And now Im sad. Like, not too sad, but just sad. I tried dancing, I tried singing, but nothing really seems to have an effect on me. I just keep sighing with every sentence in my head and feel a little bit like crying.
I'm not sad because something happened. Nothing happened. I'm not sad because sad song came on. It didn't. I'm not sad because I'm tired. I love the feeling of tiredness, because it means I did something today. I'm not sad because I broke a candle at work - its not the end of the world. I guess I'm sad because I woke up happy. That's the only explanation I can think of.
I feel like going to sleep just to erase this day from my life. It was such a dull day I bet I wont remember it. The time passes so quickly with this new job, I have one month of summer left and I did nothing with it. I mean, what summer, its been raining all the god damn time. But it doesnt matter, right? I'll have a lot of summers ahead to enjoy.
I'm sad, I dont want to think happy thoughts. I want to break more stuff and I just want to let myself cry a little bit. I actually haven't had a panic attack or a big cry for a long time now. I guess its a good thing, but what I'm afraid of is that it will all come together and it will be really bad. You know what I mean? I've changed since last year. I hated crowds, I hated people staring at me, I hated being noticed. Now I dont really care about it. I got used to being someone's interest. I learnt how to ignore it even if it still hurts that same someone. I mean, its not exactly my problem, I'm always going to put myself first, but if I honestly show no intentions of hm... 'hanging out' with you, why would you keep trying? Like, if I change my mind, I'll let you know.
And with that thought, I reversed the situation and that's probably partly why Im not in the mood. I've messaged someone today and we talked so briefly I felt like I was annoying the person. You know how much I hate being annoying (like bad annoying, not joking annoying, because I love that). My anxiety screams put the phone down, log off from messanger or whatever, just hide until they will notice that you're gone. Or maybe wont notice. See? I treat people the way I'd hate to be treated. But how do I show/tell someone I'm not interested? 'sorry mate your jokes about us getting together are lame and can you please stop its making me uncomfortable'? I'd rather ignore the 'flirty' bit, if that's ok.
I am really useless when it comes to relationships, aren't I?
Anyway, I think I'm going to bed now, tomorrow is going to be a busy day for me, so I'll probably won't post (unless I'll find time in the morning, but I really doubt that)
love you all xx
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