Hugs and butterfly kisses~

Hiiiiiiii~

So, ok, am... I don't know how it's called, but there is a phobia of being too happy. I'm too lazy to google it, but I totally know it's true. And I think I developed it after my Mum passed away. Every time I feel too happy I feel guilty. I don't know why but that's my problem. One moment I'm laughing and everything is fine and then second thing I know - I'm in tears. That's what happened yesterday with guys. I'd probably have slept at their place if not my stupid mood. I don't know what triggered it, honestly. Maybe I was a little bit too drunk and didn't see it coming. I usually do. I always cry on my birthday's and that's not a big deal. I cry all the time and everyone who's my friend should just deal with it. And it's really easy. Just let me be alone for a little bit. I know how to deal with all of this, it's not the first time. I mean, it's really sweet that they followed me and asked me what's wrong but it just makes me feel worse at that moment. I'm not blaming anyone and I don't want to sound like drama queen, but it's just how I deal with stuff. I'm sorry.
So, yeah, I cried yesterday. Not a big deal. What's most important, I drank and I wasn't alone! (since I was pretty sure I'm gonna do it alone at some point) and it was really fun. Probably because it was Lithuanians night and we talked in our native language. It was so fun, I can't remember the last time I had this much fun. But I guess I've described it on my last post. I know I might be a bit of a bitch for saying that, but I think my problem is I'm too careful around people. I mean, Lithuanians are cool, I know how to deal with my people, but when it comes to British people it's totally different. I often hear that I'm too rude or that they don't understand me so my solution is just to be quiet. Despite language, I have Muslim friends as well. And since I don't really understand their religion, it's quite difficult to know where is the line for my jokes. I mean, yes, I hear my guys joking about some serious stuff and we all laugh but I'm that kind of person that just... can't. I'm too afraid to hurt people, especially for their beliefs. I'm not a good Christian, I feel more of an atheist, but I'm not judging people because they believe. We all believe in something and I wouldn't like anyone to laugh at me for what I believe into. So, yeah, to hang around friends from other cultures requires doing a lot of homework. I'm willing to do it, obviously, but it takes a lot of time, ok? I need time. I need them to be patient with me.

Well, that was deep as fuck for sobering up me. I actually thought I'll feel worse after mixing wine and whiskey, but it's not that bad, honestly. A little headache that's treated with coffee right now. Maybe it helped that I slept naked. It wasn't so hot in the room either, so perfect combination for not feeling consequences of yesterday's decisions. Though my neck hurts. I didn't know hickeys hurts. God it's a big one. I'll have to see if I can conceal it with my make-up for tomorrow's interview. But hey, I don't regret it. I don't know why but I don't. Don't judge me :|

Love you guys, ttyl x

'nicolevictoria' thank you for the gif. It took me a while to find proper one haha. Tbh, I can see a few other bruises on my body but that's probably from biting. God that sounds wrong. Yeah, my friends bit me. A lot. I don't know what kind of animals I'm hanging out, but at least I had a few good slaps for them. God, I love slapping people. And that sound's wrong. I'm just going to shut up. Thank you again for posting this gif ;3

What I said? My friends are freaking awesome!

Seriously, I fucking love those guys. Where the hell they've been all my life? I feel bad for trashing on them. They are theeeee most amazing guys I've ever met. Honestly.

Maybe I should hang out with lithuanians more. I can talk in lithuanian. That's probably why I had difficulties with my other friends.

And now I just sound racist. Fun.

Anyway, I'm writing this from my phone, so that's all.

Love you, have a good night x

P.s. I have a huge hickey on my neck and yes, I'm still a virgin. I fucking love truth-or-dare games. I get to make out and I love it... I should probably stop here :|
Night x

I hate talking about it

guys ;3

So, remember when I told you about my inability to talk freely and that it was fine as long as my guys were the talking ones? well, yesterday was so totally awkward I can't even describe it. I mean, I kind of have an idea why, but it hasn't stopped them from talking the last time?
or maybe it was awkward because I wore makeup? Naah, that's nonsense. I mean, it's not usual for me to wear it but I couldn't help it yesterday. I was bored af and I really wanted to boost my confidence by being pretty. I feel quite detached lately and guys were really helping by talking anything that was on their mind.

To be honest, I feel like I'm loosing all of my friends here. My #squad is not even a squad anymore. Guys doesn't invite us to their night out, girls are always busy when I suggest anything. It's a shame, really. I liked them. Now I think about them just as my 'coursemates'. And girls, whom I'm gonna live next year, they seem a little off as well. Or maybe it's me? Did I really changed that much that no one likes me anymore? I mean, I wasn't the most likable person before, but now.. now everything is just way too different. And you know what? I want new friends. Honestly. I just have no idea how to get them. I'm too shy to talk with strangers on facebook and then invite them to meet up. I can't walk up to someone and just ask to hang out. I don't know how to make friends. It was so easy before coming to uni. I actually thought about quitting and going back to Lithuania, but then again, what would I do there? Everyone is so proud of me, being on my own, achieving so much here. I don't want to disappoint them.
For the fucks sake, what do I do? It was always easier to hang out with the guys since it's way less drama than with girls, but then again, I'm the one making the drama here. I hate it. I really really do. And honestly, everything seems to be fucked up around me at the moment. I want to talk to someone about this. I really do. I mean, I talked with my best friend about this, but that's not it. She doesn't know any of my Britain friends and she can't help me solving all of this. And honestly, I don't even think I want her to help me out here. She has her problems and I don't want to burden her with mine. I would talk with my aunts, but one is really strict and would judge me for hanging out with guys all the time and the other one would start a rant about how life is hard and I should understand it by now. Well, I do know it's hard, but that's not what I want to hear.
You have no idea how much I'd like my Mum to be with me right now. I mean, She is, but I need to talk with Her. She always gave the best advices ever.
Maybe I just miss Her too much. I thought about Her for quite some time now. I don't even know what's my biggest problem is. I want someone to hug me tight and just let me cry for a while. I need someone to be with me at my worst so I wouldn't feel so alone. You know, when I walked home yesterday, I nearly had a panic attack. I had those before, they're awful, but I got home without crying. And then when I was about to burst into tears, I called my best friend and she talked me through it. It was really sweet, but it helped just for the evening. Now I'm here again, crying and wishing to text someone specific to come here and hug me. I really really need someone by my side right now. I'm even willing to cry in front of someone. Yes, it's that bad. It's so bad I can't even thing of anything positive. Call me weak (don't, I'm not weak) but I last time I felt this bad  was the night when I got in a fight with my ex-best friend. At that moment, when I realised I lost my sister to something stupid. I thought I'll rip my throat out how hard it was to breath then. And you know what? It's happening again. It's hard to breath. I need to get away from all of this. I need something new.

