Awkward hug

It's been quite a long time since I got an awkward hug. Well, it was long time ago. And I got one today.

Confession time. I snapchated one of my friends that "I'd fuck you. Honestly." while I was drunk. And then I haven't seen him in like a week or so. And I was pretty sure that that snapchat didn't reach him. But then today my boy squad came over and it was quite awkward.
Maybe I'm just paranoid, I don't know, but I feel terrible. I love my friends so much.
And then it came to the point where they went home. I walked with them to the gates, I got a hug from all of them, but then again, when it came to hugging him, it was so freaking awkward. I kind of think he was really confused and I have no idea why. I always hug my friends.
I'm paranoid, right? I mean, who notices something like a different hug or changed attitude? Or changed hairstyle. or that he doesn't usually wear that kind of clothes. What's wrong with me, hm? Yes, I do like him the most from our group, but that doesn't mean it has to mean something. But honestly, what worries me the most is the hug. Stupid, right? I mean, the last time we hugged it was totally different. Why am I thinking about this? God I'm so confused.
I actually asked if everything is alright. Obviously, I got that 'yes' answer. Am I exaggerating all of this? That's what girls usually do, right? Maybe I'm just typical girl. Maybe I'm not really that good with hanging out with just guys. Why the hell do I care so much?

Ok. Fine. So be it. I like him. More than a friend. Happy? Because I'm not. I've been on this road before. I had a crush on my best-boy friend and it didn't end well. I fucking promised myself I won't do this ever again. And trust me, I'm trying as hard as I can. Last time it helped when I heard about him, being not interested in me. This time, when one of the guys told me that he's not interested in relationship, it helped for... idk, probably five to ten minutes? I don't know how to deal with it. Can I just ignore this problem until it disappears? God I wish my Mum would be here, she'd know what to do.
Anyway, I am pretty sure that at least one of them reads my blog, so I would like to notice everyone, that I hate talking about my post continent in real life. I can, but I hate to do it. Especially when it comes to this. That's like reading my journal, you would never admit that you read it, right? Then don't. Unless you know how to deal with my stupid girlish feelings. I wish I was a guy. They rarely deal with this shit.

And yes, it's pretty fucked up, I know. Sorry. I needed to talk about this with someone, since my best friend decided to joke about it and one of my British girls just says that I should stop being a whiny bitch. Well, I know I am a whiny bitch but here's the thing - I have no idea how to stop.

Good night.