This is getting out of control

Ok, so this is not even funny anymore.

There was this strange guy who has started to message me a few weeks (maybe a month and a bit) ago. You know me, I try to be friendly and everything, but he wasn't 'wuu2?' message type. He was like 'lets meet up'. And I don't do meeting up with strangers, not until I get to know them. So I've told him I'm busy all the time, but last week he became so annoying I've decided to break my rule and let him walk me to my work place. I though, public places, what can go wrong, right?
So he asked for my number and being a total idiot, I gave it to him. We ended up not meeting up, because I wasn't going to stand around in our meting place, getting cold and be late for work. So when I left, a few minutes after, he called me, like 'where are you' and stuff. And he still was keen to meet up. He even said he'd come over to my work cuz he wants to talk and see if I'm 'beautiful'. That was the bit where I honestly became a bit scared. I hung up saying I gotta go and then I've blocked him on my fb, but you know, he has my number, can't do anything about it.
He texted me asking me to unblock him and I ignored it. Then he called me today, but I didn't pick up. Now, like, twenty minutes ago I got a message request from unknown guy. I've checked his profile, he had seven friends, no profile picture and no previous posting history. And he was like 'so I saw you working at xy and I really like you, do you work tonight?' and so on. He said he wants to go to town and whether I'd like to meet up with him. Obviously I said no. I said I'm not looking for any new relationships. He, then, started asking which uni I go to. Now after that I've just said 'good evening to you :) ' and that's it.

Honestly, if that's not the same guy, then I have a lot of creepy dudes around me. I had a stalker at the beginning of the summer, now this. I feel so insecure, honestly. I can't even think about going home after work now (but that's probably I got used to be given a lift). It became dark yesterday while I was in town and honestly, I wanted to call taxi. I know, I know it sounds stupid, but this really scares me. I wish my boys were around.

On a better note, I'm sending my presents to my family today. I'm waiting for driver to come over to pick my delivery. I wrapped it up with so many layers, it's funny. My auntie gave me a lecture about this, like 'you know how easy it is to steal something from unwrapped bag?' so I honestly used everything I could Bubble wrap, cling film, duck tape. It looks stupid, but oh well, if she feels it's necessary, I'll do it.

So, yeah. That's about it  I wanna talk about.
Oh, no! My Christmas plans were sorted. Not gonna go to my family, my friend is going to come over and spend the weekend! I'm so glad I won't be alone ^-^ now I just need to figure out what he wants for his Christmas present.

Ttyl my babies xx

gif from 'gurl' :)

Such a strange word it is, huh

When your crushes and your besties snaps are literally two first things on your snap, you wanna be really careful where you press.

And thank God I was. For the past three hours I've double checked every snap I sent so my crush wouldn't get my ugly snap. Not that he hasn't seen me at my worst anyway. At least those times were unintentional, you know.

Anyway, I just really wanted to say it somewhere, but I doubt fb post would be appropriate (although I've been posting a lot there :| ) You know, the word 'crush' sounds really stupid to me. I feel like I'm the only one who still uses it. Like, who has a crush nowadays anyway? They meet up, they say 'i like you' and then they become fuckbuddies or 'in a relationship'. You don't crush over someone anymore. You see they're not interested and you move on. Am I really that old-fashioned? How the hell can I be old fashioned, I'm not even twenty yet! Anyway. I crush. Alot. I crush on my friends, I crush on passengers, I crush on so many people. And then one of those crushes becomes like ultimate crush and I really hate that. How can you crush onto someone who, you defo know, is not interested?
Ok, you know what, that's not what I wanted to talk at all. I wanted to tell you guys that on Thursday I FINALLY met up with my boys. I defo forgot how lovely it is to hang out with them. Now, you probably wander what's so awesome about them. Well, generally, because it's them. But overall, there is nothing special about them. I just feel so relaxed around them. I feel like I'm actually around friends and if you know me, it's a huge deal for me. I got them their Christmas presents and they got me some Christmas presents as well! (I'm so positive they had no idea what I like, it's so funny). So one gave me a wonderful scarf which I dont want to wear outside because I don't wanna ruin it :( the second gift I got was two boxes of sweets (I mean, what else would I want) and the third one was scented candle shaped as stag. (and my boy forgot to take the price away, which is hilarious). And on top of all of this, they were kind enough to offer me some of their stuff they had. Oh no, I said it. Shhh, don't call the cops.
Yes, I know, it is very unhealthy, but yolo, amirite? no, just kidding, I just wanted to try it out. again. Anyway, that's off the topic. We were watching something on tv, literally barely talking (oh, we played cards before all of it, so that's our talk). We ate so many sweets, it's kind of sad. I eat alot these days. It's probably to hide the fact that I'm spending holidays alone again. Meh. whatevs.
But anyway, this seems like nothing, but it actually meant so much to me. (I just got a feeling that if I'd tell them this, I might look like someone who tries to keep them close by making them feel guilty. God I am an overthinker). I mean, I don't know how to explain it. It's just... it's really nice.
My co-workers yesterday were discussing that I need a boyfriend. And my answer was 'why would I need one if I have four?' and they tried to disagree by saying that's not what they meant. Well, I mean, I talk about my sexuality quite freely, but c'mon, there is no need to tell me I need to get proper laid. Not in an angry tone, don't worry, I understand this was for banter or smth.

