Pre-moving day

Goood day my sweet sunshines!

I had a great day/night at work ^-^ nothing really happened, but it was quite fun. And nice. And I got paid, which is always nice, right?
Anyway, I woke up and started packing today. I have so much stuff I doubt I'm going to make it with 2 or 3 walks to my new house. Like, guys, it's so much effort. And my bags are so heavy and it's just my room stuff and it's not even all of it, I still have to pack my kitchen stuff as well. I wanna cry right now (tho I'm in a pretty good mood, because I slept well). Thank God my flatmate is going to help me out. I wish I had friends who has car so it would be easier, but then again, what kind of an adventure would that be then?
I'm so excited tho. I'm gonna be living in a new place, which means new adventures and new routine. I'll have a garden!!! I'm so going there every time the sun is shining to tan or to drink my coffee or tea. Ah, I'm so freaking excited for it! I really hope it's not raining tomorrow. Or it's gonna be really hard adventure to get all of my stuff out of here to there.
By the way, if any of my friends from Leicester are reading my blog and doesn't have anything else to do tomorrow (and have a car?) you're more than welcome to help me out ^-^ Just drop me a message and I'm going to tell you my plan (and by the end of the evening I'm gonna buy a watermelon, so everyone who'll help me will get a piece of it [yes, I'm bribing you] )

Aaaanyway, I've finished my morning(evening?) coffee so I'm gonna take a break from my messy room and go take a shower.
If you have any ideas how I can take my stuff from here to my new place (without taxi, those bitches are expensive), drop me a message or comment on the post, ok? (you can do that by pressing on 'no comments' section ;) )

love you x

gif is from 'mavieen16-9' and that's literally what I was doing today. Soooooooooo much stuff :| thank you for the gif tho ^-^

Shower thoughts

I've been in the shower and now I have a topic I wanna talk about :O


I was thinking about my crushes. Like, all of them, small ones, big ones, medium ones. I admit that I kind of fall for someone quite easily. Give me attention and I'm basically yours. And that got me thinking about the future. Like, if I ever have my significant other and someone else will start showing me sings of attraction, how will I react? Because in my current situation, I have this ultimate crush and then this new crush that kind of was here for a week or so. And I was thinking about both of them and I kind of realised that this new crush kind of shadowed my ultimate crush, but then again, I haven't seen this new crush of mine in a week now and it kind of faded away a bit. What I've realised from this? My ultimate crush is not so ultimate anymore. Like, I still think about him everyday, but that's more like a habit now. And since he's my friend, he usually comes up when I reminisce about good old times with my guys.
So getting back to the point - I didn't expect it to be so easy to get over of such an ultimate crush and what if this happens when I'll be in a relationship? Maybe I'm not the type to be in relationship? But then again, I kind of want my first time to be with someone I really really care about. Does it mean I'm going to stay virgin for the rest of my life? This is so complicated. Why couldn't I be a normal teenager and just date anyone at the young age as my ex-best friend did? God, I would be normal then. Not that I hate who I am now. I'm quite proud of myself to be honest. But still, all of this makes me think about all the stuff I haven't done and sometimes I hate it.
I had all paragraph written about the relationship bases but I've realised it was too personal to share. Even I have some kind of boundaries, you know.
I don't even know what I want to say. The point was, I was confused whether I'd be able to stay in relationship if fall for anyone so easily.

Anyway, sorry for bothering you with this, but it's easier for myself when I write it down ^-^

gif from 'mattsgifs' thanks for it ;3

Why I'm not surprised?

Good morning ;)

I think I slept too much. I don't know why I think so, but you know. Or maybe I'm just not in the mood. Yeah yeah, it's Saturday, I have work in the evening and I'm happy about it, but it's just so not my week. I spilt a fair amount of expensive alcohol yesterday by accident, so now I'm worried that it's gonna come out of my wage and I really can't afford it. On top of that, it was really really busy yesterday, so obviously I got really tired. And then there was this couple that argued with me about what I did and what I didn't do. I hate people like that. Like, I know how to do my job, why the fuck would they argue? Anyway, it was absolutely busy, so instead of arguing for the rest of the evening, I asked one of my co-workers to talk with them and I didn't even see how it went. After we've closed, I felt like literally sleeping on the floor right there. I was so tired. Obviously we had to wait for a bit to get out, then finally I went home and aah, sleep.
I can't imagine how I'm gonna have to walk home net week, when I'll move. It's going to be like 20 minutes walk. And since I'm not taking any taxi, it's gonna be as exhausting, as it is working. But I need money, what can I do.

See? I'm obviously not in the mood. I started ranting first thing in the morning and I don't like it at all. I'm supposed to be happy and excited and stuff, but instead, I sit here hating the whole world and all I wanna do is watch a cartoon or something. Or maybe pack my stuff. I'll probably do that, because I hate how everything is just not in a place.

Thank God I have chocolate. Thank you my dear auntie who brought it for me. I really need some support here.  Or could it be that my mood is low because of something else? Like, I've stopped taking vitamin C, I don't know if I take my other supplements regularly. I forget stuff, I can't concentrate on anything, I'm always in a bad mood... something is not right and I don't know how to fix it. Maybe it's just a phase but it sucks. I really hope I'll feel better in a few hours. Or days. I can't be like this next week, I just can't.

Gosh, I miss my friends as well. All of them. Or maybe I just miss spending time with someone. The last time I hung out with someone, was my flatmate when we went outside to tan a bit. But that was last week. I obviously talk to my family from time to time, but it's not the same. I just want someone to be besides me. Hug me. Talk to me. I really need someone by my side at this time.

I'm sorry I'm like that this morning. I really hope I'll get better.

I love you so so much xx

gif from 'sadsaru' thanks ;)

Aarrghhhh! *dinosaur noise*

Days like this annoy the fuck out of me.

Seriously.

