Really

You know how they say that if The King has to say that he is a King, he is not really a King? I hope that this doe not apply to saying that I am not weak.
Because I am not weak.
Trust me, if I was weak I would not be where I am today. I would be deep underground, feeding worms alongside with my dear Parents, with my name on the stone. I saw my Dad hang himself, my Step-father left us without explanation and finally I lost the only Person I loved more than my life. On top of that, I lost my best friend as well. And someone actually thinks that I am weak? Step into my shoes, try it. Trust me, smiling everyday, talking with everyone and not dying takes more than it may look like. I don't like to talk about, really, but that was all I could think about after reading the comment on my previous post. I was the one counselling my family at my Mums funeral. I was the one that told everyone that She is in a better place now. I was the one that tried not to cry so it wouldn't be even more harder on them. You may think that almost three years that passed should have healed anything that was broken, but let me tell you the news. It doesn't heal. I may forget the pain from time to time when I have people I love around me, but trust me, whenever I'm alone, it hurts so fucking much I want to die. You know what it's like to live like that? Live knowing that you won't be able to hug Them anymore? Talk to Them? It hurts. It hurts so much I spend all day trying not to break apart. I try smiling, I try laughing, I try living everyday so my Parents would be proud of me. And when someone says that I am weak, it's... they couldn't be more wrong. They might think that there are people that has way worse than me and I do agree with it. But it doesn't mean that I suffer less.
I remember when I had to go to school after my Mums funeral. We had a psychologist at our school and the more I talked with her, the more I realised what a mess I am. I am a mess, yes, but I am one hell of a strong mess right here. Honestly, anything at the school triggered my emotions. I'd have to leave my lessons for a short break so I'd go to the bathroom and cry the shit out of myself of how much it hurt. Thank God for the teachers that were totally understanding. There were a lot of these moments. I would scream myself to sleep, I would take pills. I actually cut my wrists one time. It wasn't deep, I didn't like what pain did to me, but the fact that I was brave enough to take the knife into my hands was what scared me. I drank huge amounts of sedatives without anyone knowing. I'd go and buy them so no one would notice the shortage back home. I was a mess back then but I survived. I still have nights when I want to scream and kill myself and there is no one stopping me. No one except my Parents. Ironic, isn't it? I look at their wedding picture, where they are so happy and inlove and I think to myself that I want that. I want that and more, I want Them to look at me from the sky and be proud of me. I actually made myself believe They are with me. Now I don't know what do you think, but honestly, calling me weak is the biggest insult I could ever receive. I am not weak. My Mum wasn't weak and I know Im not on Her level yet, but I'm getting here. I want Her to be proud of me.

And yes, I tried to be around my friends as much as I could today. I tried not to be alone but here I am, in my room, in my pyjamas, listening to Panic at the disco, crying, writing this and waiting for my Aunt to call me. And thinking over and over how I miss my Parents. On this day especially, I miss my Dad. I didn't really knew him, I mean, I was almost five years old, but honestly, for 11 years he was there for me when I needed someone to miss. When I needed a simple reason to cry, when I needed someone to share a secret. He was there and I love Him so much for it. He means the world to me. And realising that it was 14 since the last time we spoke.... It scares the hell out of me. I can still remember Him, at least the last episode of our conversation. I Loved Him then and I will always Love Him in the future. He was someone I could rely on even if He physically wasn't there. Thank You, Dad, for being the Best Dad You could have possibly be for me.

And I'm sorry I'm not putting any gif here. I don't feel like I should. Same as the last post of mines. I don't want anything there. Especially today. I just want to cry for a little bit, if that's ok.