I'm sorry for talking about it. It's just I don't have anyone else to talk about this. And I can't bother any of my friends and 'friends' because that's how I am. I will never acknowledge out loud that it's fucking bad. That I feel terrible. I need them just to come to me and hug me and say that I'm not alone. Because I do feel alone. I'm sorry.

I'm too lazy to come up with this title

You know the feeling when you think that everything is alright, when truth is, you want to rip your heart out so you wouldn't feel?
I do.
To be honest, I feel like it right now. I never felt so alone and lonely in my life. I don't even know why so. I was going through some old photos and I saw my Mum and my friends and everyone I left back in Lithuania. I would text my best friend, but honestly, I don't even want to talk about it. I just need a hug. I need someone to hug me and keep me in their arms for a little bit. I don't want to feel so alone as I do feel right now.
I was alone all day and it was fine, really. I had a great nap, I had great lunch, I watched tv-show, I played a few games, I actually built a card house that I was so proud of. I had music to keep me company and I was absolutely fine with this. Until now. Until recently when I realised that I haven't talked with my aunties in three days. That my Godmother doesn't care if I want to visit her. I realised that it's always me who asks my friends out. Can I even call them friends if that's the case? Damn, I'm being dramatic. I don't like it. But it's not the first time I'm thinking about it, though. I know it's a middle of the week and everyone has their stuff to do, but... but I feel left out. Am I annoying? I have noticed that no one really cares to talk with me. The other day when I baked a pie (cake) guys left pretty early. And then on Tuesday my other friends basically ignored everything I said. I mean, I know I'm not the most interesting person in the world and I don't practically like talking much, but common, if I try to say anything, can they at least listen?
I know, I know I shouldn't be saying this. I love my friends. I just don't think that's how friends should act. Gosh I miss my friends back in Lithuania. I mean, I do have a friend that I saw like once a month but we'd always have the best time. I miss her everyday and I really wish she'd be with me right now. And then there is another friend that I see even less. But she's the best, that's for sure. I can't imagine my life without her. She's always there for me when I need it. And now she's not here to hug me. I feel like this is falling apart.

Happy thoughts? Yeah, sure. I went to the workshop today. I barely listened but who cares. I cleaned my room, I fed myself, I had a nap and I had time to reminisce about everything interesting that has happened to me. And it's my Brother's/Cousin's/Godson's birthday tomorrow. And I don't have money to even buy him a present. The best Sister/cousin/Godmother ever. I kind of feel like my own godmother that cares about her more than her children. But hey, I will not become like her. I love my Godson too much.

anyway, I hope you are having better evening than I do. Because obviously I'm not talking with anyone today. I want my friends to make an effort to see me at least once.

and there is dancing Brad Pitt from 'haidaspicciare' blog (thank you for sharing it). I feel like I deserve this gif on my blog. I need it. It makes me feel slightly better and I hope this gif makes you smile as well :3

A-fucking-DDICTIVE

Hellaw!

I came here today, again, with a specific topic on my mind. Strange, right? Right? I guess it's my pms and boredom that makes me think about a lot of stuff.
So, today's topic would be addiction. But not the drug or  alcohol addiction. No. I want to talk about being addicted to a person. It might sound strange or even stalker-ish, but that's not what I mean. Or maybe it is, you decide after reading.

You know how when you spend some time with your friends, it becomes a habit to just hang out together? I heard that forming habit takes around two or three weeks. For me, it takes two days the most. I am that kind of a person that attaches herself to anyone who is willing to have me by their side. And that's why it was really strange to spend my Saturday evening alone. And then I actually baked a pie (though they called it a cake) to ask guys to come and hang out at my place. I felt so... lame? I'm not sure about the word but I didn't feel good about inviting them. I mean, I'm always happy to see them, but yesterday was somehow different. And they left pretty soon, which was no better. I mean, even if we didn't talk much, I still love their company. They can be on their phones all day and I'd still be happy to be with them. What's wrong with mee?

Oh, wait, I know. I'm addicted. I'm addicted to the feeling of not being alone. Trust me, being alone in my head is a nightmare. I overthink too much and it complicates everything. And when I'm with anyone, literally, anyone else, I don't need to think and it makes everything perfect. But then again, even if it's good for me, who would actually want to hang out with me when I'm always the quiet one? Like, when I went to the town with my girls I barely said anything. I was actually pretty convinced that if I wouldn't follow them around, they would forget I'm there.

