Weirdo

I'm starting to feel weird... again.

Hi guys :)

Yes, I did started with a strange sentence. I actually am feeling really weird. Not that there would be something wrong with my health, no. I'm actually really really healthy (let's pretend I didn't ate pizza few mins ago). It's in my mind that I feel really strange. I don't know why, but there is something different about me. I don't even know what that is, it's just..... strange. and weird. I haven't done anything major, did I? I mean, not that I remember. I think I've started feeling like that after my crush confession. Could it be that I just needed to talk about it to make it go away? Because it does feel really really strange. I didn't think of anyone in particular today (well, up to the point where I needed to go to town and I was searching for someone to go with me). To be honest, I realised something today. I realised that being an adult is not as bad as I thought it would be. Yes, I do have a lot of problems I have to deal on my own, but as I was walking alone today, there was a snap in my mind. I realised that I am living on my own for 4 months now. That I am responsible for myself. And that I did managed to do it so far.I'm not that useless as I thought that I am. It feels great, let me tell you this. Though I have no idea why the fuck I started crying at this very moment. Well, not cry. There are tears in my eyes but they are still not coming out. I do smile, but right now, I feel like shit. Even if I'm glad I made it so far by myself. Oh, another thing. I can't remember the last time I had girly company. Like, seriously, I hang out with guys so much, I'm gonna forget that I'm a girl. Though I do have curves and they do make silly jokes about sleeping with me. Yeah, well, not that I wouldn't do that if I would be friends with myself. Ok, I'm really strange. It's the second day I admit to myself that I am beautiful and pretty. Raaaawrgh! What's wrong with me? It's not that I've done anything to myself. Why am I so confused? And I'm not blaming my period for this, even though it's probably it's fault. I hate when I can't control my emotions. Does anyone know how to deal with it? Do I need to see a doctor for prescription or smth? I really want to be normal. Though normal is boring, I'm really tired of being the weirdest person in the world. It fucks me up everytime.
I don't know why I'm writing this. What's the point either way? I kindly believe there are like two people who reads my blog and one of them is me. Though I don't like to read my own entries as I start to think what a dumb person I am. Like, seriously, I am boring as fuck, who would like to be friends with me or would be interested in my life? Why am I telling you this? It sounds like I'm searching for someone to pity me. I hate when people pity me. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. And all I do is whine when people are around me. I hate that as well. Why can't I be a normal person? How can all of my friends be so cool while I'm such an idiot. No wonder no one wants to go out in a middle of the day with me. I mean, yeah, everyone has their plans, but you know what? I would totally cancel anything I was planning to be with them. I need my friends even if we aren't talking. I need someone besides me. I cannot be alone anymore. I spent all week in my bed, doing nothing and I was feeling really really lonely. Oh, yeah, I did went to the club on Friday, but I went back home around half one because my friends were gone. Like, they left me alone. Can I really call them friends, though? I mean, I do love them so fucking much, but how can I be sure they love me just the same?
You know what? I'm waiting for my birthday. There is always something special about it. Even though it's gonna be like the first time I don't plan on celebrating it. I'll probably just cry for a few days and be at home. I remember my last two birthdays. I always ended up crying the fuck out of myself. Because it hits me so hard that my Mum is not there with me to celebrate it. We've always celebrated it together since it's just 2 days apart. And it's gonna be the third birthday without Her. I can't believe how fast the time flies by. I still can remember how She wished me happy birthday and how we were making silly faces in front of the camera. I still have those pictures even though I can't really look at them. I miss Her so much.

ffs, I can't see what I'm typing anymore, see you later x

thanks, 'itscaseycatt' for sharing the gif ;)