Don't get me wrong, I love her so much and I respect her to the infinity, because she's such a strong woman. But at the same time, she is so negative. She always sees the worst in the situation, she doesn't know how to enjoy small things in life and just everything is bad for her. You guys know how hard I try to be happy about everything I possibly can. And she just drags me down. I think I talked about it before, when I was talking about my depression. When she told me that mental illnesses don't exist and its only rich people who can afford having it because they're arrogant or something. Imagine how that made me feel. Imagine me trying to convince myself that my mood swings, my thoughts about killing myself were nothing but my own personality. Imagine how a sixteen year old girl who just lost her Mom had to feel hearing that.
My aunt knows I tried cutting myself, she saw my hands after a few days. She does know I tried overdosing on sedatives. What she doesn't know is I tried it here, in England, as well. When no one was around me to help me if I change my mind. The only thing that stopped me to cut myself was my tattoo. My angel wings tattoo. I'm so glad I decided to do it on my wrist, so I could constantly look at it. It reminds me that my Parents did not raise me to give up. They raised me to be a strong, independent, happy woman who can make smart decisions. I have strong sedatives called Xanax in my medicine cupboard. I never touched them, but I was really close to open the whole pack and take it. The only sedatives I dare to take are homeopathic, which, apparently, is impossible to overdose on. I don't trust myself with it. I know how bad I can get and I don't want to have anything around me to hurt myself.
On the other side, I think I'm forgetting what's it like to cry. I did cry on the 22/07, but it was a few tears on both cheeks and I told myself it's fine, I should get used to it. And then I felt like crying yesterday, but again, like three tears left my eyes and that was it. I didn't felt relief, I didn't feel nothing. Its like my feelings are broken. It's like I trained myself so well I can't get my feelings out anymore.
It's really difficult. I know there might be people who have it worse than me, but for me it's really difficult. I'm so happy I found someone who can make me laugh and smile when all I want to do is cry. We talked with him for almost three hours yesterday and I couldnt tell you how fast the time passed. I felt great hearing his voice, I felt great just knowing I have him. And it was the best distraction from my aunt trying to call me.
Anyway, good morning to you too :D I'm drinking my decaf coffee, I'm getting ready to go to town and guess who's going to have glasses in two hours? :OOO
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