Yeaaah, I'm stupid

<insert a really deep quote about importance of being happy>

Imma get really philosophical here about happiness, but no, I am really really happy.

But I did mention it to you before. I'm afraid to be too happy. It's stupid, I hate it, but I can't help it. I became afraid of being happy after my Mum passed away, because a day before I got the 'news' I was hyper active and happy and just crazy. And the next day the biggest tragedy in my life happened. So after that, I've started to be more careful about my carefree happiness. I was happy from time to time, yes, but whenever it was to the certain limit, I would get scared. Just like yesterday.
I was cuddling with my love and it was just so perfect and everything was right and I was feeling like the luckiest girl in the whole damn universe and then it hit me how happy I was and guess fucking what. I felt tears coming up my eyes and I scared my poor baby because apparently he thought I was in pain or something. It's so stupid, I can't. But I have no idea how to deal with it. And trust me, I read about it a lot.
I dont know, maybe its the pill I took or something else but I feel that my emotions are really, like, super fragile these days. We were joking around at work and like two minutes after laughing out loud my nails were by my throat trying to scratch the way for air to get to my lungs. I didnt cry, I just couldnt breathe. My guess was because I thought I made my love angry and I honestly couldnt bare that thought right now. I didn't know how to explain it to him as well. Plus, it was a lot of people around us, so I didnt really want to talk about it out loud. And I could tell he wanted an explanation. How do you explain a panic attack when youre not even sure what it was about??

Anyway. I do want him to understand it. I want him to know I get really weird, emotional and stupid. That it happens and I know how to deal with it and I'm really sorry if that's something that would bother him.

I miss being able to be happy without being afraid that something is going to happen soon.

Anyway.
I gotta go now.

Love you guys xx

gif from 'imsherlockedinlovewithyou' - just breathe :)

Them clues in the text amirite

I'm so emotionally unstable these days it actually starts to scare me.

I mean, I feel happy around my person, but he's probably the only person that makes me smile. Everything else just stresses me out and its terrible. I actually raised my voice at work today. You have no idea how guilty I felt. Like, I never lose my temper in front of someone else. It's me we're talking about, I'm that cold heart bitch that can stay calm whenever she wants to. But maybe today it was just because I haven't slept properly. Or maybe my hormones are fucking up because of the pill I took. Anyway, I'm not feeling quite myself these days.

Even now, I feel so disappointed just because I wont see my baby tonight. I mean, he was with me all night yesterday, so I should not be complaining, but what can I do. I'm super clingy. I've started thinking that maybe he's getting bored of me. After all, no one can stay with me for a long time after realising what a crazy bitch I am. I'm anxious, I know. It's stupid, but what can I do. I cant just tell him 'listen, babe, I feel like you've started avoiding me' - that sounds super clingy and desperate. We both have our own lives, right? Plus I have work tonight, so it's pretty understandable why he's not at my place at the moment. Anyway. I'm thinking about this too much, I know.

But yeah, I spend most of my time with him. Its either him or work or sleep. I dont mind, you know? At least I have someone I completely trust and want to stay around at all times. I still earn my money and it's amazing to be able to afford everything I want. Oh yeah, we do fight about paying for stuff. I honestly hate that he wants to pay for everything. I dont think thats fair, so whenever I have a chance, I'm annoying him by paying. I mean, he does drive me everywhere and he comes over all the time, petrol is expensive, so I feel like I should somehow at least make him spend less on me. Yes, I'm a diva, I love when people spoil me, but honestly, if he's gonna spend money on me, I'll get back at him by spending money on him.

I keep talking about him, aren't I? It's probably because he means the world to me now. Did I tell you how ironic something is? He's birthday is on the second of February. Same month and day my Dad left us. How strange is that? I mean, is that destiny or something? Because I do believe in that stuff, you know. I believe in destiny, I believe in karma, I believe that if you say something defo wont happen, it will defo happen. So pregnant jokes are not funny anymore, dont let me even get on that topic, for God's sake.

Anyway, I gotta go get ready, talk to you later my people ;*

gif from 'just-usmadd' :)