Oh my dear insomnia...

Guys!!

Remember when I started my blog, I was complaining about my sleep walking? Well, not I can't sleep. Seriously. It's the second day I'm ready for bet at 9~ish pm and I end up going to sleep around 2 am. And it's not just for two days. I get back from work at 12, tired as fuck, and still I can't sleep. I lay in bed counting sheep in my head, trying to breath correctly, and still I end up awake at 2 am. I have no idea why so. I mean, I even tried opening my window, play some calming music, I drank warm milk with honey.... I even tried sedatives. Nothing. Nothing helps. I was thinking maybe it's my coffee, but c'mon, I drink one cup when I wake up (right now) and then another one around 2 pm. And it's not that strong. It's 1,5 teaspoon of coffee, 2 teaspoons of sugar, half the cup of boiling water and milk. It shouldn't even be called coffee. So it can't be this, right? Right?? It annoys me so much because I wake up feeling more tired than rested and today I have to run some errands in town and then go for 12h shift. So this means I will get back at midnight and then again, on Wednesday I'll have another 12 hours to work, so I'll get like 5 or 6 hours of sleep, which is not even nearly enough. Not that we'd be busy at work, because it is not weekend, but still. Walking around doing nothing makes me more tired than running around and being occupied by something.
Anyway, I don't have much time left, maybe if I get home before my work (because I'm heading to town now), I will be able to post something more ;3
I hope you don't have such problems as me ;)

Love you, guys x

yas, 'heroinwasmyhero' my sleeping schedule is fucked up as well. Thanks for making a gif for it, so I have something to use here x ;3

Two days, you say...

Holia, Amigos!

I'm not even sure if I've written it down correctly, but hey ;3 kind of missed you. Ok, missed you a lot. I haven't posted anything for two days and I'm feeling guilty as hell, because I have so much to tell. I'm not even sure where to start. Probably from Sorry for not posting. I was too tired and sleepless...

Anyway, Christmas! Christmas was fun. Like, really. 'Sahar' was busy as hell that evening. I actually got a call from my boss asking for me to come early. I didn't, obviously, because I had a meeting on Skype with my family. Anyway, we talked for half an hour and I went to my workplace. Let me tell you, it was freaking busy. The hour when there were two of us was pretty chill. We did managed to keep everyone happy. But then my dear co-worker left (actually I told her to go home as soon as I came in, because she looked tired as fuck) the fun part started. I was left alone. To be honest, I didn't believe at first, that I'm gonna work alone. I mean our opponents were closed that day, so obviously everyone would go at our place. After an hour or so alone, I asked where the fuck is the other waitress that was supposed to come. The answer I heard was more than awesome. 'oh, she is not coming today. She is at Christmas party.' ... I was fucking running around the tables barely managing to do everything and they let her to take a day off on CHRISTMAS DAY??? I asked for the day off first. She didn't even work at that time. She fucking came to work a few days ago and she is being let off? Well, it was more than unfair. I was so pissed off. But I managed. Of course I did, otherwise I wouldn't be me. The best part was when around 11 o'clock this guy came asking if there is room for 15 people. I pushed the tables, made the table look like a decent (as fast as I could, because new clients came in at the same time) and they brought around 10 kids. Few adults and fucking ten little kids. I don't like them. Honestly. Kids (except for my family. They are adorable) makes me feel uncomfortable and I feel like I could kill them if they'd do anything stupid. And trust me, those kids did. Imagine this. We have a violine hanging as decoration on the wall. I went to their table to take the order. This kid stood up on the chair, with a knife in his hand and started ruining the strings. I looked at him, at his father, at him again, then at the adult, as he was telling me his order as nothing is happening. After like fifth time he sighted, looked at his son and was like 'ok, get down' and went with his order again. Now, at that time I was 5 hours into running around, carrying plates, smiling and cleaning and doing all the work alone, so I was quite tired. After I took their order, there were two or three more new tables. After I manged them, this woman from the 15 table came to me frowned, saying we are slowest people she ever seen. Instead of hitting her in a face I told her sorry. My co-workers heard me and asked what she was saying. When I repeated her words to them while she was looking at me, she frowned even more and went back to her table. Thank God my co-workers knows how tempered I am and said to take care of other tables, they'll take care of this one. By the end of the evening, when there was like one table left, my feet were burning. Oh, and I fell down once because there was slippy spot in our area. Thank God I wasn't carrying anything. Anyway, I cleaned as much as possible that night, I left around half 12.
By the way, remember me saying someone called me Mentally ill? Well, that person said sorry, finally. And as a compensation, I got  £10 into my pocket. Pretty cool, because next day I went to buy new shoes (and a blanket!!) and hair straightener. You know, boxing day. Anyway, I had work at midday, so I went back. I did side works for three hours until everything was filled and cleaned again. But we weren't busy at all, so that was fine. Nothing much happened, really. I got home early, but couldn't sleep until like 3 or so. But you know, it's fine.
Yesterday was a little bit more fun, since I had evening shift and I worked with the girl that didn't show up on Christmas day. So, basically, everything went like this:
Me 'Hi.'
She 'Hi! How are you? Did you work on Christmas day?'
Me '.... Yeah.'
She 'What are you doing on New years eve? Working?'
Me 'I guess so. Are you?'
She 'It's Thursday, so no, I won't work that day. I'll come in next day.'
Me 'oh, cool.'
And then I ran to the other co-workers asking what the fuck. The fuck was that. I told them I am not working alone on New Years. And I'm pretty sure our other girl, that worked morning shift on Christmas day, will not do it alone either. They told us we'll work together at the same time with her and they will deal with this other girl. They said they are furious as hell because she didn't show up, so they want to punish her. Oh, what will they do? Make her clean something? She won't get tips? Lol, we don't get that anyway. Well, I got £6 on Christmas (each of us got £6) but other days... nothing. Or maybe £2 I can't even remember. Anyway, it's not a punishment.