I packed presents for my family as well. So much stuff to put in. Ok, not much, but most of it is pretty fragile, so we need to be extra careful by handling it. Gosh, why did I decide to buy fragile stuff, hm? Now all I need is to find someone to actually deliver it to my family. It's so lame I can't be with them.

Aaaand we're not talking/thinking about this. Stop it, Judita.

OH, GUYS I HAD ANOTHER DREAM OF MY MUM!! and it was good. and lovely. We were hanging out like old times and it was so awesome! I wish I had that kind of dreams all the time. Maybe it's my new dream catcher that does it's job properly <3 not saying old one didn't, it's just... maybe I don't know. Maybe it can't tell a difference between good or bad dream when it involves someone I dearly miss.

See you later guys, anyway xx

gif from 'sadnecessar-y' ;)

Dreams are weird

For two nights this week I've been dreaming that I was pregnant.
And this night in the dream I was pregnant, but then I got miscarriage. Now, as a person who sometimes believes in dreams, I obviously had to google a meaning of these stupid dreams.
Apparently, being pregnant in a dream means that I'll be shamed or attacked by my close people (like family or friends talking behind my back). And then miscarriage means I'll get rid of someone or something.
It got into my head, to be fair. I obviously am going to meet up with guys today and I was thinking about today alot, but honestly, I haven't seen them for so long I forgot what it's like to be with them. And maybe my sub-conscious is trying to alert me? Or am I overthinking this too much? Or am I going to do something that I'm going to regret for a long time? I'm so confused.

Apart from that, I'm in a really good mood. I dance and sing basically all day today. I even put make up on, because I felt like it. I feel hot today and I have no idea why. Maybe because some guy tried to pick me up at work yesterday. Hilarious. I know, I'll never find a soulmate if I keep making fun of people who tries to chat me up, but honestly, it's so funny. But let's not talk about them, or I might insult someone.
By the way, remember this guy I tried going to Republic with?(gosh I hope I talked about this on my blog)

just got a text from boys to move our meeting from 7 to 9. I feel trouble right here.

anyway. this guy. Right. I've felt so bad about this situation for the past weeks and I messaged him with an apology that I was so mean and everything and I got a reply hours after, where he was like 'yeah, I'm partying right now, so not a good time to talk' and after that, nothing. I don't mean this in a rude way, but that was a few days ago. I'm not waiting for any reply, to be fair. I just wanted to clear my head from it and get over it. I like to finish my year with everything bad out of the way. It's just a bit annoying that he didn't say 'cool, no worries, talk to you later'. But who cares, right?

And now, I'm gonna tell you why I'm the worst niece ever. I have two aunties and two uncles back in Lithuania. I talk with both of my aunties and one of my uncle, because the other one is kind of... you know. That one in the family who usually drinks (although I heard he tries not to). But yeah, I don't talk to him much. And I was sorting out my Christmas presents to send and I've realised I haven't thought about him at all. I got presents to my aunties, still figuring out what to get to one of my uncles, got present for my grandparents (oh, it's hilarious), but haven't thought of getting him anything. And I'm feeling so guilty right now. I mean, I could say 'share the present with grandparents' because it's a present everyone can use, but like, I got every other sibling of my Mum's a present. Seems a bit unfair. Any suggestions what to get to my uncles? One is 42 and the other one is 30. Help, please?

I should clean my room, probably. Talk to you later, sweetie pies xx

gif from 'ladypresley ';)

Wednesday, huh

I got a mug and a colouring book as my Christmas present!
And they're Game of Thrones themed. I'm so happy, that's like my favourite mug now. I also got a lot of cute little earrings, can't decide which ones I want to go with first.
I've started packing presents for my family as well. It's little presents, you know, nothing fancy, because I really dont have even a clue of what to give them. Like, I called my brother the other day and he was like "I want you to come back for Christmas" and I swear to God I teared up. He's 8 and he didn't ask me for anything materialistic, he asked me to come home. How much that little angel misses me?

But anyway, I'm supposed to go to the guys tomorrow. Now, usually I would be excited and cheerful to see those bastards, but as in now, I think about it and all I can feel is that it was also me who asked if I can come over. They obviously don't really care if I come over or not. Maybe I should just keep their presents to myself. Or maybe they're busy (PFFF LMAO). Last time I've texted them, I heard they were high as fuck. I guess I can't remember the last time they weren't high, so.... yeah. Fun times.
I really miss them, but the more I think about it, the less I'm excited. Like, I'm starting to forget why I wanna hang out with them in the first place. I mean, yes, I don't have many friends to hang out with, but for the last I don't know how much time, I've been alright with a minimum conversation with random people. Like, few chats with housemates, few chats at uni, few chats with my co-workers and that's about it. Oh, I'm talking with one of my besties alot lately. Like, we chat almost all day, even though both of us should be studying. I honestly love that girl so much, she was my idol for probably last 7 years or so. Maybe more. I always saw her as the coolest kid in our little rpg group and whenever she'd pay attention to me I'd be so excited I wouldn't care about anything else. Honestly, I never went to bed before her just so I wouldn't miss any time with her (I mean, virtually, we were friends on the internet). She might laugh from this if she reads this and realises it's about her, but ei, not that I have anything to hide, amirite?

