Been tryin to stay positive, k?

Right, ok, let's focus.

I've been depressed lately. And the main reason (probably) was because I didn't hang out with my other friends. And everywhere I looked it seemed like I'm not liked by anyone. You know what? Screw that. It's their problem if they don't like me, I'm fabulous. I know that sometimes I can be a bitch, but honestly, if I was nice all the time, everyone would start using me. Not that they're not doing it right now, but you know, it would become uncontrollable. Unless I don't feel when I'm used anymore. But enough about this.
You know what I dreamt today, just before waking up? I dreamt that I was back home and my sister wouldn't let me go. I dreamt that we went to sleep together and she squeezed herself so close to me so I wouldn't disappear. And I woke up and I could feel where her little hands were on my body. I miss my sister so much. And my brother. And aunties. I miss everyone I'm going crazy. It's been nine months since the last time I saw them.

But we should not talk about sad things, right? Halloween is around the corner and I'm pretty excited to celebrate it. I mean, I have no idea what I'm doing on Monday night, but for Saturday we have a Halloween theme at the club, so here you go. I wanna be a princess. I bought a little fairy crown as well, my housemate said she would lend me a pink tutu, so I'm going to be pretty. Or sexy, depends on the makeup. Am I sexy, tho? I feel like my smile is to sweet to be sexy. Unless what I think of sweet is sexy to someone else? Confusing, I tell you.

I just read an article that I shared a few years ago on facebook and it was 'what it's like to have more guy friends than girl friends' or something like that and it sounded pretty accurate. Not that I agreed with all of them, but few were pretty good. That reminded me that I always had more boys around me than girls. Ah, I miss my old gang as well, they were so fun. Well, except my first crush who ruined our friendship by getting a psycho girlfriend. But hey, if he's happy, I'm happier. But my point is, I can't remember if I had those days when I felt that boys didn't want me with them. I guess they'd always find time to hang out with me, even if it was for a little bit. Gosh, I miss my friends. I should defo text them sometimes. I hate that I forget to keep in touch with most of my friends from Lithuania. I really care about them, I'm sorry :(

anyway, gotta go, ttyl xx

love you xx

gif from 'thats-the-teen-spirit' thanks ;3

Another depressing day

Is it bad that I want to run away from everything?

Because I really do. I want to run away from my friends, my family, my life. I want to leave everything behind, erase all the memories and just start again. I wish I had a restart button.

I know it sounds as if I need attention. I'm not going to lie, I do need it. But I need it from certain people. And at the same time, I don't want to see them at all. I don't understand myself and I'm not hoping you would. I was tempted to book an appointment with mental health care at uni, but you know what? I can't see how they can help me. I can ask myself that question - 'why do you feel this way? What made you feel this? What do you think about it?'... I know those questions, I've been to psychologists before. I know I want to talk about it but I have no idea how to talk about it, ok? I go through it again and again in my head and it just sounds so stupid and I feel stupid just because I can't cope with anything anymore.
I want to run away. Even if it's for a few days. I wish I could just relax and forget everything. Even just for a little bit.
I know I could drink to forget everything for that moment, but honestly, I don't want to drink at all. I look at the alcohol and it makes me sick. I don't want it at all. This guy I'm talking with keeps asking me out for a drink but I'd rather just go for a walk, ok? Or I'd go out to eat somewhere, just... just enjoy the evening. I don't want to drink. Yeah, maybe I'd like to go out and dance myself out but again, I don't have time for that.

I know I sound desperate. I know this looks like a plea to be concerned about me, but to be truthful, I know I'm going to make it. I always do. It's just this is the time I have to go through from time to time.

I really wish you guys are better than me these days. I love you so much x

'pure666sensitive' thanks for the gif :)

Because even I get bored of everything sometimes

Hi guys!

I've been to my aunties ^-^ We didn't spend much time together, but I got some time for myself while I was babysitting my cousin and it really helped to deal with my mood swings. For now, anyway.
I'm not even sure why I opened my blog page. Probably because I wanted to see if many people read what I wrote two days ago. On one side, I love when people around me knows how I feel and gives me space if I require it, but on the other side, it kind of annoys me because then I don't feel like talking about out loud and I'm pretty sure that's a problem.