Ok, I think I wrote enough, my fingers hurts from hitting keyboard so much. Just remembering Christmas was pissing off. At least I saw my lovely family that day. Kids were so happy with their presents I sent! I felt so muck much better after remembering it. I love making my family happy ;3

Anyways, love you, guys ;3

gif from 'tomjennings' love it so much ;33

ok, so far, so bad

I wished you a Merry Christmas, now it's time to have a journal again.

So, um... yeah, I don't have much to say today, anyways, so it's gonna be short. I don't know if I told you this before, but being called 'mentally ill' is a really big deal to me. Especially when someone calls me that for my normal, everyday actions. And you know what? Someone called me that yesterday. I do know they didn't mean it that way, because we were joking around, but all I could hear is me, being mentally ill, because of... because of my virginity. Ok, just so you know, I was feeling bad already, since I spend my time working and not being with my family, and after that I had to keep my tears from falling from my eyes. I know they realised what they did and they started saying that it's not what they mean. But the funny part is, I didn't hear "sorry". They said just that they didn't mean it in that way. Well, congrats, guys, just as I stepped outside the doors from my work, I started crying. And I have no idea what people thought about me, because I could feel how they starred at me. I can't remember the last time I cried in front of someone. I tried shushing myself, saying that it's not far from home, I can cry there, saying that it's not appropriate to cry outside. I tried breathing as deep as I could, but it didn't help. It was so bad, I can't even describe it. But at the same time, my struggle while I was walking home helped me to avoid the crying when I got to my room. I took some sedatives and I went to sleep straight away. I woke up with quite a good mood, actually. I was smiling, I texted everyone Merry Christmas, it was really cool. Until I accidentally went through wrong folder on my laptop, where I keep pictures of my Mum. Oh, boy, it was bad. I thought I will cry my eyes out. I tried closing it just to find myself opening it again. I miss Her so damn much. And it's second Christmas without Her. I think first ones were bearable because of my family around me. I could keep my minds occupied with them, but this year... Well, I cried for solid half an hour. After that looking in the mirror had the same effect as watching horror movies. Capillaries under my eyes had popped and now there are blue-ish purple-ish dots all over my face. Oh well, not the first time.
Oh, and work called, asked me to come over asap. Nope. Can't do. I have to wait for my family so I could wish them a very Merry Christmas. I'm not fucking this opportunity for additional four pounds. Because, yesh, we do not get paid more for doing special days.

Anyway, this is sad, sorry for it. I hope you all have a wonderful day! x

big thanks to 'smilethroughtears96' for posting this gif ;)

Merry Christmas!!!

Happy Holidays, you Guys!

It is theee most waited holiday in the year! Christmas is here! Congrats on making it so far to see this day ;3 I want to wish you all the most epic adventures for the next 365 days, most romantic evenings, most enjoyable memories and everything good there is to wish for. For the past 3 months you guys were there for me when I needed and today I want to repay for that by wishing you the best of the bests! I am really really thankful that you are here :)

gif from "leighyoungart" Happy Christmas!

Love you guys so much, I can't even express that with words. HUGS AND KISSES FOR EVERYONE!

Realisation hits hard

heyy, buddies...

I wish you a happy Christmas Eve! Spend it with the people you love, with the family. You never know when it will be the last chance to see them.

Ok, nope, nooope, I'm not talking about this. No. Absolutely not. I woke up hal 2 today so it means I slept for ten hours and I'm too confused how did I managed to do that. Now I'm drinking wayy too strong coffee with toasted bread as my breakfast (when it;s past lunch time). It's Christmas Eve! And 3 hours from now I have work to attend to. But hey, at least.... at least I won't be all alone in my room, right? I will come back tired and I will go straight to bed, right? I won't need to spend a minute thinking about how I'd rather be with my family. With the ones I miss so much. Shiit, I'm not talking about it. Forget it.
Have I guys told you about my tumblr.com rpg life? I actually really really enjoy it. It's a good practise to write in English (as this blog) and I love it how my rpg partner makes me want to write longer and longer posts, that consists of 700-1000 words. I really really love it. And my rpg partner is a really good writer, I'm so jealous of her skills! But in a good way, of course. She's my idol, I'd love to be able to write just like her. Anyway, we are rpg'ing in 'The pirates of the Carribean' and 'Game of Thrones' world, so obviously we have a pirate and the noble. My character, Alexandra, is a typical noble, that hates everyone and is arrogant as fuck. She does, however, have a fear of water, so when she was dragged into a ship, she had to lower her temper. Anyway, I'm not spoiling if any of you guys will read it. I'll put a link at the end of the entree. So, yeah, the point is, I really really do love this rpg. I love putting my characters in situations out of their comfort zone. I have a wild imagination, so no wonder I find a lot to say about it. I guess I chose right course for myself. I love writing, even if I totally forgot my projects I've been working before. Maybe I should start one again. Because I don't feel how the one I posted here is going further. Well, yeah, I have a plan and stuff, but not for now. Maybe next year.
Oh, right! Guys, could you do me a favour and comment your "new year resolutions"? I've decided I want to try that. Like, really really try. But the problem is, I have no idea of what to promise to myself. Healthier way of living, yes, more time studying, new project, exercises... these are typical stuff, I want something not so usual. I'd say 'finally get a boyfriend' but you know what, I'm good without one. Who needs it, when you have fingers, right? No, I'm just joking, don't take it too seriously! I should put a censor on myself. Especially when I'm starting to get to know who reads my blog. Good thing I'm not writing in lithuanian, at least my family can't see how much it hurts to be so far away from them. Or my comments about sex. If I'm virgin, it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it. Anyway, new years resolutions. Let me know if you are promising something unusual, ok? I'd love to take a note from your book ;3

love you, guys ;)
Have a great Christmas Eve and don't forget to taste all 12 dishes!

