Yeaaah, I'm stupid

<insert a really deep quote about importance of being happy>

Imma get really philosophical here about happiness, but no, I am really really happy.

But I did mention it to you before. I'm afraid to be too happy. It's stupid, I hate it, but I can't help it. I became afraid of being happy after my Mum passed away, because a day before I got the 'news' I was hyper active and happy and just crazy. And the next day the biggest tragedy in my life happened. So after that, I've started to be more careful about my carefree happiness. I was happy from time to time, yes, but whenever it was to the certain limit, I would get scared. Just like yesterday.
I was cuddling with my love and it was just so perfect and everything was right and I was feeling like the luckiest girl in the whole damn universe and then it hit me how happy I was and guess fucking what. I felt tears coming up my eyes and I scared my poor baby because apparently he thought I was in pain or something. It's so stupid, I can't. But I have no idea how to deal with it. And trust me, I read about it a lot.
I dont know, maybe its the pill I took or something else but I feel that my emotions are really, like, super fragile these days. We were joking around at work and like two minutes after laughing out loud my nails were by my throat trying to scratch the way for air to get to my lungs. I didnt cry, I just couldnt breathe. My guess was because I thought I made my love angry and I honestly couldnt bare that thought right now. I didn't know how to explain it to him as well. Plus, it was a lot of people around us, so I didnt really want to talk about it out loud. And I could tell he wanted an explanation. How do you explain a panic attack when youre not even sure what it was about??

Anyway. I do want him to understand it. I want him to know I get really weird, emotional and stupid. That it happens and I know how to deal with it and I'm really sorry if that's something that would bother him.

I miss being able to be happy without being afraid that something is going to happen soon.

Anyway.
I gotta go now.

Love you guys xx

gif from 'imsherlockedinlovewithyou' - just breathe :)

Them clues in the text amirite

I'm so emotionally unstable these days it actually starts to scare me.

I mean, I feel happy around my person, but he's probably the only person that makes me smile. Everything else just stresses me out and its terrible. I actually raised my voice at work today. You have no idea how guilty I felt. Like, I never lose my temper in front of someone else. It's me we're talking about, I'm that cold heart bitch that can stay calm whenever she wants to. But maybe today it was just because I haven't slept properly. Or maybe my hormones are fucking up because of the pill I took. Anyway, I'm not feeling quite myself these days.

Even now, I feel so disappointed just because I wont see my baby tonight. I mean, he was with me all night yesterday, so I should not be complaining, but what can I do. I'm super clingy. I've started thinking that maybe he's getting bored of me. After all, no one can stay with me for a long time after realising what a crazy bitch I am. I'm anxious, I know. It's stupid, but what can I do. I cant just tell him 'listen, babe, I feel like you've started avoiding me' - that sounds super clingy and desperate. We both have our own lives, right? Plus I have work tonight, so it's pretty understandable why he's not at my place at the moment. Anyway. I'm thinking about this too much, I know.

But yeah, I spend most of my time with him. Its either him or work or sleep. I dont mind, you know? At least I have someone I completely trust and want to stay around at all times. I still earn my money and it's amazing to be able to afford everything I want. Oh yeah, we do fight about paying for stuff. I honestly hate that he wants to pay for everything. I dont think thats fair, so whenever I have a chance, I'm annoying him by paying. I mean, he does drive me everywhere and he comes over all the time, petrol is expensive, so I feel like I should somehow at least make him spend less on me. Yes, I'm a diva, I love when people spoil me, but honestly, if he's gonna spend money on me, I'll get back at him by spending money on him.

I keep talking about him, aren't I? It's probably because he means the world to me now. Did I tell you how ironic something is? He's birthday is on the second of February. Same month and day my Dad left us. How strange is that? I mean, is that destiny or something? Because I do believe in that stuff, you know. I believe in destiny, I believe in karma, I believe that if you say something defo wont happen, it will defo happen. So pregnant jokes are not funny anymore, dont let me even get on that topic, for God's sake.

Anyway, I gotta go get ready, talk to you later my people ;*

gif from 'just-usmadd' :)

Important people in my life

blogging. right. why am I so bad at remembering this?