I went for a nap with wet hair, so you can imagine how it was when I woke up. But fuck that, right? I can always straighten them. Ok, so I woke up, I've realised I have to start putting my make up on. I was so lazy to do the eyeliner, I've decided to play with eyeshadows. DI-SAS-TER. I looked like a clown who was in an accident. I wiped everything off, I took the eyeliner and started drawing. It wasn't nowhere near even after half an hour. I wiped everything off. I was so annoyed with myself. Plus, youtube decided to play annoying music. I wanted something to get me in the mood, you feel me? Yeah? And no, they've played '00 songs that made me want to cry. But yeah. I did my make up. I don't really love it, but it will be fine. Then I've decided I still don't know what to wear. I tried three, maybe four different outfits, but none of them satisfied me. Like, literally, something was not right and I was just getting more and more pissed off. Finally, I chose an outfit and then I've remembered I didn't do anything with my hair. So I turn the straightener on, I sit in front of the mirror, I start doing stuff and by the end I wanted to shave my head. As I mentioned, I slept with wet hair so it means all the front side did whatever they wanted to and didn't listen to me at all. Deep breath. On top of all of this, I still dont have light in my room, so obviously I cant see shit. I should probably mention that I've started packing so there is everything everywhere. Not safe to walk here. I hit my knee in my nightstand more times than I can count.
Anyway. I went to the bathroom, to see myself in the big mirror and ugh. Ok, yeah, maybe no one will notice what I notice, but I see so many flaws today. Not just today, I've seen all of my flaws for the past few days. That's what period does to me - I hate every bit of myself and I'm so not in the mood I want to kill somebody.
Deep breath.

Ok. I'm gonna be fine. Hair looks pretty much fine, make up looks pretty much fine, clothes... mh, could be better, but I can't be bothered with it. I really hope there will be no assholes trying to annoy me. Smile, Judita, smile. Tips tips tips, right? It's pretty hard when nothing goes right.

I hope you guys are having better day than me, though. I need something to eat. God, seriously, nothing goes my way today, I don't have time for anything decent.

Coffee ;3

talk to you later, sweeties x

love you so much xx

like, literally. It's easier to draw something than to make those wings even. Gif is from 'lostcocuk' thank you ;3

That lazy morning

Goooooooood Morning ;3

How are you today?^-^

I'm good, thanks. Well, as good as it can get, I suppose. It's Friday today! I get to work at the club which is always exciting ;3
To be fair, I have no idea what to write. I was staring at the screen for a few minutes just thinking of what to say. Funny thing is, I really want to write something, since I know there are people who read this. Or maybe I couldn't write because I was having my 'breakfast'. And by breakfast I mean some porridge and coffee. Like, if coffee was food, I could live on it. Too bad my aunties don't think it's a meal material.
I don't remember if I told you that my light in the room is gone. Like, it's been a week now. SO the only light I get at night is from my fairy light near the bed and from my laptop. I have to admit, it's pretty romantic. The only problem is, it's just me and Brad and he kills all the mood by being quiet. All he wants to do is cuddle, that pillow needs help, I tell ya.
But that doesn't stop me from watching Disney movies. Yesterday I've finally saw 'Up' and let me tell you, I didn't cry! I really wanted to, but I was brave and I didn't. It was such a nice movie tho. Made me think about my Grandma. I miss her so much, she's the coolest person I know. I'd love to call her, but then again, I have no way of doing so. I'll have to wait until she remembers to call me haha

Ok, no, I can't write yet, I'm still sleepy and lazy. talk you you later, sweeties xx

gif from '

dreamsntangles

' and OMG GUYS I FINALLY CAUGHT EEVEE!!! thank you for sharing the gif, btw ;3

Bit of my evening

Holly Molly of Triton

As for today, my blog was refreshed 70 times. Like, seriously, guys, what are you doing here? ^-^' I'm obviously really pleased but before it was never more than 30 refreshes of the pages. I'm really confused.. I haven't done any advertising for this apart from the link in my facebook description, but who would think I'm that interesting? I'm a boring person :|

The fact that someone read my blog so many times, I must be wrong, but then again, what's interesting about me then? Is it my hopeless attempts to find love? Is it my problems? Is it the way I talk? I need answers :|

Anyway.

I told you this morning that I was happy. That I woke up in a good mood and I would stay in it all day. Well that was a filthy lie. I got my mood ruined as soon as I went to work. I obviously had to wait around 10 minutes for them to unlock the doors, then I obviously had nothing to do, so I read "Game of Thrones" on my phone. Then by the end of the evening he pointed out my mistakes from before as if he ever taught me how to fill the bills. Either way, while walking home I was shivering and I couldn't understand why. Until I realised I was afraid of something. The park I walk through was still full of people, mostly high teenagers. I felt so insecure. Near the campus, there were guys who catcalled me and it was so awful. I thought I'm going to run home and we all know I hate running. Anyway, I walked the rest of the way. I went into my room, got into my night robe, called my aunt and talked with her for a bit. She, obviously, didn't make my evening better.
And now I've realised I haven't had anything proper to eat. My breakfast was coffee with toasted bread, my lunch was tea with chocolate, at work I ate mints and small cookies (and I got a bit of flat bread or whatever it's called) and that's all. I do feel quite hungry, but I literally have no energy to go to the kitchen and make myself some food.
Is that a sign of depression? Am I going through that shit again? I hate feeling like this.

But as long as I have all of you, I'm going to be fine. Love you xx

God I miss that feeling when someone kisses me. Sorry :|

gif is from 'd-e-c-o-m-p-r-e-s-s' thank you so much ;3

I can bitch about anyone to her

Hi again!

To be fair, I'm just really really bored, so this will most likely make no sense :|

I was messaging my best friend and saying how I have nothing to talk about here and she suggested talking about her (with an addition that there is nothing to talk about) and now I just have to prove her wrong, because, you know, I always find something to say.