Oh, right, I remembered what I want to talk about. You know how I have a huge problem of being a narcissist and I care talking about myself? Yeah, I haven't done that in a long time. Whenever I try to talk about me, I have a feeling that no one cares and it drives me crazy. And I'm not saying that someone should just sit down and listen me talking about me, but it would be nice to get some attention back after I give it to someone.
Like yesterday at work. One of the guys was there and he asked if I could give him a free drink. I mean, it's not like we had expensive stuff anyway, so I did. He said thanks and then disappeared. Funny thing? After that I kind of remembered I haven't talked with guys in a long time. Well, he sent me a link to a tattoo artist, but that was about it. Is that a friendship or is that me being used?
I got used of being used, don't get me wrong. I would usually be fine to do something to people just to imagine they are my friends, but when it's too obvious it annoys me, ok? Last two times I hung out with guys just because I got them something they wanted. That was about it. I miss hanging out with them on like a movie night or games night or something. I think about this too much, sorry. I just really miss them.

 Oh, and another thing. My name is Judita. And you pronounce it as You-dy-ta. It's really not that hard, many people I've met actually can say it. And then again, people whom I've met months, years ago still calls me by my 'English' names. I had Judy, Judith, Judita (yes, as J), my boss even calls me Jujita, which sounds just ridiculous. Is it really that hard to pronounce my names? Especially for my friends. Guys calls me by my real name. One of my housemates calls me by my real name, and then then other one calls me Judy. And tells everyone to call me that. I was told she even asked the other housemate why she's calling me Judita when everyone calls me Judy. No, not everyone calls me Judy. Just the people she told. Yes, I prefer my real name. Yes, I appreciate everytime someone pronounces it. And it would be nice that people who knew me for more than a year could finally learn to pronounce it.

That's it. I got moody in the morning. Very helpful.

but I still love you x

thank you 'yourreactiongifs' for having this gif on your blog ;3

Apathetic

So I have a free hour until my next workshop and I'm too lazy to go home, so I just came over to the computer lab to chill.
What else to do than to update my blog, amirite?


Let me tell you this. October had been my month of changes for a long time now. I'm not sure how exactly to explain this, but let me try.
it's autumn. And autumn means it's not sunshines and nice weather anymore. it means cold evenings curled up on the sofa with a cup of hot chocolate in hands, watching a movie and just chilling. Sounds awesome, doesn't it? Yeah, I thought so too. Until I've realised a few years back that it doesn't make me happy. It makes me depressed. It's really usual for me to get into depression around this time. And that's why I start thinking about all the changes I could make and how I should just turn my world around. Sounds stupid, but that's just me. And that's probably why I pierced my tongue. And dyed my hair. And I'm going to get another tattoo. I'm trying to find something that would make me want to enjoy my life again. Nothing, and I repeat, nothing, makes me happy. I watch my favourite tv-show - it's just a regular show I've seen before. I eat my favourite meal? yeah, I got used to the taste so much it's nothing special. I have a huge pack of Nutella just for myself? because of all the chocolate I ate in the last week, I have terrible acne now. I listen to my favourite songs? It just makes me want to cry because of the memories I associate the songs with. Even my friends, I do love to hang out with them, but it doesn't make me happy. Yes, it's fun, but I get back to my room and I do not think about it.


I went on (probably) a date yesterday. It was something I don't do, you know me. But I really wanted to meet him because he's Lithuanian and I was thinking I could make another friend. It's just it was pretty clear he does not see me as a friend. Did the date made me happy? I was laughing most of the time, yes, but I got back home and I just carried my evening as if nothing happened. I wasn't excited at all.


I became apathetic to everything. My other friends doesn't text me? Fine, I don't care. I can be alone, even if that's the worst I could do to myself. I'm pretty sure I got used to it and I'm not sure if I like that. It's terrifying. I need people around me.


I know I've been in a bad mood for a couple of posts now, but that's really not a bad mood. It's me trying to cope with the nonsenses that's been happening in my life.
I remember my Mum's funeral. Time to time my feelings would just disappear. Not just disappear, it would seem like I don't have them at all. Like they died with a part of me. And then moments later they would come back and they would come back as a hurricane. I'm afraid of that, ok? I'm afraid I'm becoming apathetic and I'm afraid that I might break soon. I can't let that happen. I can't do it all over again.


I want to run away from this. I want to run away without looking back and I never want to come back.


What am I talking about?


I was so excited to come here. I was excited to start studying here and I was excited about my new life. Look at me now. I want to leave it and go somewhere where no one knows me. I want to change myself, I don't like my apathetic self. How do I turn back my feelings on again? I need help. I'm not telling anyone about it tho. I don't know how to talk about it. Even if someone would try to talk about it I'd probably just say I'm fine, because  I couldn't be bothered to deal with it. But I do need help.