I should make myself more coffee. I'm so tired all the time, guys. I'm not even sure if I ever sleep properly. Like, for the past two days I would wake up freezing because we have problems with our boiler. It turns off every few hours and it is so annoying, because automatically our heating is off and hot water is off and ugh YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LIKE WARMTH. So yeah. Not a good sleep. I tried going for a nap today, before fucking my sleeping pattern again with my night shift, but I was woken up by inspection of our house and couldn't sleep anymore. I made myself seafood stick salads (I think I've salted them too much), but I bet it will be nice with the chicken that I plan to eat before work.

Anyway, I think I should go now. Gotta wash my hair and everything, it's going to be awesome at the club tonight!

See you later pumpkins xx

gif from 'therogueprofessor' ;)

Can't deny what's true, right?

You know I'm a narcissist, right?

I am, I'm not denying it. I love when people compliment my attractiveness, I love when I hear someone saying I'm hot, beautiful, gorgeous. I don't say 'ah, don't lie', because I know they're not lying. I always say 'thank you' for a compliment, because I like to be recognised. I'm proud of how I look like. My Parents were beautiful People, so no surprise I'm beautiful as well.
What's my point? I don't know. I just felt like reminding you guys how narcissistic I am. I got a lot of compliments yesterday and I was enjoying it.
I guess my problem with it is because I know I'm beautiful, I can't be relaxed around new boys I meet (I'd insert girls as well, but I haven't met any cute girls recently) because I always think that they're talking with me just because they wanna get laid. There, I said it. I always think that the only reason boys are talking to me is because they want to get laid.
And now you obviously thought about my boys. I never asked, but I'm pretty sure that when we met, others were pretty sure I'd get on with the lithuanian one. Idk, I might be wrong, but that's what I thought anyway. Although I can't say I haven't thought about my friends that way as well. I mean, we all wander sometimes who out of our friends we would fuck, right?

I've texted them yesterday. I told them I have my Thursday off and I'd really like to go over to theirs, because I've missed them so much. To be fair, since I haven't seen them in such a long time and none of them ever asked me what am I up to, I feel a little bit upset about it. It's because I'm not sure if they've missed me as much as I missed them. Like, I know this sounds desperate or whatever, but I've spent most of my first uni year with them. I get attached quickly. I mean, I know I'm not the best friend material to hang around, but still, it would be nice to be remembered from time to time.

Ok, no, I don't want to go into this anymore. Let's talk about me again. Even though this whole blog is about me (see, narcissist). It's Saturday and I have two jobs to attend to. I haven't been waitressing in a while, so it's going to be quite fun. Four hours there, then going to the club where I'm probably going to be on the door again. I'll forget how to be behind the bar if that goes on lol. No, I don't mind, I mean, I'm just sitting down and charging people for coming in. It's so easy. I mean, it's a bit cold sitting there, but I have warm clothes. And while we're at it, I don't know what to do tonight. Obvs at the restaurant I want to wear a skirt, because that's appropriate attire, but a skirt on the door is going to be a nightmare because it's going to be so cold. I really consider taking my trousers in my bag and just change at work. I'm not sure :((

I might finish here. I'm listening to Ariana Grande and somehow, I really like her songs. Makes me feel good about myself. Gosh I love myself today. I'll probably be shit at putting makeup on myself today :|

love you to the moon and back and to the moon again xx

gif from 'ridarevita' ;)

Brain's playin' a joke on me

You know the day before yesterday, when I said I'm feeling happy right now?
My brain probably laughed and decided to show me how mentally unstable I am.

When was the last time you had a nightmare? Not the strange dream where you are chased by the monsters, but the proper one, when you woke up and were afraid to get back to sleep?
I had it last time. I woke up and I couldn't breathe. I wanted to scream, shout, cry, it was so terrifying. I'm not sure I want to tell you what I've been dreaming about, but when I told one of my friends I had a nightmare, she laughed and then I told her what it was and she seemed a bit concerned.
So here it goes. In my dream, it was kind of a time after my Mums funeral. I've started getting text messages from Her, saying She doesn't know where She is. Then I found a video on my phone. It was a ward, few people were dressing Her up and preparing Her for the funeral. But She was alive. I could see in the video how Her hands and lips moved. Besides her, in the next bed was my Dad who was in a coma. And after I saw that video, I've started running around telling everyone that She is alive, that we buried Her alive and then I received another text from Her saying that it's hard for Her to breathe.
And then I woke up with the same feeling. I felt like I was being suffocated. I felt tears running down my cheeks and all I wanted to do is to call my aunties and ask what have we done. For a minute I genuinely thought that my dream could have been real. It makes me shiver just to think about it.
See, that's what I call a nightmare. And honestly, yesterday I've been so busy just so I wouldn't go back to bed. I cleaned entire bathroom, I washed all the dishes, I even went shopping and made myself salad. Me, making salad. Imagine that. And I felt so tired after that. I went back to my room, I put music on, I've started browsing facebook, but it didn't help much. I had to nap before work. I left all of my lights on, I left everything on sound and I cuddled up with my soft pillows. I wouldn't call it nap or sleep, I was basically just laying there with my eyes closed for an hour or so and then I got a text from a friend which made me literally jump out of bed how scared I got. But yeah, after I got back from work, I was so cold (I worked on the door yesterday) all I wanted was to cuddle up in my bed with all my pillows and blankets (obvs, preferably it would have been someone alive by my side. A girl can dream, ok). I was on my phone for a good hour before realising what time it was. I closed my eyes around half five and I've been mostly napping until two pm. I didn't have any dreams, thank God. At least not the ones I could remember. But the fear still lingers.