First of all, I'd like to point out that we were friends for 9 years now. She was the person who introduced me to rpg world and I'm forever grateful for it. I'm really really glad she had the patience to teach me all the basics, because personally, I would have told myself to fuck off :|
As you might have guessed, I met her online. We haven't talked on the phone or met in real life for a few years until one summer (I remember it as the coolest summer ever ;3) we finally organized our first meet. I was so excited! And my family was so totally nervous. My uncle drove me to her town (mostly to check if my friend is not some kind of creep who hunts young girls lol) and I spent week at her place. It was so strange and so exciting. I loved every moment of that week. And it was so sad for it to end. I can't really remember how I got home, I think I took the bus, but still, it was awesome. To be fair, I can't remember whether we went to my place just after my visit to hers, but I know she came over soon after. Anyway, we haven't met a lot of times, but it was enough to know she's my friend for life. She was always there when I needed her, I tried being there when she needed me. Literally, she helped me to go through some serious shit. I could never ever repay her. Even if we had our share of fights, I still love her so much.
She is the first person I want to call if I'm having a bad day. She's the first one to hear about my new crushes and my heartbreaks (lolz). God, she even loves my stupid puns and jokes that no one else understands. She's my #1 when anything interesting happens in my life.
BUT.
She told me yesterday that she doesn't read my blog anymore, which made me sad. Obvs, she knows everything and more that happens here, but still, it would be nice of her to read it, right? So you do realise I told her that I'm writing about her at this very moment. And noooow she's interested. God, I'm not surprised I'm a diva, look who is around me. I love her so much.

oh, and she asked me not to share her secrets, so obviously now I must do it.

Ready?

You sure?

She's really inconsistent when it comes to ship me with someone. She literally ships me with anyone I mention. Gurl, choose one, I'm getting confused :|

anyway, love you all x

'coloursong' gif is from this blog, love it so much ;3

Awesome morning, what else can I say?

Gooooooood morning my sweeties ;3

I'm in a good mood today ^-^ can't really figure out why, but I'm in a good mood. I hope to stay in it for the rest of the day!!

If I had to guess, my good mood  is because of the rain. Or the fact that I slept like an angel. Or.. OOOORRRR.... or I woke up and saw that the guy I fancy liked one of my photos.

Yep. Definitely it. It's so easy to make my day, right? I saw it and I jumped out of bed all giggly and smiley and I texted my best friend (well, obviously) and now I'm eating my breakfast, trying not to exaggerate the situation. Plus, I'm listening to Panic! at the disco song. Well, for now, I'm loving my morning (by morning I mean it's already 1 pm)

Also, it's Thursday, which means tomorrow I'm gonna work at the club again! I don't know why, but I just freaking love working there. It's gonna be interesting next week when my walks there won't be 5 minutes. God, it's gonna be so annoying to walk there for 15-20 minutes. And then walk back after that. Cuz I'm sure you guys realise I'm so not taking taxi. Should I buy a pepper spray? I mean, I will be walking through the park when it's dark and then when it's really early. But is there really a point to it? If I spray someone, I obviously would have to run for my life and I'm so not doing that. I can't run. So I should probably just start exercising or something, so I could knock someone out and then walk away.
Ah, what am I talking about. It's a beautiful day and I'm going to enjoy all of it. I should probably pack some more stuff as well. I have so much stuff I have no idea how to get everything out of here. Thank God for my Flatmate who will help me. I mean, maybe I could bring all my belongings down and call the taxi, but that means money, and we all know I have none. And I promised her I'm gonna help her move when it's her turn. Gonna be awesome. I like her a lot, she's so cool ;3

anyway, since it's just morning, I have nothing to talk about, so I'm gonna go and enjoy my morning coffee and lithuanian chocolate. God I love my life <3

love you all as well x

gif from 'gameraboy' thank you so much it's so adorable ;333

Fight me, babe

'Guys

Guys

This is important.

My cousin removed me from his Facebook friends.

I don't know if I can survive that.

LOL

obvs I can.

Let me tell you what happened, because you're obviously shocked knowing how much I care for my family. So I was looking at the fitness challenges and stuff like that and I texted him to get some tips or anything like that. I knew he is rude person, but I'm quite good at ignoring it, until he went on a rant that he doesn't care what I do because I'm a wannabe and I won't get any results or anything like that. Trust me, it's hard to get me out of my 'zone', but if you do, I'm the most terrible person you'll ever see. So we got into this huge fight over facebook and he told me to never text him again and I told him he's a horrible person and I now understand why he has no friends. Like, don't get me wrong, I love my family, but it's just so hard with him. Technically, he's not even my blood relative. He is my Godmother's and Godfather's son, I grew up with him (he actually lived with me and my Mum for a while) so he's like my brother, not even cousin. And for a while now I was the only one from that side of the family who still cared about him, and I was the one to tell everyone that he's brave to chase his dreams, because I couldn't do that. And they all were laughing at him, saying he'll be broke and stuff like that. I defended him. And obviously I told him that. I also told him I don't believe in what I was saying to others. His dream is stupid. Sorry, but it is. He might fulfil it, I know he could, but it's a long shot. He needs money for it, he needs to be able to afford chasing his dream. Just last week he asked me to lend him some money. Today he told me he hates when people do that.
Anyway. Not he only removed me from his fb friends, he also removed my aunties. We had a good laugh about it. I love my family and they all are really dear to me, but even they cannot talk to me as if I'm lower that a fucking trash. As I said for a million times, no one can hurt me without my permission and he didn't get that at all. It's his choice to be an asshole.

Anyway, hope you guys are having a great day, because I obviously do xx

'animatedtext ' thanks for this gif ;3

My blog.

My sweet Pies, Hello!

