Yeaaah, I'm stupid

<insert a really deep quote about importance of being happy>

Imma get really philosophical here about happiness, but no, I am really really happy.

But I did mention it to you before. I'm afraid to be too happy. It's stupid, I hate it, but I can't help it. I became afraid of being happy after my Mum passed away, because a day before I got the 'news' I was hyper active and happy and just crazy. And the next day the biggest tragedy in my life happened. So after that, I've started to be more careful about my carefree happiness. I was happy from time to time, yes, but whenever it was to the certain limit, I would get scared. Just like yesterday.
I was cuddling with my love and it was just so perfect and everything was right and I was feeling like the luckiest girl in the whole damn universe and then it hit me how happy I was and guess fucking what. I felt tears coming up my eyes and I scared my poor baby because apparently he thought I was in pain or something. It's so stupid, I can't. But I have no idea how to deal with it. And trust me, I read about it a lot.
I dont know, maybe its the pill I took or something else but I feel that my emotions are really, like, super fragile these days. We were joking around at work and like two minutes after laughing out loud my nails were by my throat trying to scratch the way for air to get to my lungs. I didnt cry, I just couldnt breathe. My guess was because I thought I made my love angry and I honestly couldnt bare that thought right now. I didn't know how to explain it to him as well. Plus, it was a lot of people around us, so I didnt really want to talk about it out loud. And I could tell he wanted an explanation. How do you explain a panic attack when youre not even sure what it was about??

Anyway. I do want him to understand it. I want him to know I get really weird, emotional and stupid. That it happens and I know how to deal with it and I'm really sorry if that's something that would bother him.

I miss being able to be happy without being afraid that something is going to happen soon.

Anyway.
I gotta go now.

Love you guys xx

gif from 'imsherlockedinlovewithyou' - just breathe :)

Them clues in the text amirite

I'm so emotionally unstable these days it actually starts to scare me.

I mean, I feel happy around my person, but he's probably the only person that makes me smile. Everything else just stresses me out and its terrible. I actually raised my voice at work today. You have no idea how guilty I felt. Like, I never lose my temper in front of someone else. It's me we're talking about, I'm that cold heart bitch that can stay calm whenever she wants to. But maybe today it was just because I haven't slept properly. Or maybe my hormones are fucking up because of the pill I took. Anyway, I'm not feeling quite myself these days.

Even now, I feel so disappointed just because I wont see my baby tonight. I mean, he was with me all night yesterday, so I should not be complaining, but what can I do. I'm super clingy. I've started thinking that maybe he's getting bored of me. After all, no one can stay with me for a long time after realising what a crazy bitch I am. I'm anxious, I know. It's stupid, but what can I do. I cant just tell him 'listen, babe, I feel like you've started avoiding me' - that sounds super clingy and desperate. We both have our own lives, right? Plus I have work tonight, so it's pretty understandable why he's not at my place at the moment. Anyway. I'm thinking about this too much, I know.

But yeah, I spend most of my time with him. Its either him or work or sleep. I dont mind, you know? At least I have someone I completely trust and want to stay around at all times. I still earn my money and it's amazing to be able to afford everything I want. Oh yeah, we do fight about paying for stuff. I honestly hate that he wants to pay for everything. I dont think thats fair, so whenever I have a chance, I'm annoying him by paying. I mean, he does drive me everywhere and he comes over all the time, petrol is expensive, so I feel like I should somehow at least make him spend less on me. Yes, I'm a diva, I love when people spoil me, but honestly, if he's gonna spend money on me, I'll get back at him by spending money on him.

I keep talking about him, aren't I? It's probably because he means the world to me now. Did I tell you how ironic something is? He's birthday is on the second of February. Same month and day my Dad left us. How strange is that? I mean, is that destiny or something? Because I do believe in that stuff, you know. I believe in destiny, I believe in karma, I believe that if you say something defo wont happen, it will defo happen. So pregnant jokes are not funny anymore, dont let me even get on that topic, for God's sake.

Anyway, I gotta go get ready, talk to you later my people ;*

gif from 'just-usmadd' :)

Important people in my life

blogging. right. why am I so bad at remembering this?

My life is so great right now I'm scared something majorly bad is coming my way. I finally have a boyfriends whom I actually love, I have great teams at work and even though we don't really hang out outside workplaces, I know they care about me.
I've decided to leave my bartending job. Werehouse offered me a fulltime position there while I'm studying and I can't pass on that kind of money. I do love my job as a bartender. I love the place I work at, I love people I work with. They've became super important people in my life. And my boss was telling me how much they care about me and it doesn't matter if I leave or not, they're still here for me if I ever need anything. You have no idea how hard I tried not to cry when he said they're my family. I mean, they sort of are. In the last year, the whole year I worked there I changed to so much and they saw those changes. They saw me when I was in a pretty bad shape, they saw me being inlove and heartbroken. They saw me on my mood swings and in my sicknesses. They basically know everything about me. And I feel so so bad for leaving them. I'm definitely gonna miss this place. But hey, if I have my saturday nights off, why not pop there from time to time, right? I mean, I could still enjoy my night out there, even if the music is not something I would prefer on my night out. But hey, I can adapt.
To be fair, while we were talking yesterday, my boss gave some great advices about relationships as well. I mean, I knew pretty much everything that he told me, but hearing it from someone actually got me thinking about everything more. Like, yes, my aunts are talking to me about it as well, but it's not the same as sitting in front of someone hearing them explaining everything. Such a father figure, honestly :D but I respect my boss so much (no, I'm not writing this just because I know you read it!!)