I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm sorry. I just needed to say it somewhere.


I do hope you guys have great day, because I do intend to have one myself.


If I can be bothered to feel anything in the first place.


love you lots x

You did WHAT?

Hey guys!

It feels like I haven't talked with you in ages (that's probably what happened, sorry). I didn't even tell you what I did last Monday, did I? And it's been more than a week, so that's not so cool, is it?

So, yeah, I got my tongue pierced. HOW COOL IS THAT HUH?! I've wanted to do that since like 15 years-old, but I was never brave enough. And it was such an impulsive thing to do, I'm really surprised I actually did it. I have a lisp because of that (swollen tongue haha). And I was so happy to share it with everyone, because obviously I love it, but you know what happened? Boys said it was disgusting. I mean, you can imagine how I felt about it. It felt like someone hit me with a sack full of bricks. Not nice. But since I don't really hang out with them anymore (if you wonder why, ask them). No, wait, let me tell you why from my perspective. I was the only one who'd make an effort to see them. Last two times they asked me to come over was because I had to get them some stuff. And then stopped talking to me. Like, no texts, no snapchats, nothing. Literally nothing. I was quiet for a while as well, but you know me, I can't stay mad forever. I'm really bad at being mad. I asked how are they and I just got few rude answers. It made me feel like I'm some kind of nasty trash that they hung out before because they've pitied me. Well, fine, who needs friends anyway, right?

I've been hanging out with the girls more. It's way easier when all of us live in the same place, you know? You don't need to make any effort to meet up. I love every one of our hanging out sessions. But then again, we had a talk a few days ago about next year and I was told that they wouldn't like to live with me next year. I'm not saying it didn't hurt, ok, it did. But let's be honest here, I was thinking about living alone next year, so I shouldn't be mad. I'm not, it's just.... You know when someone says something like that, I always intend to make comments about it from time to time. I joke about it, but I feel like I look like I'm trying to 'hide the pain'. That's not the case, ok? I love them, but I would really appreciate living by myself. Less problems. Although I'm pretty sure I'd be so lonely I'd quit everything and just go back home.

Anyway, I dyed my hair yesterday as well. I'm kind of blondish/gingerish at the moment. Since I haven't posted it anywhere, I'm sure my auntie will be shocked when she sees me today. Yeah, I'm going to my aunties because it was her birthday on Sunday and I didn't go then. Got her a little present and I'm pretty proud of my wrapping skills for it (it's terrible, but I did it). Gonna be back on Wednesday evening since I have work, but at least I'll have a day with her. Although I'm pretty sure she'll be working.
That reminds me, that I'm working four days this week, isn't that awesome? Money money money and a lovely job. Who doesn't want that? I love my job, really.

Ah, by the way, I went a week without coffee. It was pretty easy, I didn't expect that. And I'm not drinking any fizzy drinks anymore, because I feel that it hurts my stomach pretty bad. But yeah, after that week, I got back to the coffee, but just because I like the taste of it, ok? I don't need caffeine.

Anyway, gotta go get ready for uni and my travel. Talk to you later, guys xx

gif is from 'lil-lostgirl' blog, thanks ;3

I'm sorry I'm the problem

"Have you ever felt like you do not belong where you are?
I have. I came here chasing my dream of the perfect life – New friends, new job, new surroundings, new life. Everything was perfect, no one knew me, and I could have been whoever I wanted to be. I couldn’t breathe there anymore, I had to run - and I did.
At first it seemed like a good idea. I was fascinated by the city lights, by the night life and different culture, where everyone was free to do whatever they wanted. I felt great - I lived my life as I imagined it’s supposed to be lived – I partied with whom I wanted, where I wanted ,whenever I wanted.
Everything lasted for a year. I still do what I want and I love it, but all that freedom seems so fake now. At least there I knew my limits. I knew what was acceptable and what was punishable. And now, now I don’t know any boundaries. My life is a mess and all I want to do is get back.
The only problem is – I can’t get back anymore. I have responsibilities about which I haven’t thought before running from my safe place. I can’t leave and I feel as If I’m slowly suffocating. I hate everything.
I want to go home."