I still can't believe how many times by blog was viewed yesterday. It's so awesome ;3 tho it got me thinking that this probably means that I have more readers now. And since I have more readers, that means I don't know who they are. Ahh, this is so interesting! *Sherlock Holmes mood on*
Anyway, even if I do want to know who reads my blog, because it just makes everything... easier (?) I don't mind you guy keeping it a secret from me. Oh, why easier, you ask? Well, in this case, people who read my blog have an idea of who I am. What topics are kind of a taboo for me and so on. God, I put all of me in here. If someone whom I don't know reads this, they probably know about me as much as one of my good friends.
That reminds me. I had a discussion with the lithuanian guy that I met recently. I was talking about my blog, how I love writing there and he told me he'd never ever write about himself and publish it on the interned. Especially with personal topics and personal info and stuff like that. To be fair, I had that fear at first. But then again, did I mention any names apart my own? Not really. I didn't tell you my address either. You might know how I feel every time someone mentions my Mum and talks about a guy I have a crush on, but damn, you do not know where I live. Tho I bet most ppl who read my blog are my friends and they do know this information. But that's not relevant right now. I'm talking about people who haven't met me. What I'm trying to say, he pointed out that this is going to be here for ever. Well, I'm fine. I have nothing to worry about. I have nothing to hide and I know what I should keep just to myself or at least talk about my really personal stuff with my best friend instead of talking about it on my blog. I was always envy of people who made vlogs, but as for me, I don't like talking, I prefer writing. Obvs, I do talk when I'm with someone, but again, that's not relevant. I wanted to start a blog long time ago, but I've always had problem of being consistent. I got bored and I quit for quite a few times. But this one was different, because I've started it as one of my classwork. Our lecturer told us to have a blog and there I was the same day, creating it. And I'm so thankful to her that she told us to keep writing it.
Now that was a long talk about this page, huh? Before starting, I was checking my facebook and I had a status yesterday about how it's hard to fix my blog and from the people who liked it, I realised that I was quite right yesterday, when I mentioned that it should be strange for people who just started to read my blog, because they don't know so much. Like, yes, I have shared link to this blog on my facebook, in my description, so naturally who were interested, they could find it. There are almost two hundred posts here, I bet that would take a while to read all of them. I mean, yeah, there are few who are really short, but then I remember those who are pretty long.
Anyway, if anyone new has any questions, please, leave a comment on any post, I'll make sure to reply ;)

Love you lots and lots xx

Oh my God that's like the cutest gif ever ;333 gif from 'hand' and thank you so much ;3

Work work work work work *sings*

There, I think I fixed it.

You might notice some changes, but I promise, I'm still the same person.

haha

that was lame.

By the way guys, I've noticed that as for today, I had a lot of views on my blog. Like, a lot. Thank you for caring about me ^-^

Changes

Ok, so I made one huge change on my blog right now.
I changed my admin email. I've been trying to do this for months now and finally I did it.
The problem is, now I'm not going to post as 'PieForPresident' and it shows my real name, which is pretty stupid. I mean, you guys know my name is Judita, but c'mon, that should be enough.

I'm gonna try to fix this asap. If anyone has any help with it, please, message me asap x

One day vacation

I went to my aunties ^-^

Hello there, by the way ;3

so, yeah, I got paid a bit extra and went to my aunties to get my package from my other auntie (I have loads of aunts, I know). I have to say, it was surprisingly nice to wake up early and catch the train. And then wake up early again and catch another train. I forgot how nice it is. I should travel more (my bank account laughs from this statement). Anyway, I finally got clothes I so desperately wanted for so long and I can't be more happy about it. Especially about my night robe that looks like yukata. I literally wanna live in it.
But yeah, now I have like 3 or 4 more outfits for a casual dates so please, have that in mind or I'm gonna use them just for walks to town, which will be just sad because they'll be perfect ;3

Anyway, I had pretty great day. I went there and I spend my day outside, trying to tan a bit (no chance, UK weather doesn't like me), I played with my cousin who honestly looked scared of me and then I ate lithuanian food (bless my aunties Mum, who got lithuanian stuff from our country when she came over). It was so good I wanted to eat everything, but didn't want to look rude, so, obviously, I just ate the biggest normal portion I got. (for my lithuanian readers, it was 'Balandėliai'. So freaking good <3 )
I texted my Godfather that I'm in town (it's such a village compared to Leicester) but apparently he wasn't really in the mood to meet up with me. Which is quite sad, because I did tell you I haven't seen him in ages now. But hey, if he doesn't want to, I'm fine with it. Less relatives to congratulate on their birthdays and stuff.

I've been there for less than 24 hours and it was enough to see why I didn't want relationship in the first place. My auntie and her husband were fighting about literally everything. So awkward. I'm obviously really good at ignoring the awkwardness, but still. It wasn't really nice to see them like that. They look so lovely together, but after yesterday it seems like it's just for the outside eyes or whatever it's called. I wish they could live happily, they suit together ;/
Talking about relationship, my heart and mind is so lost right now I don't even know what to think. Can I just focus on loving myself and if someone wants me to love them they can just let me know? Because I'm literally so bored of 'oh my Goood he's sooooo cute, I like him so much' and then the next day it's like 'you know what, he's a total jerk, I hate him'. I don't understand if someone likes me until they literally tell me so. So have in mind, if you wanna go on a date with me, you're gonna have to somehow tell me. Because I might seem really confident, but I totally can't ask anyone out. And there is someone I'd love to ask out, but there I am, complaining about how no one likes me.

I wanna kiss someone. I miss the feeling of being kissed by someone. Even if it's at the stupid club by a drunk boy whom I will never see again. I miss being held by someone in their hands, it's so calming and nice. I need this. I feel lonely.

Ok, shit, stop, I'm getting really personal here. I mean, I have Brad, what else can I need, right?