anyway. My boyfriend. Yes. He's amazing. I was told it's just the beginning and I have no idea whom I'm in relationship with, but for me, it just... I just feel great around him. I feel like I can be goofy, I can be my childish myself, I can just act freely and he loves it. I love being able to be myself. I love the way we talk, I love the way we spend time together, everything seems perfect. Yes yes, nothing is perfect, but for me, he is. I tell you guys I've never had a boyfriend before. I haven't. Not the real one. When I was about 14, something like that, there was this guy who messaged me and asked me to meet up with him. He lived in a village where my Mum worked, so one day I just went to Her work with Her and I went to meet up with him. At the end of the day he asked if I could be his girlfriend and I was like sure why not. He started acting like he loves me already, talking about how much he loves me and shit and I could never make myself say it back unless I wasnt looking him in the eyes and I was crossing my fingers meaning I was telling lies. I'm that kind of person that doesnt want to hurt peoples feelings, ok? But anyway. He started acting stupid, calling me pretending to be drunk, gave my number to his friends so they could call me and pretend to flirt with me or however you call it and one of them said 'oh listen he just fell down the stairs, he's drunk and we cant call the ambulance because he's underage and so on. I got so fucking worried I woke my Mum up saying this is happening and She called his supervisor (he lived in an orphanage) and she said he's in his room, with his friends, just having fun. OOOOOHHHHH you should have heard how much I shouted on him. I told him its over, he should never ever talk to me again, that he wouldnt even dare to look my Mum in the eyes because She know what a jerk he was and so on. I've never ever kissed him as well. We were holding hands, yes, we had that small little kiss where you just peck on the lips, but thats it. That's why I dont think that was relationship. That's not how it works, right? Because on top of all that, I still had a crush on my boy best friend. I was a complicated kid, ok? I just needed to feel loved. Anyway. I do remember I had a chance to come back to him for what he did on an international Women's day like a year later. I was super tired that morning because the night before we had a class celebration or something, so I was showering and shit when I got a message from him, asking for me to come outside. I was like what do you want, I'm still mad on you, and he said he's sorry and he wants to talk. So I open my flat door, there he is, dressed nicely, with a flower in his hand, smiling. You know what I did? I told him I dont need his apologies, I dont need his flowers and I closed the doors right in front of his face. My Grandma was in the flat with me that time and she just laughed for good ten minutes what a bitch I am. I mean, in a good way. But anyway. Later on I had to go to my friends, so I walked outside and he was still sitting by the entry. I totally ignored him, he tried to follow me in the shop, but I didnt even look at him. And that was the last time I saw him.
So when I say I don't have any experience how relationship works, I mean I have no idea how adult relationship works. He was such a kid, I was so naive and this just doesnt count in my mind. And now I do have a boyfriend who actually cares about me, he doesn't lie to me, he makes sure I'm always ok, I'm always happy and whenever I have a problem, he always notices that something is wrong. This. This is what I call relationship. You don't make someone stress because you want to see how they would react. You dont laugh when they get really concerned about your wellbeing, you dont lie about it. That's why I love the way my boyfriend treats me. He's amazing. He makes me feel like I want to try to be a better person. I want to make him happy and I want us to be happy.

Anyway, yes, my life is great now. Everything is going nicely, I don't have even one thing to complain about and this is as calm as I've been in a long, like, a very long time. I cant tell you how much this means to me. I guess you did notice, that last year wasn't great at all for me. Fingers crossed, now it's my time.

Love you lots, guys xx

gif from 'lovershub' ;)

Drama all over again

I finally told my Aunt how I feel about her. I feel like its really bad now between us, but I honestly had enough.

Don't get me wrong, I love her so much and I respect her to the infinity, because she's such a strong woman. But at the same time, she is so negative. She always sees the worst in the situation, she doesn't know how to enjoy small things in life and just everything is bad for her. You guys know how hard I try to be happy about everything I possibly can. And she just drags me down. I think I talked about it before, when I was talking about my depression. When she told me that mental illnesses don't exist and its only rich people who can afford having it because they're arrogant or something. Imagine how that made me feel. Imagine me trying to convince myself that my mood swings, my thoughts about killing myself were nothing but my own personality. Imagine how a sixteen year old girl who just lost her Mom had to feel hearing that.
My aunt knows I tried cutting myself, she saw my hands after a few days. She does know I tried overdosing on sedatives. What she doesn't know is I tried it here, in England, as well. When no one was around me to help me if I change my mind. The only thing that stopped me to cut myself was my tattoo. My angel wings tattoo. I'm so glad I decided to do it on my wrist, so I could constantly look at it. It reminds me that my Parents did not raise me to give up. They raised me to be a strong, independent, happy woman who can make smart decisions. I have strong sedatives called Xanax in my medicine cupboard. I never touched them, but I was really close to open the whole pack and take it. The only sedatives I dare to take are homeopathic, which, apparently, is impossible to overdose on. I don't trust myself with it. I know how bad I can get and I don't want to have anything around me to hurt myself.