My life is so great right now I'm scared something majorly bad is coming my way. I finally have a boyfriends whom I actually love, I have great teams at work and even though we don't really hang out outside workplaces, I know they care about me.
I've decided to leave my bartending job. Werehouse offered me a fulltime position there while I'm studying and I can't pass on that kind of money. I do love my job as a bartender. I love the place I work at, I love people I work with. They've became super important people in my life. And my boss was telling me how much they care about me and it doesn't matter if I leave or not, they're still here for me if I ever need anything. You have no idea how hard I tried not to cry when he said they're my family. I mean, they sort of are. In the last year, the whole year I worked there I changed to so much and they saw those changes. They saw me when I was in a pretty bad shape, they saw me being inlove and heartbroken. They saw me on my mood swings and in my sicknesses. They basically know everything about me. And I feel so so bad for leaving them. I'm definitely gonna miss this place. But hey, if I have my saturday nights off, why not pop there from time to time, right? I mean, I could still enjoy my night out there, even if the music is not something I would prefer on my night out. But hey, I can adapt.
To be fair, while we were talking yesterday, my boss gave some great advices about relationships as well. I mean, I knew pretty much everything that he told me, but hearing it from someone actually got me thinking about everything more. Like, yes, my aunts are talking to me about it as well, but it's not the same as sitting in front of someone hearing them explaining everything. Such a father figure, honestly :D but I respect my boss so much (no, I'm not writing this just because I know you read it!!)

anyway. My boyfriend. Yes. He's amazing. I was told it's just the beginning and I have no idea whom I'm in relationship with, but for me, it just... I just feel great around him. I feel like I can be goofy, I can be my childish myself, I can just act freely and he loves it. I love being able to be myself. I love the way we talk, I love the way we spend time together, everything seems perfect. Yes yes, nothing is perfect, but for me, he is. I tell you guys I've never had a boyfriend before. I haven't. Not the real one. When I was about 14, something like that, there was this guy who messaged me and asked me to meet up with him. He lived in a village where my Mum worked, so one day I just went to Her work with Her and I went to meet up with him. At the end of the day he asked if I could be his girlfriend and I was like sure why not. He started acting like he loves me already, talking about how much he loves me and shit and I could never make myself say it back unless I wasnt looking him in the eyes and I was crossing my fingers meaning I was telling lies. I'm that kind of person that doesnt want to hurt peoples feelings, ok? But anyway. He started acting stupid, calling me pretending to be drunk, gave my number to his friends so they could call me and pretend to flirt with me or however you call it and one of them said 'oh listen he just fell down the stairs, he's drunk and we cant call the ambulance because he's underage and so on. I got so fucking worried I woke my Mum up saying this is happening and She called his supervisor (he lived in an orphanage) and she said he's in his room, with his friends, just having fun. OOOOOHHHHH you should have heard how much I shouted on him. I told him its over, he should never ever talk to me again, that he wouldnt even dare to look my Mum in the eyes because She know what a jerk he was and so on. I've never ever kissed him as well. We were holding hands, yes, we had that small little kiss where you just peck on the lips, but thats it. That's why I dont think that was relationship. That's not how it works, right? Because on top of all that, I still had a crush on my boy best friend. I was a complicated kid, ok? I just needed to feel loved. Anyway. I do remember I had a chance to come back to him for what he did on an international Women's day like a year later. I was super tired that morning because the night before we had a class celebration or something, so I was showering and shit when I got a message from him, asking for me to come outside. I was like what do you want, I'm still mad on you, and he said he's sorry and he wants to talk. So I open my flat door, there he is, dressed nicely, with a flower in his hand, smiling. You know what I did? I told him I dont need his apologies, I dont need his flowers and I closed the doors right in front of his face. My Grandma was in the flat with me that time and she just laughed for good ten minutes what a bitch I am. I mean, in a good way. But anyway. Later on I had to go to my friends, so I walked outside and he was still sitting by the entry. I totally ignored him, he tried to follow me in the shop, but I didnt even look at him. And that was the last time I saw him.
So when I say I don't have any experience how relationship works, I mean I have no idea how adult relationship works. He was such a kid, I was so naive and this just doesnt count in my mind. And now I do have a boyfriend who actually cares about me, he doesn't lie to me, he makes sure I'm always ok, I'm always happy and whenever I have a problem, he always notices that something is wrong. This. This is what I call relationship. You don't make someone stress because you want to see how they would react. You dont laugh when they get really concerned about your wellbeing, you dont lie about it. That's why I love the way my boyfriend treats me. He's amazing. He makes me feel like I want to try to be a better person. I want to make him happy and I want us to be happy.

Anyway, yes, my life is great now. Everything is going nicely, I don't have even one thing to complain about and this is as calm as I've been in a long, like, a very long time. I cant tell you how much this means to me. I guess you did notice, that last year wasn't great at all for me. Fingers crossed, now it's my time.

Love you lots, guys xx

gif from 'lovershub' ;)

Drama all over again

I finally told my Aunt how I feel about her. I feel like its really bad now between us, but I honestly had enough.

