Emotional wreck.

You know, for the past few days I thought I want to cry.
Like, I don't know how to explain this. I over thought stuff and it made me emotional but you know what stopped me from bursting into tears? Make up. Seriously, my eyeliner was so on point I honestly thought it's not worth it. I almost lost it at work yesterday, I was about to run to the bathroom to have like 5-10 minutes break and cry, but I knew I'd look like shit afterwards and it was quite busy so I concentrated on smiling to people and pouring drinks and by the end of my shift I was too tired to even think, so I got home, took the make up off and went to bed.
But now I have no where to go and obviously I'm not wearing any make up and I think it might be time to get those emotions out. It sounds stupid, doesn't it? I mean, I've been containing them for two, maybe three days and now I'm sitting in my room, trying to remember why I was so upset about. Probably money. It's always money, isn't it? And Mum. I was thinking about Her a lot lately. And someone mentioned Her yesterday just before my shift and I can't even describe how hard it was not to be late for work.
I realised I stopped thinking about Her as much as I used to. I mean, I still think of Her daily and stuff, but it's not as emotional as it used to be. Or maybe it's just those few days that I had. To be honest, it doesn't feel like a good month for me. I mean, yeah, it's 12 until the day I got the call about Her. It's 12 days and it's gonna be three years when I lost Her. And it's still hard for me to believe She's actually gone. And I still haven't found a person who could be even a little part of what She was to me. I'm still trying to find someone I could talk to the way I talked with my Mum. My Aunties said they're always there for me, but they are so different from Her. I don't know how, but Mum always knew what to say. Like, I don't know how to explain it, but take my Aunt who's my guardian. She always talks how the life is unfair and how it's always worse to her and others and stuff like that - she can take any topic and twist it to this. That's why I don't want to bother her with my problems, I hate the way she talks about life, it makes me feel even worse. Then there is another auntie, but I'm quite scared to talk about anything serious with her, because she's really strict. If I mention any boy she gets mad and tries to convince me I shouldn't be hanging out with any of them. If I say it's hard for me to live, because of my poor income, she starts a rant about how I shouldn't have left Lithuania. I mean, I love both of them so so much, but they are so different from my Mum. She could always say something about boys I liked that made me feel better. If I told her I like them, She would start talking about good sides of theirs, She'd start joking around about the embarrassing couple moments we'd have and stuff like that. I'm not quite sure how She'd handle my money problem now, though. I wasn't old enough when She.. you know. But I bet She'd find a way as well.
You know, I regret that I haven't taken more pictures of us together. I don't have many pics of us and it breaks my heart, honestly. I wish I could look at Her with me and remember how close we were. And now I have a few pictures from where I was a child and a few pictures on our last birthday together. I miss Her so much.