I wrote this as my passage for Creative writing. The topic was 'exhile' and I'm not sure if I did it correctly but after reading it over and over again, I realised it's much more than just a passage.
I realised that I do feel trapped here. I don't know if it's pms talking or am I just overthinking or anything, but I remember that like a month ago I was so happy about everything. I was happy because my friends were coming back, I was excited to start my second year at uni. And now when it's started, I don't feel so happy. My friends either ignore me (or forget me, which is even worse) or we get into fights. Especially with the girls. Like, I knew it's not going to be easy, ok? But I thought they were pretty understanding. I mean, they have parents who help them out, they have their student maintenance's and shit like that. What I have? I have my loving family who supports me with their words and I have my job that allows me to pay my rent and food.
I mean, yes, I knew I'm going to spend more money, I was fine with it, but again, sometimes they want to buy stuff we don't really need.
Anyway, I'm going away from my topic. What I wanted to say, I want to run away from everything. I want to run away from my problems and from my friends, I want to know that someone would actually miss me here. Because I missed all of them so much. Am I really that replaceable? Am I really just someone who has to invite myself to your parties and feel like crap because my friends couldn't have been bothered to message me 'hey, come over'?
I need a break from everything.

I wanna go home and be with my family.

'shcd17'gif.

Work sleep study

I said 'I'm dying' like a million times today and it's not even 5 o'clock.

I have the worst flu ever. Like, terrible, horrible flu. I know it started like a week ago, but I swear to God I thought it was better yesterday (that's why I didn't take any medicine). And today I woke up with a headache, back pain, cough, runny nose and a feeling that if I move I'm going to break. It is not fun at all. Plus, I've been working yesterday, so that might have been an addition to all of this.

Right.

I actually want to talk about my work.

You know I love being a bartender. Like, I love the people I work with, I love the atmosphere in the club, I love the music, I love everything. But. Ha, obviously there is a 'but' or I wouldn't be talking about this. Recently my performance dropped and I did notice it. I used to wake up with the smile on my face that I'm going to be working that night. I'm not frowning when I go there, no, I still like going to work, but that fire that I had is gone somewhere. And obviously we have a bunch of new people whom I haven't met properly because I haven't worked with them yet. And then apparently I've been doing a massive mistake on the tills and my bosses were not happy about that. To be fair, it seems to me that they are not happy with me at all. They look at me as if I'm always doing something wrong or that I'm about to be told to 'get out'. I would cry if that happened. Like, seriously, I wouldn't know what to do.

Anyway, I really hope my bosses understand me. I've started uni again, I have issues with my housemates, I miss my family and everything is just going downhill for me. I really try, ok? I really want to be able to work where I'm working and I want it to work with my studies. I just need to figure out how.

Love you, talk to you later xx

 gif is from 'justkeepchill' and I feel like that url is telling me something xD

Just something about me

Hey guys ;33

My guys came over today. Not for a long time, just for some tea, but still. It was nice of them (tho they just needed to take something that I've been keeping for them).

Anyway, we were talking and I got an idea of what I want to write here about.
Friendship.
One of my guys slept with a girl who had a boyfriend. And we talked about it and one of them looked at me saying something about me judging our friend of doing it.
You know what? I so freaking didn't judge him. I was actually thinking 'good for him, he got laid' and in my eyes, it was her fault that she couldn't control herself around our friend.
That's me as a friend. I will always, and I repeat, always root for my friends. They could freaking kill someone and I would still be on their side. I'm that kind of friend who will think that you're always doing great. I will always find an excuse for you if you ever need one. I would do anything for my friends just to show I'm on their side.
So when we were talking about this, I was sitting there, obviously their girl friend who's supposed to be feminine and act like I care for that girl more than my friend, but I just couldn't bring myself to judge him. Obviously, I heard just his side of the story, but then again, I've met that girl before, I believe she'd act that way.
 So, yeah, I don't know if that's good or bad, but I'm that kind of friend. And I don't think I would ever change because people whom I care about are always my priority.

what else... oh, yeah, I got fresher's flu. Or just a flu. That's probably because two Saturdays in a row I've been in cold wet shoes for at least an hour (yesterday it was all shift at the club). And because I didn't wear a warm scarf. My bad, I know. I have one day to get better because obviously I finally have classes tomorrow. I'm actually excited and scared at the same time. It's my second year and I'm starting it while being sick.
On top of being sick, I'm tired. Like, I'm so tired I'm sleeping through most of the day. And that means I eat only junk or quick food which means I don't get the vitamins I need. I do take food supplements or whatever it's called but they don't exactly help too much. I really need to start eating healthier again. Just so I wouldn't be sleepy 24/7. It makes it too hard to go through my shifts in the club, I'm literally dead at the end of the evening. Thank God we have our bouncer that drives us home.

anyway, I'm feeling too lazy and ill to write anything further, I'll talk to you later xx

gif is from 'chibird' and I'm thankful for it. It's so cute ;3