Paranoia

I cant stop thinking about my last post. I probably sounded like a depressed, attention-seeking idiot.

To be fair, it was pretty bad. But it got better now. A little bit, but better :) I hope it's not because I've been drinking for the past three nights in a row. Not a good thing, by the way, because instead of having hangover I just get like super sleepy. So I sleep all day. Maybe it's fine since I have work in the evening, but still.
We went clubbing yesterday, because it was one of my friends birthday. Was quite a nice evening, you know. I miss going out, I wish it didnt cost so much. But anyway, we were at the pub for pre drinks and we obviously were playing drinking games to pass the time. I know they didn't know about my insecurities, but while playing one of them hit my biggest insecurity ever. We were playing Paranoia - for those who don't know the game, it's when people are sitting around the table, one whispers a question to another one like 'who do you think in this group is the best looking?' and the person who got the question has to answer with the name. Then he tosses a coin and if it's head, he has to say the question out loud - if it's tails, he just proceeds with the question to another person. So anyway, They said I was the most boring in the group. And dont get me wrong, I know it, my social skills are super poor, but it's one of those things that I can't even fake because I have no idea how. I wish I was someone who can talk about stuff for hours and just keep the conversation going, but I'm not, ok? But I'm always there if someone needs a shoulder to cry on, if anyone needs to just chill or chat about stuff they want to talk about. I'm always there. It's just with me, I have no idea what to say back. I became really quiet because some time back I was told I sound stupid when I open my mouth :) so I've started to be afraid to make a fool out of myself and so I don't really talk much anymore. Plus, whenever I'm excited to say something in English, I get a lisp and it just ruins everything and it doesnt sound as good as it sounded in my head. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, ok?
I wish there was something I could do about it, ok? But there isn't. Or at least I dont know about it. You know the saying 'beautiful outside, but rotten inside'? I feel like that's how people would describe me, but honestly, I'm not rotten. I just... I don't know how to express myself, ok?

Anyway, you know me. I'm just gonna say I'm really boring for a week or so and then I'll forget about it. And I still love my people, ok? Like, even if I'm considered boring, I'm still getting an offer to hang out with them. And I appreciate it very very much.

And now I gotta go and get ready for work, love you lots xx

gif from 'eating-unicorn-shit' :)

Whatever it is, I don't like it

You know what sucks? Me.

Honestly, it's been ten days and I still feel like shit. Like, honestly, I haven't been happy for the past ten days. I keep thinking how boring my life is, I don't want to get out of bed, I only eat because I got used to eating, I just generally feel terrible. And I'm not sure whether it's pms or something else. Maybe my depression is coming back. Maybe it's just weather. Either way, I'm not feeling ok.

My friend asked me what's wrong and I really wish I knew. If I knew what was wrong with me, I would be able to deal with it. But I don't and it bothers me even more. To be fair, I'm not even sure why I've opened my blog. I have nothing to say. Although, whenever I start babbling shit on here I actually start to realize something and it helps in some way.
So what might be wrong with me?
Weather? It's freaking spring, it's raining all the damn time, fuckboys keep annoying me as much as those couples that make out in a public place. It's like they're trying to rub it in my face. Ew, that's so disgusting, honestly. I mean, yay for you, you found someone who loves you. And then there is me who just apparently cant be loved. You know what, I'm so sick of it. I've noticed recently that I've started trusting people more and I was so happy about it. And yesterday I've caught myself thinking that maybe no one actually likes me and they just all pity me. That's always a fun thought when you're depressed, you know. I know everyone has their own stuff to deal with, but is it so bad that I want just to be with someone from time to time? Like, I needed company yesterday. I wanted to talk about everything that was bothering me (which would be stupid things, obviously), but no one actually wanted to meet up. I offered going to the pub or smth, I actually wanted to be around people, but no one was there to say 'yeeeeeeah, lets do it!!' - everyone were like 'meeh, naah, lazy' or smth. And it got me so down, I actually was drinking on my own yesterday. Obvs later my housemate joined me, but the point here is that I was so down, I drank by myself which is never a good thing.
What else...? I've started sleeping so much. I sleep till about midday, then around four I want to go to bed again and I would wake up around seven, be awake for a few hours and sleep again. Not sure whether it's due to lack of vitamins (although I do drink vitamins every morning) or due the fact I just dont want to deal with anything these days.

