guys ;3
So, remember when I told you about my inability to talk freely and that it was fine as long as my guys were the talking ones? well, yesterday was so totally awkward I can't even describe it. I mean, I kind of have an idea why, but it hasn't stopped them from talking the last time?
or maybe it was awkward because I wore makeup? Naah, that's nonsense. I mean, it's not usual for me to wear it but I couldn't help it yesterday. I was bored af and I really wanted to boost my confidence by being pretty. I feel quite detached lately and guys were really helping by talking anything that was on their mind.
To be honest, I feel like I'm loosing all of my friends here. My #squad is not even a squad anymore. Guys doesn't invite us to their night out, girls are always busy when I suggest anything. It's a shame, really. I liked them. Now I think about them just as my 'coursemates'. And girls, whom I'm gonna live next year, they seem a little off as well. Or maybe it's me? Did I really changed that much that no one likes me anymore? I mean, I wasn't the most likable person before, but now.. now everything is just way too different. And you know what? I want new friends. Honestly. I just have no idea how to get them. I'm too shy to talk with strangers on facebook and then invite them to meet up. I can't walk up to someone and just ask to hang out. I don't know how to make friends. It was so easy before coming to uni. I actually thought about quitting and going back to Lithuania, but then again, what would I do there? Everyone is so proud of me, being on my own, achieving so much here. I don't want to disappoint them.
For the fucks sake, what do I do? It was always easier to hang out with the guys since it's way less drama than with girls, but then again, I'm the one making the drama here. I hate it. I really really do. And honestly, everything seems to be fucked up around me at the moment. I want to talk to someone about this. I really do. I mean, I talked with my best friend about this, but that's not it. She doesn't know any of my Britain friends and she can't help me solving all of this. And honestly, I don't even think I want her to help me out here. She has her problems and I don't want to burden her with mine. I would talk with my aunts, but one is really strict and would judge me for hanging out with guys all the time and the other one would start a rant about how life is hard and I should understand it by now. Well, I do know it's hard, but that's not what I want to hear.
You have no idea how much I'd like my Mum to be with me right now. I mean, She is, but I need to talk with Her. She always gave the best advices ever.
Maybe I just miss Her too much. I thought about Her for quite some time now. I don't even know what's my biggest problem is. I want someone to hug me tight and just let me cry for a while. I need someone to be with me at my worst so I wouldn't feel so alone. You know, when I walked home yesterday, I nearly had a panic attack. I had those before, they're awful, but I got home without crying. And then when I was about to burst into tears, I called my best friend and she talked me through it. It was really sweet, but it helped just for the evening. Now I'm here again, crying and wishing to text someone specific to come here and hug me. I really really need someone by my side right now. I'm even willing to cry in front of someone. Yes, it's that bad. It's so bad I can't even thing of anything positive. Call me weak (don't, I'm not weak) but I last time I felt this bad was the night when I got in a fight with my ex-best friend. At that moment, when I realised I lost my sister to something stupid. I thought I'll rip my throat out how hard it was to breath then. And you know what? It's happening again. It's hard to breath. I need to get away from all of this. I need something new.
I'm sorry for talking about it. It's just I don't have anyone else to talk about this. And I can't bother any of my friends and 'friends' because that's how I am. I will never acknowledge out loud that it's fucking bad. That I feel terrible. I need them just to come to me and hug me and say that I'm not alone. Because I do feel alone. I'm sorry.
Ok so you miss your family and friends. You can either act like a grown ass girl that you should be already and suck it up, find new friends that aren't fucking assholes like your present ones and focus hard on your studies. OR. You quit uni, find a full time job, work until summer and save up some real money and go back to Lithuania and study there. It's all up to you because the choice to make here is only yours. (ps I'm REALLY not trying to be rude even if i sound like that...sorry:/)
ReplyDeletewell, yeah, obviously I miss them, who wouldn't? But I think what's bothering me the most is that I don't know how to make new friends. Like, I knew all of my friends back there either because my Mum knew their mums or we were neighbours or we were classmates. And now my 'classmates' are pretty much ignoring me, my flatmates have their own stuff and I don't have a relative that I could count on for a new friend. So, yeah, I miss this. I miss the opportunity to have friends without making so much effort.
DeleteNext thing is, I am not a fucking grown up. I know I'm 19 already, but I don't feel adult enough. And as I said, I would never quit uni here, my family is too proud of me. You have no idea how proud they are. I'm going to be the second person that graduates from uni (well, my uncle graduated from 'Kolegija' I have no idea how to translate that into uk education stuff) so, yeah, and I'm graduating from uni that is not even in my mother tongue. Trust me, even if I wanted to, I couldn't disappoint then like this. I'm not gonna quit uni.
P.s. I still don't understand why you post anonymously.
Do you know who I am, though?
ReplyDeleteI can't say I perfectly understand your situation or that I know how it feels for you therefore I can't tell you what to do or what not to do and etc and I don't want you to think that I am doing this. But. You shouldn't rip yourself apart just to make your family proud or happy... it's your life, not theirs, they can't live your life for you just as you can't live theirs. I understand that studying abroad is a huge opportunity and great honor but your argument that it makes your family proud is very very weak. Aren't there similar studies in your country? I bet you could enroll there next year? But its up to you, again, I'm not telling you what to do. !!!
Well, I kind of don't expect for people to read my blog, so basically I just assume. Sorry if I'm wrong, though ;3
DeleteTo be honest, I don't know what to say. It might seem to you that my argument is weak, when honestly, I'd do anything to keep my family happy. I don't know many people who have this kind of relationship that I have with my relatives. I don't mean it to sound in a creepy way, though. It's jus we support each other as much as possible and I wouldn't want to see them disappointed in me just because I don't want to do something anymore. No, I actually really love being here, in Britain, it's just sometimes I wonder what would happen, ok? There are a lot of similar studies in my country, but with what that kind of diploma I wouldn't find a job back there. I'm staying here, don't worry about that. It's just... you know, one can dream about something, right?
Anyway, thank you for this. It actually makes me see everything from aside and it helps to know where I truly stand ;3