By the way, I just figured out that if someone just started to read my blog, they probably have no idea who Brad is. Brad is my cuddling-pillow which I got as a Christmas present. God, if someone just started reading my blog, I must sound like a slut. Sorry :|

gif from 'ultrafunnypictures' - I follow this blog, it's so amazing. Thank you for posting awesome stuff ;3

It all kind of relates to my work, tbf

I broke my ruuuule ;(
Like, I know it's just me that's responsible for my actions, but yesterday... well, you know, yesterday. I wasn't really feeling in the mood at work, which, you can imagine, is not a good thing, yeah? And I was starring at all the bottles there, thinking that I could really use a drink. I mean, I told myself I shouldn't be drinking anymore and I spent probably a month absolutely sober, but yesterday.. yeah, I... I kind of broke my rule and had a cocktail. And the worst part is, it didn't make me feel any better, on top of everything I felt was guilt that I actually drank. Shame on me, I know.

Oh, and the only guy who knew how to make cocktails from the meniu quit, so I'll have to come an hour early and learn how to make them. Like, I don't mind, at least I'm gonna learn something, but again, we all know I'm not confident enough to do them. I barely can pour drinks from bottles, not to mention mixing them and making something more difficult. Ah, firetruck me.

I guess it's my pms talking, tho. I feel so annoyed about everything. I don't know why, but literally everything annoys me. I can't even explain it, but I just want to stay in my bed and avoid any conversations that I can have. Like, I'm pretty sure everyone at the club thinks I'm a weirdo because I barely talk with anyone. To be fair (well, in my defence) I have nothing to say to them. I don't know how to talk with them. Or what to talk about. During the night, yeah, we can talk about people we serve, drinks we make and stuff like that. But when the music is off I just want to finish up quickly and just go back home, to bed. And I hear them talking about weather (or whatever) and I literally can't think of anything I could say.
Like, people who met me recently, not the co-workers, know that I don't mind talking shit. Like, I can go on for hours about stuff that happened to me and something not important, but I don't feel like I can do the same thing with these guys. Like, I do like them, they're pretty cool, all of them, but... I don't know. I never liked mixing friendship and work. Like, I'm friends with one of the guys from my fundraising job, but that's because we don't work together anymore. I could never ask someone from the club to hang out with me, because I just wouldn't know if that's appropriate. See my problem? I want to be appropriate.

That reminds me. Remember the lithuanian guy I met recently? I don't want to be a bitch (or maybe it's my pms talking) but he starts to annoy me so much. Like, I understand, we both are pretty busy and stuff, but whenever we talk now, he just talks stuff that obviously makes no sense and annoy the fuck out of me. Like, he's sweetheart and all, but honestly, if he thinks our friendship is going somewhere further, he is really wrong.

Talking about that. For the first time in a few months, I actually went to sleep with someone else than my ultimate crush in my head. Which is pretty fucked up, because let's face it, the person I had in my mind is no better than my ultimate crush. Why do I crush on guys who are way out of my league? God I'm probably the most stupid girl ever. And to be fair, I've noticed that whenever I have a crush on someone, it's really, like REALLY, hard to find anything to tell them. I mean, I don't mind the silence, but I feel obligated to talk. Manners, that's my problem.

Oh, I've noticed that I am quite flirty person. I mean, I'm so used to smile to people and talk nicely to them and just be generally nice that it's often confused with flirting. I mean, no one told me this yet, but I obviously observe it myself. Like, I would treat guy ordering a drink like any other person and he would be 'oh, can I get your number?' or 'oh, I like you' and then there would be me just like 'aaaah. no. but thanks. Like, seriously, no. But thanks for trying'. And the worst thing, I can't help myself. I would still smile to them and I would still be really nice which annoys me. I mean, I can't be rude, because they are customers, but still, if anyone confuses my niceness with flirt, it's their problem. And then when I actually want to flirt with someone, I just sound childish.
The longer I talk about it, the more confused I get. I should stop myself.

Anyway, there is this one guy I recently met that I really, and I mean REALLY, would like to take out for coffee. Hell, I would even pay for the coffee as long as he's with me. But my tyny tiny problem is, I could never ask him out, because I'm too shy. Well, obviously my loss, but oh well.

 I talked about guys quite a lot, haven't I? I remember someone said to me that they wouldn't be surprised if I eventually turned out to be a lesbian (I think it was one of my guys because of how I'd watch sexy video clips with the same enthusiasm they did) and honestly, I do notice hot, attractive girls in the club that I would totally love to make out with, but that's about it. And girls I do meet, they usually are no more than friend type. So am I really bisexual then? I'm confused about this. I need someone to tell me where do I belong.

Anyway, love you, I'm gonna go now. I don't have light in my room anymore, so I kind of have to use the most of the natural light haha

ttyl xx

 gif from 'sizvideos' thanks ;3

The only day in year when I don't want to be happy at all

Hey sweeties ;3

I wanted t write my blog, but I really couldn't think of anything to write about. Plus, with all this heat it's hard to really concentrate on anything, you feel me?
Anyway.
I still don't have any specific topic to talk about, but you know me, I'm just gonna write whatever comes to my mind.

First of all, two more weeks and I'm going to move. It's going to be so... exhausting? Exciting? Strange? I don't know how to describe it. I'm just hoping everything will go smoothly as expected. Like, you do know I really struggled with my rent money and shit like that, but I figured it out for this month. Somehow. But I won't talk about it until everything is over so the karma wouldn't hit me. But yeah, I'm kind of excited for this as well. I'll have to spend all day moving and cleaning my room and decorating my new room and then just... getting familiar with my new house. It's going to be sooooo strange. I can't wait. I kind of need someone to help me move, because I have tons of stuff, but then again, since I don't have a car, I'm gonna use my luggage with wheels so I wouldn't have to carry it all the way. Because this new place is like 10 minutes away from where I live now. So... yeah, that's going to be a lot of walking. Anyone wants to help me and has a spare bag with wheels? let me know ^-^

Oh, right. Can we talk about boys for a minute? I know I talk about them a lot, but for the past few days it's been a mess in my head. I think my brain is becoming more and more desperate for someone by my side, because apparently, I now can't tell whether I have one big crush on specific someone or I divided my crushing abilities to few people. Like, All of them are out of my league (or they are out of mine haha... ok, I'm lame, sorry) but then again, I realised I have a habit to fall for someone I can't have. well, it's not the first time, is it. Anyway, I'm having these weird-ass-dreams where someone is taking me on a date and then another guy shows up and then I'm confused which one I like more and then I wake up. Maybe that's why I've been sleeping for at least 10 hours every night (tho that's probably because I go to sleep around 4). Anyway, boys. So much trouble, right?