On the other side, I think I'm forgetting what's it like to cry. I did cry on the 22/07, but it was a few tears on both cheeks and I told myself it's fine, I should get used to it. And then I felt like crying yesterday, but again, like three tears left my eyes and that was it. I didn't felt relief, I didn't feel nothing. Its like my feelings are broken. It's like I trained myself so well I can't get my feelings out anymore.

It's really difficult. I know there might be people who have it worse than me, but for me it's really difficult. I'm so happy I found someone who can make me laugh and smile when all I want to do is cry. We talked with him for almost three hours yesterday and I couldnt tell you how fast the time passed. I felt great hearing his voice, I felt great just knowing I have him. And it was the best distraction from my aunt trying to call me.

Anyway, good morning to you too :D I'm drinking my decaf coffee, I'm getting ready to go to town and guess who's going to have glasses in two hours? :OOO

gif from 'juliabe ' ;)

My family is important to me, you know

I've watched the Notebook yesterday.

I really thought it will be a deep, sad romantic movie, and I just.... I just didnt like it. I can't even explain why, I just didn't connect with it. I mean, yes, Ryan Gosling was awesome, but something was missing for me.
I would be a terrible movie critic, I know.

Anyway, it's two days without seeing my baby and I'm going crazy. I know he's with his family, so I shouldnt be messaging him every five minutes, but I just want to talk to him all the damn time <3 he even officially asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend and obviously I said yes. Do you know what that means?

Judita finally has her first real boyfriend.

I cant even begin to describe the feeling when he called me his girlfriend for the first time. It was so magical <3 I would say why I haven't done this sooner, like, tried to get into relationship, but I'm so happy I have waited. Some guy at the club was asking if I was single and let me tell you, it was so incredibly awesome to tell him that no, I am not and dont even lie about it. He proceeded with 'I should have known, pretty girls are never lonely' and I really wanted to say you should have asked me last week, but obviously I didn't. I didn't even liked looking at him, because he kept staring at my boobs rather than my face. Omg, yes, that dress that I've recently bought looks sooooooo good. If you put a push up bra as well, it just looks like my boobs were squeezed into a corset and like, I'm not surprised I wasnt the only one who couldnt stop staring at them. My babe was not too happy I went to work looking like this, but its work, I have to look pretty :(

You know, I used to hate when someone called me 'baby' or 'babe'. It sounded terrible and disgusting and it just made me shiver. And now, whenever he calls me his baby I'm melting away with happiness and it just makes my head spin. Everything he does or says makes me extraordinarily happy. I cant stop smiling looking at his pictures, I cant stop smiling seeing his message popping up on my phone.
To be fair, you guys know I share everything on my social media. I cant wait to finally get a selfie with him so you would know it's not someone my lonely brain finally created. Like, I wouldnt be surprised if someone out there would see my post and think 'oh she's lying, she probably has an imaginary boyfriend'. Like, yes, I want to make sure everyone knows I'm not lying, that I actually found love. 19 more days... :(((

By the way. I got into a fight with my auntie because of this. Well, not entirely of this, but basically I called her to talk to her and she was like 'I cant imagine someone loving your childish personality'. That fucking hurt, ok? Did she expected me to end up all alone, because of who I am? If we're being honest, she's not the easiest person to live with either. And for her to tell me that was really, super mean. She knows how many insecurities I have, how hard it is for me to open up to someone and then she just drops this on me. So obviously I got null and I told her that I can see she just cant be happy for me because she's always bitter and she's single because of it. She hung up on me. I messaged her saying 'wow, ok, thanks for ruining my mood before work, as always' because its not the first time she says something rude before I have to go to the nightclub. And yesterday she messaged 'of course she has comments :D' which I don't even understand why she messaged it. Well, I ignored it. I dont want to talk to her, I dont want her ruining my mood with her comments. I'm really getting tired of her talking to me this way. If not my brother and sister, I'd probably delete her number and unfriend her on facebook so I wouldnt even be bothered about not calling her. Shes just so negative and I dont like when someone tries to make me unhappy. I worked way too hard to be able to actually smile again. You have no idea how much I've went through to smile without wanting to break into tears. And every time I'm actually happy about something, she ruins it. I've had enough, ok?

Anyway, gonna go and get ready, I'm going to be with my girls all day <3

gif from the-imperfect-therapist' :)

I don't believe in love from the first sight, so he walked past me two times

That's it. I don't know how long does it take to fall in love, but I'm pretty sure I am. I cant tell you how much I enjoy spending time with him, how I wake up with a thought of him and I go to sleep with a thought of him. Knowing I'm going to see him after work got me through my day. I don't know what else I can tell you. He's just... perfect.

