June has been great, honestly!I mean, at least my visit to Lithuania was, anyway. I loved it there, I didn't realise how much I've missed everyone and how much I wanted to stay there. It was really hard not to miss my plane on purpose...
But I'm back in England now, the weather is nice and I have finally moved out of the house to the accommodation! It was such a fuss I was so stressed out I can still feel the feeling lingering. I'm in a debt too so obviously I will not rest until I pay it back. I'm so glad I have someone in my family who has money all the time. I have no idea what would I have done without the help. Felt so very stupid, because I was actually happy to know that this year I've managed to make it without borrowing any money and then the last fucking minute it came up that we didn't understand each other properly (I mean the agency I'm renting from). But as long as I moved in it's fine, I dont need to stress about it anymore. My room is just tiny bit bigger than my previous one but I kinda like the small space, it gives me less work to make it cozy. I still can't quite sleep well here, but thats probably because I still didnt find a place for every thing I own. But yeah, it's fine, I'm ok. I guess. One of the flatmates moved in as well, but haven't really spend any thime with her yet. I was just so busy with work and stress and all I wanted was to sleep it off. Hopefully it is going to be alright later in the year.
Anyway. I've got another job in the werehouse for the summer! The job is quite easy, but I guess my feet are just not used of me standing up for 10-11h straight. I'll get used to it, of course, but for now it just burns so much. But the money is good and we all know I'm a freaking materialist. Already have a list hanging on my wall what will I need to buy when I get paid (clothes and food, obviously).
But if I'm being honest, I opened my blog to talk about Manipulative People. I know I had to briefly tell you how I've been but I've met someone who was manipulative and I knew I had to express myself on this topic. Let me be clear - I hate manipulative people. I hate them will all I've got and I will not let anyone play with me or my feelings. Ok, so it started when I've started my other job. This guy seemed pretty fun to hang out with at work, because it's always better to have someone to have a laugh with during the shift. But then he found me on facebook and kept messaging like day and night. Being me, I kind insulted him at the end of the shift so before all the messages started, I've messaged him saying sorry and explained why I'm being this way. He was like yeah got you dont worry I'm not gonna hurt you or smth like that. But after that he kept messaging me and every time he tried to pick a fight so he could make me feel guilty and basically just keep apologizing. So knowing me, because I hate apologising anf annoying messaging, I told him he's my work buddy not my friend so he should stop messaging me on my facebook. He started saying I'm being rude for no reason so I did what I always do, I blocked him from my feed. I was like YAAAS FREEDOM, NO MORE MESSAGES!!! and the next day he fucking found me on instagram and sent another message saying oh you should apologise I told our manager you were good and etc.. Didnt even accept the message, fuck off mate. Havent seen him at work since beacuse he had some days off and thank God - I dont really want to see him anyway.So yeah, manipulative. I did tell him I hate when people push me and that my friends were really terrible to me for the last year and I have major trust issues when it comes to new people. So in my eyes, he took it to his advantage by making me want to keep him around. Lol, I've spend 20 freaking years by myself, I'm really comfortable this way. So before I got attached or any way involved I blocked myself out. Making people do something against their will with them not even realising it is really, like, really low. And I've been through this already. That's why I'm antisocial, that's why I dont talk to someone if they dont talk to me first. That's why I have trust issues with everyone and I feel insecure 24/7 about everyone that surrounds me. Even my friends whom have proven to be nice, even then I get scared they're actually just playing me. Sometimes I even think that my family is nice to me just because they pity me. Thats how insecure I am about other people. Another thing added up when I went for my medical examination for my driving license and they told me I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 15. I didn't even know that. I knew I had depression but I never knew it was in my medical records. And I cant stop thinking about it. I'm a broken person, ok? All of my pieces are glued with tape and it is so easy to remove it, I'm freaking afraid to even tell someone about it. Sometimes I think I want to get help about this, but whenever I get that thought I remember all of my visits to psychologists and I dont need more questions asked. I have enough in my head on my own. So yeah, if someone tries to manipulate me, my guards will go up so much I will not be afraid to push that person out of my life for good. I finally learned how to put myself first, I learned how to take care of myself and I will not sacrifice this for someone I barely know.
Its just this time for me is really hard. I have two jobs, I almost lost my club job because of the other one and I've been so stressed out lately. I can't deal with it, let alone if someone tries to add it up by annoying me. It was as if karma is getting back to me for something. Plus all the strangers started messaging me and I just want to block all of them. Why people want to talk to me when I want to be all alone so desperately? God I miss my Mum. It was all so much easier when I had Her around.
I need to cry now, talk to you soon, hopefully xx
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