NO. Nope, no, wait, nope. I will not talk about this anymore, sorry. I just realised that I killed my morning mood and that was not my intention. I just wanted to say how easy it is for me to be addicted to someone. That's fucking it. I will not talk about the possibility of being replaced in any of the groups. No. I will not do this to myself again.

Happy fucking thought:
I made the best coffee ever today. And here, I have a chocolate bar. And I'm listening to the saddest song ever for the third time today and I haven't cried yet. I am so fucking proud of myself.
sorry for my language, I need to express myself.

love you guys x

and gif is from '

crybaby-cliffo', thank you for it. That's actually me for the three days in a row, tbh. I love dancing to the music, especially when I'm alone. I should have joined dancing society. I am so going to do it next year. Probably. Pole dancing. I want to pole dance. God damn I shouldn't be talking about it.

That's what she said!

So I actually have a topic I want to discuss and it's so out of my comfort zone.
By the way, Hi guys ;3

A few days ago one of my friends told me to give the best shot at insulting him. He's really annoying prick, trust me, I could make a list of what I would say (naaah, that's my bae, I wouldn't trash my friends like that), but I just couldn't say it out loud. Maybe it was a pressure of saying the worst possible thing, but I doubt that. See, the problem I have here is that I avoid using bad language. I mean, I do say fuck and stuff like that, but honestly, that's mostly when I'm alone. Or because it's not my native language. To be honest, we, Lithuanians, swear in Russian, mostly. I do use those words when I'm alone, obviously, because when I'm with myself I'm really brave, but around others... I watch my language very, and I mean very, carefully. I can't even say 'drunk' or 'sex' or 'penis' or 'vagina' out loud. Unless I'm drunk, but that doesn't count, does it? Anyway, what I'm trying to say, I'd rather trash someone with puns and stuff like that than actually call them something really insulting. Yes, I used a lot of 'you bitch' in the past but the longer I live here, the less I use the word 'bitch'. I don't know why, though.

Yes, I know, that's another one of my complexes. I have mentioned about my condition, haven't I? It's not medical, don't worry, but my comfort zone is literally just around my feet. Anything braver than asking for a sauce in McDonald's is out of my comfort zone. I mean, I occasionally step out of it, mostly when I had even a sip of a drink, and I do like it, but I hate that I can't be brave all the time. I can't speak my mind without feeling judged because of my language barrier. I can't curse because I was raised that girls shouldn't swear. I can't call anyone 'butthead' or 'fuckboy' or 'cunt' or whatever. I would feel like shit calling someone like that. I get a few moments when I can speak out loud of what I think and I do know it's insulting like fuck but I actually feel I deserve a few timeouts from being a lady. Anyway, I probably don't even make sense anymore. What I want to say, it's much harder for me to be mean than it might look like. And whenever I say something insulting, I feel really really bad.

So yeah, next time anyone asks me to insult them, they should prepare for an awkward silence. Ech, what am I talking about, I'm always quiet around people. They might think I'm shy when honestly, I answered to them in my head like a thousand times. I just don't proceed to say it out loud since it's too insulting or I can't phrase it right #bilingualproblems.

anyway, love you guys x

lol, from now on, 'superfinetrio' , that's my favourite way to wave a middle finger to someone haha. thank you for sharing it x

21 pilots - stressed out

Hello there ;3

It's finally Friday! Not that I'm excited for anything or something. I'm not even excited for a day without workshops or lessons, because I have a meeting with my workshop group for presentation. Honestly, I have no idea what am I doing. I mean, I know what I have to do, but it seems I can't really concentrate on my task. It's not even the hard one, but still. You know the feeling where you have to spend at least <...> amount of time procrastinating before you actually do the job? I'm starting to think that I'm gonna do this the last day and then stress out when I won't be able to talk in front of my classmates. I was never good at talking and I doubt I'll ever be.
But that's probably not what I should talk about. I posted this phrase yesterday that makes me giggle today. I mean, it's honest and stuff, but let me give you even more honesty. I'm starting to realise that I'll probably stay virgin for my life. Why, you ask? Because whenever I start to think about it, I hate the idea of someone seeing me naked. And I've seen enough adult movies to realise that I might make strange sounds. And everyone who knows me knows that I'm too conscious to express myself ( I hope I phrased it right). I mean, talking about everything is not a taboo for me, go ahead, I'm all for the talking. But honestly, if it ever comes to it, I'll probably end up saying 'sorry' and I'll hide somewhere under my bed for the rest of my life avoiding any contact.
Talking about contact and avoiding someone. So there is this really sweet guy in my classes. I mean, I think he's really sweet and stuff, but I've talked with him for like 5 times the most. And now all suddenly he got me a birthday present. And started messaging me that I am amazing. Let me be clear, it's wonderful and stuff, but it totally scares me. I am way too masochistic to think that I deserve someone who would treat me like a princess. But that's not the case. I noticed that whenever I see the signs that someone might like me, I try to stay as far away as possible. I always make up excuses for seeing them or talking to them until they give up. I don't know why I do it, maybe it's too much out of my comfort zone. I mean, I'm brave enough to step out of it as long as my 'zone' is still near me, but this, I suppose, is too much for me. So, yeah, I am almost absolutely sure that I'll find as many excuses as it will take to not go to my classes where I might see him. Though when I talked about this with my girlfriends (I have two girls that are my friends and obviously I'm talking about guys with them. I;m not talking about my boy problems with my mates) I got a response that they would do anything to help me avoid this awkward encounter (they ship me with someone else either way). Anywayyy, I feel really sorry about it, because he seems really nice and I'm being a total bitch about it.
And my kind-of-summer-crush started texting me again. Scary. Why is it always no one or everyone at the same time situation? Urghhhh! I have my Brad-the-cuddling-pillow. I don't need anyone else :|

Happy thought of the day - I went to the shower and shaved my legs. They are smooth as fuck and I love it ^-^

love you x

I'm so glad that there are people who make gifs that totally suits my mood. Thanks, 'entwinedways' for that ;3

I want him so badly it's driving me crazy..

