To be honest, I can't make myself open this tab and write. I don't even know why, I just can't. Maybe I don't want to. Maybe I got bored of sharing my life with everyone? Naah, that can't be it. I love attention too much.
That's why yesterday was awesome (well, apart a few idiots). I finally got to hang out with a bunch of awesome girls and Mosh was pretty cool. Like, it was 5 of us when we came, and then before leaving I was with one of them. I think she actually wanted me to leave, but I felt too responsible for her. For everyone, to be honest. I don't know why, but I felt like I had to protect her. Well, until the moment when she started shouting to the guys that I'm a virgin and I need a good fuck. That's when I left. Obviously, she apologised and I can't be mad at one of two girls that I hang out with, but it still felt pretty damn bad. I mean, I don't hide that I haven't had sex yet, but you know what? It's me who gets to say it to people. And then there was this guy that I met, I can't really remember his name, since he put his number under 'husband' in my phone. He was pretty sweet, let me tell you. But then again, didn't know how to kiss. He actually bit my lip while doing it. But he was pretty sweet. Though I think I fucked it up when I was sitting with my friend in the smoking zone and I saw him with two other girls and I told him not to bother calling me. Tbh, those two girls came like two minutes afterwards, saying he really likes me and stuff like that, and I just told him to fuck off. Not very friendly, I know. I think it was the stage when I got aggressive. I have that sometimes. Especially when I have someone to take care of. And that was my drunk friend.
Anyway, after yesterday, I got to a conclusion that British guys have no idea how to kiss. And where to put their hands while doing so. God, and I thought I'll marry a British guy one day. Not if he doesn't know how to kiss. I love kisses too much to be with someone who bites my lips or someone who kisses like he's gasping for air. Yeah, I made out with two guys, nbd. That's what clubs are for. I think. Probably not. Well, I went there to dance, not to make out and I still did it. God, you should have seen how many guys were around me and my friends while we were dancing. Obviously I pretended that they doesn't exist, because, let's face it, two bad kisses in one night is enough. And you know what? While I was walking home, one guy stopped his cab, got off and asked if I need a ride. And then asked me how old I was. I didn't say 'fuck off'. I asked how old I look like and when I heard 22 or 23 I just walked away saying I don't look that old and he's a dick. And I was too angry on the whole world to talk with anyone.
And I think I messaged one of my guy friends that I'd fuck him. And I'm really uncomfortable about that atm. Since it was on snapchat, when I got home it said 'failed' but you know snapchat. I deleted all convos, but I'm not sure if he got it or not. If so, I really hope he'll take it as a joke. Even if I wasn't joking when I sent it. God, what's wrong with me. I do not want to give my first time to a guy that's not my boyfriend. I feel great being a virgin, I feel like I'm in control, you know? And I'm pretty damn proud of myself. Though it annoys me that my aunt always lectures me that I shouldn't start my sex life. THAT JUST MAKES ME WANT TO DO IT! and that's why I'm avoiding talking with her about this subject. Even if she'd seen my hickeys while we were chatting on skype.
But hey, it's my life, right? I'm responsible for my own decisions.
Love you guys x
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