I have no idea how I'm gonna survive next three weeks while he's on holiday back in his country.Work is going to be shit, because he would always make it bearable, my 'social' life is going to go around my messenger waiting for him to message me or get a reply. I mean, I do spend my time on my phone anyway, but now its going to be the only way to get in some contact with him. It actually makes me so sad, I love being in his arms, I love his hugs, I love his touches, it's so perfect.

I'm still afraid I'm going to fuck it up, and I guess I'll always have that fear, but I guess its part of every relationship, right? Ok, this word is really strange when I'm talking about myself. Me? In a relationship? Who has heard more ridiculous sentence ever? But it comes so naturally with him. I just feel like it has to be like that. I dont feel rushed to do anything, I can be myself all the time and it's just.... (don't say perfect, I hear you saying already) awesome? It just doesnt describe it as well. God, if you could see how happy I am right now <3

anyway, sorry for the short post, I'm quite tired after today's day shift, it was horrible :( love you guys x

gif from 'freedom4south' ;)

Baby please

I haven't posted in two days but it does feel like its been ages now.

I'm doing really well you guys. Like, I keep giggling and smiling at my phone and the reason is obvious and I keep secretly waiting for myself to fuck this up. I mean, we all know me, I always do.

But even so, I'm still not sure I want to talk to you about it. I actually wanted to tell you guys about something entirely different.

My best friend. I love that girl so very much, I could probably literally kill for her, but I don't think she realises I wish her all the best. I know she told me she's happy with her I'm-not-sure-how-to-call-him, but I just... don't believe it? Because I remember her saying she doesnt think anyone else will turn up and it really fucked me up. Like, she is pretty, she is smart, she was my idol while I was growing up and I was aspiring to be as cool as she was. And then she settled for someone who treats her badly. They havent been on a proper date (unless you count going to a club with other friends as date), he's been making excuses everytime she asked him to meet up anywhere apart his flat. They broke up a couple of months ago and, you guys, this fucked me up more than you can imagine, I actually cried about it, she got back with him without realising that he used her. I don't wanna go into too much detail, its not my life, but that's how I see this relationship. It's sick, its abusive and I hate the person that he is. I havent met him in real life, I had a chance, but instead of saying hi I would have greeted him with a big lithuanian punch to the face. My best friend is mad because I dont respect him (as she said, I should have some respect to someone whom I havent even met) but how can you respect someone when you know that they are hurting a person you love so much? I'm not sure she understands it.
I'm not even sure she will like this if she reads it. But I have to talk to someone about it and she's the only person I can talk about things like that. I tried explaining her how much she means to me, but I don't think she understands properly. I really hope that she will, eventually.
I told her a while back that if she doesnt want me insulting him, she should tell me about him, because I'm not interested in him. And yesterday she stated that I dont let her talk about him. I do, she can message me exciting messages saying 'omg he did this or messaged me that' and I'll be happy that she's happy. I just wont be happy of the reason she's happy. He will, and I repeat, will always stand in my eyes as someone who made my baby cry. And I will not forgive someone as easily as she can.

Gotta go now, talk to you later xx

gif from 'geekylaugifs.' :)

The dilemma

How many times have I talked about my little crushes here over these past two years?

So many little, temporary crushes, one long, devestating crush and none of them worked out the way I dreamt it would. That's why I dont want to talk about it. Thats why I want to keep my mouth shut and let it go the way it's supposed to go, but you guys know me, its really hard to stay quiet when something nice happens in my life.

I don't want to ruin it. Every time I tried being happy about finally finding someone I could actually care about, it goes downhill and it really upsets me. Its really freaking hard to keep quiet that someone is able to light an honest smile on my face and keep it there for the whole day, because a week later, I usually fuck it up by doing something stupid and then cringe at all the posts I wrote about the said person.

I've noticed, that I was never good with love. I would fall for a person whom I trust unconditionally and it ends up with me getting really, and I mean really, hurt. And I promissed myself I would never cry over another guy ever again. I do intend to keep that promise to myself. So all these little crushes I was talking about did not mean too much, because they just didn't last that long. My longer crushes tho.... the first one, gosh, I cried so much because of what was happening. My second one? If I'm being honest, I think I cried twice. It is really hard to keep your emotions intact when someone dear to you hurts you. That's why I don't trust people easily. I know how easy it is to hurt me and Iknow how badly I take it. I'm so scared of being hurt that I'm kinda ok to be alone. Even though I do see a chance in someone from time to time, it always ends up the same way - me, pushing them away, because I'm just too scared to take a chance.

It might be childish, but thats me. I do, I really do want to talk about this new person in my life, but I'm afraid that by doing it, I'm just going to repeat the circle of what happened before. I do want to talk to it, but I dont want to ruin this chance. I feel that this might be something else.