Don't get me wrong, I love her so much and I respect her to the infinity, because she's such a strong woman. But at the same time, she is so negative. She always sees the worst in the situation, she doesn't know how to enjoy small things in life and just everything is bad for her. You guys know how hard I try to be happy about everything I possibly can. And she just drags me down. I think I talked about it before, when I was talking about my depression. When she told me that mental illnesses don't exist and its only rich people who can afford having it because they're arrogant or something. Imagine how that made me feel. Imagine me trying to convince myself that my mood swings, my thoughts about killing myself were nothing but my own personality. Imagine how a sixteen year old girl who just lost her Mom had to feel hearing that.
My aunt knows I tried cutting myself, she saw my hands after a few days. She does know I tried overdosing on sedatives. What she doesn't know is I tried it here, in England, as well. When no one was around me to help me if I change my mind. The only thing that stopped me to cut myself was my tattoo. My angel wings tattoo. I'm so glad I decided to do it on my wrist, so I could constantly look at it. It reminds me that my Parents did not raise me to give up. They raised me to be a strong, independent, happy woman who can make smart decisions. I have strong sedatives called Xanax in my medicine cupboard. I never touched them, but I was really close to open the whole pack and take it. The only sedatives I dare to take are homeopathic, which, apparently, is impossible to overdose on. I don't trust myself with it. I know how bad I can get and I don't want to have anything around me to hurt myself.

On the other side, I think I'm forgetting what's it like to cry. I did cry on the 22/07, but it was a few tears on both cheeks and I told myself it's fine, I should get used to it. And then I felt like crying yesterday, but again, like three tears left my eyes and that was it. I didn't felt relief, I didn't feel nothing. Its like my feelings are broken. It's like I trained myself so well I can't get my feelings out anymore.

It's really difficult. I know there might be people who have it worse than me, but for me it's really difficult. I'm so happy I found someone who can make me laugh and smile when all I want to do is cry. We talked with him for almost three hours yesterday and I couldnt tell you how fast the time passed. I felt great hearing his voice, I felt great just knowing I have him. And it was the best distraction from my aunt trying to call me.

Anyway, good morning to you too :D I'm drinking my decaf coffee, I'm getting ready to go to town and guess who's going to have glasses in two hours? :OOO

gif from 'juliabe ' ;)

My family is important to me, you know

I've watched the Notebook yesterday.

I really thought it will be a deep, sad romantic movie, and I just.... I just didnt like it. I can't even explain why, I just didn't connect with it. I mean, yes, Ryan Gosling was awesome, but something was missing for me.
I would be a terrible movie critic, I know.

Anyway, it's two days without seeing my baby and I'm going crazy. I know he's with his family, so I shouldnt be messaging him every five minutes, but I just want to talk to him all the damn time <3 he even officially asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend and obviously I said yes. Do you know what that means?

Judita finally has her first real boyfriend.

I cant even begin to describe the feeling when he called me his girlfriend for the first time. It was so magical <3 I would say why I haven't done this sooner, like, tried to get into relationship, but I'm so happy I have waited. Some guy at the club was asking if I was single and let me tell you, it was so incredibly awesome to tell him that no, I am not and dont even lie about it. He proceeded with 'I should have known, pretty girls are never lonely' and I really wanted to say you should have asked me last week, but obviously I didn't. I didn't even liked looking at him, because he kept staring at my boobs rather than my face. Omg, yes, that dress that I've recently bought looks sooooooo good. If you put a push up bra as well, it just looks like my boobs were squeezed into a corset and like, I'm not surprised I wasnt the only one who couldnt stop staring at them. My babe was not too happy I went to work looking like this, but its work, I have to look pretty :(

You know, I used to hate when someone called me 'baby' or 'babe'. It sounded terrible and disgusting and it just made me shiver. And now, whenever he calls me his baby I'm melting away with happiness and it just makes my head spin. Everything he does or says makes me extraordinarily happy. I cant stop smiling looking at his pictures, I cant stop smiling seeing his message popping up on my phone.
To be fair, you guys know I share everything on my social media. I cant wait to finally get a selfie with him so you would know it's not someone my lonely brain finally created. Like, I wouldnt be surprised if someone out there would see my post and think 'oh she's lying, she probably has an imaginary boyfriend'. Like, yes, I want to make sure everyone knows I'm not lying, that I actually found love. 19 more days... :(((

