Oh my, you can tell a lot from my appearance.
Hi guys!
So, yeah, as you can tell from those three or four sentences from last night update, I cried yesterday. Oh boy it was bad. I can't remember the last time I screamed to my pillow as if my life would depend on it. I hope I didn't wake anyone up, I'm pretty sure it was terrible. It took me six times to stop and start to cry again until I was able to think. You have no idea how deeply thankful I am for Someone being there for me yesterday. I don't know and I don't even want to think what I would've done for myself. It was so bad my capillaries under my eyes exploded. You can see it if you know where to look. It actually could be seen as freckles but I don't have those and they will disappear after a few days. Not the first time, kids, not the first time. Anyways, I was asked what the hell I was crying for. Honestly, I have no idea. I had a few drinks last night and I thing everything just build up to that moment. I miss my Mom, I had a fight with a dear friend, I can't cope with everything that is happening at uni... well, there is a side of me that just quietly collect everything and waits for me to be weak. I hate those times. I mean, on daily basis, I don't feel. Like, yes, I am excited about everything, I laugh, I'm being positive sweet person I want to be, but I know how to not net the sad emotions in. I can brush them off as if they are dust on my clothes. The fucked up part is, it always goes to that silent part of mine that comes out like that as it was yesterday. On top of that, I understood how scared I am to have friends. I'm scared to trust people because of a certain someone who hurt me way too much. If you'd have met me 3 or 4 years ago, you probably wouldn't recognise me. I was so different back then, even I, myself, can see the difference. Of course, I was a teenager then, I had many "problems" but I was such a happy kiddo. I trusted people, I let everyone be my friend and most importantly, I knew how to be with anyone. Now? Now I'm scared that if I let someone be important part of my life, they would hurt me and leave me alone when I need them the most. I'm scared that I trust someone so deeply, that later they would turn away from me because of who I truly am. I'm scared as fuck and I can't deal with it. I don't know how. I want to, I really want to let them be near me, but I don't know how. I don't want to lose anyone else that is so dear to me. I lost too much in a past two years. I lost my Mum and my best friend. And they were everything I had. They were people I could always go and find comfort. And now I can't. Mostly because of my ex-best friend, of course. I can't justify her actions. But it lead to where I am now. I'm sorry if I seem so arrogant bitch. I'm too scared to be hurt. Maybe that's why I'm hurting everyone else. I don't want that for myself. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for that.
I hope you guys can understand me even a little bit. I have no idea how to deal with everything at the moment and I might seem like I'm angry or something. I'm not. I'm ashamed of who I am. Sorry.
I completely get you.
ReplyDeleteWhen I got to uni, I met some people (let's mention that I'm not that sort of person who easily approaches strangers). However, after going out once, I never went out with any of the people I met for the second time. Out of all the people (I went out with 8 different people), there was only one girl I made an instant connection with. We hung out quite a few times (although most of the meet ups were initiated by me) and I thought we were going to be best friends. But then we went out with a group of people from her course and everything changed. Because I'm not the most outgoing person, she thought I did not like her friends. Of course, that was not the case. I simply need time to get used to people. After that, we never hung out again. We made plans once to go shopping, but she never replied. Now it's been a month and I still haven't heard anything from her.
The one person who I was certain I was going to hang out with all the time as we had been chatting on FB for quite a while before I came to uni has been ignoring me for the past three weeks. When I confronted him about it, he said it's because he has some personal issues... And then continued to ignore me. I can no longer listen to Bruno Mars because of him.
Now the only people I ever hang out with are two Pakistanian girls from my course. Yeah, they are really friendly and caring but because of their religion we can't hang out as much as I'd like to. And I really need a shoulder to cry on. I haven't cried in almost two months. Actually, I cried twice since I got to uni but both of them were because of a movie, not my problems. I feel like crying right now but somehow no tears would come out.
I don't miss home but I miss my mom. However, when she sends me emails, I always feel reluctant to reply. I don't know why. Maybe because I want to distance her from myself as I know I will miss her even more after talking to her...
My roommates are idiots. They bring other people to our flat and party every weekend 'till 2am. They never clean up after themselves and constantly take my stuff. Like, today I found out they ate my frozen pizza. One of them constantly plays music with the volume up (yeah, headphones don't exist to that dude) or randomly sings opera. They smoke weed or cigarettes in their rooms. I don't really talk to them except "Hey" or "How are you" (and I always say I'm good because I know they wouldn't care even if I said otherwise). I know I should say something about their behaviour and confront them but I don't know why I don't do it.
I rarely leave my room, except to go shopping or to the lectures. I never went out to party in a club or anything like that. I have nobody to go with. And even if I did, with all my problems, I'm sure if I started drinking, I could not stop. I feel alone. And routine has got to me. Every day is the same. Wake up, breakfast, lectures, come back home, have lunch, surf the net and go to bed. I no longer have any motivation to study. Oh, I can't even study in my room as my roommates are noisy as hell.
Oh my. That was quite a confession. I guess I need to start my own blog instead of sharing my issues on yours. Darn, sorry for all of this invasion of your personal space... Anyways, best of luck to you. You're not alone.
I read this for a few times, actually. I can't believe there are people like that who would just dare to ignore someone for so long without any explanation. But you know, it does mean it's not the friend material, so maybe it's for the best. At least thats what I always try to think if something goes wrong. Have you joined any societies? I can tell you have quite time to kill. I'm pretty sure there would be something you could try out. And my guess is - you would meet people that share interest with you so it's a good way to start new friendships :)
DeleteAbout your Mum, well, it's none of my business if you don't want to talk with Her, but my suggestion would be to chat with her as long as you can. Moms intend to be the best listeners and advisers in the universe. The missing part can be resolved from time to time as long as you both can talk with each other.
The roomates problem is different. I don't really have problems with them (well, maybe with one) so I can't really help you with that. Have you tried telling that to your house manager? Maybe he/she could sort something out. I'm pretty sure there are fees for breaking tenancy agreement rules. Although I don't know where you live, so I'm just guessing you are renting somewhere. Don't be afraid to speak up. It will make your life better and that is what matters.
And if you start writing your blog, please, leave a link somewhere in the comments so I could read. I really want to know if you are ok :)
It is true what both of you are saying, but you can't rely on mothers forever, you have to get out there and make some trustworthy friends, you need to believe again, give people a chance to earn you trust, it will be repaid definitely :)
ReplyDeleteYou know, it is really easy to say "go and do something" ;/ in my case, I am trying to make friends, really hard, but I can't let them in that easely. Even if I want to. And I have no idea how to break that wall that keeps me from having trustworthy friends ;/
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