Yeaaah, I'm stupid

<insert a really deep quote about importance of being happy>

Imma get really philosophical here about happiness, but no, I am really really happy.

But I did mention it to you before. I'm afraid to be too happy. It's stupid, I hate it, but I can't help it. I became afraid of being happy after my Mum passed away, because a day before I got the 'news' I was hyper active and happy and just crazy. And the next day the biggest tragedy in my life happened. So after that, I've started to be more careful about my carefree happiness. I was happy from time to time, yes, but whenever it was to the certain limit, I would get scared. Just like yesterday.
I was cuddling with my love and it was just so perfect and everything was right and I was feeling like the luckiest girl in the whole damn universe and then it hit me how happy I was and guess fucking what. I felt tears coming up my eyes and I scared my poor baby because apparently he thought I was in pain or something. It's so stupid, I can't. But I have no idea how to deal with it. And trust me, I read about it a lot.
I dont know, maybe its the pill I took or something else but I feel that my emotions are really, like, super fragile these days. We were joking around at work and like two minutes after laughing out loud my nails were by my throat trying to scratch the way for air to get to my lungs. I didnt cry, I just couldnt breathe. My guess was because I thought I made my love angry and I honestly couldnt bare that thought right now. I didn't know how to explain it to him as well. Plus, it was a lot of people around us, so I didnt really want to talk about it out loud. And I could tell he wanted an explanation. How do you explain a panic attack when youre not even sure what it was about??

Anyway. I do want him to understand it. I want him to know I get really weird, emotional and stupid. That it happens and I know how to deal with it and I'm really sorry if that's something that would bother him.

I miss being able to be happy without being afraid that something is going to happen soon.

Anyway.
I gotta go now.

Love you guys xx

gif from 'imsherlockedinlovewithyou' - just breathe :)