Easy fall

The girl with no name

To be honest, my life is pretty dull. I‘ve never had a boyfriend or at least a lover to hang out with and sometimes, it is totally fine. But then there are moments when I feel so lonely I fell for any friend that is close to me at the moment. Maybe it‘s my weakness? Maybe I fall for my friends, because I don‘t trust handsome strangers? I know my friends and I know they wouldn‘t do anything horrible. I am terrified by the thought of dating. I have moments when I want to go out and meet someone, but as I think about it more and more, I realise it would be too much to handle. I can‘t keep up with talks. I am a shy person and my date should be one hell of a talker to not make our date awkward. Though I‘d probably do that anyways. I always do something inappropriate while hanging out with new people. Sometimes it looks like a joke, and sometimes it leads to me, never talking with them again.

The first guy I had a crush on, was my best friend. I was pretty young back then, to be honest. I didn‘t realise I was falling in love with him until two years into our friendship. I started making effort in how I look, I started making excuses just to see him and I was asking around if he talks about me. Obviously, I got nothing. There were moments when we would talk about his ex and I had to bit my lip to not tell something rude about them. I knew those girls and I didn‘t want to sound rude. And I didn‘t have the right to trash them, right? I was just a friend. A little bit later I realised I started dreaming about our future together. Honestly, I could imagine us sitting on the bench together and making out, even though I haven‘t kissed anyone in my life by that time. I could imagine our dates in the middle of the field with nothing more than a lemonade and chips, with a lot of laughing and cuddling. Those fantasies were so innocent it makes me laugh right now. Well, everything was perfect in my head until the moment my friend told me she heard him saying that he liked me. Oh, it was the moment the butterflies in my stomach started dancing and playing as if they‘d like to come out. I can‘t really remember how long after I texted him that I like  him more than a friend. It was my first mistake. I didn‘t do that in person and I remember him making it into a joke. Honestly, I knew by then that this is not going to end well. And my friends told me that as well, but I was optimistic. I‘m an optimist, so I realised that maybe I could pull this off by pretending that I‘ve never told him. We still hanged out together, but I started noticing that we are never alone as we used to be. There would always be our friends with us and if someone would have to go, he would always go with them. Though they always were kind enough to walk me home and hug me goodbye. The time passed and I felt more and more depressed that my fantasies never got a chance to get real. Then something happened. I still don‘t understand what, exactly, but he stopped talking with me. I think it was the time when I diagnosed myself with depression. I know most of the people said it wasn‘t true, because no one had me tested, but I am that person that doesn‘t like bothering others with her problems. I would only tell my close friends about what‘s happening inside my head and it would help, a little. To be absolutely honest, I didn‘t even want to talk about it by that time. I became really into being alone. I wouldn‘t leave my room even to eat. It would be the whole day in my bed with the book in my hands or playing with my computer. My mum had to take me food and come to collect plates from my room, because I didn‘t want to go out. I don‘t remember when I started going out again. I know I did go to school, pretended that everything is alright, when honestly, my little world was tearing apart. It did get better after the summer came and I got a message from him asking if I want to come to the village. It was the happiest day of my life, probably. Well, at least that‘s what I‘ve thought back then. We started hanging out again, I promised myself I wouldn‘t see him as a boy, that I would see him as my friend. It did quite work and I was just enjoying his company for some time. I‘m not sure what happened then, but by the time I heard that he likes me again, I wasn‘t interested anymore. I don‘t know, maybe I was scared by the thought that my fantasies could actually became reality. I got scared of this thing because of how it ended the first time. I told my friend I don‘t like him anymore, even if deep down I was angry with myself about this. It took around two or three weeks for rumours to go around and reach him. He became cold again and I was feeling like shit. Really, I loved being around him, because he was that one person that I needed so much. Like if I wouldn‘t be in a good mood, he would always make me smile and laugh. And then he disappeared again. I swore to myself to never ever fall in love with my friend again. Not just him, but any friend that will come into my life because of how this ended. To be honest, I‘m not even sure if it is really gone. I mean, he was a really big part of my life, but the last time we spoke made me think that I was idolising him way too much. I had him in mind like he was my friend but then he got into relationship with someone else and became a total asshole. Not just any asshole. Those assholes has a pretty special place in hell reserved just for them. I mean, I still care about him, but I‘m so mad that he lets someone trash on me so much even when I did nothing wrong. I mean, by then everyone knew I had a huge crush on him and everyone though we will end up together at some point. Well, thank God we didn‘t, because after he got his girlfriend, I realised that he is so not what I thought he is. He would let her call me names and threaten me just for messaging him. I stopped, obviously, but not because of threats. I was never afraid of that, I could take care of myself. I stopped because I couldn‘t watch what‘s happening with him. My friend, my dear friend that I was idolising and protecting from anyone who would dare to say the wrong thing about him, let some girl make fun of me. Basically, I started hanging out with our mutual friends, without him. We would talk about it, obviously. And then there was a moment when I had to leave for a long period of time. I wanted to give him a last shoot. I wanted to say goodbye to him properly, to see him again for the last time. But then again, as I was about to do that, one of my friends called him asking where is he and when is he coming. Apparently, his girl texted me all the time and when she picked up his phone, she called me the most discusting words I could think of. To be honest, when I got home, I felt like I wanted to cry myself out and die. I didn‘t like him so much by then, it wasn‘t because of that. I felt like crying because of what has happened to my friend. He was gone. And so was my friendship with him. I would never forgive him, even if he‘d ever take a special part in my life.