And now I feel bad I said this much. I said nothing and too much at the same time. Its a fucking dilemma, you guys. I wish you could see how lost I am in my head these days.

I hope you're having a great day tho xx

its not a gif, but it appeared on my tumblr dash and it's just so perfect for this. 'books-n-quotes' :)

Hello hospital, my old friend

Guess who's sick again and went to the freaking hospital?

*pointing fingers to myself*

Nah, nothing serious, I guess. They said it might be appendix, but since the pain is now numb-ish I'd say its not that. So then it's a freaking stomach bug. It felt like I swallowed a razor blade and it was just walking all around my abdomen, it was so freaking painful you guys :(
And I still went to work to the club. Yes, I did ask for a night off, but they didn't have anyone spare to change my position to, so I still had to come it. I got to stay upstairs tho, so been laying on the sofa for a few hours, so basically, I was just doing the same thing that I would have done at home, I just wasnt at home.
But anyway, I'm not going to bother you with all my sickness story. Even though I have nothing else to tell you about. I tried getting my cousin to get to Leicester, because we both have days off, but the prick is lazy :(((( Gosh I hope he reads this so he would know how much I was expecting him! Although that said, my room looks like a war zone. Clothes everywhere, trash, food... I feel very much un-lady-like whenever I look around in my room, but honestly, I just really can't be bothered to clean up. Like, I need to do my laundry, but that requires getting my dark and light clothes in different bags and I just can't make myself to move. I think I'm just going to go for another nap or something. The room can wait, it's not that someone else is going to see it anyway :(

but yeah, I might add something more later, because I'm just really not sure what else should I tell you guys :(

Talk to you soon xx

gif from '

triptychyung' :) I typed in the search 'sick gif' so that's pretty ambiguous, but this gif is just yes, because it's Twenty one pilots <3

Is it dullness, saddness or emotionless?

So I told you in the morning that I was suspiciously happy

And now Im sad. Like, not too sad, but just sad. I tried dancing, I tried singing, but nothing really seems to have an effect on me. I just keep sighing with every sentence in my head and feel a little bit like crying.
I'm not sad because something happened. Nothing happened. I'm not sad because sad song came on. It didn't. I'm not sad because I'm tired. I love the feeling of tiredness, because it means I did something today. I'm not sad because I broke a candle at work - its not the end of the world. I guess I'm sad because I woke up happy. That's the only explanation I can think of.

I feel like going to sleep just to erase this day from my life. It was such a dull day I bet I wont remember it. The time passes so quickly with this new job, I have one month of summer left and I did nothing with it. I mean, what summer, its been raining all the god damn time. But it doesnt matter, right? I'll have a lot of summers ahead to enjoy.

I'm sad, I dont want to think happy thoughts. I want to break more stuff and I just want to let myself cry a little bit. I actually haven't had a panic attack or a big cry for a long time now. I guess its a good thing, but what I'm afraid of is that it will all come together and it will be really bad. You know what I mean? I've changed since last year. I hated crowds, I hated people staring at me, I hated being noticed. Now I dont really care about it. I got used to being someone's interest. I learnt how to ignore it even if it still hurts that same someone. I mean, its not exactly my problem, I'm always going to put myself first, but if I honestly show no intentions of hm... 'hanging out' with you, why would you keep trying? Like, if I change my mind, I'll let you know.
And with that thought, I reversed the situation and that's probably partly why Im not in the mood. I've messaged someone today and we talked so briefly I felt like I was annoying the person. You know how much I hate being annoying (like bad annoying, not joking annoying, because I love that). My anxiety screams put the phone down, log off from messanger or whatever, just hide until they will notice that you're gone. Or maybe wont notice. See? I treat people the way I'd hate to be treated. But how do I show/tell someone I'm not interested? 'sorry mate your jokes about us getting together are lame and can you please stop its making me uncomfortable'? I'd rather ignore the 'flirty' bit, if that's ok.
I am really useless when it comes to relationships, aren't I?

Anyway, I think I'm going to bed now, tomorrow is going to be a busy day for me, so I'll probably won't post (unless I'll find time in the morning, but I really doubt that)

love you all xx

 gif from 'gorunwithsissors.' :)

That excitement over nothing

You know that feeling where you're just so excited you cant sleep? Because just before I went to bed I had it and it was so very hard to sleep. Even though I was smiling as a little kid.

No, nothing much happened, I was just really happy about talking to a certain person. You know me, getting excited over nothing and then it all disappears. So I just don't wanna talk about it for now. Maybe some time later. But anyway, what was strange enough, I woke up in a good mood as well. I doubt that's a good thing, because I also sang to my alarm, which I never do. I just believe that if you start your morning in that great of a mood, the mood in the evening will be bad. It's a saying in Lithuanian culture and golly Gosh so many times it came true. So I'm trying not to get too happy, you know? Hell knows what can happen during this day. Like, I'm supposed to get a lift from one of the co-workers, but nor I know his name, nor I have his number if something happened. Fun times. Just yesterday I talked to this person that works in the werehouse as well and they said since the bus didn't stop for them (too full), they had to take a taxi and it cost about 24 quid to get to work. Mine would be around 30-40 and I do not feel great paying that amount for travelling. So yeah, not sure what I'm supposed to do. Should I go for the bus? Should I trust the person to actually pick me up?