 

 I love this one, because I'm so Grinch this year. I don't celebrate, it means no one celebrates! Happy Christmas, and thanks for sharing this gif, 'outoftheashess' ;)

p.s. that's my tumblr.com account for rpg'ing, have a look ;) http://ladyashworth.tumblr.com/

Well, that's awkward

Baaaabes! x

How are you this really wonderful, sunny day? Good? I'm glad to hear that ;3 I woke up 20 minutes ago and here I am, writing my entrie.

To be honest, the title of this post is about awkwardness because I was sitting in front of the screen without the though of what to write today. Yeah, nothing happened, I was working yesterday, so... you know. Nothing special. Even nothing not special to talk about. I called my family right before I opened blog tab. They are preparing for Christmas Eve so hard. My auntie is running around from one flat, to the other (because she and my bro and sis lives in one and my Grandma and Grandpa lives in other one), to the town and back, making sure everything is prepared. I do believe it is really hard for her this year. It doesn't matter that she has another sister, my other aunt, and my uncle by her side. Like all of them are unhappy with her and even if I should be like that too, I simply can't. Because I know how much trouble my guardian goes through to make everything perfect. Oh, right. I'm talking about her small kids, my brother and sister. They still need taking care of, so my auntie had two choices. One, get a nanny. But since it costs a fortune, it's not that good of an idea. Our Grandma kept them safe for a while. Damn, she even raised me. My Grandma is one hell of a woman, I can tell you this. And now she is really really sick. And whenever my auntie asks her to keep an eye on my brother and sister, everyone around hisses about how she doesn't take care of their Mother. I mean, yeah, it's not good for Grandma to do anything at the moment, but knowing the fact, that my auntie does everything else (for now, she will do Christmas Eve dinner, she will clean both flats, decorate them and so on)... well, it is not easy. And she told me today, that my other aunt was around (she lives in a city next to us), she and Grandma went to the graveyard to light a candle for my Parents. When my Guardian Auntie asked if everything is alright, they said yeah, of course. She went there today just to see that nothing was alright. Obviously, she is a perfectionist, so I imagine it wasn't as bad as she described, but it still made me feel guilty. I should be the one to take care of that. And I'm so damn thankful that she takes care of it too. Well, yeah, it is her Sister and Brother-in-law, but still. With all the errands she has to take care at our flats, she still manages to visit one place that she is not obligated to. I love her so much. She is the best, seriously. We would all be lost without her.

Anyway, I practically wrote totally different thing than I planned so the title doesn't make sense now. But oh well, does any of my titles makes sense, honestly?

Love you guys, thanks for being with me, it means a lot x

And yeah, that's my list of what I have to do for holidays. Lol. Nope. Work.
gif from 'thatsfackedahp', thanks for sharing ;3

Not yet bragging, but still...

Hey guys, what is uuup?

So, yesterday I was quite... no, I don't know how to describe it. I just did anything that caught my eye. That's why I downloaded 'tinder', I suppose. Ach, so many handsome guys.... anyway, that's not what I want to talk about ( I will talk about it later, no worries). The thing I want to talk about is another "oh, ok, let's see where this will get me" thing. I accidentally saw this ukmodels.co.uk page and of course, I did click on the link. What I saw on the page was "free registration" and I thought, hell, why not. I mean, I did modelling once, I quit not because I didn't like it, but because I couldn't afford it. And then I had a few photo shoots that I absolutely adored. So, yeah, why not, right? So I filled the registration up, uploaded one of my recent photos that I am proud of and just went on with my day off. The funny thing is, I got a reply. They said they saw my potential in my photo and they will contact me soon. And yes, I did get a call today. They said they want to give me a shot for being a model and they are inviting me to a professional photo shoot in London. All I need to do is to book a place for refundable £50. I mean, they do look trustworthy company, but do I really want this? Like, I will have to go to London by myself, then. And it's quite a journey for the idiot like me. I could get lost in my apartment, so the capital really scares me. But on the other side, I would love to try. I know it's hard work being a model, but I am pretty much diva about myself. Not that I have perfect body, Dear God, no, but I do love myself. And this is one hell of an opportunity. What do you guys think? Could you help me decide? I would really really appreciate that. I have no idea what to do.

love you, guys x

gif from 'gottbadblood' Gaaawd I love Kendal. She is such a spirit animal of mines ;3 thanks for gif ;3

What's a sleep schedule?

Heyy!

So, there are bad news and good news. I have no idea where to start, to be honest.

*literally closed my laptop so I could go and meet random guy from yik yak*
 [he was really sweet, by the way]

So, the bad news is... I fucked up with my sleeping time. Like, ok, yesterday I've decided to go to sleep around 1 am, that's pretty normal, but there was, of course, a problem of someone playing heavy metal somewhere around. So yeah, I went to sleep around 3. But that is not the worst part. The worst part is that I have a day off today, so it means no alarms to make me get out from bet. And this means I woke up around 2 pm. Not that I complain, I had absolutely awesome sleep time with dreams of all kinds, but sleeping for 11 hours was not a wise choice. Mostly because of the activities that followed. I went to make myself some coffee (even though I was deciding if I should just go back to bed), I had breakfast (still have one peace of delicious Kugelis ;3), talked with my fam and watched a few episodes of "The man in the high castle". Wonderful show, absolutely wonderful. Then, just then I made myself reach a shower where I spend around 15 minutes trying to compromise between freezing water and the one that would burn my skin off my body. Anyway, after that I made my bed and even got dressed, but here I am again, sitting on my bed, trying to figure out what to do with my life.

