Apathetic

So I have a free hour until my next workshop and I'm too lazy to go home, so I just came over to the computer lab to chill.
What else to do than to update my blog, amirite?


Let me tell you this. October had been my month of changes for a long time now. I'm not sure how exactly to explain this, but let me try.
it's autumn. And autumn means it's not sunshines and nice weather anymore. it means cold evenings curled up on the sofa with a cup of hot chocolate in hands, watching a movie and just chilling. Sounds awesome, doesn't it? Yeah, I thought so too. Until I've realised a few years back that it doesn't make me happy. It makes me depressed. It's really usual for me to get into depression around this time. And that's why I start thinking about all the changes I could make and how I should just turn my world around. Sounds stupid, but that's just me. And that's probably why I pierced my tongue. And dyed my hair. And I'm going to get another tattoo. I'm trying to find something that would make me want to enjoy my life again. Nothing, and I repeat, nothing, makes me happy. I watch my favourite tv-show - it's just a regular show I've seen before. I eat my favourite meal? yeah, I got used to the taste so much it's nothing special. I have a huge pack of Nutella just for myself? because of all the chocolate I ate in the last week, I have terrible acne now. I listen to my favourite songs? It just makes me want to cry because of the memories I associate the songs with. Even my friends, I do love to hang out with them, but it doesn't make me happy. Yes, it's fun, but I get back to my room and I do not think about it.


I went on (probably) a date yesterday. It was something I don't do, you know me. But I really wanted to meet him because he's Lithuanian and I was thinking I could make another friend. It's just it was pretty clear he does not see me as a friend. Did the date made me happy? I was laughing most of the time, yes, but I got back home and I just carried my evening as if nothing happened. I wasn't excited at all.


I became apathetic to everything. My other friends doesn't text me? Fine, I don't care. I can be alone, even if that's the worst I could do to myself. I'm pretty sure I got used to it and I'm not sure if I like that. It's terrifying. I need people around me.


I know I've been in a bad mood for a couple of posts now, but that's really not a bad mood. It's me trying to cope with the nonsenses that's been happening in my life.
I remember my Mum's funeral. Time to time my feelings would just disappear. Not just disappear, it would seem like I don't have them at all. Like they died with a part of me. And then moments later they would come back and they would come back as a hurricane. I'm afraid of that, ok? I'm afraid I'm becoming apathetic and I'm afraid that I might break soon. I can't let that happen. I can't do it all over again.


I want to run away from this. I want to run away without looking back and I never want to come back.


What am I talking about?


I was so excited to come here. I was excited to start studying here and I was excited about my new life. Look at me now. I want to leave it and go somewhere where no one knows me. I want to change myself, I don't like my apathetic self. How do I turn back my feelings on again? I need help. I'm not telling anyone about it tho. I don't know how to talk about it. Even if someone would try to talk about it I'd probably just say I'm fine, because  I couldn't be bothered to deal with it. But I do need help.


I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm sorry. I just needed to say it somewhere.


I do hope you guys have great day, because I do intend to have one myself.


If I can be bothered to feel anything in the first place.


love you lots x