I miss my old sweet innocent me. She was so cute and everyone loved her. She had so many friends and there wouldn't be a day she wouldnt spend with someone. She knew how to joke around, she loved to have fun and just... she just knew how to enjoy life.
And then there is me now. Someone who would much rather stay in bed, moaning about her problems to the only person who is still listening. I don't know how to enjoy my life anymore. I dont know what it's like to go outside while its raining and enjoy it. I dont know what its like to have my friends messaging me everyday just to make sure I'm ok. I miss my old life. I miss my old friends.
Actually, I just got nostalgic. My pms is acting up, I hate this so much. We we're watching the last Riverdale episode with my housemate and it was a brief topic about fostering and I realised how I could have ended up in the orphanage if not my Aunt. And it struck me that I am, actually, an orphan. I know it, obviously, don't think I don't, but I never really thought about it, you know? I have my family who loves me so very much. And still. I recently caught myself realising I don't talk to my Mum as much as I used to. God, I don't even tell Her about my day and I used to. Like, I would lay in my bed and I would talk out loud imagining that She is listening. And I haven't done that for so long. And I tried to do it, you know? But I just didn't know where to start, or what to say. I've changed so much. I hate this me. I hate this person who doesn't think about the Person she loves the most every day. I hate this, ok? I know it might only be my pms talking, but still. How in the hell I can forget to talk to my Mum??
I have my make up on, I can't cry right now, but honestly, I feel like I need to. I want to. I still have an hour before work and I could probably fix it in that time, but I hate crying. I mean, I do cry sometimes, because everything is too much, but whats now? Literally nothing is happening in my life that would excite me. Even boys. Gosh, stupid boys. Why am I so desperate to have someone by my side when all they want is to sleep with me? I don't like this. I like the old way. I want to date, to get to know you before sleeping with you. I know its not how relationships work these days, but I don't care. If so, I'm just going to be alone. You know, my friend laughed the other day how easy it is for me to find a boy. Like, a new one every day. The problem is, I know I've mentioned it before in one of my blog posts, all I can think of is them wanting to score and then just leave. For example, my date on sunday. I was eating a freaking dessert, ok? I said 'oh, you should have some dessert as well' and you know what I got for a reply? He said 'oh... you mean real dessert. I thought you were talking about something else.' Like, chill, man. I know you for what, half an hour? And you're talking about fucking already? Honestly. Do I really look that easy for everyone? A fucking piece of meat to bang? That's why I have issues.
Oh and another thing. I was talking with this lost friend of mine, the one I've started talking again. You know, we do sext sometime, it's so funny to do it with someone I kinda trust and know it's just for bants. But I told him I've never had sex and at that point we kinda talked what he's gonna do to me when I'm back in Lithuania for those couple of weeks, so he asked me why am I telling him I'd fuck him. I simply replied with 'oh, you know, I know you for a long time anyway, its not that you're some random dude anyway' - but that got me thinking. Really, who the fuck he is to me? Someone I cherish as part of my childhood? Yeah, that. But he's a freaking memory I don't want to lose and that's about it. It actually got me thinking whether I should lose my V before going to Lithuania, but that's like three weeks from now. I can't see any guys reaching that base with me in that short period of time.
I mean... I don't know. It is just so complicated in my tiny little stupid head. On the one hand, losing it would be some sort of relief, I guess - I wouldnt need to worry about it anymore and maybe I'd get a bit more relaxed with dating. On the other hand, I dont want it to be random dude who doesnt know how to treat me right. I know it's not movies and it will be terrible, but that's exactly my point - its going to be terrible. I want someone who will get that.
But what am I talking about. Rubbish. I hate the whole world today (well, maybe, except, my Best Friend who has to put up with me *sorry Boo*). Everyone is so annoying and I've got a few messages from the guys and I just ignored them. I can't, I don't want to talk to any of them, ok? Give me a freaking break this week. I need chocolate, food and good show on Netflix. That's the dream. But instead, I'm here, getting ready for work and I'm gonna have to smile to drunk idiots all night. Ugh, I wish I could call in sick. I mean, I could...? but I desperately need money. I spent a little too much in Paris and now it really gets to me. I need to have enough money for my rent in July because no way in fucking hell I'm borrowing some money from my Aunt again.
Ah, I've been sunbathing a few days ago. I miss the sun so much, you guys have no idea. And then my Aunt gave me a lecture about how dangerous it is to sunbathe in Spring. Whoops, I guess. But I love how my skin got a bit darker, my legs look much nicer now. I love it.But now it's bad weather again, so all I need is to curl up in my bed and watch netflix under like seven layers of blankets.
I'm writing so much, aren't I? I'm bored. Honestly, I have nothing cool to watch on Netflix (any suggestions - comment below, I'll appreciate it so much), I need food, but I'm trying to cut out many sweets and it honestly kills me on this pms. I wanted to go to the gym but stayed in my bed instead. Like, I got ready, I got ready to leave and then I just fell down into my blankets and put on The big bang theory on. This is very bad, I know, but I will not make myself do things that I dont feel like doing, sorry. I wish I could. Anyway. Even if I am bored, I dont want to socialise. Like, no, I dont want to reply to your messages, I dont want to talk to anyone except my Bestie. But even if I want her to talk to me, I don't really want to reply. I dont even know how to explain it. I feel like I'm being super boring in our conversations, but I just cant, ok? Even existing at this point is hard. Gosh, on Sunday I'm so not leaving my bed. I'm so exhausted. I'd take a chill pill, but with 6 hours shift ahead of me, I don't need anything slowing my sleeping brain even more. I'm in a fucking emotional rollercoaster and I really hate this. Anyone know any pills to kill pms?
Ok, I'm going to stop now or I'll end up either crying or breaking something.
Still love you guys x
No comments:
Post a Comment