The good news is, I had a lot of sleep and as a student I really really appreciate this opportunity. To be honest, I could sleep all 24 hours straight and still be tired. I'm always tired and I'm afraid that with these opportunities I'll get fat in no time. Though, I did downloaded one app with 7 minutes workout plan. I do want to start getting fit and stuff, but I need motivation and help. If I had anyone who would be willing to do this with me, I would be so happy. Should I write about my exercises here? It sounds cool but again, I know myself, I'll find an excuse like 'oh, I didn't write an entree today, this means it's my rest day' and I'll end up doing neither of those. And I do love to write my blog. It makes me feel so much better. Especially knowing that someone is not lazy to read it. That's why I'm sorry for not writing yesterday, I was working morning shift and after that I watched 'the man in the high castle'. You should totally watch it. Really good show. Love it. If you know any show that is similar to it, please, let me know.

Anyway, I'm not sure how to make through this holiday season alive. It's my first week (first day) when everyone is gone and look at me, absolute mess. You should see my hair. So greasy. Ok, They are greasy every second day, but at least I am decent enough to tie them in a ponytail. Now they are flawlessly down my shoulders. Ahh, lazy days, lazy days. I should really find some physical activities while I'm all alone. Or I bet I'll go mad here.

But hey, at least I get a lot of sleep, right?;33

love you, guys ;3

gif from '

noches-de-llanto' I feel you, mate ;33 thanks for sharing the gif ;3

Issues

heyyyyyy

So, officially, everyone is gone from Leicester and I have no one to drink coffee with. Not that anyone drank it with me before, but still. I feel so lonely. I really really hoped I won't feel like it. I woke up today, had breakfast, watched a little bit of 'New girl', then fell asleep, then watched it again, then again, slept and now I had my lunch that was the same as breakfast. At least I went to the shower afterwards. And still I'd like to stay in bed pretending I don't exist. I hate this holiday season so far. Really, nothing good happened. I miss my friends already and I miss my family and I hate my work, so... yeah, I don't see anything good around. I could, of course, go out to sit in the town centre, but then I'd have an urge to buy something and I should totally start saving up. Firstly, because I think I won't get to pay monthly for our second-year house, as I'm paying for my flat right now. I'm so jealous that everyone gets their student maintenance and then there is me, that has to make everything by herself. And they need one text to their parents to get money. Shame, I can't really text anyone. There goes my holiday mood, when everything is bothering me. I constantly think about the payments and money and all the issues that haunts me. It makes me sick as fuck. And I really hate everyone who says 'quit your job, you will find another one, just go back to Lithuania for Christmas'. You know what? I miss one day of the fucking job and I don't get enough money to pay for my rent. And they asked if it would be alright for me to work less hours. Really. REALLY? I would be even more broke if I quit. I know that four pounds per hour is fucking nothing when you live alone, but seriously, it is way better than nothing.
Anyway, I have no mood to write anything on the blog today. I don't know, I feel like I just exist right now, you know? Not living, existing. Where you do same stuff everyday, without anything interesting. That's me right now. As I said before "Sleep, eat, work, repeat". I don't want to 'live' like this. I need something interesting in my life. I do want to start kickboxing or boxing, but there is my money issue again. It costs fortune to get a membership and I barely manage to pay my rent. I hate this. I don't want to be an adult, please save me from this.

anyway, I have to go do my adult duty and get ready for work. I know my latest updates are really shitty, but nothing interesting is going on in my life. And it sucks.
Oh, and I can't stop thinking about one time I didn't get a hug. Fuck that.

Love you guys x

yes, it's a scene from Titanic, I relate sooooo much right now. Thank you "heckyeahreactiongifs" for sharing it on Tumblr ;3

Not doing that ever again

No, it's not about sex you guys. Keep your ovaries calm.

Sorry, hey ;3

So, yeah, if I ever ever like eeeever want to do meal called "kugelis" again, STOP ME! I grated my fingers, it took me an hour to grate the potatoes (yes, you grate potatoes) and now I might be late for work because o how long it takes to bake it. My muscles hurts from all the grating too. Gawd, I feel like a teenage boy after finding out what porn is. Sorry, someone is a bit horny, ignore my dumb comments. Anyway, I really really hope it will be tasty, or else I'm gonna cry my shit out on it so I'd feel less terrible for making something in the kitchen. Anyway, yeah, that's the main thing that happened today. Well, I went to tesco as well, because, you know, I had to finish my Christmas shopping, that included 3 boxes of candies. I'm thinking of going back to teco express after work if it's still open to buy some oreos or anything that's cheap. Or I should go to lidl tomorrow so I'd get sweets even cheaper. Yeah, I'm so good at picking presents for my family. As long as they will know how much I love them, right? Ugh, who measures love with materialistic presents (*cough*me*cough*)? I want them to know that I love them really really much without them wanting anything from me. Well, of course, making them happy with something I can buy is really cool too and fingers crossed they will share it with each other.
Anyway, I have nothing else to tell you, guys. Really, my life is really numb right now. Wake up, eat, watch New girl, take a shower, discuss something with myself out loud, go to work, get back, sleep, repeat. Literally, I feel like time passes so quickly and I want it to be more interesting. I want to do something regularly that would be good for myself. Because now, all I do is getting fat with all the food I eat (fucking periods, making me crave stuff). I should start kickboxing or boxing. I'd get fit in no time and I'd get stronger and everything would be better, right?
oH, riiiight, I finally made myself play with ps3! It was so much fun you guys! Can't wait to do it more often, if anyone will let me. I hope I won't get addicted to that, or else I'll have a huge problem. I need physical activities, not the ones that would make me even more me than I am right now. I should see how much I weight right now. Although I bet it would make me want to cry. And what you do when you cry? YOU EAT CHOCOLATE! Like, seriously, guys, I have way too many sweets in my possession and all I wanna do is eat them. ASAP. Gawd, I need help. Who the hell thought that me, managing my own money, is a good idea? It's terrible idea!

anyway, see you guys later, have a good day x

aaand thank you "my-black-coffie-soul-everything" for sharing this gif, because... yes, we all love food ;3

The perks of living alone

Wazzziappieee guys!

