Honestly, it's been ten days and I still feel like shit. Like, honestly, I haven't been happy for the past ten days. I keep thinking how boring my life is, I don't want to get out of bed, I only eat because I got used to eating, I just generally feel terrible. And I'm not sure whether it's pms or something else. Maybe my depression is coming back. Maybe it's just weather. Either way, I'm not feeling ok.
My friend asked me what's wrong and I really wish I knew. If I knew what was wrong with me, I would be able to deal with it. But I don't and it bothers me even more. To be fair, I'm not even sure why I've opened my blog. I have nothing to say. Although, whenever I start babbling shit on here I actually start to realize something and it helps in some way.
So what might be wrong with me?
Weather? It's freaking spring, it's raining all the damn time, fuckboys keep annoying me as much as those couples that make out in a public place. It's like they're trying to rub it in my face. Ew, that's so disgusting, honestly. I mean, yay for you, you found someone who loves you. And then there is me who just apparently cant be loved. You know what, I'm so sick of it. I've noticed recently that I've started trusting people more and I was so happy about it. And yesterday I've caught myself thinking that maybe no one actually likes me and they just all pity me. That's always a fun thought when you're depressed, you know. I know everyone has their own stuff to deal with, but is it so bad that I want just to be with someone from time to time? Like, I needed company yesterday. I wanted to talk about everything that was bothering me (which would be stupid things, obviously), but no one actually wanted to meet up. I offered going to the pub or smth, I actually wanted to be around people, but no one was there to say 'yeeeeeeah, lets do it!!' - everyone were like 'meeh, naah, lazy' or smth. And it got me so down, I actually was drinking on my own yesterday. Obvs later my housemate joined me, but the point here is that I was so down, I drank by myself which is never a good thing.
What else...? I've started sleeping so much. I sleep till about midday, then around four I want to go to bed again and I would wake up around seven, be awake for a few hours and sleep again. Not sure whether it's due to lack of vitamins (although I do drink vitamins every morning) or due the fact I just dont want to deal with anything these days.
I had 3 dates planned last week. How many happened? 0 :) I knew one wouldnt happen, because it was with one of the ultimate fuckboys I know, but others... I actually looked forward to them. And then last minute one canceled, didn't even give me a valid reason and another one just wasn't planned till the end. You know me, I get really attached to one person and I don't really care about others. My friend called me stupid because of it, but what can I do? I really try not to catch any feelings since I've been hurt before. I'm not even sure what's happening with this relationship between me and this guy I'm talking to. I guess I've found out something I didn't want to find out and I have no idea how to confront him about it. I'm supposed to be that 'careless little girl' you know? so I shouldnt care about anything. But deep down, I actually do. Especially when dick like him is someone I once really cared about.
Talking about people you care about. I haven't properly talked with my family in ages. Like, they dont try to contact me, I don't try to contact them and it's just really quiet unless one of us needs something. Like, I have declared myself leaving Lithuania, but apparently, as a student, I was not supposed to do this. So we're trying to figure out what should I do, because I wanna visit doctors while I'm back, but I don't want to pay hundreds of euros for my check ups. I'm like super tight with money rn.
You guys know I have a cyst in my ovaries, right? I'm not sure whether I told this or not. Anyway, I was told it's nothing serious, but usually, to treat it, doctors prescribe some contraceptives and I got nothing. That's what was really bothering my aunties and that's why I want to go to my Lithuanian doctors. Sorry, but I do trust them more.
Anyway. I sort of feel like crying, but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't. I have twenty one pilots on and they don't really help. I mean, I love their songs, they're amazing, but they're sinking me deeper into my depression. The problem is, I just can't turn it off, because that's the mood I'm in. I wanna listen to them. It's so confusing, I'm sorry.
I don't want to be on my own, guys. I really don't. But do I have a choice? My best friend is miles away, my family is miles away and everyone I have here just... doesn't care about me the way I need to be cared for. I know, I know I'm a fucking adult, ok? I should be able to take care of myself. I can do that with bills and money and shit like that, ok? But when it comes to my feelings, I cant deal with it myself. I just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be ok, because I repeat that to myself so many times I dont think I believe myself anymore. I need help, but I dont want anything professional. I just need someone who could listen to me without any judgment. just like my Mum used to do.
Ok, tears are here, talk to you later loves xx
No comments:
Post a Comment