"Have you ever felt like you do not belong where you are?
I have. I came here chasing my dream of the perfect life – New friends, new job, new surroundings, new life. Everything was perfect, no one knew me, and I could have been whoever I wanted to be. I couldn’t breathe there anymore, I had to run - and I did.
At first it seemed like a good idea. I was fascinated by the city lights, by the night life and different culture, where everyone was free to do whatever they wanted. I felt great - I lived my life as I imagined it’s supposed to be lived – I partied with whom I wanted, where I wanted ,whenever I wanted.
Everything lasted for a year. I still do what I want and I love it, but all that freedom seems so fake now. At least there I knew my limits. I knew what was acceptable and what was punishable. And now, now I don’t know any boundaries. My life is a mess and all I want to do is get back.
The only problem is – I can’t get back anymore. I have responsibilities about which I haven’t thought before running from my safe place. I can’t leave and I feel as If I’m slowly suffocating. I hate everything.
I want to go home."
I wrote this as my passage for Creative writing. The topic was 'exhile' and I'm not sure if I did it correctly but after reading it over and over again, I realised it's much more than just a passage.
I realised that I do feel trapped here. I don't know if it's pms talking or am I just overthinking or anything, but I remember that like a month ago I was so happy about everything. I was happy because my friends were coming back, I was excited to start my second year at uni. And now when it's started, I don't feel so happy. My friends either ignore me (or forget me, which is even worse) or we get into fights. Especially with the girls. Like, I knew it's not going to be easy, ok? But I thought they were pretty understanding. I mean, they have parents who help them out, they have their student maintenance's and shit like that. What I have? I have my loving family who supports me with their words and I have my job that allows me to pay my rent and food.
I mean, yes, I knew I'm going to spend more money, I was fine with it, but again, sometimes they want to buy stuff we don't really need.
Anyway, I'm going away from my topic. What I wanted to say, I want to run away from everything. I want to run away from my problems and from my friends, I want to know that someone would actually miss me here. Because I missed all of them so much. Am I really that replaceable? Am I really just someone who has to invite myself to your parties and feel like crap because my friends couldn't have been bothered to message me 'hey, come over'?
I need a break from everything.
I wanna go home and be with my family.
No comments:
Post a Comment