I need to do so much today, I don't even know where to start. I need to pay the deposit, but that means I need to take some money from my account, I need to buy candies because I need to finish packing my package to Lithuania (I'm sending presents, so you know) I need to print my cv so I could carry it around with me all the time and when I see the sign that someone is hiring, I'd have it with me. Also, my dark clothes are being washed now, so I need to wait until it's finished so I could put them into the dryer. Oh, so much to do, so little time! That's because I have to go to work today. Breath, Judita, breath. You can do this. We have ten minutes to write this entrie, then run and put all the clothes to the dryer, then run to the atm machine to take some money, then go to livrary to print my cv, then go to sulets to pay my deposit, then go home and collect my clothes and then prepare for work.
But I don't want to talk about my errands today. I want to talk about perks of living alone. But I'm guessing you know that from the title of this post. Seven minutes ago I had no idea what to write for today. By the way, sorry for not posting anything yesterday, had no idea what to tell you guys. Apart the fact that I spent 17 euros to talk with my fam, since their internet broke down. Back to the topic. I was laying on my bed, starring to my wall and then I realised... I LIVE ALONE! Well, I got help for that from my stereo that put really good song. I rised my hands up, started singing in my terrific voice and I started laughting. I bet I would have looked like a psycho if anyone have seen me. But you know what? No one did! Because I live alone! Well, not alone, but I'm alone in my room, so that counts. So let me give you a list of the perks of living alone:

• You can be crazy
• No one is judging how you look
• You can sing whatever you want
• Damn, you can even walk naked
• You can arrange everything as you want
• You can be as messy as you want
• You can talk with yourself
• You can laugh without looking stupid
• You can cry without anyone interrupting
• YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT 

Yes, it's awesome. I love it. And if you feel too alone, you can always bring anyone you want with you here. If they are aviable, of course. Well, either way, living alone is quite fun. Look at me, being all adult-ish. Even if I don't feel like an adult at all. I feel like I'm 5 years old. Really. I'm so happy at the moment, why can't I be like that forever? I love being alone. Then I know for sure that no one is judging me. And trust me, I can't be happy if I know or thing that someone is doing that.

Uh, alarm! I need to go get my clothes!

Love you x

gif from "leavinjustintime" ha, lol, I love the url of yours!Thanks for sharing this gif ;3

Single bells, single bells, single all the wayyyy

Hey guys!

Guess who is in a Christmas mood! I went out for present shopping and now all is left - candies for my fam! I spend a fortune but I'm so happy! I even got myself a tiny little Christmas tree! And some lights, that are shaped as an angels so it's really really cute! And I put that on my windowsill so it looks absolutely amazing! Love it sooo much I'll probably end up not closing my curtains at all so I could see it 24/7. Really, it is absolutely adorable!
Yes, yes, I do try to be excited about everything I possibly can. I mean, I'm kind of afraid of getting into this mood since it will be a really lonely Christmas. Like, all of my friends are getting back just after New Years and are leaving this week, so that's a shame. Then, I won't be able to go to my relatives here, because, work, and lastly, my co-workers are meanies. Well, not all of them (I can think of like three people who are not mean and I talk just with one of them), but most of them. Just yesterday I was told that one of them hopes I'll spend my life alone and single. He smiled afterwards, but you do realise that for someone so emotional it sounds like a curse? And trust me, I do believe in curses. As well as karma, so someone will be screwed for throwing these wishes to me. Anyway, I don't want to spend my holidays with them. I can't wait to leave that place asap. Anyone has any available job for me in Leicester? I'm up for mostly anything.
Anyway, my Christmas tree is absolutely amazing, everyone should see it. Actually, I posted the pic on facebook and instagram, but it was blurred, so I barely got likes. Oh well, as long as it is really nice to my eyes.
By the way, I'm at my friends place, wrapped in her blanket, on her bed, with my laptop with me. Literally everything I ever need to live. And she said we will bake pizza later. Perfect. And since she is really really good friend of mines, I can tell her a lot of stuff about personal life. Even the one I'm not willing to share with you (sorry). Actually, I would be, but I kind of know who reads it and I'm not quite ready to tell them everything. Anyway, the thing is, while she is out of the room, I started chatting with someone and we ended up discussing my relationship with one of our friends. It got pretty awkward really really soon. I think it's non of his business but it's fun to tease people sometimes. Especially when it's like the only fun thing I can do at these sad times. Anyway, don't be sad for me, because I will have a lot of time to think about everything and everyone. Not that I don't do that all the time, but you know. Like, really really think. And, c'mon, we will talk with my friends everyday, right? RIGHT?!!

ok, no worries, love you babes x

gif from "magicalseasonsofthewitch", I looooooove how it looks in the gif. And it's how it looks on my windowsill ;3 thanks for the gif ;333

Easy, mate

'Sup, babes x

 How are you? Is everything alright? Do you need a hug? Wanna share what's bothering you? Yes? Come here, my sweet child, I want to help you.