Yeah, about my sleep. I fucked up my sleeping schedule, but since I'm working evenings, everything is ok. What annoys me more is that I don't eat balanced food. Like, I wake up, I have coffee and toasted bread, then before work I eat some boiled eggs or more toasted bread. Then I come back from work and have tea with tortilla wrap with cheese. Carbs, carbs everywhere! Ok, I had pasta for breakfast today, so that's something different, but you see my point, right? Can you see any meat in my meals? No? That's right, no meat. I'm basically a vegetarian now. God damn that poor life. Though as long as I get to eat something, it's fine. Obvs, I could be eating at work, but the only time we're alowed to eat is at 6 pm and I'm not hungry then. So, yeah, if anyone wants to feed me something more interesting than what I've mentioned, please, pm me, we're gonna arrange that date (hahahaha, spoil me please).

You guys do know I'm an attention whore, right? And that's why I absolutely love working at the club. I get so much attention it makes me want to hide, but then again, it boosts my self-esteem so much. But yeah, talking about attention, when I get it from wrong people, it's annoying. And the people I would love to get attention from just ignore me. Fuckers, right?
OMG THAT REMINDS ME. A few months back (now you'll think I'm a narccissist, which I kind of am) I was looking at the mirror in the bathroom (no clothes obvs) and I really hated what I saw. I'm not talking about belly thing, I always hated it. But I was looking at my thighs and butt and it was all cellulites and stuff like that (yeah, I have a lot of that, fuck me, right?) but now, I looked at it again yesterday and OH MY GOD. It has changed so much, I could barely recognise it! (I'm bragging about my ass, that's like the most stupid thing I was ever proud of). All the walking totally repaid itself and I'm so happy ;3 now if it would help to fix my belly, it would be awesome. I mean, I didn't even put much effort in my legs. And obvs I'd need to eat healthier, which, we all know, is nope from me. I could start excercising, but hey, who has time for that, right?

I think I should stop here, right? I mean, before I say too much haha

love you guys, talk to you later xx

p.s. I'm pretty sure I won't be writing anything tomorrow, because that day, but hey, we all know I'm unpredictible, right?

 I mean, look at that gif. Look at it. Thank you 'bolivianwars' for posting it ^-^
I'm quite happy today so I'd love to dance like that as well.
The problem is, I hate this day. Because I was really happy three years ago and then in the morning the most horrible thing in my life happened. I can't let myself be happy on this day. Ever. Sorry.

I hope you guys have a great day, tho x

It doesn't make any sense

I feel like my blog consists of like four things: work, money, crushes and my family.

I'm guessing it's quite boring after some time, isn't it? But honestly, there is nothing happening in my life. I don't have a boyfriend, I don't have money, I do have work and family and that's about it. So I brag about those two and I cry about what I don't have.
I could talk about terrible things that are happening in the world, but honestly, will it change anything? I hate the idea of people being killed because of someone's beliefs. If you believe you have to kill everyone, start with yourself then. Others don't believe in dying because of your ideas. I hate it so much it pains me to read about this. Why do people act this way anyway?

I can't even talk about it. Seriously, it's just so stupid.

Overall, 2016 is absolutelly shitty year so far. So many great people passed away, so many attacks happened, everything is just going downhill. Why? why is everything so unstable?
Ok, I don't even want to talk about it. To be fair, I don't want to talk at all. I'm just so freaking bored. I've been trying to find something to do for the past two hours and I couldn't. I cant even think straight now, it seems like my brain has shut down or something. Maybe I'm too tired. Or maybe I'm just sick of everything.

Anyway.

Talk to you later guys x

What can I say.

Men are so stupid I can't even

Sorry, not all of them. But at least yesterday I've seen plenty of drunk dudes trying to hit on me. As much as it was hilarious and I chuckled most of my shift, I didn't want any of it. All started with innocent flirt with one of my co-workers. He's really cool, that's what I can tell. Like, he plays Pokemon Go and we literally did that for two hours while it was empty. Then obviously it got busier with people who actually drink, so we had to start working.
Anyway, I hated the way two of my bosses friends just came up, being drunk and started shouting something I have to do after closing the bar. I took me a few minutes to understand they were telling me to go to some kind of place with them. Disco, probably? Anyway, after I laughed and said no, they smiled and said I will. That was so creepy. But they were gone soon enough, so I couldn't be bothered about it. I had a job to do, right?
Then there was this other guy that made me laugh so hard with his pick up line. He and his friend ordered their drinks and he was like 'oh, I think my phone is broken, it doesn't have your number in it'. Seriously, I have read this pick-up line before, but I haven't heard it and it was... well, funnier than I thought. After saying sorry, I saw him blowing kisses my way a few times in the same evening and just ignored it. I'm good at ignoring that kind of things.
Then there was another friend of my boss who tried to persuade me to drink. He was like 'yeah, I'll buy you a drink' and it took me good five minutes to explain to him that I don't drink. Like, you guys know me, I can't drink around ppl I don't trust and there were way too many guys whom I don't trust. So after he gave up on that, he started asking if I like coffee. I mean, I'm a coffee maniac, so I obviously said yes. Then he started talking something about having cup of coffee in highcross at lunch and there was another 'nope, sorry' from me.
I'm not saying they were rude or anything, but most of them are like 10 years older. I mean, I can smile and talk with them, but God, it's so uncomfortable when they try to flirt with me. I mean, yeah, I do look older with my make up and stuff, but still.

