Like, I know it's just me that's responsible for my actions, but yesterday... well, you know, yesterday. I wasn't really feeling in the mood at work, which, you can imagine, is not a good thing, yeah? And I was starring at all the bottles there, thinking that I could really use a drink. I mean, I told myself I shouldn't be drinking anymore and I spent probably a month absolutely sober, but yesterday.. yeah, I... I kind of broke my rule and had a cocktail. And the worst part is, it didn't make me feel any better, on top of everything I felt was guilt that I actually drank. Shame on me, I know.
Oh, and the only guy who knew how to make cocktails from the meniu quit, so I'll have to come an hour early and learn how to make them. Like, I don't mind, at least I'm gonna learn something, but again, we all know I'm not confident enough to do them. I barely can pour drinks from bottles, not to mention mixing them and making something more difficult. Ah, firetruck me.
I guess it's my pms talking, tho. I feel so annoyed about everything. I don't know why, but literally everything annoys me. I can't even explain it, but I just want to stay in my bed and avoid any conversations that I can have. Like, I'm pretty sure everyone at the club thinks I'm a weirdo because I barely talk with anyone. To be fair (well, in my defence) I have nothing to say to them. I don't know how to talk with them. Or what to talk about. During the night, yeah, we can talk about people we serve, drinks we make and stuff like that. But when the music is off I just want to finish up quickly and just go back home, to bed. And I hear them talking about weather (or whatever) and I literally can't think of anything I could say.
Like, people who met me recently, not the co-workers, know that I don't mind talking shit. Like, I can go on for hours about stuff that happened to me and something not important, but I don't feel like I can do the same thing with these guys. Like, I do like them, they're pretty cool, all of them, but... I don't know. I never liked mixing friendship and work. Like, I'm friends with one of the guys from my fundraising job, but that's because we don't work together anymore. I could never ask someone from the club to hang out with me, because I just wouldn't know if that's appropriate. See my problem? I want to be appropriate.
That reminds me. Remember the lithuanian guy I met recently? I don't want to be a bitch (or maybe it's my pms talking) but he starts to annoy me so much. Like, I understand, we both are pretty busy and stuff, but whenever we talk now, he just talks stuff that obviously makes no sense and annoy the fuck out of me. Like, he's sweetheart and all, but honestly, if he thinks our friendship is going somewhere further, he is really wrong.
Talking about that. For the first time in a few months, I actually went to sleep with someone else than my ultimate crush in my head. Which is pretty fucked up, because let's face it, the person I had in my mind is no better than my ultimate crush. Why do I crush on guys who are way out of my league? God I'm probably the most stupid girl ever. And to be fair, I've noticed that whenever I have a crush on someone, it's really, like REALLY, hard to find anything to tell them. I mean, I don't mind the silence, but I feel obligated to talk. Manners, that's my problem.
Oh, I've noticed that I am quite flirty person. I mean, I'm so used to smile to people and talk nicely to them and just be generally nice that it's often confused with flirting. I mean, no one told me this yet, but I obviously observe it myself. Like, I would treat guy ordering a drink like any other person and he would be 'oh, can I get your number?' or 'oh, I like you' and then there would be me just like 'aaaah. no. but thanks. Like, seriously, no. But thanks for trying'. And the worst thing, I can't help myself. I would still smile to them and I would still be really nice which annoys me. I mean, I can't be rude, because they are customers, but still, if anyone confuses my niceness with flirt, it's their problem. And then when I actually want to flirt with someone, I just sound childish.
The longer I talk about it, the more confused I get. I should stop myself.
Anyway, there is this one guy I recently met that I really, and I mean REALLY, would like to take out for coffee. Hell, I would even pay for the coffee as long as he's with me. But my tyny tiny problem is, I could never ask him out, because I'm too shy. Well, obviously my loss, but oh well.
I talked about guys quite a lot, haven't I? I remember someone said to me that they wouldn't be surprised if I eventually turned out to be a lesbian (I think it was one of my guys because of how I'd watch sexy video clips with the same enthusiasm they did) and honestly, I do notice hot, attractive girls in the club that I would totally love to make out with, but that's about it. And girls I do meet, they usually are no more than friend type. So am I really bisexual then? I'm confused about this. I need someone to tell me where do I belong.
Anyway, love you, I'm gonna go now. I don't have light in my room anymore, so I kind of have to use the most of the natural light haha
ttyl xx
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