Anyway, other news, for the past, probably, two weeks I've been talking with only one member of my family and that's my auntie. Other one, where I was supposed to spend Christmas Eve with, haven't called me back YET. Another one, who used to call me almost every day, promised to call today, but I'm still waiting on that. I honestly feel so left out right now. I would say I expect that from my friends, but this is family. How can they forget me? (selfish note, yes). Guys are busy with their studies, girls are busy with their other friends, I'm busy with... idk, me, I suppose. I haven't done any course work for the past three days and I know I really should, but I just can't get around to do it.
Instead, I was updating my CV. I mean, not to be rude or anything, but the club is cutting back to Fridays and Saturdays only, which means ((MORE TIME FOR MYSELF)) I'll get paid less. I mean, what I got paid for my four nights there were fantastic money for me. I could afford anything I wanted. And if you cut that in half, you get barely enough for my rent. So, yeah. Not fun. I should probably get another job during Christmas break. There, maybe that's the reason I'm updating my CV. Or maybe I just want to remind myself how awesome I am.Because honestly, I never thought managing was for me. And now look at me, I'm responsible for keeping bar organised. I actually really like it. And I hope I'm trustworthy enough for other people to let me handle whatever I can. if I'm even making sense.

Anyway, gotta go today is my eat-all-I-can-find day, so gonna go and eat.

Love you my pumpkins :33

gif from 'bricesander' I don't know why I chose it, but I like it lol ;3

I'm happy

Hey guys

It's 4 am and I'm all ready for bed. actually, I'm writing this on my phone.
I've just finished work, got home, got ready for bed, but I couldnt stop thinking about this evening.
I told some guy I'm a lesbian and all evening he kept saying what a waste. like, yes, that was flattering, but that got me thinking, what if I have met my soulmate, but told him I'm not straight? I mean, I tell everyone that I'm a lesbian alot. what if one of those people told their friend (who'd be my soulmate) "dont bother with her?" like, why do I make my life so complicated?

Anyway, I really want to praise my work for today. we got hot drinks for out staff!!! how cool is that? (that's probably me, bcs I kept nagging how cold it was) . we got coffee and tea and even a kettle. I mean, show me another place where they have such cool bosses as we do? (Ok, one of them told me he read my blog, so just for the record, I really think our place is literally the best workplace in the world).
When I come to think of it, I've stayed there for 5 (almost 6) months now. And I'm still loving it. remember my other jobs? how much I grew to hate them after like the second month? I'm so glad this one was just right. I love being there, I love people I work with, it's just.... it's a place for me. I'm so glad I sent my CV to them.

I wanted to talk about something else as well.. I just cant remember what.
Oh. Everything got better. i guess. We're kind of on ok terms with my housemates, I'm kind of managing my assignments, my family doesnt call me anymore, my auntie, the one I was supposed to spend Christmas eve with, cant even pick her phone up when I call her. I got new mattress (need to test it with someone, if you know what I mean lol).

I'm happy. I'm in my bed, writing this, and I think to myself that I'm happy. I'm healthy, I have a job, I'm surrounded by people who at least can tolerate me, everything is good. this time last year I got my tattoo as well. i'm thinking about another one. I should fix this one first tho. anyway, last year I was upset because I couldnt get back home. I still cant, but you know what? at least I wont be stuck with the job I hate. i'm gonna be working during Christmas break, but I'm going to be enjoying it so much, I bet I wont even notice the holidays. although I probably wouldnt notice it anyway since I have so many assignments just after we get back to uni after this break.

But yeah, I should probably go to bed now. love you guys, I hope you're having great time xx

What's in my mind

My Mum raised me well, you know.

I had a nice chat yesterday. About me being a nice person and about me, not trusting people. That's my biggest flaw, I know. I've been thinking about it all day today. I had few people saying I should trust people more, but it's way easier to say than to do. How do you trust people? Did they prove to be trustworthy? I mean, they haven't done anything to be untrusted, but then again, that's my choice how to see people, right?
I've been thinking alot. I remembered how it was after I fought with my best friend. I didn't have many friends then. I actually can barely remember that time. I guess I still can't believe it's been 3 years already. But yeah, after her, I think I've started hanging out with my Mum's friend. She's way older than me, but she was so cool and free and it was just nice to have her around. We had so much fun. I was told she's not the best company for me, but you know, if she was my Mum's friend, she can't be that bad, right? Plus, she was older, so I got to hang out with her friends as well and I felt so mature. It was awesome. Until I've started talking with my aunties about it. They weren't too keen of me going out with her. Later on I've found out why, but that's none of my business to talk about it. I guess that was another thing that led me to be more careful around people.
Then I got myself a rule. Just to be careful enough, I've decided to stop drinking around people I don't know. Or don't trust. I remember when I met my boys I told them this and they laughed. I agree, it sounds funny. But I remember how happy they were when we finally started drinking together. It was me, silently saying that I trust them now.
Someone asked me yesterday if I trust them.I told them I do and they asked me why. They said they didn't do anything to earn my trust. Well, they did. I have known them for quite some time now and not a single time I was hurt by them. So I suppose you could say I was tamed (if that's the right word to use). I mean, by the time I've started trusting guys, they didn't do anything to prove I can trust them. But I just felt it. I felt that I can be comfortable around them.
It doesn't take much, you know. It's just the beginning that is awkward. I know I am a strong person, I would survive being hurt by someone, but my policy is 'why would I let that happen in the first place?'. I know what it's like to be hurt by someone you care about. I know how it's like to scream into pillows because it's just too much. Trust me, I've been there, I know it's not pleasant.