And that reminds me. I was talking with my uncle and grandma yesterday. They were at my aunties place and let me tell you this - I'm kind of mad at my auntie from the day before. Like, I was talking with my relatives about weather or smth and I heard her starting her rant about my money problems again. She was like 'Screw your pride, find a rich man and be his side chick so he'd pay for everything for you'. I mean, she was absolutely serious. She literally told me to go and screw an older guy because of money. I could feel how my grandma and uncle got quiet for a moment and then I pointed out that 'Oh, guys, have you heard, my aunt just told me to be a prostitute' and my uncle made sure she didn't talk about it anymore. The day before, just before I had to go to work, she called me and went on for about 10 minutes that I should quit my current jobs, go to my Godmother, beg for some illegal job and make some money for like a few months ahead. I mean, yeah, it would be good money, but then again, I'd get back to Leicester with no work and it won't be easy to find another one when uni year will start, because everyone will be looking for a job. Yeah, I'm totally in debt, but at least I try, ok? She went on even if she could hear me nearly crying. So you can imagine how angry I am with her. Like, I wouldn't answer the call no more, but then again, I miss my brother and sister so much, I want to hear their voice and talk with them, but that means that I'll have to listen to her again. I really don't want to talk with her anymore. I love her so much, but whenever we talk, she just makes me feel like a piece of shit. Even worse.

Anyway, I'm not ruining my good mood today, so I'm stopping right here. I really need to clean my room, it looks terrible 3:

'lilpieceofmyworld' yeah, at least I try not to. But with family like that, it's really freaking hard. thanks for sharing this gif ;3

Nightmare (!?)

Pokemon Go.

I suppose that says everything why I haven't been posting anything for a few days now. I've been out and out to catch 'em all, so, you know. I'm level 10 now ad I'm literally crying since I have no data to play it somewhere further away than dmu campus or town centre. Anyway, it is a fun game and it makes me exercise more (walking is a good exercise, shut up).

But that's really not what I want to talk about. I had a nightmare today. Sounds stupid, I know. But it wasn't about monsters or anything like that. I wouldn't be concerned about it at all in the first place. It was something I'm kind of afraid of.
A bit of a back story: I was chatting with some guys a few days ago and I told them I have a boyfriend so they wouldn't be too nasty. I'm guessing if any other girl does it, she, as me, thinks of a specific person when lying about this boyfriend. I had a person in my mind as well but so happends he's not in Leicester atm. So these guys were like 'you do realise he's not faithful to you, right?' and I told them I completly don't care as long as I don't know. They tried to persuade me he's cheating and stuff and it made me chuckle. Like, we had a chat about it and I forgot about this five minutes afterwards.
But tonight I had a dream about something that was bothering me in the corner of my mind. You guys do know I have an ultimate crush between my other crushes, so obviously in my dream it was him. And we were sitting somewhere near the river with another older man who was somehow really connected with us. A mentor, maybe. Anyway, he asked my crush about one moment we had together and he started saying how he doesn't care about me in that way and it was kind of heartbreaking. Now, I do understand it was a dream and I do understand I don't have right to be hurt by those words because we're not dating, but... but I still managed to wake up with that feeling when I'm near crying. So, yeah. The words from my dream were ringing in my head all day.
Now, I never truly understood the concept of being faithful. My mindset always was 'They live their life, I live mind and it's just really nice if we're in each other's life' and I always thought it's absolutely up to that other person of what he does. Or who he does. Anyway, what I'm trying to say, I always thought I wouldn't be upset by the thought of my partner being unfaithful. I mean, it would hurt that I'm not enough and stuff like that, but why would anyone want to control someone elses life and their choices? We all have one life and we all want to take all from it. If someone I love wanted to try and love someone else, who am I to stop him?

Ok, I'm getting really deep into it. Back to my nightmare. I kind of know that the person I like and the person that was in my dream has someone else in their life. The only thing that keeps me from closing all the doors to this 'relationship' with him is one stupid detail I'm not talking about.
The stupid thing is, I don't want relationship. Well, I kind of do, but I was thinking that I'm not a responsible person. If I go out, I usually make out with a stranger, if we play a game in a group, I'm usually the one up to make out with someone. If I had a relationship with someone, I would be afraid to hang out with other people or go out because I wouldn't trust myself. Because my problem is, I don't think kissing is cheating. And even if I think I would be ok with my partner cheating, I don't think I would feel good knowing I love someone and still kiss someone else.
To be fair, I have troubles going out now. Like, that person is usually in my mind at least for half the day and I can remember the last time I went clubbing, I couldn't enjoy a handsome guy kissing me because I automatically thought about my crush and it made me feel guilty. And we're not even dating. It sucks, I tell you that.

What I'm trying to say (I'm a confused person, we all know this) is that I either need to stop crushing over a guy I can't have or I have to find a way to change this. We all know I have no idea how to do that. Especially when I know that other party is not interested.
I need help. I'm too clingy.

My theory is that I see way too many couples around and I just want to have the same thing. I see everyone enjoying the happiness that love brings and I want to have that as well. You guys do know how important happiness is to me.

Anyway, sorry for bothering you about this. I really needed to tell this to someone. Love you all guys x

gif is from 'sensualkisses' Thanks for it ;)

Emotional wreck.