Guess who's nineteen?

Hi guys!

Happy Birthday to me! Well, it was yesterday, but I would never miss an opportunity to congrats myself. I love my birthday even if I cry on it each year. Oh well, I'm a strange person, what can I say. I actually put on makeup for this occasion. It looked nice until I took a nap and, you know, fucked everything up. As usual.

ok, but let's start by saying that 16th of February was quite nice. Do you guys know it was national Independence <insert a word> day in Lithuania? It's a big deal, honestly, I just don't know how to translate that properly and I'm too lazy to google it cuz I had like 5 hours of sleep. So anyway, as I was saying, that day went quite nicely. I went to my workshops, I had something to eat and then in the evening my boysgang came over. They actually did this 'cake' that they left over for 'my birthday' but honestly, I'm not eating that alone. They'll have to drag their asses here again. But yeah, afterwards we decided to go to their place. I barely remember what time I got home, but I know I had a good time. I always have a good time with my boysgang.
And then, yeah, I woke up at like half seven so I could make some effort to look pretty on this day. The only day in the year when I actually care how I look like. I was actually proud of my makeup skills. At least in the morning, you know. Now, don't get me wrong, but I caught a lot of people staring at me. I am sure I looked fantastic so my anxiety didn't made me feel bad about myself. So yeah, I went to my nine am, then we've had a lecture about our elan modules and then I got home to grab a nap. Well, that meant my make up was a little bit ruined. But at this point I had made a cute selfie so it didn't really matter anymore, right? But I fixed it as much as possible, got back into my pink dress and went to my boysgang house to pick my friends up so we could go to the Lithuanian restaurant. To be honest, I was freezing with my choice of clothes, but I felt so pretty it was so worth it! Obviously, until the evening, but about that later. So, we went to the restaurant, we ate (I got a rose from the restaurant!) and went back to their place. Now, I should mention that it was raining all the way and it's like 20 minutes walk. I had an umbrella but it didn't save my shoes. They were soaked in water, I literally could feel it inside my shoes. SO yeah, when we got back I had to leave them to dry and take my tights off. Now I should mention that my dress was really really short. But the good news was, I had shorts underneath it! I always put them on so my tight wouldn't slide down. But I still felt really really uncomfortable by revealing my 2days-not-shaved legs to my boysgang. Like, no. And I don't like my legs, so there is that. I got a pair of socks from one of them (omg it was so good to have something dry on my feet) and I took my blanket/coat to put around me so my legs wouldn't show off as much. It was pretty good until we started playing truth-or-dare. Now, I should mention that I am the only girl in this group and even if I felt even more comfortable being around guys than girls, dares were pretty damn daring. Let me point a few I can really really remember - I belly danced for them until my blanket-coat fall off from my hips, I got a hickey on my neck (though it looks really cute cuz it's so small), I gave and received a back rub, there was striptease from the guys, one had to take of others sweater using just his teeth (aah, my favourite); I made out with one of them and I got a romantic song sang to me while his face was like 10 cm away from mine (and oh, afterwards he had to lick my cheek so poor guy cuz I had foundation on). So, yeah, our dares were pretty daring. Though it was pretty easy with truth, I mean, there is nothing I couldn't tell them. I even talk about my periods or porn, so I doubt there would be something I wouldn't say. But yeah, I had a great birthday. I laughed so much my cheeks hurt! Though I always laugh around them, so it's not a big deal. Oh, and they got me a bottle of whiskey! I thought I never tried that before but after a sip I realised I had it before. I just can't remember where. And yeah, now I feel like a bit strange having that and a bottle of vodka in my room. I can't remember the last time I had so much alcohol with me. I mean, it's not bad, but still.

But hey, after all, I had a great time! To be honest, I spend more time with my boysgang than my #squad. God, honestly, I can't remember when I was out with them. I do spend time with the girls from #squad but that's because we're going to live together next year and they are the only girls I know. Honestly, it's easier to be friends with guys. I guess I'm a tomboy after all. As long as I have a good time, do I care? Naah. Anyway, see ya later, I haven't done my homework yet :|

love you guys so much x

'

nemesis-returns' I'm really glad I wasn't given a dare to kiss the prettiest boy in the room, I wouldn't know whom to kiss :|| but hey, gif is really good, thanks for sharing it ;3

p.s. This is my 100th post! Double celebration!!:3

I want to wish the Happiest Birthday to my One and Only

Mum!

I wish you the happiest birthday you could possibly get there!I wish You everything good there is to wish. I hope that the smile from Your face is never fading away as You are there with people You love. I hope You don't feel old because to me, You are always young. I wish You happiness and piece, I wish You warmness and someone who'd make You laugh. I love Your laugh, don't ever stop being happy!

To be honest, Mum, I also wish You'd be here. I miss those days when we celebrated our Birthdays together. I hope, I really hope, that You will have the party of the year there, where You are now. I hope You will get everything You wanted and even more.