I'm sitting in my room with lights off right now and it's making me depressed. I could turn my lights on, I could put dance music on (I have arctic monkeys playing at the moment) and start doing something, but I'm not. Why? I actually can't answer that. Maybe I am a masochist. I probably am. But with this, with this I can control how much damage I can do to myself. With other people, I can't do that, because I can't predict what they would do. I'm a loner. I love being surrounded by people, but at the same time, it's pretty hard. I have no idea how to explain it. I try to make it better, I swear. I try to be as normal as I can be.

That leads me to the first sentence that I've written on this entry. My Mum raised me well. I'm kind, I'm nice, I'm hardworking, I'd do anything for people I care about. I wish you guys knew Her. She was so perfect. I haven't met more perfect person in my life and I probably never will. And since I grew up with Her in my life, I want to be like Her. I know I'll never be the same, but I'll try. And I really hope that She's looking to me from heaven and She's proud of me.

I'm sorry this was so deep. I've just had to take this out of my mind since I've been thinking about it for the whole time I was awake. I want you guys to understand me. It was kind of strange to learn that someone read my blog. I didn't expect that. I know it's public and I know anyone can read this, but sometimes I don't think people would care. I mean, we live in selfish world, aren't we? Everyone cares for themselves. So why would anyone care to read what's happening in my life?
You know, I was thinking about that as well. What if all of my friends are reading this and that's why they don't ask me how am I? Does this make me a bad friend, because I don't ask them? I mean, when I text first, I feel like I'm being annoying. I'm sorry I'm such a strange person.


I love you guys so much. I feel way better now :3 xx

gif from 'intoastrangeworld' ;)

Christmas time ;3

Hello Pumpkins ;3

I don't know how, but I got into that Christmas mood with everyone else. Well, maybe not as crazy as others, but I've started buying presents for my friends and honestly, I spent so much I'm becoming very poor. And I still have to pack a package for my family, because, obviously, Christmas time and I have no idea what to get them, because they deserve world and I can't afford that yet. I should probably go through poundworld sections and find some cute stuff to send over. They all understand I can't afford much, so they won't complain, but then again, my cousin and brother and sister are going to be expecting something so I cannot disappoint them, right? Tho they haven't told me anything specific that they would like.
Anyway, I decided to get my housemates presents, even tho I was thinking of not getting anything. I got presents to my boys as well, but then again, haven't seen them in ages. Ok, wait, not true. I saw one of them on Sunday when I was coming back from one of my course mates. Then I saw other two yesterday, while walking home from my workshop. But then again, with the first one I talked for maybe a minute or so, with other two I just waved and walked past. They seemed in a hurry, I wanted to get back to my warm bed because of how sick I am. And I couldn't quite figure out one of their replies today. I asked what he wanted for Christmas (because it's really hard to actually pick a present for him) and since he didn't reply I just had a wild guess and ordered something. And then he replied that he's not in Leicester for Christmas. And then added 'but have fun tho' and I'm not sure what he meant by that. I didn't ask him to spend Christmas with me, I asked what he wants for Christmas. Anyway, I got my boys some presents and I really hope they're going to enjoy it. Last year I was too poor for this and now I kind of have some money to spoil my friends. Now, my overthinking mood says that this is going to be awkward, but hey, I love being awkward. I'm the most awkward person ever.
Um... what else... I'm really not quite sure what to tell you. I had the weirdest dreams for the past few days. One was about me having sugar daddy whom I was planning to kill (it was hilarious, I woke up and remembered it and started laughing) and the other one was about some kind of dungeon with my friends where we were trying to escape some monsters and shit. Anyway, it was really weird.

But yeah, my week is pretty much boring since I'm sick and can't go out and do shit. Hope you're having better week than me xx

love you guys xx

gif from 'projectfab' ;)

I think I might have a knock on my door after this...again.

Do you have those days when you just want to stay in bed?
I mean, it might be because I'm pretty sick, but I have another theory.