You know, for the past few days I thought I want to cry.
Like, I don't know how to explain this. I over thought stuff and it made me emotional but you know what stopped me from bursting into tears? Make up. Seriously, my eyeliner was so on point I honestly thought it's not worth it. I almost lost it at work yesterday, I was about to run to the bathroom to have like 5-10 minutes break and cry, but I knew I'd look like shit afterwards and it was quite busy so I concentrated on smiling to people and pouring drinks and by the end of my shift I was too tired to even think, so I got home, took the make up off and went to bed.
But now I have no where to go and obviously I'm not wearing any make up and I think it might be time to get those emotions out. It sounds stupid, doesn't it? I mean, I've been containing them for two, maybe three days and now I'm sitting in my room, trying to remember why I was so upset about. Probably money. It's always money, isn't it? And Mum. I was thinking about Her a lot lately. And someone mentioned Her yesterday just before my shift and I can't even describe how hard it was not to be late for work.
I realised I stopped thinking about Her as much as I used to. I mean, I still think of Her daily and stuff, but it's not as emotional as it used to be. Or maybe it's just those few days that I had. To be honest, it doesn't feel like a good month for me. I mean, yeah, it's 12 until the day I got the call about Her. It's 12 days and it's gonna be three years when I lost Her. And it's still hard for me to believe She's actually gone. And I still haven't found a person who could be even a little part of what She was to me. I'm still trying to find someone I could talk to the way I talked with my Mum. My Aunties said they're always there for me, but they are so different from Her. I don't know how, but Mum always knew what to say. Like, I don't know how to explain it, but take my Aunt who's my guardian. She always talks how the life is unfair and how it's always worse to her and others and stuff like that - she can take any topic and twist it to this. That's why I don't want to bother her with my problems, I hate the way she talks about life, it makes me feel even worse. Then there is another auntie, but I'm quite scared to talk about anything serious with her, because she's really strict. If I mention any boy she gets mad and tries to convince me I shouldn't be hanging out with any of them. If I say it's hard for me to live, because of my poor income, she starts a rant about how I shouldn't have left Lithuania. I mean, I love both of them so so much, but they are so different from my Mum. She could always say something about boys I liked that made me feel better. If I told her I like them, She would start talking about good sides of theirs, She'd start joking around about the embarrassing couple moments we'd have and stuff like that. I'm not quite sure how She'd handle my money problem now, though. I wasn't old enough when She.. you know. But I bet She'd find a way as well.
You know, I regret that I haven't taken more pictures of us together. I don't have many pics of us and it breaks my heart, honestly. I wish I could look at Her with me and remember how close we were. And now I have a few pictures from where I was a child and a few pictures on our last birthday together. I miss Her so much.

I suppose you can call it a post about friendzone?

Ok, serious topic.
My best friend has a crush on a guy. So Obviously, I'm a therapist now, right?
Let me tell you a bit of back story. She was kind of crushing on this guy, let's call him guy A for a moment and they were having a party at someones house and then she kind of fell asleep near guy B. Like, I don't think I remember everything correctly, but the point is, with a bit of talking and spending time together at group's parties, my friend kind of fell for the guy B. As what she texted me and what we've talked about, it seemed to me she really liked him and he kind of liked her back.
But now, yesterday, they had like a huge weekend away party at someones beach house or something and she was sooooo excited because he was going there as well. And I got a text later that day, that he's there with his girlfriend.
I mean, you kind of can understand that she was more or less heartbroken. And my baby is really sensitive person. Like, she gets sad really easily and it's really hard to cheer her up. I told her not to be near him, but then again, guy B is always everywhere (you know that kind of guy who does everything everywhere). She didn't really want to talk about it, so I went to work and left her be. I know when she needs space.

But that's not the point here. I know she hates my optimism and strong mentality, but I can't help it. I told her that it's not fair for her to be sad when he's the one that lost her. She told me she likes him, so that's fair and I told her she's wrong. She is one of the most wonderful people I've met in my life and she was one of the reasons why I didn't kill myself after my Mum's funeral. She is that kind of person who'd always bring a smile to your face and makes jokes just to make you laugh. I love her with all my heart and I would kill anyone who'd dare to hurt her. So you can imagine how much I hate this guy B at the moment, even if I haven't even met him. I told her that a girl like her doesn't need a guy who wouldn't appreciate what he has. I asked her to repeat to herself that she likes him as a friend. I asked her to see him as a person who she likes not in a romantic way. I know it's not as easy as it sounds, I told her she'll need to tell this to herself every fucking day and eventually she will believe it.

And then she said 'whatever'. My friend, who never, and I repeat, EVER, brushed off my advice, just said it to me. I mean, c'mon, I have crushes as well, I know what it's like to see them with someone else. I don't remember the last time I cried for a guy. I'd rather find another reason to cry if I ever wanted to cry about the boy, but he will not be the main reason for my tears. I will not let another person make me sad just because they live their life and so happens I wish they lived their life with me as a part of it. You may think I talk nonsense, but honestly, if a person doesn't like you back, it's his loss. You are the most amazing person you can be and no one has a right to make you feel like shit. As for me, you guys know my story. I have a tendency to fall for my best friend who is usually a guy. I am not denying, I cried over my first crush A LOT. Like, it was devastating and I was heartbroken and it sucked, everything was so bad I wanted to stay in my room forever. And then I got over him. How? I started noticing bits that I didn't like about him, I saw what kind of girls he liked and it made me realise that I am way better than them. That he does not deserve ME. I have a crush now, but you know what? I never cried over the fact I can't call him my boyfriend. I spend time with him, I notice every little detail in what he does, I notice good and bad things and yes, I do think I deserve him and he deserves me, but you know what? If it's not gonna happen, I'm not going to whine about it. Why? because that's life. You live, you get your heart broken, you become in love again and then again and again.... These things happens. But it doesn't mean I'm going to let myself cry over something that didn't even happen. Even if I wanted it to happen. I live my life to be happy, not miserable. I spent way too much time being sad and crying over not important stuff. It's time I forget about them and play my happiness game.

Please, read a book for me, ok?

This. This is a book I love so much it makes me cry every time I read it. And I read it quite a lot. I know it's supposed to be children's book, but every time I read it, it reminds me that life is about living. And living means enjoying it. Please, read it and tell me what do you think. I have no idea how I'd have gone without this book in my life.