So, ok, am... I don't know how it's called, but there is a phobia of being too happy. I'm too lazy to google it, but I totally know it's true. And I think I developed it after my Mum passed away. Every time I feel too happy I feel guilty. I don't know why but that's my problem. One moment I'm laughing and everything is fine and then second thing I know - I'm in tears. That's what happened yesterday with guys. I'd probably have slept at their place if not my stupid mood. I don't know what triggered it, honestly. Maybe I was a little bit too drunk and didn't see it coming. I usually do. I always cry on my birthday's and that's not a big deal. I cry all the time and everyone who's my friend should just deal with it. And it's really easy. Just let me be alone for a little bit. I know how to deal with all of this, it's not the first time. I mean, it's really sweet that they followed me and asked me what's wrong but it just makes me feel worse at that moment. I'm not blaming anyone and I don't want to sound like drama queen, but it's just how I deal with stuff. I'm sorry.
So, yeah, I cried yesterday. Not a big deal. What's most important, I drank and I wasn't alone! (since I was pretty sure I'm gonna do it alone at some point) and it was really fun. Probably because it was Lithuanians night and we talked in our native language. It was so fun, I can't remember the last time I had this much fun. But I guess I've described it on my last post. I know I might be a bit of a bitch for saying that, but I think my problem is I'm too careful around people. I mean, Lithuanians are cool, I know how to deal with my people, but when it comes to British people it's totally different. I often hear that I'm too rude or that they don't understand me so my solution is just to be quiet. Despite language, I have Muslim friends as well. And since I don't really understand their religion, it's quite difficult to know where is the line for my jokes. I mean, yes, I hear my guys joking about some serious stuff and we all laugh but I'm that kind of person that just... can't. I'm too afraid to hurt people, especially for their beliefs. I'm not a good Christian, I feel more of an atheist, but I'm not judging people because they believe. We all believe in something and I wouldn't like anyone to laugh at me for what I believe into. So, yeah, to hang around friends from other cultures requires doing a lot of homework. I'm willing to do it, obviously, but it takes a lot of time, ok? I need time. I need them to be patient with me.
Well, that was deep as fuck for sobering up me. I actually thought I'll feel worse after mixing wine and whiskey, but it's not that bad, honestly. A little headache that's treated with coffee right now. Maybe it helped that I slept naked. It wasn't so hot in the room either, so perfect combination for not feeling consequences of yesterday's decisions. Though my neck hurts. I didn't know hickeys hurts. God it's a big one. I'll have to see if I can conceal it with my make-up for tomorrow's interview. But hey, I don't regret it. I don't know why but I don't. Don't judge me :|
Love you guys, ttyl x
'nicolevictoria' thank you for the gif. It took me a while to find proper one haha. Tbh, I can see a few other bruises on my body but that's probably from biting. God that sounds wrong. Yeah, my friends bit me. A lot. I don't know what kind of animals I'm hanging out, but at least I had a few good slaps for them. God, I love slapping people. And that sound's wrong. I'm just going to shut up. Thank you again for posting this gif ;3
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