It's not a secret, I suppose, that I'm a pretty stubborn kid. You know, I can be fine with most of the stuff until certain level, but when I feel like someone starts to boss me around when they have no right to do it, my bitch mood activates. And I don't mean in a good way. Like, for two days now, I've been in my room and whatever I used (chopping board, saucepans) I washed them after myself. For two days we have people over downstairs and all the takeaways and shit, you know how it goes. And now I get a message to clean up after that. Like, how often do you see me there? I'm either asleep, at uni, at work or in my room. Unless I'm in the mood to hang out with someone, then I go downstairs, but hey, I love my room.
Anyway, I actually feel really mad today. We were supposed to go to Costco today. All of us. It's a great place to shop if you want to save money and one of their friends have the membership, so, using the opportunity. Now, last times, they at least would wake me up and ask if I would want to go. Today? Nopity nope. Nothing. And then they come back and somehow I have to clean up after them. Not very nice, is it? But hey, I'm a nice person, I'm not saying it out loud. Obvs, I know they read my blog and probably curse me everytime I mention them, but honestly, I write about my life, if you don't want to be part of it, do it.
Oh, and my friends went out yesterday :)))))))) very fun for them, I assume. You know what triggered me? Whenever I wanted to go out, no one wanted to. And then when I'm working, everyone decides to go out. Lovely. I can't tell how much I'm not offended (yes, sarcasm).
At least I had great time at work. I honestly love people I work with so much. I probably would have gone mad by now if not my work. It's such a relieve from everything around me. Like, I leave my house nearly in tears how much I don't want to be here anymore, and I start my shift and I can't wipe smile from my face. So you can imagine how stressed I felt when I've realised we won't be open 4 days a week during holidays. Gotta get myself a job during those few weeks to work for those Christmas presents.
Oh, talking about them! I know girls already brought presents, but with our current relationship, I feel like it's a bad idea to do this. Like, I hate hurrying up and buying presents and now I actually know why. I don't know how the relationship can flow during this month, right? And I know it's nice to give gifts, but can I really afford being so nice? I mean, if not my blog, they'd probably wouldn't even know I don't feel good around them.

I was supposed to go to the guys today, but I'm not even sure I want now. I missed them like hell, but they haven't replied to my question when could I come by, so I just assume they're too busy for me. Not too worry, I understand. They study engineering, they're obviously really busy with assignments. Or that's just my excuse for them not being friendly. Well, as long as I have in my mind that they're my friends, I should be fine, right?

Yeah, I'm over thinking everything. Again. Sorry. I should go back to my tv-shows and food (ugh, so hungry :| )

talk to you later xx

gif is from 'fuck-off-motherfucker' ;)

Meh, too lazy for the title

Kids, don't do a mistake I did yesterday.

Well, at least I think that's what it was. I was so freaking tired by the end of my shift I went to sleep with my make up still on. I thought that was because it was fairly busy, but hey, I got used to it by now, it doesn't affect me this much.
So I rethought what I did before work and it acquired to me I took some pills to calm myself down. They're homeophatic, don't worry, but still, they make me so chill and I don't think about anything negative while they affect me. But then again, even if they are homeophatic, you still shouldn't mix them with alcohol and I totally forgot that I took them while being at work. Someone brought me a drink and I obviously gladly took it. So yeah, it couldn't be the drink that affected me, because it was barely alcoholic, but I felt a bit dizzy and all I wanted to do is go home and sleep. I didn't obviously, because I need money.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure my throat is getting worse. It's been hurting for almost a month now, but I ignored it as a silly symptom, but now I don't like how it feels at all. It's like there is a fester or something in my throat, so I'm gonna call surgery on Monday morning to get my appointment. I hope I won't need to wait a month or so, lol.

Ah, also, yesterday I've started thinking about quitting uni. Like, honestly, I thought about taking gap year (or however it's called) or quitting at all, because honestly, everything stresses me out for the past few months. I haven't been relaxed for a long time and whenever I try, something always comes up and messes up with my plans. I can't wait for Sunday, I'm meeting up with my boys! I honestly can't remember the last time I hung out with them properly. But that's mainly my fault, I tried avoiding few of them anyway. Long story, too lazy to go into that.

I just had a bath. It always calms me down, it's like letting all of my demons in the mist while I'm soaking in hot water. The only problem with it is that I eventually have to leave it. But anyhow, let's not talk about me being naked in the water, apparently that's very inappropriate.

Actually, let's finish here, I'm really lazy to press buttons on my keyboard. Gotta save myself for work, you know x

love you guys x

gif from 'ofallingstar' blog ;3

Judita 101

A little class about me and how to be my friend:
Prepare for some really sensitive information before reading

First and the most important thing to know is that I am easily scared of people. I might appear brave and everything, but as soon as I recognise signs of someone liking me (too much), I will fucking run away without looking back. I'm not kidding. You could say I'm like a cat. You have to... tame (?) me? You know why I love my guys so much? Because they were treating me as any other person. They weren't too nice, they weren't too rude, they were... they were friends. And I loved it so much, you have no idea. And then when I felt super down, they were there for me, knowing exactly what I needed. And they didn't talk about it afterwards, because I didn't want it to be a big deal. They understood me.