I had 3 dates planned last week. How many happened? 0 :) I knew one wouldnt happen, because it was with one of the ultimate fuckboys I know, but others... I actually looked forward to them. And then last minute one canceled, didn't even give me a valid reason and another one just wasn't planned till the end. You know me, I get really attached to one person and I don't really care about others. My friend called me stupid because of it, but what can I do? I really try not to catch any feelings since I've been hurt before. I'm not even sure what's happening with this relationship between me and this guy I'm talking to. I guess I've found out something I didn't want to find out and I have no idea how to confront him about it. I'm supposed to be that 'careless little girl' you know? so I shouldnt care about anything. But deep down, I actually do. Especially when dick like him is someone I once really cared about.

Talking about people you care about. I haven't properly talked with my family in ages. Like, they dont try to contact me, I don't try to contact them and it's just really quiet unless one of us needs something. Like, I have declared myself leaving Lithuania, but apparently, as a student, I was not supposed to do this. So we're trying to figure out what should I do, because I wanna visit doctors while I'm back, but I don't want to pay hundreds of euros for my check ups. I'm like super tight with money rn.
You guys know I have a cyst in my ovaries, right? I'm not sure whether I told this or not. Anyway, I was told it's nothing serious, but usually, to treat it, doctors prescribe some contraceptives and I got nothing. That's what was really bothering my aunties and that's why I want to go to my Lithuanian doctors. Sorry, but I do trust them more.

Anyway. I sort of feel like crying, but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't. I have twenty one pilots on and they don't really help. I mean, I love their songs, they're amazing, but they're sinking me deeper into my depression. The problem is, I just can't turn it off, because that's the mood I'm in. I wanna listen to them. It's so confusing, I'm sorry.

I don't want to be on my own, guys. I really don't. But do I have a choice? My best friend is miles away, my family is miles away and everyone I have here just... doesn't care about me the way I need to be cared for. I know, I know I'm a fucking adult, ok? I should be able to take care of myself. I can do that with bills and money and shit like that, ok? But when it comes to my feelings, I cant deal with it myself. I just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be ok, because I repeat that to myself so many times I dont think I believe myself anymore. I need help, but I dont want anything professional. I just need someone who could listen to me without any judgment. just like my Mum used to do.

Ok, tears are here, talk to you later loves xx

gif from 'haidaspicciare.'

A taste of what's in my head right now

You know what I miss?

I miss my old sweet innocent me. She was so cute and everyone loved her. She had so many friends and there wouldn't be a day she wouldnt spend with someone. She knew how to joke around, she loved to have fun and just... she just knew how to enjoy life.
And then there is me now. Someone who would much rather stay in bed, moaning about her problems to the only person who is still listening. I don't know how to enjoy my life anymore. I dont know what it's like to go outside while its raining and enjoy it. I dont know what its like to have my friends messaging me everyday just to make sure I'm ok. I miss my old life. I miss my old friends.

Actually, I just got nostalgic. My pms is acting up, I hate this so much. We we're watching the last Riverdale episode with my housemate and it was a brief topic about fostering and I realised how I could have ended up in the orphanage if not my Aunt. And it struck me that I am, actually, an orphan. I know it, obviously, don't think I don't, but I never really thought about it, you know? I have my family who loves me so very much. And still. I recently caught myself realising I don't talk to my Mum as much as I used to. God, I don't even tell Her about my day and I used to. Like, I would lay in my bed and I would talk out loud imagining that She is listening. And I haven't done that for so long. And I tried to do it, you know? But I just didn't know where to start, or what to say. I've changed so much. I hate this me. I hate this person who doesn't think about the Person she loves the most every day. I hate this, ok? I know it might only be my pms talking, but still. How in the hell I can forget to talk to my Mum??

