretend you don't have sex dreams, we all do and it's nothing to be embarrassed about :3) but honestly, why would I have that kind of dreams about them? I should really take a break from all of them and give them an opportunity to, idk, miss me? that sounds stupid, right? But I feel like I should do that. Aaah, decisions decisions. I hate being alone and here I am planning on taking a break from only people that still talk to me. Well, it's more me, trying to talk with them, but that's not the point. Back to my dreams. Even if they are quite pleasant (who doesn't like to be kissed there and there, touched there and there and stuff like that, m?) I would actually like it to stop. Not that I wouldn't enjoy them, no, but we at this point we all know how quickly I get a crush on someone. And dreams that make me feel stuff really doesn't help to keep my distance from certain person. See? See?! I'm already excluding someone in my friend list and that's not how it's supposed to be. I am not repeating the same mistake I made when I was younger.
For the past few days I talked about crushes a lot. With my ex-best friend, with whom I've started talking on daily basis again, with myself, with my aunts, with my current best friend... and it actually gets me thinking. I mean, yes, I do, I really really do want relationship, but can you imagine how different would it be? For example, let's imagine that I'd start dating that classmate that likes me. Majority of my friends are guys. Like, really attractive guys. Would he be ok with it? I hang out with them a lot and my 'boyfriend' would have two options - hang out with us (though I'd probably be against it) or make some time when I'm not with my friends (ha, irony, I haven't talked with them all day). See my problem? Ok, let me spell it for you. I would constantly be around guys. I mean, it's not that I'm not atm, but..ok, I don't know how to explain it.
oh, wait, I do. I don't know if I've told you this before, but there was this guy I once 'dated' (we barely kissed, I don't count that as relationship) and basically while I was 'with him' I hang out with my other guy friends. Long story short, one of my friends was my crush and even when I was supposed to think just about this guy I was 'dating' I only thought about my crush. And I really wanted him to ask me to 'dump' that guy and be with him. Obviously that didn't happen, but hey, girl can dream. So what I'm trying to say is, I'm afraid that while being with someone, I can actually fell for another person and that would make me feel so bad.
I probably don't even make any sense now, right? Sorry, I'm so confused. My dreams made me confused. Let me sum this up. Yes, I do want to have a proper girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. Yes, I do have sex dreams about my friends. Yes, I'm too afraid to abandon my friends for an opportunity of relationship. Ah, fuck me. Why is everything has to be so hard (that's what she said). Oh, God damn, I'm going to watch Community or there might be some nudes sent tonight. Ffs, I'm going crazy.
Have a nice evening x
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