I suppose that says everything why I haven't been posting anything for a few days now. I've been out and out to catch 'em all, so, you know. I'm level 10 now ad I'm literally crying since I have no data to play it somewhere further away than dmu campus or town centre. Anyway, it is a fun game and it makes me exercise more (walking is a good exercise, shut up).
But that's really not what I want to talk about. I had a nightmare today. Sounds stupid, I know. But it wasn't about monsters or anything like that. I wouldn't be concerned about it at all in the first place. It was something I'm kind of afraid of.
A bit of a back story: I was chatting with some guys a few days ago and I told them I have a boyfriend so they wouldn't be too nasty. I'm guessing if any other girl does it, she, as me, thinks of a specific person when lying about this boyfriend. I had a person in my mind as well but so happends he's not in Leicester atm. So these guys were like 'you do realise he's not faithful to you, right?' and I told them I completly don't care as long as I don't know. They tried to persuade me he's cheating and stuff and it made me chuckle. Like, we had a chat about it and I forgot about this five minutes afterwards.
But tonight I had a dream about something that was bothering me in the corner of my mind. You guys do know I have an ultimate crush between my other crushes, so obviously in my dream it was him. And we were sitting somewhere near the river with another older man who was somehow really connected with us. A mentor, maybe. Anyway, he asked my crush about one moment we had together and he started saying how he doesn't care about me in that way and it was kind of heartbreaking. Now, I do understand it was a dream and I do understand I don't have right to be hurt by those words because we're not dating, but... but I still managed to wake up with that feeling when I'm near crying. So, yeah. The words from my dream were ringing in my head all day.
Now, I never truly understood the concept of being faithful. My mindset always was 'They live their life, I live mind and it's just really nice if we're in each other's life' and I always thought it's absolutely up to that other person of what he does. Or who he does. Anyway, what I'm trying to say, I always thought I wouldn't be upset by the thought of my partner being unfaithful. I mean, it would hurt that I'm not enough and stuff like that, but why would anyone want to control someone elses life and their choices? We all have one life and we all want to take all from it. If someone I love wanted to try and love someone else, who am I to stop him?
Ok, I'm getting really deep into it. Back to my nightmare. I kind of know that the person I like and the person that was in my dream has someone else in their life. The only thing that keeps me from closing all the doors to this 'relationship' with him is one stupid detail I'm not talking about.
The stupid thing is, I don't want relationship. Well, I kind of do, but I was thinking that I'm not a responsible person. If I go out, I usually make out with a stranger, if we play a game in a group, I'm usually the one up to make out with someone. If I had a relationship with someone, I would be afraid to hang out with other people or go out because I wouldn't trust myself. Because my problem is, I don't think kissing is cheating. And even if I think I would be ok with my partner cheating, I don't think I would feel good knowing I love someone and still kiss someone else.
To be fair, I have troubles going out now. Like, that person is usually in my mind at least for half the day and I can remember the last time I went clubbing, I couldn't enjoy a handsome guy kissing me because I automatically thought about my crush and it made me feel guilty. And we're not even dating. It sucks, I tell you that.
What I'm trying to say (I'm a confused person, we all know this) is that I either need to stop crushing over a guy I can't have or I have to find a way to change this. We all know I have no idea how to do that. Especially when I know that other party is not interested.
I need help. I'm too clingy.
My theory is that I see way too many couples around and I just want to have the same thing. I see everyone enjoying the happiness that love brings and I want to have that as well. You guys do know how important happiness is to me.
Anyway, sorry for bothering you about this. I really needed to tell this to someone. Love you all guys x
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