Either way, I'm doing quite great. I don't have much of a social life and I would probably sell my soul for a good night out right now, but at least I have a really good team that I work and joke around with. There are so many great people there and I do want to be able to talk to them. Its the stupid anxiety that makes me just wait for someone to talk to me first. Honestly, I can never think of a conversation starter. And most of the conversation I'm being sarcastic anyway (which most people dont understand and just call me rude). But I'm not sure if I should call this my problem or theirs. Either way, I don't know how to handle a simple conversation and that bugs me sometimes.

That's it for this morning, I still have to get ready and leave xx

gif from 'plumkat' ;)

Very descriptive, I know

Yes yes, haven't posted, been busy, you know what's my excuse

To be fair, I went to visit my cousin on Monday and got back only on Tuesday evening, so I didn't really fancy turning my laptop on and writing something. Anyway, it was really awesome :3 we visited some parks, we talked a lot and it was just so nice to actually relax with someone, I haven't done that in a while. Like yea, I have my coursefriends, we chill while watching a movie or something, but our talks are somewhat the same. With my cousin it was so different, it was just so... relaxing. I guess it's way too hard to trust someone who's not my blood relative.
I talked to my Auntie yesterday as well and it was really nice as well. We didn't complain as much as we usually do and it's just so relaxing.

I'm actually not even sure what I want to write, I'm not even supposed to write this early, I can barely open my eyes anyway, but I probably wanted you guys to know I'm doing fine. Maybe the only problem is is that I'm a bit of an overthinker and there is something I can't quite yet to tell you, but I will as soon as I know more. Nothing serious, don't worry :3 just me being stupid haha

anyway, I'm going to go and eat before leaving, because I'm just that lazy to think in the morning. Love ya xx

gif from 'neqx ' ;)

Lazy day

Im pretty sure you know the reason I didnt want to post anything yesterday.

My best friend messaged me today and we talked and it was really nice, but it made me realise that I've decided to bring my blog back at the dulliest point of my life. All I do is eat, sleep and work. I don't talk to any boys, I dont go out, I barely meet up with anyone. Although I did start to talk to my cousin more often, it's quite strange, but I do enjoy it. You probably noticed, that my family is super important to me, so this, this is a good step for me.

I spent my whole day in bed. Any time I had to stand up was to go to the kitchen to get some snacks or just use the bathroom. That's pretty much it. And as dull as it has been, I've never felt more relaxed than today. No worries, no responsibilities, nothing. I guess I kinda miss this with all the work and stuff. I mean, I'm a lazy person, so no wonder I'll spend any minute I have in bed. I thought of going to Nottingham for a day or two, but I'm supposed to get my period these days and I would not like to bleed on someone else's bedsheets. I mean, that's pretty disgusting (yes, it's a natural process, but it's still staining, therefore, ew). So I'll have to postpone that. But hey, that gives me time to actually tidy up my room a bit, because whenever I'm back from work, everything goes on THE CHAIR and it's piled up a bit now. It's a good thing my flatmate is not in, I enjoy being in the flat by myself. Like for today, I cant be arsed to wash my dishes or just, you know, get dressed, so walking in my pyjamas is that freedom I love. I mean, I will walk in pjs when my flatmates are in, but you should(not) see my legs. I'm waiting for hair to grow out long enough for me to wax it, so it looks terrible these days. Like, I don't like showing off my legs anyway, I always wear tights if I go out anywhere. But it's just for myself, you know? I love smooth legs, they give me that confidence and comfort. And the feeling I can take care of myself. Gosh, I havent treated myself in ages. No hairmask, no facemask, no feetmask, nothing. Was quite tempted to do hair mask today, but as I said, it's a very VERY lazy day and I just couldnt be bothered to move that much.

Even writing this makes me want to fall down in my pillow pile and just watch Kitchen nightmares for another hour or so.

Either way, I cant wait for something exciting to happen so I could tell you guys about it :3

gif from 'drane999' ;)

*winky face*

Good morning!

Quick update on why I haven't posted yesterday - was literally so tired I was tempted not to even go to the shower (to which I did, by the way). I'm about to head to work, but just wanted to wish everyone a great day, because hey, its Friday! :3

I'm allowed to be

Gonna be honest with you,
this week is going to suck hard.