Do You remember our last Birthday together? I loved the pictures we took. Every time I look at them I wish You were with me again so we could do this over and over. I know I shouldn't say that, sorry. I'm really Thankful for everything You've ever done to me. You are the Greatest Person I know and it would never change. You are the person whom everyone loves. Even if You're not with us anymore, we still love you the same. I actually realised I didn't say that to You that often. I love You, Mum. I love You with all I have and You're the Person I'd like to become. You are the bravest, most caring, loving and strongest Person I know. I wish You could help me became more like You!

I hope You're celebrating your 39th birthday there, really. I hope You have Your favourite cake, Your favourite music, Your favourite people and Your favourite drinks there. I hope it's as perfect as it can be. I hope everything is perfect. I really wish I could be with You on Your birthday, but I know You would give me a look for what I just said. We will celebrate every birthday we miss when we'll meet, ok? In the meantime, do everything we possibly can so we could talk about it for eternity and even more.

I wish You Happy Birthday, Mum! I love You more than I could ever express and I can't wait to hug You in my dreams!

Always and forever Yours,
Judita :*

Valentine's day, you say...

I hope your day is wonderful, my dear readers!

Either way, mine is. Like, really! I woke up from the call that my package is here and it was a wonderful way to start my day. Then I realised that I can spend all day treating myself! I ate pizza and I felt good about it. I had pedicure and I love it so much! I had hair mask on all day, I had face mask and I can't tell you how great I feel.

Ok, I had to stop a little bit after my last sentence. I didn't know what else I should have said. Well, maybe except for the fact that my flatmate loved my pie from yesterday. I think I'll have to give her the recipe. Anyway, yeah, I am happy today, but (I hate having sentences with 'but' in it) something is missing. Maybe all of the posts I see on Facebook, instagram, yik yak and snapchat? I mean, I'm happy for everyone, I love their celebration of love but I would be so glad to celebrate it with someone! Even if it wouldn't be a romantic way. I hate spending holidays alone. And since I do feel like I annoy my friends most of the time, I can't convince myself to text them asking if they want to hang out or not. And I am that person that has to be dragged into socials and stuff like that. And who knows what my friends are doing today. I don't want to be the third wheel if they have had plans all along. Anyway, yeah, I would like some company and so far I had just my tv-shows and a few text from my aunt. Yeah, sounds like a wonderful Valentine's day.

I mean, I'm not saying there was something different about all past Valentine's day. Maybe the fact that I wasn't alone and I was with my family. See? I'm not used to being alone. I need someone to be with me. I don't need anyone talking, I just need someone who would be here, near me. I need it, seriously. God I must sound so desperate. I don't need love, please, I'm my favourite person anyway, I need company. The only problem getting it is me. I can't make myself text anyone because I feel unwelcome. Especially today.

Anyway, happy thoughts! I love my hair, it smells like coconut! And my body smells like coffee (body butter, the best thing ever!) and my toes looks awesome! All that's left is my nails and I'll be at my best. And you know what? I haven't wore a bra for the past two days! Can you imagine how good it feels? Who needs a bra anyways?! (Yeah, tell that to yourself tomorrow, Judita).

I hope you are celebrating this day with someone that you want to be with x


 'ryannotbrian' pink heart and chibbi eyes? What else one need for the Valentine's day, right? Thanks for sharing it ;3

How should I call this?

'Sup,guys ;3

so I was pretty upset yesterday. Sorry about that. Family subject is quite sensitive topic for me. Anyway, I'm not going to talk about that today! As usual, I just sat down with no intention to tell you anything interesting. Because I am a boring person. Probably the most boring person ever.
But hey, despite that, I love baking. I avtually made a pie today and I am really really proud of it. It's perfect. I really want to share it with someone but all o my friends are pretty dead today. Well, not dead dead, just really quiet. They're probably getting ready for valentines day. Yeah, I get it. I'm the only one that hates romance and rather spend my day watching movies or chilling. That's basically what I do everyday anyway. But yeah, that pie was awesome and I still have 6 pieces left. I'll probably end up eating them today all alone while watching some stupid romantic movie. Yeah, stop it, I can watch romantic movies without being romantic. I just feel like it. Or not. I don't know. I'm so numb these days. Nothing amuses me. I should really find something else to do. Probably my assignments, but hey, I need to be inspired for it, right? And with all the hate I get from my lecturer it's not coming to me at all.
See, I'm just ranting about anything that comes to my mind. I don't know what to say, seriously. I've been laying in my bed all day listening to the same songs again and again, checking facebook and 9gag and basically waisting my time. I'm starting to feel a little too bored. Of course, my excuse this time is that I am waiting for my package from Lithuania and that I have no money to spend, but that's just an excuse. I need to have something to do or I'll go mad. If I haven't already. Either way, my Godmother asked me to come over at her place but I didn't have guts to tell her I have no money for my train ticket. She's quite strange, you know. I haven't seen her in a long time and to be honest, I still haven't recieved any gifts from her either for Christmas or for my birthday that's 4 days away. I mean, I'm not being rude or anything, I don't care, but she said she would gift me something. It's probably for the best since I haven't gifted anything to her. Well, my excuse (yes, I love searching for excuses) is that I am a student and I'm broke. And since I don't have a job... yeah, you get me, right?
Anyway, happy thoughts, right? I managed to go to the shower today. I mean, I usually don't even bother if I know I'll spend all day in my bed. And that pie tastes awesomely. And my room is pretty much clean, so I'm really proud of myself today. Maybe I should do something else? Oh, wait, no, I'm too lazy. I'll stick with my music or 'Modern family' while eating that pie I baked.

I hope you guys are alright x

thanks 'maritvg' for sharing this gif, I need this in my life ^-^

FUCK THIS

I need to freaking calm down

Hi guys.

