Sometimes I can make myself not to think about someone. But then there is this tiny little problem when I try to scratch my acne on my back. I know, it sounds gross. But as long as it keeps me from thinking too much, I'm fine with it. Or at least I was until I went to the shower and saw my shoulders today. It fucking hurts, I tell you that. And since my nails are quite sharp, I did a lot of damage to my neck. And it looks awful. It will take some time for it to heal so bye my sleeveless tops. I mean, I always had acne on my shoulders, that's not a big deal, but when I saw it today, I was shocked. And not in a good way.
So there is my dilemma. When I'm anxious about something, I intend to scratch my back, or, if it's inappropriate, I do that to my face. And I kind of don't like that. I mean, I have a lot of mini scars already, I don't need more. Especially on my back. You should definitely see how it looks like. I'm not posting a picture, but if you want, you can always ask me in person (ha, that would be a strange conversation). Anyway, I have no idea how to stop. I mean, yeah, it hurts already, but it's what helps me to keep myself sane and not be obsessed about certain someone. This scratching became like a habit to me, I develop those really quickly. What should I do?
I guess I'll figure that out later. Can I confess something as well? I ate 2 portions of pasta today. Not because I was super hungry, no. I just made it soooo goood. I know it's like a lot of calories and it literally kills me because summer season is like 3 months away and I want to look my best for it. But then again, me and healthy eating and even working out is so not a team. I hate working out, I don't have strength to eat healthy, I don't have motivation to do it. Well, I kind of started stretching every day, but that's because I realised that I can't do a split, that I could have done a year ago. But that's kind of it. I mean, my motivation would be to have a perfect body if, oh my, I'd be about to give someone my virginity, but you know what? It would work for like a week when I'm super horny. I actually figured the pattern out when it is but you don't have to know, do you? So yeah, my perfect first time is not motivational for a long time. Pictures of beautiful VS models? Trust me, tried that. I just want to eat more while being depressed that I don't have what they do. Friend who would work out with me? I know one of my girls has a gym membership, but I can't afford to go there, so this should be home-training. I'd go for a run, but who am I kidding, I wouldn't even make it to the outside. I can't run.
But ok, I'm gonna let you in my little secret with a hope that I won't lose this motivation. I challenged myself. I said that if I can complete 30 day squat and 30 lbd challenge, I can treat myself to a new piece of clothing. Even if I am poor, I promised myself that. And I'm on day 6 today. It was quite fun except for the burpees part. Oh god how much I hate those. Cardio is not for me. But anyway, if you've noticed me walking stranger than usual, it's because my butt and tight muscles hurts. But yeah, that's a secret and no one should know about it, ok? I want to see if anyone would notice any changes, if there will be any. And yes, I'm trying to form a habit for myself for a daily exercise. I mean, I like stretching and I'm going to keep doing it (probably so I could do that stupid split). Squats are quite fun as well, especially when I put the right music on (which depends on my mood). Though I'm not sure how to tone my higher body parts. I can't do sit-ups because of my back problem, I don't want to do burpees because they are killing me, don't even mention plank or I'll kill you. Push-ups are stupid as well. I mean, I can't do a proper push-up however I try. But there is a thought. Would it help to tone my body if I stood on my hands for some time daily? I mean, I love doing it. I feel so flexible then. Yeah, my feet touches the wall but that's more of a safety thing. I don't want to break anything. So, yeah. If I could manage my food income (I can't, I need help) I would be in a shape after a few weeks. But hey, as long as I'll form a habit of doing a short work out, I should be fine, right?
anyway, I really need to start that assignment (I WATCHED DEADPOOL FINALLY) and stop procrastinating. See ya, babes x
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