But then again, I had other crushes. I had tons of crushes but they weren‘t as serious as my first one. Until, maybe, recently, when I changed my surroundings completely. I had no one around, I made new friends and they were the sweetest people ever. I can‘t say I didn‘t realise that the story might happen all over again, but I had it in mind and kept repeating to myself that I wouldn‘t do the same mistake twice. To be honest, the start of this friendship started really really nice. We would meet up for a cup of tea, we would go out and it was absolutely lovely. I assume I didn‘t know what was happening until I started feeling alone again. You know, when I see a couples walking around for a long time, I start to wish I had someone besides me. I don‘t know where my mind was when I realised I‘d like to be more than friends with this boy. I never really told him, but I‘m pretty sure it was obvious. Or maybe our mutual friend told him. Well, the point is, that it became a very similar situation. He started avoiding me,wouldn‘t reply to my text and would never swing by for a cup of a tea. I mean, I let him into my world pretty quickly. I don‘t usually do that with people. Not after something has happened, that is not related to this. The point is, I let him in with the thought he wound‘t run away and I could trust him with everything I needed him to know. But he was gone by then. Though it wasn‘t as big crush as my first one, it still made me bitter. Why does it matter if I like you as a boy or as a friend? Why would it make a difference? I would totally like to hang out with you despite the thought of wanting to kiss you so badly. I can control myself, but then again, probably no one trusts me enough to actually test that. Well, yeah, I got my principles up and told to myself that it was a really douche move from him and he is so not worth my time.

And then I got really close with one more friend. I have no idea how that happened because it was purely friendly material and I totally knew I wouldn‘t like anything to happen between us. I wouldn‘t even have a thought of doing something more than friendly with him. Well, the point is, I let him in into my life as easily, as I let go of my second bigger crush. I shared a lot with him, I would always try to make him happy until our mutual friends started making comments about us. It sounded so foolish! It was just for a laugh, really. Maybe until I had one dream that totally turned my world around. It was probably the same time as my loneliness would barge into my world, so it hit me hard. It hit me so hard I actually was the one to distance myself from him for a while. I thought about it again and again, trying to convince myself that this is the worst idea I have ever had. I still do try to tell myself not to do this. I mean, I just torture myself. I always repeated to myself I want relationship, but then again, I was so afraid to actually get into one. And since I knew he had some before, I was absolutely stunned by the idea. I have no idea how dating is going. What is it, truly? Those thoughts made me shiver just from the idea of getting into relationship. I would play it cool, though. I haven‘t told many people about this, though I did wanted to hear some advice  about the situation. By now I had realised that I shouldn‘t say anything to anyone, because it always get‘s fucked up and I hate myself for that. I realised I am way too self-conscious to have a crush on that friend of mines. Though I knew I did. I can actually tell by the way he acts that it‘s not what he‘d like, so I am really trying not to do anything about this. Though it did became more awkward sometimes. Thank God for our mutual friends that can keep the conversations going. As I said at the beginning, I can‘t go with conversations. I can‘t. I get way too nervous about all of this and to be honest, if we would ever kiss, I would probably avoid him for the rest of my life. I had this before. I have made out with a stranger, quite nice guy and then when he asked me out, I was so terrified I told no, even if I really wanted to go to a date. Well, we ended up not going or talking. Ever again. So this would probably happen with this one as well. I mean, I do like having them as my friends, all of them, but that‘s who I am. I run from relationships even if I do want one.

And for the fucks sake, I do not blame my personality for all of this. If they have developed a friendship with me, they had to know who I am from the beginning.  Well, ok, I do blame myself most of the time, but I try not to. Because I am a fucking optimist.

And for the love of fuck, if someone thinks it‘s about them, it probably is. And you know what? If you ever try to talk about this with me, I am going to punch you. Honestly. It‘s like a middle of the night when I‘m writing this and I can‘t believe I‘m really sharing it on my blog, but here I am. Doing it. Please respect that.  And I‘m not whining about my life, no. I‘m sharing my experience with my future self so I would finally realise what a dick of a friend I am. I should not fall for my friends that are boys and that is it. I will not do that again. And if I do, it will probably end up as it ended up with all my current experiences.

Oh, and by the way, it is snowing in Leicester. Congrats.

 

thank you, 'gangrelated' for sharing this gif on tumblr. I don't know why, but I really liked it way more than any other gif out there with snowing tah. thanks ;3