I had a pretty busy week. First of all, I've tried going out on Monday. Let me tell you, that was a terrible disaster. The guy who likes me asked me to joining him and his friends for pre-drinks and then for clubbing. Now, I haven't been out for four months or so, so obviously I was pretty excited about it. I dressed up and everything, I was so in the mood, nothing could go wrong. Ah, how wrong I was. We went to pre-drinks, I met his friends, it was all fun and games until I realised they wanna go clubbing quite late. Now, in my experience, that means 'get waisted and then don't go anywhere' so I kept bugging them to go quicker. We went out of their flat around half eleven and let me tell you, those boys were already waisted. This guy who likes me was annoying me back in flat as he was trying to make me drink more than I wanted to, so my tactic outside was to have as much time away from him as possible, but then again he kept bugging me and you guys know how my mood swings works. Then I joked about him trying to grab my boob (cuz his hand accidentally hit my chest) and he started apologising as if it was a big deal. Now, not to sound like a slut or anything, but I had quite a few idiots doing that to me, so it's nothing that would put my mood down, but you know what did? He kept apologising after 15th time when I told him it's alright. Now yes, I know that might sound sweet, but guys, it is fucking annoying. I walked a bit faster and started talking with one of his friends, but then he started telling me how much his friend likes me and it was pretty awkward. Then the guy started apologising again which made me turn around and walk home. He chased after me STILL FUCKING APOLOGISING and I told him I don't want to see him again (or smth like that, I cant remember my exact words). I should be honest, I felt like crying just there in the middle of the street. I grabbed my phone, I texted my boys asking if I could come over (because being at home kills me) but they were like 'nah, we're about to go to bed'. I mean, you imagine how that felt, right? So I was trying to breathe as I was walking home and when I got back, no one in my house noticed I was crying. Like, I literally ran to the bathroom, closed the doors and sobbed for good 15 minutes before realising I still had my shoes on. I went to my room, but that was not really better. I was still having my panic attack and I was mad at the same time, poor things were flying all over my room. And just after I got a bit better and went to look for some meds, my housemate asked if I'm alright. Like, they missed me at my worst and then asked if I'm ok. Honestly, they were last people I wanted to see then, so I just went upstairs to my room again. I didn't even find my pills, so I had to rely on my breathing skills. They're not too good, by the way. And I did something else instead of which I'm not proud. Don't judge me, because I judge myself for that, but I took my nail scissors and I kind of bent through my wrist a couple of times. Not deep cuts, it were just scratches, but it hurt enough to get me back to my room from that awful place in my mind. After that I've put some music on, I lighted my candles, my fairy lights and I went to bed. I kept waking up as if I was scared of something, but next morning I was fine. Honestly, I felt great. I woke up being all energised and full of joy and I couldn't understand why. I even went to the gym that day. And then on wednesday I kept dancing at work because I was in such a good mood.
Yesterday wasn't too bad either. I submitted my assignment (I really hope I'll pass with it), but I felt so drained from everything around me. Honestly, as I posted on facebook, if I didn't love my job so much, it would have been really hard to go there. And today isn't too much better. Do you have people who just drains you when you spend too much time around them? I feel so tired if I hang out with my housemates for more than few hours. I don't mean this in a mean way, you know I'm a nice person, but sometimes I feel way better being in my room with my music on.
Lol, it was so awkward ar work yesterday. Our dj came in, put the music on and disappeared. Like, I didn't mind, we weren't busy and we didn't have people in for a few good hours, but I imagine dj should be in his place when people are starting to come in, right? But he was nowhere to be seen. I texted our manager asking where he is and dj came in a minute later. he stood in his place for a couple of minutes and then disappeared again. Well, I understand if people are going out for a smoke, or to the toilet, but honestly, he was out for a good half an hour. Like, I wouldn't care much, but a person from the dance floor came to me asking if he could make a request for a song. Asking ME for a SONG. I told him to ask dj for this and he waved at the empty dj booth asking when he's back. I had to tell him that the dj is probably smoking or something and I saw he didn't believe me. Anyway, after that I texted my manager again and he told me to go and find him. I went downstairs and our dj is just standing there by the door, talking to bouncers. I told him people are looking for him and you know what he replied? 'Tell them I'm here'. Like, be sassy as much as you want, but do your fucking job. So obviously I told him that I'm sorry that I can't do his job as a dj for him because I don't know how. He did noooot look happy, but at least that got him upstairs to the dj booth for the rest of the evening. Honestly, he gets paid for it, least he could do is be there.Anyway, sorry about my rants, as I said, I had a pretty busy week. I feel a bit better after getting that out of me on here. I should probably start getting ready for work. I might be on the door tonight, so I have to find something pretty warm to wear.
Love you guys to the moon and back xx
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