Sorry I haven't posted anything yesterday, really didn't feel like it. To be honest I don't even want to write anymore. I don't know why. I stare at blank pages of word or blog and I just... can't. I don't know why. Maybe it's this month since so much is going on. Honestly, there is so much going on I can barely contain myself from screaming everything into my pillow.
Let's start with my family back in Lithuania. I'm not proud of what I am going to tell you, but don't judge me. We all have relatives we're not proud of, ok? So I have an uncle who is pretty much an alcoholic. Ok, not pretty much. He is. And it's bad. It got worse after my Mum passed away, because She was his favourite sister (as he said himself, only one true sister since other two were from the different father) and he listened to Her. I tried taking Her place in his life, I was really supportive and all but he didn't buy it. He has this 'girlfriend' who is in a worse condition than him. Well, either way, tonight they had a fight and he had to be taken to the hospital. I can just imagine how my aunt felt going there and realising he was way past being drunk and... well, we all walk past this kind of people with a disgust in our faces. I really really try being supportive, he's my family and my Mum loved him very much, but seeing a person sink so low it's just... I don't know. We did try to get him back on his feet, especially my Grandma, but he always ends up in the same situation. I can only imagine what my Grandma feels. She said she cried a lot today and it broke my heart not being there to hug her (even if she wouldn't like that). It's so complicated and actually this is really personal and I shouldn't be talking about this at all but I can't keep it just for myself anymore. I feel so useless right now and I hate feeling useless. And yeah, add up my pms with this situation, and you'll get me crying all over the place. I hate this so much.

But I promised you that I am going to be happy, so here I am. I was asked to be a model in a casual photo shoot so I actually went to do it. It was so much fun! The photographer was really sweet guy from France and he said I'm really comfortable around the camera. It was freezing outside but a few photos that I've seen so far were really good! I can't wait to get all of them. I promise they will end up on my Facebook wall. Maybe I'll even share it here, if I'll be up to it ^-^ so yeah, my morning was pretty nice. And I actually did quite good job with my eyeliner. I don't want to wash it off as it looks really nice. I could go to mosh, to be honest, I'm on the free guest list, but I really don't feel like dancing tonight. Not after talking with my family about the issue. Anyway, I had a few selfies, so I'm good ;3
And yeah, I was listening to the 'Hymn for the weekend' all day and I can't stop. I love that song so much. Even if it's quite sad (I hate sad songs).

ok. I got a photo of how my uncle looks like. I'm having a panic attack. And apparently it wasn't his 'girlfriend' it was someone from our village. I FUCKING HATE FEELING USELESS

I don't want to be rude, but

Hey guys,

So, I have an issue this month (lol, yes, pms). I don't know, maybe it's because everything added up to me, but I feel so emotional. Literally, yesterday I was watching 'Modern family' and there was an episode about the father being angry about his daughters boyfriend and I started crying like a child because I will never see my Dad being angry about this. In fact, because I will never see any of Them acting like this. I know, strange, but I couldn't help myself. I mean, it was nice episode, I really really liked it but I was so emotional. It really got on my nerves because I was tearing up all the time yesterday. And today, in the morning. I can't remember what I dreamt about (I dream a lot, please) but I woke up crying. And then I went to the shower and I fucking cried again. I'm supposed to go to my friends place today, because, Pancakes Day (!) but I can't make myself. My excuse, obviously, is an assignment that I just turned in, but honestly, I just want to cuddle up in my bed with all the blankets and pillows that I have and just watch a movie or a tv-show. She suggested to invite my other friends, but honestly, I don't want to talk or see anyone. Ok, maybe not anyone. I really really really miss my family. Like, I don't know what's changed, I saw them last month, but whenever I think about them I want to cry myself to sleep. I called my auntie today and asked if she could bring Grandma to her place so I could talk with her. I don't usually do this. I don't know, something is really wrong. I just can't figure it out and it makes me nervous. I had this before, ok? I know how badly it can end. I don't want this at all. How do I cope with all of this?
Here. Again. I teared up for no reason. And I can't help myself. I want someone to come and hug me so tightly that every broken piece of me would stick together again but at the same time I feel that if someone would try to do it, I'd probably just lean back and be like 'chill, whatcha doin'?' I don't know how to deal with this. I want to let people into my life, but at the same time I can't really. Do I have trust issues? Ok, yeah I do. I know that. But still. I didn't feel like that in a long time. I don't like this not even a bit and when I think about it, that I'll have to spend a week in this mood I want to kill myself. Not that I would do that, please, but I really hate being sad. I want to smile and paint the world with pink colours so everything would be fine. nd for the past few days I was not able to do it. It really bothers me.
But anyway, sorry for this, I'll try to think of something happy ;3
Like, my cousin is planning on moving to Australia. I can't believe he'd actually do it but I'm so proud of Him! I know he loves challenges and this one will be just for him. I hope he'll visit me before leaving, though, since he lives not far from Leicester. Anyway, yeah, I'm really really proud of him and I wish him all the luck he can possibly get ;3

I love Jenna Marbles. She's so awesome. Thanks, 'atlamilliahearts' for sharing her gif. I will totally clap it out ^-^

So much to tell so little time

Guys, I have sooo much to tell!

