I have a reason not to post here anymore. Well, actually, someone pointed it out, but honestly, I don't think I can fully abandon this blog.
I don't know how to explain this. I don't know if my brain makes me overthink this again, but every time I walk past one particular street, I feel fear up my throat. I told you about this guy who's been messaging and calling me. I threatened him with police and he went silent since that time. I mean, this is a good sign, yeah? And still I have this stupid fear in the corner of my mind whispering I should be fucking careful.
People who read my blog know everything about me. It's like you guys are there, in the back of my mind. And I was told it's not ok (I kind of knew it, but ignored it). It's not ok to tell strangers what's wrong with your life. And I know it, gosh, you guys know how hard it is for me to make friends because I don't trust anyone. I was told to fix that, but like, let me give you an example, yeah? I'm pretty good with people I work with. Somehow we bonded over this time, but now we have new people in and it's really hard. I don't know what to say to them, I feel like I seem bossy and they don't want to talk to me. My fear of talking in English came back and now I stutter again. I can't find right words like I used to and it might be because I'm out of practise, but still, it's like super annoying.
So yeah, I was told not to write my blog anymore. I've tried, ok? Like, I didn't even refresh this page to see if anyone was reading it. And then some stuff happened. I think my depression is coming back. Or maybe it's just a really strange pms, no one can tell them apart, amirite? But yeah, like, yesterday I was so emotional I cried over nothing and then I drank my sedatives and then cleaned the house before work and then at work I felt so tired I just wanted to go to bed. And then I got home and I couldn't sleep for another hour and a half, maybe more. I woke up every few hours not knowing what's happening. I'm shit scared this might drain me. I went for a nap and couldn't stay asleep for more than 15 minutes at the time. And now I'm sitting here in front of my laptop, writing this and hoping someone would cheer me up.
I have to admit, these few days I felt so good about my body. Nothing changed, but I felt so good. So sexy, I dare to say. And I don't know why. My mood swings kills me and I can't deal with them. Plus, my assignments are due soon and I don't understand them and it's just too much. I hate that I leave everything for the last minute.
on that note, gotta got to work. Love you guys, talk to you later (hopefully soon) xx
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