Now lets get to the part about my mood swings. You can say I'm neurotic. I get angry easily but at the same time, I can't stay mad for long. It's something I learnt from my Mum - she never held grudge on anyone. She was so kind and forgiving to everyone and I am so happy I got it from Her. But then again, because I lost my Dad quite early, I was spoilt. I got everything I wanted, I had people taking care of me constantly. In my early teenage years I had depression. I didn't try to kill myself, no, but I constantly talked about it. My step-dad left us, I hated everything around me, the only thing in my life that made me happy was my computer and my internet friends. I constantly fought with my Mum and you have no idea how much I regret that now. Whenever I got mad or sad my Mum was there for me and She helped to get me through it. I have no idea how She did it, but She did it every time. And when I lost Her, you can imagine what happened. My first panic attack after that - there was no one around to calm me down. I remember I was in our flat alone, screaming and crying so loud my neighbour came over to see if no one is hurting me. That was the first time I truly wanted to kill myself. I thought about slicing my wrists, I even cut my skin on my arm, but I felt that my parents wouldn't be proud of that. So I took a lot of pills to fall asleep and possibly never wake up. I was almost asleep when my uncle came to check on me and I know that after he saw me in that state, he got my Grandma to sleep over (that was before my auntie moved in with my brother and sister). But the moral is that I haven't found anyone who can deal with my mood swings as good as my Mum did. I mean, the closest I got was one of my guys, but it was still not the same. Honestly, that moment was probably when I realised how much I care about him. Even now, when I don't see him so often anymore, I can calm myself down just by remembering that moment.
So there you go. I'm unpredictable if we talk about my feelings. I can't guarantee I won't be a bitch to someone, I can't guarantee I would feel bad for hurting someone. I don't really know myself anymore. I can't understand how I function, but I try. And so far I think I'm doing just fine, knowing that I'm pretty fucked up.

Another thing about me? What else you need to know? Sometimes I hate people that I really love. Like on Monday, I hated my guys for telling me not to come over. But honestly, even at that time, if I had to do anything for them, I would have. You probably noticed I talk about my guys a lot. Well, to be honest, I don't have many friends. I know a lot of people, but I'm someone who would never ask someone to hang out first. I would feel like I'm being annoying and I hate being annoying. That's probably why I'd rather not hang out with my housemates. I mean, I love those girls, but I feel like I'm the third wheel when we're together. I can't stand being third wheel. I'm an attention whore, everyone knows that.

To conclude what I just wrote, I'm fragile. I'm as fragile as a person can be and it is so very easy to fuck me up. I'm so sorry if I look rude or bitchy, I am not, I swear. I just have my guards up all the time because I cannot afford to lose someone else who is precious to me. I have lost way too much already.
I hope you realise that I will always be up to hang out with anyone who invites me. Unless I feel like there is something else apart 'hanging out'. I don't do dates, ok? I'm scared of them. And I have to know you pretty well to be able to go on one. Last time I tried dating, I dumped guys after a second date.

Anyway, I hope this wasn't too shocking or depressing or in any way too upsetting. I want to be understood, I just don't know how to express myself.

Honestly, it's been such a busy week

Heyyyy, how are you guys?;3

I had a pretty busy week. First of all, I've tried going out on Monday. Let me tell you, that was a terrible disaster. The guy who likes me asked me to joining him and his friends for pre-drinks and then for clubbing. Now, I haven't been out for four months or so, so obviously I was pretty excited about it. I dressed up and everything, I was so in the mood, nothing could go wrong. Ah, how wrong I was. We went to pre-drinks, I met his friends, it was all fun and games until I realised they wanna go clubbing quite late. Now, in my experience, that means 'get waisted and then don't go anywhere' so I kept bugging them to go quicker. We went out of their flat around half eleven and let me tell you, those boys were already waisted. This guy who likes me was annoying me back in flat as he was trying to make me drink more than I wanted to, so my tactic outside was to have as much time away from him as possible, but then again he kept bugging me and you guys know how my mood swings works. Then I joked about him trying to grab my boob (cuz his hand accidentally hit my chest) and he started apologising as if it was a big deal. Now, not to sound like a slut or anything, but I had quite a few idiots doing that to me, so it's nothing that would put my mood down, but you know what did? He kept apologising after 15th time when I told him it's alright. Now yes, I know that might sound sweet, but guys, it is fucking annoying. I walked a bit faster and started talking with one of his friends, but then he started telling me how much his friend likes me and it was pretty awkward. Then the guy started apologising again which made me turn around and walk home. He chased after me STILL FUCKING APOLOGISING and I told him I don't want to see him again (or smth like that, I cant remember my exact words). I should be honest, I felt like crying just there in the middle of the street. I grabbed my phone, I texted my boys asking if I could come over (because being at home kills me) but they were like 'nah, we're about to go to bed'. I mean, you imagine how that felt, right? So I was trying to breathe as I was walking home and when I got back, no one in my house noticed I was crying. Like, I literally ran to the bathroom, closed the doors and sobbed for good 15 minutes before realising I still had my shoes on. I went to my room, but that was not really better. I was still having my panic attack and I was mad at the same time, poor things were flying all over my room. And just after I got a bit better and went to look for some meds, my housemate asked if I'm alright. Like, they missed me at my worst and then asked if I'm ok. Honestly, they were last people I wanted to see then, so I just went upstairs to my room again. I didn't even find my pills, so I had to rely on my breathing skills. They're not too good, by the way. And I did something else instead of which I'm not proud. Don't judge me, because I judge myself for that, but I took my nail scissors and I kind of bent through my wrist a couple of times. Not deep cuts, it were just scratches, but it hurt enough to get me back to my room from that awful place in my mind. After that I've put some music on, I lighted my candles, my fairy lights and I went to bed. I kept waking up as if I was scared of something, but next morning I was fine. Honestly, I felt great. I woke up being all energised and full of joy and I couldn't understand why. I even went to the gym that day. And then on wednesday I kept dancing at work because I was in such a good mood.
Yesterday wasn't too bad either. I submitted my assignment (I really hope I'll pass with it), but I felt so drained from everything around me. Honestly, as I posted on facebook, if I didn't love my job so much, it would have been really hard to go there. And today isn't too much better. Do you have people who just drains you when you spend too much time around them? I feel so tired if I hang out with my housemates for more than few hours. I don't mean this in a mean way, you know I'm a nice person, but sometimes I feel way better being in my room with my music on.
 Lol, it was so awkward ar work yesterday. Our dj came in, put the music on and disappeared. Like, I didn't mind, we weren't busy and we didn't have people in for a few good hours, but I imagine dj should be in his place when people are starting to come in, right? But he was nowhere to be seen. I texted our manager asking where he is and dj came in a minute later. he stood in his place for a couple of minutes and then disappeared again. Well, I understand if people are going out for a smoke, or to the toilet, but honestly, he was out for a good half an hour. Like, I wouldn't care much, but a person from the dance floor came to me asking if he could make a request for a song. Asking ME for a SONG. I told him to ask dj for this and he waved at the empty dj booth asking when he's back. I had to tell him that the dj is probably smoking or something and I saw he didn't believe me. Anyway, after that I texted my manager again and he told me to go and find him. I went downstairs and our dj is just standing there by the door, talking to bouncers. I told him people are looking for him and you know what he replied? 'Tell them I'm here'. Like, be sassy as much as you want, but do your fucking job. So obviously I told him that I'm sorry that I can't do his job as a dj for him because I don't know how. He did noooot look happy, but at least that got him upstairs to the dj booth for the rest of the evening. Honestly, he gets paid for it, least he could do is be there.Anyway, sorry about my rants, as I said, I had a pretty busy week. I feel a bit better after getting that out of me on here. I should probably start getting ready for work. I might be on the door tonight, so I have to find something pretty warm to wear.