I have no idea why I started this entrance like that. I mean, yeah, I do want to help you, if you need me to, but I don't know why I had to say it. Wait, what? I have no idea what's happening today. I feel really confused and I have no idea why.
Maybe because I have no music on? Or maybe that I slept for 11 hours. Maybe it's because I had two glasses of cheap wine yesterday. You know what? I know how that sounds. But I was walking back from work and I thought to myself that I'd like to have a glass of wine. Is it that bad? I'm 18, I can legally drink alcohol if I want to. Or maybe it was because one of my friends kept changing plans. I was pretty excited to go clubbing with her and her mates, but just as I texted her back that I'm in, she already had other plans. Ok, I do understand, I bailed on her the other night when I said I'll go clubbing and went to chill with my other buddies. But I had a proper excuse for that. She didn't even bother. Anyway, it's not about that. No. I kind of needed it, ok? I needed that glass of wine so I wouldn't think about something I don't want to think. Everyone around me keeps asking what the A and B in my tattoo means. And when I say it's my Parents initials, they always comment something "do they know about it?" or "Oh, show it to them on Christmas, they will be surprised!". Can you imagine how awkward I feel at these moments? Sometimes I answer with the sentence that would go like "I hope they will" or "I kind of think they do know" because, reasons. Sometimes I do answer with "Oh, I did the tattoo with wings because of one reason, they can't see it anymore" or something like that. I know it's supposed to be a small talk and it shouldn't upset me, but it does. It does upset me a lot. I want to show it to them, I want to see their faces when they realise how much I love them, but I can't, ok? I can't see them, I can't feel them, I can't hear them. I can't, ok? So please don't ever talk about my Parents with me. They were really good people and it hurts me every time someone mentions something, that makes me remember that they are gone. Please don't do this to me.
Anyway, I don't want to make myself sad, so let's get to the good part. I have test tomorrow, guess if I revised anything? Nope! And then I have a deadline for Tuesday. Guess if I started anything? Nope. I'm failing this soooo hard. I have no idea what to do for the assignment and I have no time to revise for my test because I have to go to work. You feel me? Oh, I wish I'd win a lottery (that I don't buy) or get some rich relatives that would donate few thousands for me. Gawd, I hate my life. I do love it, but I hate it. Why is it everything so complicated right now, hm?
Ok, that wasn't happy at all. The happy thing is, I'm doing my laundry at the moment! Good for me, I'm so proud of myself. Two sets of sheets, enormous pairs of socks, underwear (fuck, I forgot to put my bra in) and my bag, that was bloody from the Halloween party. I hope it will wash off. And I hope nothing in there will dye my other stuff, because I have one set of sheets that I want to send back to Lithuania since I won't need it. I mean, it is really nice and cozy, but it's for double bed. Mine is desperately single right now. It will be my so-so present for Christmas for someone. I'll put a note "anyone can take it if they want". Then I'll send one of the blankets that I got really cheap. I know how my sister loves her first blanket, so she should adore this one! Then I will go to the town tomorrow to sort out my cousin gift, and then buy a lot of candy boxes and find someone who will take everything to Lithuania! Ugh, I love myself for sorting everything out. I'll spend a fortune, but hey, it's worth it, knowing that my family will get at least something from me. I know they want to send something to me for Christmas, but honestly, the only thing I want from them is for them to be as happy as possible. I can have anything I want by myself, but since I'm too far away to make them smile everyday, I want them to gift me that. Even if it sounds cheesy, I'd love to know that my family is as happy as they can be ;3

ok, I'm talking about my fam too much today, I should probably spend some quality time watching new girl or something. love you guys x

gif from "majestys" thanks ;3

Feeling a bit used

Babeeees!

Sorry, for not posting anything yesterday. I wanted to, but I didn't have any strength left. 8 hours of work, chilling at a friends house and walking home made me insanely tired. Even though I couldn't sleep until 4 am. I was laying in my bed, yawning and stuff, but I just couldn't sleep. Disaster, to be honest. At the end I took some sedatives, so I'm not sure if it's them or the peppermint tea that I drank before drugs, helped. Either way, I woke up around 12, made myself some coffee, few sandwitches and here I am, writing this blog.
To be honest, I want your opinion, guys. It's about my work, as usual, so could you comment down your thoughts? Let me tell you what happened yesterday. So, yeah, I was bragging about my new place we signed up for next year and it slipped that it's really near that restaurant I work in. I got the answer "oh, cool, it means we could give you more shifts since you live two minutes away". I told them I won't be able to, because I will have more uni work and it will be way more important, but as an answer I got this: "Oh, but you always have time to work, so it's gonna be fine." NOW. Now this sounded like they were using me. Like, first of all, who the fuck thinks I will work there next year? They don't pay me legal wage and they still think I won't look for anything else? Really? Secondly, my uni work right now is really poor because I don't have time on the weekends to do it. Guess thank God for those Monday day-off's that I have to do my assignments. Oh, wait. I don't have a Monday off today, I have a fucking test that I won't have time to prepare to, because.... DING DING, MOTHERFUCKER, I have work until late night. I get home exhausted because I have to run around all the time. Let me talk about yesterday a bit more, ok? So, I'm at work from 2 pm, because I was doing co-workers shift, 4 hours alone until two other waiters came to their shift. I'm not saying those 4 hours were busy, but I still was pretty much tired. So, yeah, around 7 or 8 we started having customers. And it was like 7 tables. While I was running around, smiling to everyone and trying to do my best, I saw our other waitress standing in one place, playing with her phone and pretending that she is working. Same was when she started cleaning spoons, forks and knifes. One of them, one message. One of them, one message. While she cleaned those, I got two orders, got food to three tables and started washing glasses, because we didn't have any anymore. But the best part was when I was doing it again later that night and she was standing there talking with one of the chefs. People from one table left, and she still stood there talking and giggling. I mean, I'm not jealous, geez, but could you please do your work first? All evening I had to ask her to do something and she would look at me like I've killed her favourite pet or something. Well, sorry, missy, but you do work here and you get money for that, not for standing and talking and playing with your phone. So after I asked her to go to that table and clean it, she looked at me even scarier. Oh well, not the first time and I was too tired to argue. Then I turned to my boss to ask when do I finish and I saw what he would say. I told him in advance, then, that I will not work until 11, because I'm too fucking tired. I did want to tell him that I basically did all the work by myself, but I don't want to be a bitch that reports it. although I might, because I was told off because of the phone more than once. And she is carrying hers everywhere. It annoys me so much.
Oh well, at least I got many compliments two days in a row now. Everyone said I am really nice person, that I have a cute smile and I'm really sweet. You know what? One pair left like 6 pounds for tips, winking that it's for me and as a good person, I put that back in tip box, that we all share. How much did I get from there by the end of the night? 2.60. Two point sixty fucking pounds for running around straight 8 hours. And other guys from work were saying I deserve less than a pound. Good for them I was hurrying at my friends house, because I wanted to say goodbye before him leaving. I would have told them everything I thought.
Anyway, I'm not angry, nope. I got to see my friend off and I'm so jealous that he's probably in Lithuania right now. God, I would sell my soul to be with my family for Christmas. But nooo, I will have to work my ass of there, for four pounds per hour. I asked one of my co-workers if we get paid more for working on Christmas, or Christmas-Eve day, and I loved her reaction. Uh, the answer was no, obviously. So, yes, my dears, I am writing my new CV at the moment. I need another work asap, because I'll be broke by the end of the January.

