Twenty days.
You guys must think I'm dead or something. Well, don't be scared, I'm not. I was just not really in the mood to write anything. That and I didn't really have much time. Like, I went to Lithuania last week, so you can imagine how busy I was there. Literally, that week went past so quickly I barely had time to hang out with my family. I miss them already, I wanna go back.
Like, if I'm being honest here, that week made me realise that I don't want to be here anymore. I want to travel and I want to explore my possibilities, I wanna quit my studies, I just want to live. And I know that's irresponsible, that's why I'm still here, paying my rent, going to classes and smiling to people that I don't even want to see anymore.
That sounds so dramatic, I know, but the longer this year goes in, the more I want to quit everything. It might have to do with the fact that I know I'm not wanted in the house I live in, but you know me. I'm 'go with the flow' girl. It's just... I don't know. It's not nice to look at someone when you know they don't want you here. I was told by my housemates to talk to them if I don't like something, but honestly, how do I tell them that I'm really hurt by what they said? I know I said it's not a big deal, but it is. Anyone I talked to about this are surprised how I still talk to them after they told me to find a new place to live. It's actually one of the reasons why I got back to Lithuania. I wanted a break from all the negativity around me and it was a blessing to see my family and be around people who truly loves me.
You know what else? I got tired of hearing how rude I am. Fine. I'm rude. deal with it. I use phrase 'good for you' mostly when I'm happy for someone and you British people just take it as an insult. Well fuck that, ok? If you don't want to accept it as me being happy for you, then maybe I should be sarcastic towards you. And you know, I used this phrase today pretty much as a joke, since my housemate corrects me everytime, and she was like 'you won't have any friends if you keep saying it' and I replied with 'I'll have you guys' and the noise she made was not comforting at all. Maybe they don't consider me as their friend? Well, that's a bit racist then. Am I over thinking again?
I miss my family. I want to be with them, I really fucking want to go back. I know there is nothing for me there, I have a great job here, but fuck it's hard. It's hard knowing that my friends are pretending to be my friends because they want to be polite. It's hard that my friends rather be high than spend remember me from time to time. It's fucking hard to be on my own.
I'm sorry I'm getting all emotional, maybe it's the pms thing. It's just I'm not sure what I want to do with my life anymore. I want to move countries, I want to start from the scratch, but look how that went the first time. I'm not someone who trusts people easily. I'm not the one who easily finds friends. I'm the loner type and I need someone who would drag me out of the house to socialise. God, if not my work, I'd probably be mad by now. I was so surprised when my auntie looked at me crying about all of this and she was like 'so no one gives you attention you need?'. And she wasn't criticising or mocking me. She genuinely knew that I need my attention. I need to know I'm not the only one always being affectionate towards my so called friends.
Anyway, sorry about this. I'm going out in a few hours and I'm really tempted to cancel out, but I haven't been out in ages, so I really need this. I'm going out with people I don't know (well, except the person who invited me), I'm going to the club that I barely like, but hey, what can go wrong, right? I have my phone, so if anything, I'll just get taxi and go home. I need to dance my ass off, I'm so tired of everything.
anyway, have a great night boo's x
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