I had a nice chat yesterday. About me being a nice person and about me, not trusting people. That's my biggest flaw, I know. I've been thinking about it all day today. I had few people saying I should trust people more, but it's way easier to say than to do. How do you trust people? Did they prove to be trustworthy? I mean, they haven't done anything to be untrusted, but then again, that's my choice how to see people, right?
I've been thinking alot. I remembered how it was after I fought with my best friend. I didn't have many friends then. I actually can barely remember that time. I guess I still can't believe it's been 3 years already. But yeah, after her, I think I've started hanging out with my Mum's friend. She's way older than me, but she was so cool and free and it was just nice to have her around. We had so much fun. I was told she's not the best company for me, but you know, if she was my Mum's friend, she can't be that bad, right? Plus, she was older, so I got to hang out with her friends as well and I felt so mature. It was awesome. Until I've started talking with my aunties about it. They weren't too keen of me going out with her. Later on I've found out why, but that's none of my business to talk about it. I guess that was another thing that led me to be more careful around people.
Then I got myself a rule. Just to be careful enough, I've decided to stop drinking around people I don't know. Or don't trust. I remember when I met my boys I told them this and they laughed. I agree, it sounds funny. But I remember how happy they were when we finally started drinking together. It was me, silently saying that I trust them now.
Someone asked me yesterday if I trust them.I told them I do and they asked me why. They said they didn't do anything to earn my trust. Well, they did. I have known them for quite some time now and not a single time I was hurt by them. So I suppose you could say I was tamed (if that's the right word to use). I mean, by the time I've started trusting guys, they didn't do anything to prove I can trust them. But I just felt it. I felt that I can be comfortable around them.
It doesn't take much, you know. It's just the beginning that is awkward. I know I am a strong person, I would survive being hurt by someone, but my policy is 'why would I let that happen in the first place?'. I know what it's like to be hurt by someone you care about. I know how it's like to scream into pillows because it's just too much. Trust me, I've been there, I know it's not pleasant.
I'm sitting in my room with lights off right now and it's making me depressed. I could turn my lights on, I could put dance music on (I have arctic monkeys playing at the moment) and start doing something, but I'm not. Why? I actually can't answer that. Maybe I am a masochist. I probably am. But with this, with this I can control how much damage I can do to myself. With other people, I can't do that, because I can't predict what they would do. I'm a loner. I love being surrounded by people, but at the same time, it's pretty hard. I have no idea how to explain it. I try to make it better, I swear. I try to be as normal as I can be.
That leads me to the first sentence that I've written on this entry. My Mum raised me well. I'm kind, I'm nice, I'm hardworking, I'd do anything for people I care about. I wish you guys knew Her. She was so perfect. I haven't met more perfect person in my life and I probably never will. And since I grew up with Her in my life, I want to be like Her. I know I'll never be the same, but I'll try. And I really hope that She's looking to me from heaven and She's proud of me.
I'm sorry this was so deep. I've just had to take this out of my mind since I've been thinking about it for the whole time I was awake. I want you guys to understand me. It was kind of strange to learn that someone read my blog. I didn't expect that. I know it's public and I know anyone can read this, but sometimes I don't think people would care. I mean, we live in selfish world, aren't we? Everyone cares for themselves. So why would anyone care to read what's happening in my life?
You know, I was thinking about that as well. What if all of my friends are reading this and that's why they don't ask me how am I? Does this make me a bad friend, because I don't ask them? I mean, when I text first, I feel like I'm being annoying. I'm sorry I'm such a strange person.
I love you guys so much. I feel way better now :3 xx
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