This Saturday is going to be exactly 4 years when I've lost my most precious person in the world. And it sucks that I'll be stuck at work all day, I'll have to smile to people and pretend that I won't be dying inside. Not just werehouse, no. I'll also have to work at the club. All the music, all those happy people... I'm pretty sure that at some point I'll just lose it and cry my feelings out. Because oh boy I will cry. I know one year it was so bad I called my aunt and I couldnt say a word and I got her really worried until she realised what day it was and started calming me down. It was so bad I woke up with all the capillaries popped under my eyes, throat scratched because it was hard to breathe. It was that bad, I miss Her so very much it kills me every time someone asks where my Parents are. Sometimes I just reply with 'in Lithuania' or just talk as if my Aunties are my Parents, sometimes I tell people and I get that 'oh I'm so sorry' and every time I just want to rip their eyes out saying that this sorry wont help to bring them back. Sometimes it gets so bad, I miss them so terribly much I take scissors in my hands ready to just cut myself and join Them. And then I look at my tattoo and it saves me. It saves me every time. It reminds me how much my Parents went through to give me everything I wanted, to bring me up the way I am and just how proud They are of where I am now. I couldn't do this to Them. Not when They sacrificed so fucking much. I couldnt look Them in the eyes in the afterlife if I did this to myself.
When my Dad died, my Mum went to the psychic and she told Her that if I keep looking to my Dad's pictures he's gonna call me to him. Well, basically, I'll be dead as well. So I grew up barely seeing my Dad's pictures. And just after my Mum passed, I have my parents pictures in my room. I'm not actually sure if that's because I kinda want them to call me to Them or just because I'm afraid I might forget to remind myself of what I've lost.

Dont get me wrong, I love my life, I really do. I love the way I learned to smile and laugh at the smallest thing, I love the way I cheer up people who need to be cheered, I love making people around me laugh, I love knowing I do something good. I love to do what I'm doing. I'm so fucking proud of myself and I know my Parents are. It's just those moments that get me, you know? I am allowed to be sad. I'm allowed to have days when I don't want to leave my bed and just pretend no one around me exists. I'm allowed to cry.

Since now I officially know I have depression, I can proudly say I'm dealing with it. I have my dark days, but my bright days are much better than it used to me. I learned how to be happy.

Love you guys xx

gif from 'hissmilemydeath' :)

DONT. WAKE. ME. UP.

Meeting new people is scary!
Even though they are quite awesome. With my anxiety and shit, I find it quite difficult to talk to new people. But I found this Lithuanian chick on facebook, we live in the same city, so we messaged each other and went out together with her bf and brother. It was quite fun, even though I had to message my Auntie saying 'just in case, ok?' - I just want to be safe, is that too much? But it was quite a fun evening, you know? we had some drinks, we played some cards, I was freaking invited to one of their Birthday's this weekend. Who invites new people to their birthdays?? #coolpeople
Who's not cool, on the other hand, is my new flatmate. GOD I HATE HER GUTS RIGHT NOW. Like, it might just be now, but she is soooo annoying. Like, I was getting ready to go out yesterday, she called me saying 'oh sorry I left my laptop in the kichen, could you put it in the cupboard for me please' and me, being a good person, did what she asked. I got back around one, got in my bed, fell asleep and you know what? She called me around freaking two in the morning to ask if her laptop is ok. LAPTOP. I would understand if it was a baby or smth, but a freaking laptop, which is in the freaking cupboard. She asked me to go and check it while shes on the phone, I told her I'm asleep, she asked me to bring it to my room. Just so I could go back to sleep I went, got her laptop, brought it to my room and told her to NOT WAKE ME UP IN THE FUCKING MORNING BECAUSE OF IT. And you guess what. She fucking knocked at my door in the freaking morning 'can I get my laptop now?' NO THANK YOU. NO SORRY FOR MAKING YOU GET UP TWO FUCKING TIMES, nothing. I'm honestly so pissed off right now. You guys know how much calls in the middle of the night scare me. You know why. And you probably also know I hate being woken up. Like, bitch, c'mon, its my last day off and you are being paranoied about your fucking laptop. I really wanted to smash it to her face this morning, but you know, I'm a good person afterall.

Anyway, I was planning on calling the surgery to have an appointment for this thing on my skin, but obviously I didn't wake up in time (stupid English booking rules) and now I'll have to wait another week because I have work for another four days. Fml, I know. I'm just so unhappy today and its all because of some paranoed chick who lives in the same flat as me.

Anyway, Imma go and finish my leftover pizza, have my coffee and wants some Marvel Agents of Shield.

love you guys xx

gif from 'geekylaugifs' ;)

Adulthood much?

I swear to God my Nan is just the best :D I really wanted some Lithuanian food to make and I called her to ask for a recipe and we continued to talk for almost two hours. I managed to get dressed, go to the shops, get back and crawl back to bed all while being on the phone with my Grandma <3 we could probably talk all day without noticing how time passes, bless her ^-^