Love you, guys x

giffie from "beatlebirdfly" I have tried watching "two broke girls" but meeh. Too cheesy ;/ although thanks for gif ;3

Kiss and cuddles and other fantasies

Heyy!

So, you know what? I noticed something about myself. Well, I did noticed it before, but I never thought about more. It's about those sex jokes that I'm making more and more often. Like, I know for guys it's really usual stuff, but is it good for a girl ( a lady like me [lol]) to answer with something as vulgar? For example, when someone says "choke on my dick" and I answer "lol, I would, but it's too small". Am I supposed to talk like that? Doesn't it sound too slutty? I don't mind being called bitch, slut or whore. I don't really care what others talk as long as I know it's not true. It's the thought that maybe I could give the wrong image? Ok, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Maybe I'm trying to ask if guys like when the girl is talking like that? Cuz when I'm around my friends that are guys, I feel like a dude and so not a girl. Even if all sex jokes goes to me. I don't mind, really. Maybe for a few guys my answers are even honest. Ugh, I mean, um... Like, I would totally bang some of my guy friends if I'd be sure it wouldn't hurt our friendship. Though I'd like to give my virginity to someone I do really really trust and cherish. But is it really that big of a deal who will take my flower? Lol, sounds ridiculous. Ugh, why is it so hard to think about it? I mean, I do think about sex. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. I banged most of my friends in my head for a few times already. Even if it sounds nasty. Well, not every friend. I have ones that are in the friend zone where it's not even comfortable to joke about sex with them. I don't know why, it's just is.
Anyway, there is another problem. For the two days now I lay in my bed wishing I'd had someone with me in it. I hug my pillow, close my eyes and try to imagine that I'm hugging someone. I don't know why and it makes me sad. I want cuddles, I want night kisses, I want someone to be with me. Maybe being single is not such a good idea after all. Even though most of my friends doesn't have SO and it shouldn't bother me, I still want a relationship. I want someone I could be crazy with, I want someone I could kiss whenever I wanted, I want someone who would sleep near me. I want someone to hug me. I even want someone to have sex with. The real question is, how and where should I find this person? Or did I have a chance and my personality made them go away? I'm sorry for being who I am. Can anyone love me for what I am?

God damn it, this post became so depressed I'm hugging my pillow again. See? I'm lonely. I want someone to love me. I need someone to be by my side. Please?

love you guys x

desperately trying not to imagine myself in that girls place. God damn it ;/ "kissingpics" thanks for sharing it, now I'm horny. Wow, wait, no, that sounds wrong. I want cuddles!!!!

Being stupid has a good side

Hello!

Umm, don't ask me why I wanted that to be my headline. Maybe because I feel stupid today? Well, might me. I do feel stupid. So stupid I could probably jump out from the window right now. But I'm too lazy, so don't worry too much.
Why am I stupid, you ask? Well, firstly, because I don't know when I should shut my mouth and be silent for a second. Secondly, because when I'm in a bad mood, I must make someone else mad as well. And that someone else was my auntie, that I dearly love. I felt so bad after telling her off, but my pride didn't let me to call her back and say sorry. Nooo, I didn't call her until my sister called me. It was awkward for a second and I was so disappointed that again we can't talk about something that I do really want to talk about. Like, really personal family-ish stuff. Ok, no, not family stuff, my stuff. I'm a bit confused at this moment and I don't know what to do and I need help figuring everything out but at the same time I'm too scared to figure everything out. Ugh, it's so complicated. That's why I'm stupid. I can't deal with my own problems. And it's not even a problem, I'm just over thinking way too much. Either way, I need someone to say stop to this. Or I'll go absolutely mad.
By the way, my tattoo is healing perfectly, thank you for asking, and I am deeply in love with it. Even though it still hurts if I try to put something long-sleeved or if I'm going to the shower, it was so freaking worth it. And you know what? I understood that the letter A is not just for my dads name. It's also for my aunties and my uncles name, so basically, my tattoo could mean family. Although, the wings symbolises something different and I wouldn't like my aunties and uncle to get closer to the meaning. Woah, confusing. Sorry. Anyway, my tattoo is perfect, I love it and I want another one. I just don't know what kind. I should wait a little bit before it, right? Don't rush into things that are permanent. This one was really brave step and I'm way too proud of it.
Anyway, I went clubbing yesterday. Even though I didn't go to work because I was sick as fuck. I told them I'm really ill, I have fever and when they said is ok, you can rest, I got my needed sleep and I felt so good. Maybe that's why I decided to go out. The funny part was when we were heading home, my boss saw me. I'm pretty sure he will mention it at some point tomorrow. Well, go ahead, it's not my fault my body hates me. Or my work. Or I don't know what it does. I don't want to waist even a minute of my life anymore. It goes so quickly I barely notice what's happening around.