By the way. I got into a fight with my auntie because of this. Well, not entirely of this, but basically I called her to talk to her and she was like 'I cant imagine someone loving your childish personality'. That fucking hurt, ok? Did she expected me to end up all alone, because of who I am? If we're being honest, she's not the easiest person to live with either. And for her to tell me that was really, super mean. She knows how many insecurities I have, how hard it is for me to open up to someone and then she just drops this on me. So obviously I got null and I told her that I can see she just cant be happy for me because she's always bitter and she's single because of it. She hung up on me. I messaged her saying 'wow, ok, thanks for ruining my mood before work, as always' because its not the first time she says something rude before I have to go to the nightclub. And yesterday she messaged 'of course she has comments :D' which I don't even understand why she messaged it. Well, I ignored it. I dont want to talk to her, I dont want her ruining my mood with her comments. I'm really getting tired of her talking to me this way. If not my brother and sister, I'd probably delete her number and unfriend her on facebook so I wouldnt even be bothered about not calling her. Shes just so negative and I dont like when someone tries to make me unhappy. I worked way too hard to be able to actually smile again. You have no idea how much I've went through to smile without wanting to break into tears. And every time I'm actually happy about something, she ruins it. I've had enough, ok?

Anyway, gonna go and get ready, I'm going to be with my girls all day <3

gif from the-imperfect-therapist' :)

I don't believe in love from the first sight, so he walked past me two times

That's it. I don't know how long does it take to fall in love, but I'm pretty sure I am. I cant tell you how much I enjoy spending time with him, how I wake up with a thought of him and I go to sleep with a thought of him. Knowing I'm going to see him after work got me through my day. I don't know what else I can tell you. He's just... perfect.

I have no idea how I'm gonna survive next three weeks while he's on holiday back in his country.Work is going to be shit, because he would always make it bearable, my 'social' life is going to go around my messenger waiting for him to message me or get a reply. I mean, I do spend my time on my phone anyway, but now its going to be the only way to get in some contact with him. It actually makes me so sad, I love being in his arms, I love his hugs, I love his touches, it's so perfect.

I'm still afraid I'm going to fuck it up, and I guess I'll always have that fear, but I guess its part of every relationship, right? Ok, this word is really strange when I'm talking about myself. Me? In a relationship? Who has heard more ridiculous sentence ever? But it comes so naturally with him. I just feel like it has to be like that. I dont feel rushed to do anything, I can be myself all the time and it's just.... (don't say perfect, I hear you saying already) awesome? It just doesnt describe it as well. God, if you could see how happy I am right now <3

anyway, sorry for the short post, I'm quite tired after today's day shift, it was horrible :( love you guys x

gif from 'freedom4south' ;)

Baby please

I haven't posted in two days but it does feel like its been ages now.

I'm doing really well you guys. Like, I keep giggling and smiling at my phone and the reason is obvious and I keep secretly waiting for myself to fuck this up. I mean, we all know me, I always do.

But even so, I'm still not sure I want to talk to you about it. I actually wanted to tell you guys about something entirely different.

My best friend. I love that girl so very much, I could probably literally kill for her, but I don't think she realises I wish her all the best. I know she told me she's happy with her I'm-not-sure-how-to-call-him, but I just... don't believe it? Because I remember her saying she doesnt think anyone else will turn up and it really fucked me up. Like, she is pretty, she is smart, she was my idol while I was growing up and I was aspiring to be as cool as she was. And then she settled for someone who treats her badly. They havent been on a proper date (unless you count going to a club with other friends as date), he's been making excuses everytime she asked him to meet up anywhere apart his flat. They broke up a couple of months ago and, you guys, this fucked me up more than you can imagine, I actually cried about it, she got back with him without realising that he used her. I don't wanna go into too much detail, its not my life, but that's how I see this relationship. It's sick, its abusive and I hate the person that he is. I havent met him in real life, I had a chance, but instead of saying hi I would have greeted him with a big lithuanian punch to the face. My best friend is mad because I dont respect him (as she said, I should have some respect to someone whom I havent even met) but how can you respect someone when you know that they are hurting a person you love so much? I'm not sure she understands it.
I'm not even sure she will like this if she reads it. But I have to talk to someone about it and she's the only person I can talk about things like that. I tried explaining her how much she means to me, but I don't think she understands properly. I really hope that she will, eventually.
I told her a while back that if she doesnt want me insulting him, she should tell me about him, because I'm not interested in him. And yesterday she stated that I dont let her talk about him. I do, she can message me exciting messages saying 'omg he did this or messaged me that' and I'll be happy that she's happy. I just wont be happy of the reason she's happy. He will, and I repeat, will always stand in my eyes as someone who made my baby cry. And I will not forgive someone as easily as she can.

Gotta go now, talk to you later xx

gif from 'geekylaugifs.' :)