I should probably sharpen my knife.

My knife is not sharp enough. And I'm afraid of pain.
But I want to do something to myself so badly. You should see my wrist. It has red marks from the knife all over. I took way too many pills to calm myself down and I'm sitting here barely seeing the screen.
Why do I say this? I don't know.
I swore to myself that I will never ever cry because of boys again. Yesterday I cried for Mum. Today? Today I had a panic attack because I saw that something was wrong with my friend. The same friend I have a crush on. With every minute that I spent sitting there, not knowing what is going on, I felt less and less cheerful. I didn't even say goodbye to him. He was upstairs, with his doors closed. You know me, I do think it was something that I have done. And I might have an idea of what it is, that's why I asked him in the beginning of the evening to walk me home. I wanted to talk about it. But his answer 'too lazy' was all answers I needed. Especially that after like 5 or 10 minutes he went for a walk.
I shouldn't be talking about this. I shouldn't be caring about this. But there is something that bothers me and I feel like shit not knowing what it is. I know I became bitchy after something that happened, but something he said hurt my ego too much. I can't tell you anything about it, because it's actually too personal, but anyway. You guys know me, I can't be angry for long. I will be the first one to apologise, I will be the first one to try and fix it. I know that most of the time I just make thing worse, but at least I tried, right?
My wrist hurt. I wanted to cut my left hand, but I have my special Tattoo there. I looked at it for a bit and I felt guilty that I feel this way. That's why I went through my right hand. I only cut myself few days after my Mum died. That was the only time I did it. And now I've done it again.
I actually had a feeling that something is going to happen today. I was super active today and I needed attention and everything was fine until the evening. I knew this was going to happen and I didn't avoid it because I didn't realise it in time.
It's a bit hard to breathe.  Every time I try to breath in, there is something keeping me from doing it. It's a panic attack, don't worry. It's not the first one.
I never thought I will ever get that because of the thought that I could make someone feel uncomfortable. I really need to talk about this with him, but I don't want to be the one to start it anymore. And I don't want to do it via messenger or snapchat. I hate this so much, because I know that I can barely say the words about the topic I need to talk.
I'm sleepy, good night.