Because I really do. I want to run away from my friends, my family, my life. I want to leave everything behind, erase all the memories and just start again. I wish I had a restart button.
I know it sounds as if I need attention. I'm not going to lie, I do need it. But I need it from certain people. And at the same time, I don't want to see them at all. I don't understand myself and I'm not hoping you would. I was tempted to book an appointment with mental health care at uni, but you know what? I can't see how they can help me. I can ask myself that question - 'why do you feel this way? What made you feel this? What do you think about it?'... I know those questions, I've been to psychologists before. I know I want to talk about it but I have no idea how to talk about it, ok? I go through it again and again in my head and it just sounds so stupid and I feel stupid just because I can't cope with anything anymore.
I want to run away. Even if it's for a few days. I wish I could just relax and forget everything. Even just for a little bit.
I know I could drink to forget everything for that moment, but honestly, I don't want to drink at all. I look at the alcohol and it makes me sick. I don't want it at all. This guy I'm talking with keeps asking me out for a drink but I'd rather just go for a walk, ok? Or I'd go out to eat somewhere, just... just enjoy the evening. I don't want to drink. Yeah, maybe I'd like to go out and dance myself out but again, I don't have time for that.
I know I sound desperate. I know this looks like a plea to be concerned about me, but to be truthful, I know I'm going to make it. I always do. It's just this is the time I have to go through from time to time.
I really wish you guys are better than me these days. I love you so much x
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