The dilemma

How many times have I talked about my little crushes here over these past two years?

So many little, temporary crushes, one long, devestating crush and none of them worked out the way I dreamt it would. That's why I dont want to talk about it. Thats why I want to keep my mouth shut and let it go the way it's supposed to go, but you guys know me, its really hard to stay quiet when something nice happens in my life.

I don't want to ruin it. Every time I tried being happy about finally finding someone I could actually care about, it goes downhill and it really upsets me. Its really freaking hard to keep quiet that someone is able to light an honest smile on my face and keep it there for the whole day, because a week later, I usually fuck it up by doing something stupid and then cringe at all the posts I wrote about the said person.

I've noticed, that I was never good with love. I would fall for a person whom I trust unconditionally and it ends up with me getting really, and I mean really, hurt. And I promissed myself I would never cry over another guy ever again. I do intend to keep that promise to myself. So all these little crushes I was talking about did not mean too much, because they just didn't last that long. My longer crushes tho.... the first one, gosh, I cried so much because of what was happening. My second one? If I'm being honest, I think I cried twice. It is really hard to keep your emotions intact when someone dear to you hurts you. That's why I don't trust people easily. I know how easy it is to hurt me and Iknow how badly I take it. I'm so scared of being hurt that I'm kinda ok to be alone. Even though I do see a chance in someone from time to time, it always ends up the same way - me, pushing them away, because I'm just too scared to take a chance.

It might be childish, but thats me. I do, I really do want to talk about this new person in my life, but I'm afraid that by doing it, I'm just going to repeat the circle of what happened before. I do want to talk to it, but I dont want to ruin this chance. I feel that this might be something else.

And now I feel bad I said this much. I said nothing and too much at the same time. Its a fucking dilemma, you guys. I wish you could see how lost I am in my head these days.

I hope you're having a great day tho xx

its not a gif, but it appeared on my tumblr dash and it's just so perfect for this. 'books-n-quotes' :)