Prepare for some really sensitive information before reading
First and the most important thing to know is that I am easily scared of people. I might appear brave and everything, but as soon as I recognise signs of someone liking me (too much), I will fucking run away without looking back. I'm not kidding. You could say I'm like a cat. You have to... tame (?) me? You know why I love my guys so much? Because they were treating me as any other person. They weren't too nice, they weren't too rude, they were... they were friends. And I loved it so much, you have no idea. And then when I felt super down, they were there for me, knowing exactly what I needed. And they didn't talk about it afterwards, because I didn't want it to be a big deal. They understood me.
Now lets get to the part about my mood swings. You can say I'm neurotic. I get angry easily but at the same time, I can't stay mad for long. It's something I learnt from my Mum - she never held grudge on anyone. She was so kind and forgiving to everyone and I am so happy I got it from Her. But then again, because I lost my Dad quite early, I was spoilt. I got everything I wanted, I had people taking care of me constantly. In my early teenage years I had depression. I didn't try to kill myself, no, but I constantly talked about it. My step-dad left us, I hated everything around me, the only thing in my life that made me happy was my computer and my internet friends. I constantly fought with my Mum and you have no idea how much I regret that now. Whenever I got mad or sad my Mum was there for me and She helped to get me through it. I have no idea how She did it, but She did it every time. And when I lost Her, you can imagine what happened. My first panic attack after that - there was no one around to calm me down. I remember I was in our flat alone, screaming and crying so loud my neighbour came over to see if no one is hurting me. That was the first time I truly wanted to kill myself. I thought about slicing my wrists, I even cut my skin on my arm, but I felt that my parents wouldn't be proud of that. So I took a lot of pills to fall asleep and possibly never wake up. I was almost asleep when my uncle came to check on me and I know that after he saw me in that state, he got my Grandma to sleep over (that was before my auntie moved in with my brother and sister). But the moral is that I haven't found anyone who can deal with my mood swings as good as my Mum did. I mean, the closest I got was one of my guys, but it was still not the same. Honestly, that moment was probably when I realised how much I care about him. Even now, when I don't see him so often anymore, I can calm myself down just by remembering that moment.
So there you go. I'm unpredictable if we talk about my feelings. I can't guarantee I won't be a bitch to someone, I can't guarantee I would feel bad for hurting someone. I don't really know myself anymore. I can't understand how I function, but I try. And so far I think I'm doing just fine, knowing that I'm pretty fucked up.
Another thing about me? What else you need to know? Sometimes I hate people that I really love. Like on Monday, I hated my guys for telling me not to come over. But honestly, even at that time, if I had to do anything for them, I would have. You probably noticed I talk about my guys a lot. Well, to be honest, I don't have many friends. I know a lot of people, but I'm someone who would never ask someone to hang out first. I would feel like I'm being annoying and I hate being annoying. That's probably why I'd rather not hang out with my housemates. I mean, I love those girls, but I feel like I'm the third wheel when we're together. I can't stand being third wheel. I'm an attention whore, everyone knows that.
To conclude what I just wrote, I'm fragile. I'm as fragile as a person can be and it is so very easy to fuck me up. I'm so sorry if I look rude or bitchy, I am not, I swear. I just have my guards up all the time because I cannot afford to lose someone else who is precious to me. I have lost way too much already.
I hope you realise that I will always be up to hang out with anyone who invites me. Unless I feel like there is something else apart 'hanging out'. I don't do dates, ok? I'm scared of them. And I have to know you pretty well to be able to go on one. Last time I tried dating, I dumped guys after a second date.
Anyway, I hope this wasn't too shocking or depressing or in any way too upsetting. I want to be understood, I just don't know how to express myself.
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