Yes, I do wake up 2 hours before my workshops. Why, you ask? Well, because I like when my hair dries naturally. That's why I have way too much time in the morning. Like, I took a shower, had a decent breakfast, strongest coffee ever and now I'm laying back in my bed looking up my old photos in Facebook. There are so many with my ex-best friend. And I realised how much I miss her. How much I want to talk to her every single day and tell her everything that is happening in my life. I miss her. I miss our friendship. I wonder what my Mum would say about it. She'd probably scold me for not realising that sooner. Either way, I do know that our friendship will not be the same as it was two years ago, but I really hope we can be friends again. Even if it's 'hi how are you' friends. I really care how is she, how she's doing and if she's happy. I don't know what is happening with me, but I do think about the past so much. Did I really made a good choices? Do I belong here? Wouldn't it be better for me to get back?
As I said, I had strong coffee. Obviously it woke up my feelings first and not me, otherwise I wouldn't let myself think of this. God damn, that 'I can't cry' thing is killing me. I really really need to cry about this. And I can't. I mean, I do tear up a little bit and then something in my head clicks and I stop myself. Obviously. I've tried so hard to be strong for myself, I'd probably ended up creating self-saving mechanism or smth like that in my head. Lol, I know, sounds really stupid, but really. Whenever I'd realise I'm about to cry, I always turned away from what I was doing, breath deeply and whisper that everything is fine and I'm fine. And now even if I DO want to cry, whenever I tear up, I do that thing and it stops. And I hate myself for that. Should I visit a doctor? I should, probably. What kind of doctor, though? Because I'm not going to psychologist or psychiatrist. I wouldn't know how to describe my problems in other language. God, I wouldn't even know how to describe them in Lithuanian.
Anyway, sorry for this post, I know you'd rather read something happy, but at the moment, I find if difficult to be happy about anything. I'll keep you updated anyways, though I might start to notice you in the beginning what kind of mood I am. Sorry about it, really. I don't like to be upset Either.
Love you guys so much x
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