So, ok, let's start with... ok, with my friend that came over on Friday. She's such a cutiee! Tbh, what I noticed is that she's quite tall. Obviously, that's what I'm supposed to expect from a model, but still, I felt so little standing next to her! (I'm used to being small, I hang out with guys that are way taller than me, but they are guys!) anyway, honestly, I thought it was a bit awkward at first. I mean, I had that with my previous internet friends, so I tried my best to talk up and make her feel welcome. I don't know how that worked out, but at least I found something to talk, right? Oh, I was so nervous! Probably because I didn't knew how to act. Like, are we just friends or are we supposed to try something? Like, Idk. How does it go? She was so brave and stuff and I couldn't actually believe that she never had a boyfriend/girlfriend before. I guess that's what modelling does, right? It gives you courage and stuff. Anyway, we went clubbing. I knew she didn't really want to go but honestly, I needed to get out of my house pretty badly. Like, I haven't been out there for weeks now and it kills me every time I hear someone going out. Like, I know I'm not supposed to spend any money, but then again, I can't really sit at home all the time, can I? I don't know. Anyway, I think it was pretty fun. Though I lost all of my other friends that we went with. Long story short, we went home around 2 am. And then two friends came over again, so we hung out until like 4 or smth. Then we had a discussion how are we supposed to sleep. Obviously, bed was a bad option, since I'm quite big, so eventually we built a fort and slept there. And then I found out I snore. Like, ok, that's embarrassing. We spent all day in our half-fort doing basically nothing. We were supposed to go to town but it was raining and we wouldn't have enjoyed the walk. Anyway, saying goodbye was pretty hard. Like, I know myself, I like quick goodbyes so I could be sad about it without anyone actually knowing it. So, yeah. Though she texted me that she cried, so fair enough, right?
Anyway, moving on. I'm not quite sure about this one, but I'm pretty convinced that I had a first I'm-not-drunk kiss last week. I'm not going into any details specifically, but it was the worst kiss of my life and I drank all of my vodka that I had left to actually take the taste out of my mouth. But that's probably because he was high, because I love kissing, you know. Or maybe because I don't practically like the guy. Anyway, it was disgusting and I'd never do that again.
Another thing. Actually this is quite old news but as my family is the best one, I heard about it just today. Thank you for that, my lovely ones. So, the point is, remember when I said that my Grandma is sick? Well, to be honest with you, she was battling with cancer. And after 6 chemotherapy sessions the results came pretty great and now she'll need to check up after three months. I'm so glad! You have no idea how happy I am. Like, seriously, I read that message from my aunt and I couldn't stop smiling. I even teared up from happiness and if you know me, that's a rare thing. I'm so happy she's alright! I really really want to call her tomorrow and congratulate her :3 though I might not have a credit for it. Well, I'll ask my family to get her to the computer do to that. AAah, I'm so happy, I can't even! I knew it's gonna be good news. It can't be otherwise.
What else I wanted to talk about? Oh, right. My ex-best friend messaged me. She wants to read my blog so she could improve on her English language. I'm so proud of her, you know. She tries so hard to do her best. I always admired that in her. I mean, who wouldn't. I never put any effort in anything and she was always there, showing me what I could achieve if I tried harder. Obviously, I never did, because I am a lazy-ass. But yeah, I'm pretty proud of her. It's nice to see how we still can talk without being awkward ;3
Oh, and I ordered some pictures from "FreePrints'' app. I hope they will turn out in a good quality. I want them hanging on my wardrobe so I could see my family anytime I look around. God, I miss them again. I actually am pretty scared of all of my 'adult' thing. While I had job I was fine living on my own, I knew I'm covered and stuff, but now with each passing day I feel more and more nauseous of what the fuck should I do. But I'm not talking about it today, because my post is about happy things! I am so happy that my Grandma is alright! My aunt said she eats a lot and that is a really good thing! Oh, every time I think about it I tear up. I'm so happy!

Either way, I love you guys, ttyl, because I need to do my homework ;3

let's do a happy dance, 'thecynicalcrayon'! Thanks for sharing this gif, I'm so happy at the moment I could totally dance this off right now ;3

Sorry not sorry because I'm sorry

Hello, guys :)

I'm sorry I was a little bit off for a long time. I know it's not pleasant to read about someone whining all the time, but I had a rough time and my blog is the only place where I can talk about it without needing to see anyone's reaction to it.
I have a good news, actually! Remember when I talked about my tumblr rpg partner? Well, she's coming for a visit tomorrow! I can't wait to meet her in real life, she seems to be really cool person! Though I kind of have no idea what we are going to do when she gets here. Definitely going somewhere to eat, because, reasons, but then we'll have all day ahead of us. I was thinking of bringing her to Mosh since it has like an event or something, but I don't think she wants, really. Or maybe she does, but doesn't want to look like someone who loves to party? Aaah, I don't know. I really want this to work. Maybe because I have a tiny crush on her. Because obviously it's so easy for me to get past my old crush.
Oh, right right right! So I've finally took Brad the pillow home from my friends place. It's my Christmas present and it's the best thing ever. I can't stay away from it. I probably desperately needed someone to cuddle with. Well, the point is, that yesterday, while I was laying with it and watched 'Modern Family' and messaged a few guys, I realised that I don't need anyone. I have Brad to snuggle with and for all of the relationship part, I have myself. Like, I talk to myself so often I'm afraid someone might think I'm not living alone. I love talking with myself, I'm the best friend of mines. So, yeah, I realised that boys are for friends, not for anything else. And please, if they think otherwise, it's so their problem. I get bored crushing over someone whom I know I don't have a chance with. It's boring so I let myself move on. And when my friends asks how it's going, I can just say that I'm fine as it is. Because I am.
Anyway, I don't know what to tell you guys, to be honest. I know I haven't posted anything yesterday, I don't even have excuse for it, but as I said in my first entrie, I am a boring person. I lay in my bed all day, I watch tv-shows, I eat and I sleep. That's basically it. I mean, I would like to go out tonight, to chill or anything, but when I try to think with whom I'd like to be today, I realise that I'm the best company I need. Even if I get bored of myself sometimes. Either way, instead of going somewhere, I'm gonna be in my pyjamas, watching 'Modern family' cuddling with Brad and pretending that this is not the monotony I was hoping I'll avoid while being at uni. Maybe I should do my toes while I'm not doing anything. Though I have only black nail polish, I doubt that would look good. My room is pretty clean, except for the rug that I'm cleaning tomorrow. I might wash my dishes though I'm pretty sure I'm too lazy to do it. Well, I am going to gain a lot of weight with this attitude. Not that I really care as long as I'm healthy (I do care).