I have my make up on, I can't cry right now, but honestly, I feel like I need to. I want to. I still have an hour before work and I could probably fix it in that time, but I hate crying. I mean, I do cry sometimes, because everything is too much, but whats now? Literally nothing is happening in my life that would excite me. Even boys. Gosh, stupid boys. Why am I so desperate to have someone by my side when all they want is to sleep with me? I don't like this. I like the old way. I want to date, to get to know you before sleeping with you. I know its not how relationships work these days, but I don't care. If so, I'm just going to be alone. You know, my friend laughed the other day how easy it is for me to find a boy. Like, a new one every day. The problem is, I know I've mentioned it before in one of my blog posts, all I can think of is them wanting to score and then just leave. For example, my date on sunday. I was eating a freaking dessert, ok? I said 'oh, you should have some dessert as well' and you know what I got for a reply? He said 'oh... you mean real dessert. I thought you were talking about something else.' Like, chill, man. I know you for what, half an hour? And you're talking about fucking already? Honestly. Do I really look that easy for everyone? A fucking piece of meat to bang? That's why I have issues.
Oh and another thing. I was talking with this lost friend of mine, the one I've started talking again. You know, we do sext sometime, it's so funny to do it with someone I kinda trust and know it's just for bants. But I told him I've never had sex and at that point we kinda talked what he's gonna do to me when I'm back in Lithuania for those couple of weeks, so he asked me why am I telling him I'd fuck him. I simply replied with 'oh, you know, I know you for a long time anyway, its not that you're some random dude anyway' - but that got me thinking. Really, who the fuck he is to me? Someone I cherish as part of my childhood? Yeah, that. But he's a freaking memory I don't want to lose and that's about it. It actually got me thinking whether I should lose my V before going to Lithuania, but that's like three weeks from now. I can't see any guys reaching that base with me in that short period of time.
I mean... I don't know. It is just so complicated in my tiny little stupid head. On the one hand, losing it would be some sort of relief, I guess - I wouldnt need to worry about it anymore and maybe I'd get a bit more relaxed with dating. On the other hand, I dont want it to be random dude who doesnt know how to treat me right. I know it's not movies and it will be terrible, but that's exactly my point - its going to be terrible. I want someone who will get that.

But what am I talking about. Rubbish. I hate the whole world today (well, maybe, except, my Best Friend who has to put up with me *sorry Boo*). Everyone is so annoying and I've got a few messages from the guys and I just ignored them. I can't, I don't want to talk to any of them, ok? Give me a freaking break this week. I need chocolate, food and good show on Netflix. That's the dream. But instead, I'm here, getting ready for work and I'm gonna have to smile to drunk idiots all night. Ugh, I wish I could call in sick. I mean, I could...? but I desperately need money. I spent a little too much in Paris and now it really gets to me. I need to have enough money for my rent in July because no way in fucking hell I'm borrowing some money from my Aunt again.

Ah, I've been sunbathing a few days ago. I miss the sun so much, you guys have no idea. And then my Aunt gave me a lecture about how dangerous it is to sunbathe in Spring. Whoops, I guess. But I love how my skin got a bit darker, my legs look much nicer now. I love it.But now it's bad weather again, so all I need is to curl up in my bed and watch netflix under like seven layers of blankets.

I'm writing so much, aren't I? I'm bored. Honestly, I have nothing cool to watch on Netflix (any suggestions - comment below, I'll appreciate it so much), I need food, but I'm trying to cut out many sweets and it honestly kills me on this pms. I wanted to go to the gym but stayed in my bed instead. Like, I got ready, I got ready to leave and then I just fell down into my blankets and put on The big bang theory on. This is very bad, I know, but I will not make myself do things that I dont feel like doing, sorry. I wish I could. Anyway. Even if I am bored, I dont want to socialise. Like, no, I dont want to reply to your messages, I dont want to talk to anyone except my Bestie. But even if I want her to talk to me, I don't really want to reply. I dont even know how to explain it. I feel like I'm being super boring in our conversations, but I just cant, ok? Even existing at this point is hard. Gosh, on Sunday I'm so not leaving my bed. I'm so exhausted. I'd take a chill pill, but with 6 hours shift ahead of me, I don't need anything slowing my sleeping brain even more. I'm in a fucking emotional rollercoaster and I really hate this. Anyone know any pills to kill pms?

Ok, I'm going to stop now or I'll end up either crying or breaking something.

Still love you guys x

gif from 'agent-69' ;3

Price of being pretty, I guess

two posts in one day? I must be getting crazy.

