I guess it's my pms or something, I've been in a bad mood all day. Not that it's not usual for me, I'm always complaining (I do know that, I just don't know what else to say when I have nothing to be happy about). But yeah, I have been thinking about old days (lol, old) when I was friends with my boys. Well, not mine anymore, but you know, guys I used to hang out with. Especially that one I liked. It's so easy to say I used to like him when now each memory is accompanied with a shrug and a thought 'how stupid you were'. I was trying to find a reason I liked him, I was remembering every touch, every stare, everything and I was not sure why I let him do what he did. Maybe I was desperate. Maybe I wanted someone to actually love me. The only problem was, stupid me didn't realise that it wasn't out of love. Maybe out of boredom? Out of.... well, I dont believe we were ever sober while making out. Maybe it was alcohol talking-doing. Anyway, I feel so stupid right now. I loved the kisses, I loved the touches, but what's out of it if I could never ask it myself? That it was only when he wanted to. I feel disgusting I let myself fall for a man like him. Can I even call him a man? I mean, we were friends once, I shouldn't say mean things about people who shaped my character, right?
The worst thing was, it was so.... I don't know the word for it, not in English, not in Lithuanian. It's just... he knew when to be there when I needed, he knew what I wanted and he knew how to get what he wants. He was my friend, ok? And I know I miss him, I really do, but at the same time I hate how he treated me those last few months. I felt broken and ashamed and I felt like I was dragged through the mud and been made fun of whenever I was around or even not around. And then I would get thoughts that maybe he doesnt even remember me when I'm not around? because I cant remember the last time any of the guys invited me over. It's like if I didnt make an effort, I didn't exist for them. That's not friendship, is it?
I am upset, dont get me wrong. If I consider someone my friend, I love them unconditionally and I would do anything for them, but after some time, I want to know I'm actually needed. Even with my current best friend. She hasn't messaged me in days, I believe I know why she's mad, even tho she claims she's not, but that's not how it works. I tried messaging her a few times after the incident, she did reply, but I would never get that first message the next day. I can't deal with it. I need to know I'm needed.
Even my aunt. I called her today, because she told me to call her around the time I get back from work and when I tried, she declined the call. I tried again and again. Then tried after two hours and she picked up. I was like 'yaaaas, I'll get to talk to a person that truly loves me' and all I got was 'mh, yeah' answers while I was talking about my day. Like, I doubt she even listened to what I was saying. You have no idea how much this hurt. I just wanted to talk to her. To hear her being mad about things I was mad about and just be there for me. She was the one who told me to call in the first place. I actually feel so lonely today. I was standing in the shower and I was shaking even though then water was hot. I need my warmth, I need someone to actually hold me in their arms and say that they do care about me. Even when I say I dont care about anything, I care about so much. I need someone by my side.
And I'm really sorry this is my petty me talking. I was so sad today, I just wanted to talk to someone. And now I've realised no one wants to listen.
I love you guys so much xx
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