But hey, at least I'm happy today. Can't wait for tomorrow, I'm so excited to finally meet her! ;3

 gif from 'wattpad' thanks for sharing ;3 I can't wait to go to meet her tomorrow. Should I make an effort and put some make-up on? :O

Really

You know how they say that if The King has to say that he is a King, he is not really a King? I hope that this doe not apply to saying that I am not weak.
Because I am not weak.
Trust me, if I was weak I would not be where I am today. I would be deep underground, feeding worms alongside with my dear Parents, with my name on the stone. I saw my Dad hang himself, my Step-father left us without explanation and finally I lost the only Person I loved more than my life. On top of that, I lost my best friend as well. And someone actually thinks that I am weak? Step into my shoes, try it. Trust me, smiling everyday, talking with everyone and not dying takes more than it may look like. I don't like to talk about, really, but that was all I could think about after reading the comment on my previous post. I was the one counselling my family at my Mums funeral. I was the one that told everyone that She is in a better place now. I was the one that tried not to cry so it wouldn't be even more harder on them. You may think that almost three years that passed should have healed anything that was broken, but let me tell you the news. It doesn't heal. I may forget the pain from time to time when I have people I love around me, but trust me, whenever I'm alone, it hurts so fucking much I want to die. You know what it's like to live like that? Live knowing that you won't be able to hug Them anymore? Talk to Them? It hurts. It hurts so much I spend all day trying not to break apart. I try smiling, I try laughing, I try living everyday so my Parents would be proud of me. And when someone says that I am weak, it's... they couldn't be more wrong. They might think that there are people that has way worse than me and I do agree with it. But it doesn't mean that I suffer less.
I remember when I had to go to school after my Mums funeral. We had a psychologist at our school and the more I talked with her, the more I realised what a mess I am. I am a mess, yes, but I am one hell of a strong mess right here. Honestly, anything at the school triggered my emotions. I'd have to leave my lessons for a short break so I'd go to the bathroom and cry the shit out of myself of how much it hurt. Thank God for the teachers that were totally understanding. There were a lot of these moments. I would scream myself to sleep, I would take pills. I actually cut my wrists one time. It wasn't deep, I didn't like what pain did to me, but the fact that I was brave enough to take the knife into my hands was what scared me. I drank huge amounts of sedatives without anyone knowing. I'd go and buy them so no one would notice the shortage back home. I was a mess back then but I survived. I still have nights when I want to scream and kill myself and there is no one stopping me. No one except my Parents. Ironic, isn't it? I look at their wedding picture, where they are so happy and inlove and I think to myself that I want that. I want that and more, I want Them to look at me from the sky and be proud of me. I actually made myself believe They are with me. Now I don't know what do you think, but honestly, calling me weak is the biggest insult I could ever receive. I am not weak. My Mum wasn't weak and I know Im not on Her level yet, but I'm getting here. I want Her to be proud of me.

And yes, I tried to be around my friends as much as I could today. I tried not to be alone but here I am, in my room, in my pyjamas, listening to Panic at the disco, crying, writing this and waiting for my Aunt to call me. And thinking over and over how I miss my Parents. On this day especially, I miss my Dad. I didn't really knew him, I mean, I was almost five years old, but honestly, for 11 years he was there for me when I needed someone to miss. When I needed a simple reason to cry, when I needed someone to share a secret. He was there and I love Him so much for it. He means the world to me. And realising that it was 14 since the last time we spoke.... It scares the hell out of me. I can still remember Him, at least the last episode of our conversation. I Loved Him then and I will always Love Him in the future. He was someone I could rely on even if He physically wasn't there. Thank You, Dad, for being the Best Dad You could have possibly be for me.

And I'm sorry I'm not putting any gif here. I don't feel like I should. Same as the last post of mines. I don't want anything there. Especially today. I just want to cry for a little bit, if that's ok.

I hate it so much it kills me.

I don't know what's wrong with me and don't you dare saying it's nothing.

ok, I know what it is.

Tomorrow will be the day when I lost my Dad. 14 years ago. And I hate the fact that I can't be there to visit Him. I hate it I hate it I hate it. And my birthday is coming up. Guess what, two days before that it's my Mums birthday. You feel me?
It's not like I haven't been through this, you know. It's the first time I'm not going to be near my family on these days. I'm scared. I'd never break in front of them because I'm the tough one in the family, but how am I supposed to go through it when I'm all alone? I can't. I can't I can't I can't. God, I'm panicing right now. I don't know what's wrong with me, why would I break like that, but here I am trying not to cry. Why the hell this always happens to me, hm? Why is it so hard just to be happy for once? I want to smile but here I am instead. I don't know. I need to occupie my minds with something tomorrow. And then on Mum's birthday. Though  I will probably be sad on my birthday as well. You know why? Because me and Mum would always celebrate it together and look at me, being in other country for it. I hate this. all of this.
And I have to go, ttyl.