Have a good evening, I'm going to bed... probably not, because I'm too addicted to "New girl" Ugh. I hate when tv-shows gets so good. night x

 "thereeltimes" ma man, you reminded me I have ice cream. Thanks for sharing gif ;3

So... Tattoo.

Guys. Guys. GUYS! GUYYYYS!

Oh My God. God oh My. My oh God. God my oh. I have it. I did it. I'm so proud of myself I could buy myself a treat for it. But it was a treat, wasn't it? Ok, let me tell you what happened yesterday.
So, basically, tattoo artist told me she'll ring me up around 10 to tell me what time she is coming over. Yes, my tattoo artist came to my flat to do my tattoo. So I woke up around 7 am, ate my breakfast, had my shower, cleaned my room a little bit. I got a text from her around 11, saying she is doing someones tattoo right now and when she finishes, she will head to my place. That was the moment when I realised I don't want to be alone for this. Like, c'mon, what if it will hurt like hell and I'll have no support? I thought about texting my #squad, but since none of them really ever showed up after me asking, I didn't even bother. But I did know who would come if I asked. Thank God for my lith friend ;3 So, yeah, I did texted him and he came about half an hour later. It wasn't the support I was hoping for, to be honest, because when he came, he just fell asleep (he looks so sweetly innocent when he sleeps....). Either way, I was playing Civ 5 while waiting, so it didn't really bothered me. Around 12 pm I got a text from the artist that she will be with me within an hour. Oh, it was the longest hour ever! And then we had a problem of her finding me, so, you know, I had to stand outside with my short sleeved top and my slippers for around ten minutes. Worth it. The tattoo artist was really friendly and looked like she knows what she is doing. So we went to my room, I woke my friend up so he would at least mock me if I scream and then I sat on the ground. Yes, ground. Me and tattoo artist were sitting on the ground, I was watching her constructing the thingy we needed for a tattoo. Although what caught my eye was the draft. I loved it. I loved it so much, it was everything I ever ever wanted. Except it was bigger than I expected. Oh well, my thoughts about it is that the wings that goes on the sides of my wrist makes the 3D effect. Optimistic as hell, right? So, yeah. After she put the draft on my hand, right as I wanted it to be, I was told that it feels a little stingy. I was preparing for the worse, really. She grabbed my hand tightly, because I told her I might jump and then after asking me three times if I'm ready, she put the first line in. Now, everyone asked me if it hurt. Well, I was expecting a lot more pain than it actually was. Since I have a fear of needles, I didn't really looked at what she was doing. There were some parts I had to close my eyes and bite my tongue to not say a word "ouch" but mostly, I was smiling. I was filling one of my long dreams. And the tattoo means a lot. It was done in around 45 minutes and it didn't even cost that much. I got to keep the tattoo under a bag for a couple of hours, but it's not that it would have been that bad.
To be honest, the itching and burning and pain that I got all day was way worse than the process. It didn't hurt as much as the needles going into my skin, but since it's a pain that doesn't really stop, it becomes annoying. And my skin is so sensitive I can barely touch the clothes with it. And don't even start on my douves or blankets. I was sleeping with my hand on the night stand. But I'm still fucking hella proud of myself. Of course I'm still at the healing process, so I'm using Bepanthen for my skin, but Guys, I want another tattoo. And then another one. It was the best feeling ever. I think I'm becoming masochist, but that's not the case. Now all I need is to something really good to happen. You know, I need to have a feeling that it is right to mark this period of my life on my body.

Anyway, I need to run to the library to print my shitty work for assignment, so I don't have time to brag more, but be sured, I will.
Love you x

Instead of gif this time, there is a picture of my own first tattoo. I love it so much. And yes, The Letters has a lot of meaning for me. I'm kind of guessing that you understand since half of my friends, who doesn't even know what it means, guessed. Love it so freaking much! ;3

Go with the flow

Wazzap guys!

So, I'm getting my very first tattoo today. I'm so excited! I've read a few articles about it, I watched a video of how it's getting done and I'm so scared atm. No, not that scared so I wouldn't do it. I will have my tattoo because it means world to me. It's just I don't really like to study about it. My moto is "go with the flow" even if it sounds wrong. It means I'm doing everything my life suggest me to do. I have a feeling, that everything is happening for a reason and I'm going into it with all I have so I'd get as much as I can. I don't know if anyone understands me now, but the point is, I love challenges. Someone suggested dying my hair? Yes. Someone said let's go out there instead of doing work? Hell yeah. Someone said we should do our work? Yes, sure! Even though I'm not that sure about the going out part. I'm kind of that person that needs to be asked twice. Or at least I need a little push to go out because I'm such a lazy ass. But it's not about it today.
I'm freaking getting a freaking tattoo! Isn't that great? Oh, I can't wait to show it to the world. Even if it will mean the whole world to me. Either way, Happy Early Christmas for myself! I will be too broke by the end of the day but I will be as happy as kiddo that just opened his Christmas present. Because that is my Christmas present to myself. Aaah, what it means to be an adult. You treat yourself and pretend that you have money for this. I love my life, how can I not? Everything (except work) is so perfect as perfect it can become. I love everything about myself and fuck anyone who will try to drag me down. HELL YEAH FOR MYSELF! Today is a fantastic day and I'll sure enjoy it as much as I can.

And this post is short. Oh well, you'll get one later. Love you x

gif from "mavieserasibelle" thanks for sharing ;3 totally me jumping around waiting for a tattoo artist to come! ;3