I'm not even sure why I've opened this again. Guess I saw like nine people who read my last post and I was surprised someone still refresh my blog from time to time. 
Ah, I know.
I haven't told you guys about a threat I received. I mean I'm sure you guys knew it from my facebook update and snapchat, but let me give you a little bit of a backstory, ok?
 Months ago this weird old dude, who is my bosses friend, tried asking me out. Like, got my fb and everything, started messaging me, anyway, really awkward. So I unfriended him. But like everytime he's in our club, he waits for me to be free to ask for a drink. Even when other bartenders goes to him asking if he needs anything, he points to me saying get her or smth. Awkward? Creepy? A little bit. I mean, I'm used to unwanted attention (I'm sorry that this sounds really bitchy and narcissistic) so I didn't mind. Anyway, my boss usually gives out free drinks to his friends, but we were told to only give it for free whenever they tell us to do so. So whenever I give someone a drink, I look at my boss to get his approval and if he's not here, I ask them to pay. Seems fair, right? I mean, you come to the club to dance and drink, so prepare to pay, right? I even asked specifically about this old dude and I got an answer 'everyone pays'. So last... Saturday, was it? I went to work upstairs, he waved at me and asked for JD&coke. My boss was nowhere to be seen around, so I made him a drink and asked for money. You know what happened? He started shouting at me why am I charging him, he said he always gets free drinks from my boss and stuff like that. Honestly, I do not appreciate being shouted at for doing my job. I messaged my boss, he told me to ignore him. I wouldn't have had an issue with it, I mean, he was drunk, but nah, that's not the end of it. We finished work, I was being driven home by one of the bouncers (Ah, bless him, always giving me a lift) when my facebook messanger popped up. It was the creepy old dude saying I should be careful :) I asked him if he's threatening me and he said fuck off. Later on, he started telling me how much he respects me and how I don't respect him and being rude towards him, so I replied to it saying it's my job to charge people for drinks and I'd never pay for someone else's drink out of my pocket. Have in mind, I already have sent screenshot of the threat to my boss saying this is not funny at all. I mean, I have heard about this guy that he is quite dangerous and it's not just funny dangerous. Like, he does stuff for money. So yeah. After like an hour or so I got a message in, probably Polish, from his account. I copied it and pasted into google translate making it to detect the language automatically and basically, the message said that it was from his brother's wife or smth and that he really likes me and would like to take me out in London or smth like that. Obviously, I did not reply and I did not hear anything since.

This kinda made me remember that stalking problem I had with this lithuanian guy. God, I was so scared. Like, literally, I had a panic attack at work, which does not happen to me. Not in a public place. I'm good at hiding my fear, you know? And with this creeper, it's just.. I don't know. I wouldn't say I'm scared, but I am definitely alerted.

But hey! That's what I get for being a pretty girl, right? Yes, I am pretty. With all my insecurities secured inside me, with all my imperfections, I consider myself pretty. I love myself. It took me long enough to do it and if someone doesn't like how confident I became about myself, then.... sorry not sorry, I guess. I won't love myself less for someone who doesn't know how hard I worked for it. Anyway. What I wanted to say in this paragraph is this - it's not fair picking on me because I'm pretty. It's not fair picking on anyone, ok? I hate this so much. That's probably why I really want to start boxing classes so I could kick those assholes butts if they tried to do anything.

Ok, that's it. I have ranted enough for today, time to bet some me time and drink some tea and maybe nap. Yes, I wanted to go to the gym today, but I'm just so lazy to move much.

Hope you're having a great day x

gif from 'monkeybottoms' ;*

Spring & boys & dates

Hello hello beautiful and handsome people ;3

I just glimpsed at the title of my last post and a quick update - I joined the gym alone, I'm loving it so far and I'm really proud of myself. Ate pizza yesterday, but baby steps, you know?

I came to my blog today to talk about Spring and boys. I don't know if they say this in UK, but in Lithuania, we say that when the Spring comes, boys get super horny (cant remember the original saying, but the concept is the same). And booooooyyy it's true. In the past three days I got three different guys asking me out. Like, seriously, I went on this date on Sunday, cute guy, a bit older than me which was fine because he looked really young, we had breakfast, went to a park, made out a little bit and then he walked me home. The funny thing was, he caught my attention by calling me cute instead of hot or beautiful while I was working. That's why I gave him my number in the first place. and you know what? After that date he never called or messaged me. I even sent a text thinking maybe he thinks I care about that age difference, but he didn't even reply. So ok, that's being crossed out of my list of potential lover.
Now another one has started messaging me weeks ago, but he's from my course and he was just hella friendly like friend type friend. So I was pretty excited to actually like go out for drinks with people and stuff when he started giving hints that's its just two of us and stuff. And this week I can FEEL him flirting. Oh, lets chill, lets go to the movies and shit. Like, no, you're my friend material, dont fuck it up. I even said it to him, like, you do realise we're friends, right? But show me a guy who would reply to that 'nah, I wanna fuck you'. They all say 'yeah yeah that's fine' probably thinking - bitch I'm gonna make you want me or smth. See, with me, it doesnt work that way. I can want a guy and still say no or stop him whenever I want (looking at my friend who cant tho). Maybe I do feel a bit guilty for getting their expectations too high, but hey, I don't mind telling them beforehand that I do not sleep around. And I feel that it is really important for girls to know that it is fine to say NO to a guy, because I know there are issues with that.
Like with this other guy that asked me out. I have met him, he's also on my course, I did hear he was a major fuckboy, and still somehow I ended up saying yes for a chilling session at his. Ok, so what I did after I said yes to it, I messaged him saying that I'm hoping he's cool with not sleeping with me because that will defo not gonna happen. He said cool, whatever is comfortable with you (again, show me a guy who'd say 'nah, we gonna fuck anyway') and from here, I won't need to feel bad if I walk there, we chill, make our or smth and then I go home leaving him... what's the expression? blue balls? damn sounds funny. Anyway, I did warn him, he still asked me over, so why not, right? It's spring for boys, it's spring for girls and honestly, being a virgin 20 year old is getting kind of annoying.
Ah, wait, I forgot another guy I'm talking to. The one with a girlfriend 'on a break'. Apparently, they got back together after a few days of that break and they're still in that complicated and, in my opinion, toxic relationship. And no, I'm not saying that because I want them to break up so I could have him or smth. Gosh, read above, I have plenty of thirsty boys around me, no. He's a dear friend of mine and I wish him the best. Obvs, he deserves those years with her for hurting me ages ago, but I forgave, its cool now. Anyway, yeah, I have decided to keep this relationship platonic. I really like him as my friend, you know?
What else? Let's see... In less than a month I'm going to be back in Lithuania, going to have the best summer in my life and it is going to be amazing. Although it was snowing today back there so I might not even get a chance to go to the beach and just enjoy my warm, missed sun of Lithuania's. Until then, I need to work work work work work and not spend anything I have for now. My first payment for rent is like 960 quid, therefore, I am, as always, in a shortage of money. Just somehow I'm not nervous about it. I should be, right?
Anyway. all I wanted to say is GIRLS, it's fine to say NO if you dont want something to happen. I'm a pretty chill person when it comes to making out, you know, but anything further for me is a big no no if I dont know that person well enough. I'm pretty sure it's just a rule for my first time, but still, babes, anything you don't want to happen, make sure it does not.