But yeah, Lithuanian food. I really wanted to make like a potato cake and then beetroot soup, but when I got back I've realised I've left my grater at my old house, so no potato cake for me. But I still made soup! Wasnt as good as my Nan can make, but hey, at least I tried and I actually ate it. Gonna get my grater back soon and make the potato cake as well, because I just want to eat something that reminds me of home. I even bought Lithuanian beer from the European shop, because I just feel like it. Like, when I've started working at the werehouse I saw a lot of European people just being in a small groups of their own (as in Bulgarians with Bulgarians, Polish with Polish and so on) and I think I've started to appreciate my nationality more. That and I actually miss my home. I miss my village, I miss my family and I miss the views of Lithuania. It is such a beautiful country afterall. I miss driving through our roads, being able to understand everything and just be confident while walking down the street. I miss the feeling I get when I look around and I see people who has similar view to mine, who were brought up the same way as I was raised. England is just a little bit too complicated for me. All the rights, equality and that other bullshit where you try not to offend anyone is way too complicated for my simple brain. As a person who doesn't like to insult people because of who they are, I find it quite difficult to keep myself under the word 'nice person'. It's 'dont call him him, call one person they' and so on. There are people who identify themselves not even as human beings and that's just plain weird in my eyes. I'm sorry, yes, you be what you want to be, but if I try to talk to you as a normal person, don't get offended, please.
England is complicated. I love the freedom here, but I'd rather be somewhere, where people are more simple. I honestly miss Lithuania so much. I know I can't live there because the minimum wage there is stupid and prices of everything is huge, but if I could, God, I would go back and wouldnt even doubt my decision. My aunt keeps saying that I did a mistake by coming here and I agree now. I know I did wrong and I know I'll have to finish what I've started here, I can't just quit and pretend I haven't done my mistake. Yes, my diploma will me awesome, I love my degree, but it doesn't mean I wont regret being 27k in debt for it. I regret it now. Who thought that 18 year old kids are adults enough to make such decision as in taking a loan for studies? I know I'm not much older, I'm only 20, but honestly, if I could, I would slap myself in the face and order myself to stay in Lithuania. Or just go somewhere where you wouldnt need to get a loan to get a degree.

I'm getting quite serious here, aren't I? I kept thinking about money for the last couple of days and its just adding up. Gosh I hope I'll turn out fine. I cant even start to think what am I gonna do after I finish uni ;/

anyway, talk to you soon, gonna go and clean my room a bit xx

gif from 'heartmoth ' ;)

Random stuffy

Hello hello!

I'm still here and I'm so proud of myself. Not sure what's gonna come out today tho as it was only work today. I mean, I woke up and checked my bank account just to realise that I've been taxed which should not have happened as I'm a student and it proper pissed me off, but hey, I'll get it back, so no worries.
Work was pretty chill, had a good laugh with few of the colleagues. Feet hurts again, but I just say it means I had a good exercise. Like, 10 hours at work and then around an hour of walking from the station to my flat. Imma get sooooo fit >:D maybe thats why I ordered a freakin takeaway. I need a treat and what can be better than food, right? I was feeling like Indian takeaway today (idk, maybe because I'm surrounded by them all day... or maybe because someone was microwaving their food and it was a smell of chicken tikka and I couldnt stop thinking about it).

Oh, you know what's funny? I've been ranting about my ex-crush yesterday and guess whom I see online first thing in the morning? It's like my facebook knows what I dont want to see and just shows it anyway. Its quite annoying, really. I don't want to admit that I will never ever talk to the guys again, so they're still in my facebook friends list, but every time their name pops up I just wanna close the tab and go do something else so I wouldnt need to see it. You get me? Its like ghosting people you already ghost.

Honestly, I have nothing to say today. I was just starring through the window thinking what else should I mention and nothing comes to my mind. I heard someone pronouncing my last name correctly but just because they were from Eastern Europe as well. Tbf not sure if Eastern, but somewhere around there. I'm not too bad with geography, I just dont know where is this person from. But yeah, hearing it was really really nice. I mean, I have a laugh with British people and their attempt to pronounce it correctly, but for once in a while it was a really nice change. I think I'm starting to miss Lithuanian language a little bit. I only message or call to my Aunties or Uncle in Lithuanian (well, ocasionally a friend, but that's like once a week) and we dont really talk much anyway, so it's getting quite stupidly hard to say a proper sentence without putting an English word in it. I got so used to talk in English, honestly, even if I don't know a word, I know how to explain it. And when I speak in lithuanian, I just automatically get the word in English and try to translate the freaking description from English. And I'm not even that good at my spoken English, I stutter whenever I have to say more than one sentence, even with one, if it has complicated words in it I get confused. Like, I dont like listening to myself while I speak. And it makes it difficult because I'm so used just to murmuring to myself, others find it hard to understand me or hear me. Sad, I know.

That somehow reminded me that we all decided that I am crazy in a good way (hopefully). I was wearing my sweater saying 'normal people scare me' (AHS reference btw) and people would come up to me and ask why and then at the end of the conversation they would just nod and say that it means I'm crazy. Some guys even giggled that I probably love Harley Quinn and that I'm looking for a Joker. WELL, I dont need an abusive relationship, but having someone would probably be quite nice. Not that I know how relationships work.

Anyway, that's it from me for today, Imma go get my food and go to bed.

Love you x

p.s. sorry about the adds, if I learn this won't get me any extra money, I'll take them down xx

gif from ' ipanicaboutbrendonurie' ;)