Love you guys to the moon and back xx

gif is from 'giference' blog , thaaaank ;3

It's been 20 days and I'm still the same.

I haven't posted here for 20 days.
Twenty days.

You guys must think I'm dead or something. Well, don't be scared, I'm not. I was just not really in the mood to write anything. That and I didn't really have much time. Like, I went to Lithuania last week, so you can imagine how busy I was there. Literally, that week went past so quickly I barely had time to hang out with my family. I miss them already, I wanna go back.
Like, if I'm being honest here, that week made me realise that I don't want to be here anymore. I want to travel and I want to explore my possibilities, I wanna quit my studies, I just want to live. And I know that's irresponsible, that's why I'm still here, paying my rent, going to classes and smiling to people that I don't even want to see anymore.
That sounds so dramatic, I know, but the longer this year goes in, the more I want to quit everything. It might have to do with the fact that I know I'm not wanted in the house I live in, but you know me. I'm 'go with the flow' girl. It's just... I don't know. It's not nice to look at someone when you know they don't want you here. I was told by my housemates to talk to them if I don't like something, but honestly, how do I tell them that I'm really hurt by what they said? I know I said it's not a big deal, but it is. Anyone I talked to about this are surprised how I still talk to them after they told me to find a new place to live. It's actually one of the reasons why I got back to Lithuania. I wanted a break from all the negativity around me and it was a blessing to see my family and be around people who truly loves me.
You know what else? I got tired of hearing how rude I am. Fine. I'm rude. deal with it. I use phrase 'good for you' mostly when I'm happy for someone and you British people just take it as an insult. Well fuck that, ok? If you don't want to accept it as me being happy for you, then maybe I should be sarcastic towards you. And you know, I used this phrase today pretty much as a joke, since my housemate corrects me everytime, and she was like 'you won't have any friends if you keep saying it' and I replied with 'I'll have you guys' and the noise she made was not comforting at all. Maybe they don't consider me as their friend? Well, that's a bit racist then. Am I over thinking again?

I miss my family. I want to be with them, I really fucking want to go back. I know there is nothing for me there, I have a great job here, but fuck it's hard. It's hard knowing that my friends are pretending to be my friends because they want to be polite. It's hard that my friends rather be high than spend remember me from time to time. It's fucking hard to be on my own.

I'm sorry I'm getting all emotional, maybe it's the pms thing. It's just I'm not sure what I want to do with my life anymore. I want to move countries, I want to start from the scratch, but look how that went the first time. I'm not someone who trusts people easily. I'm not the one who easily finds friends. I'm the loner type and I need someone who would drag me out of the house to socialise. God, if not my work, I'd probably be mad by now. I was so surprised when my auntie looked at me crying about all of this and she was like 'so no one gives you attention you need?'. And she wasn't criticising or mocking me. She genuinely knew that I need my attention. I need to know I'm not the only one always being affectionate towards my so called friends.

Anyway, sorry about this. I'm going out in a few hours and I'm really tempted to cancel out, but I haven't been out in ages, so I really need this.  I'm going out with people I don't know (well, except the person who invited me), I'm going to the club that I barely like, but hey, what can go wrong, right? I have my phone, so if anything, I'll just get taxi and go home. I need to dance my ass off, I'm so tired of everything.

anyway, have a great night boo's x

'bunnyallura' gif is from there. I really love this one <3