Love you all x

gif from 'lovershub' blog ;)

Get fit, they say

Hey guys!

So I wasn't talking much here, I know. I didn't feel the need to. I've been to Paris, it was awesome, I met some cool people there, I was on the top of the Eiffel Tower and I rode metro. Even got my first fine there, haha. But that was like the whole month ago, so that's old news. Plus, if we're friends on Facebook, you probably saw pics anyway.
My friend came over from Lithuania to visit me last week. It was even cooler and awesome-ier! Like, she's such a sweetheart (excluding all the cursing she did :| ) and honestly, I had the best time with her. Can't wait to get back to Lithuania to meet up with her again <3

Anyway. About that trip to Lithuania. I've started talking with my long lost friend/ex-crush again. It just happened, ok? And I'm not sure where our conversations are going, but that's not the point. My Autie called me today asking when am I coming back because she wants to see if she's free to pick me up from the airport. But then again, he kinda said he'd do it for me, because he wants to meet up and be just like two of us or smth. I mean, he might have been joking, for all I know, but if my Auntie won't be available, then... well, he's going to have to. But that's like a month ahead, I need to keep talking to him if I wanna ride, you know?

Right, ok, that's enough. I don't wanna talk about boys, all of them are so annoying. I wanna start eating healthy again. I felt so great by doing so, I mean, full of energy and stuff. The problem I have, I love coffee and I will never say no to it. My auntie got me like healthy recipe book to help me go through it. But I have so much unhealthy food at home at the moment, I can't stop chewing on it. Plus, it's my assignments session this week, so all I do is eat, obviously. And fast food is soooo easy to get. I hate being in the kitchen. Plus it's like super cheap and I want to save my money on my trip to Lithuania. But I will try, I promise. Me and one of my friends decided to join the gym from this weekend and since it's a monthly payment, I'll be damn sure to go there as much as possible. I even bought a yoga mat, an expensive yoga mat, and it's still in it's package because I just couldn't be bothered. I need much motivation to get better at this. I saw this perfect hack on Facebook for smoothies (a.k.a. my JuicePlus shakes) but I need mason jars for that and I have no idea where to get ones that would fit my blender. It's like this cool hack where you store your fruits and stuff in the mason jar, leave it in the fridge up to 2 weeks and blend it whenever you want to. It looked super easy and I wish I could do this. Anyone wants to donate their mason jars?

Ok, I'm finishing my coffee, so I guess I have to finish this post as well. It was quite lovely to write here again, especially when no one is forcing me to write anything (*Angry stare to my assignments*). I might make a comeback, now that I will have tons of free time. I might even record my fitness journey on here!

Have fun with your day xx

#NeverDoingThis because I just cant do crunches, ok? It's my back, back off :(
gif is from 'eathealthygetsfit' check it out ;3