The dilemma

How many times have I talked about my little crushes here over these past two years?

So many little, temporary crushes, one long, devestating crush and none of them worked out the way I dreamt it would. That's why I dont want to talk about it. Thats why I want to keep my mouth shut and let it go the way it's supposed to go, but you guys know me, its really hard to stay quiet when something nice happens in my life.

I don't want to ruin it. Every time I tried being happy about finally finding someone I could actually care about, it goes downhill and it really upsets me. Its really freaking hard to keep quiet that someone is able to light an honest smile on my face and keep it there for the whole day, because a week later, I usually fuck it up by doing something stupid and then cringe at all the posts I wrote about the said person.

I've noticed, that I was never good with love. I would fall for a person whom I trust unconditionally and it ends up with me getting really, and I mean really, hurt. And I promissed myself I would never cry over another guy ever again. I do intend to keep that promise to myself. So all these little crushes I was talking about did not mean too much, because they just didn't last that long. My longer crushes tho.... the first one, gosh, I cried so much because of what was happening. My second one? If I'm being honest, I think I cried twice. It is really hard to keep your emotions intact when someone dear to you hurts you. That's why I don't trust people easily. I know how easy it is to hurt me and Iknow how badly I take it. I'm so scared of being hurt that I'm kinda ok to be alone. Even though I do see a chance in someone from time to time, it always ends up the same way - me, pushing them away, because I'm just too scared to take a chance.

It might be childish, but thats me. I do, I really do want to talk about this new person in my life, but I'm afraid that by doing it, I'm just going to repeat the circle of what happened before. I do want to talk to it, but I dont want to ruin this chance. I feel that this might be something else.

And now I feel bad I said this much. I said nothing and too much at the same time. Its a fucking dilemma, you guys. I wish you could see how lost I am in my head these days.

I hope you're having a great day tho xx

its not a gif, but it appeared on my tumblr dash and it's just so perfect for this. 'books-n-quotes' :)

Hello hospital, my old friend

Guess who's sick again and went to the freaking hospital?

*pointing fingers to myself*

Nah, nothing serious, I guess. They said it might be appendix, but since the pain is now numb-ish I'd say its not that. So then it's a freaking stomach bug. It felt like I swallowed a razor blade and it was just walking all around my abdomen, it was so freaking painful you guys :(
And I still went to work to the club. Yes, I did ask for a night off, but they didn't have anyone spare to change my position to, so I still had to come it. I got to stay upstairs tho, so been laying on the sofa for a few hours, so basically, I was just doing the same thing that I would have done at home, I just wasnt at home.
But anyway, I'm not going to bother you with all my sickness story. Even though I have nothing else to tell you about. I tried getting my cousin to get to Leicester, because we both have days off, but the prick is lazy :(((( Gosh I hope he reads this so he would know how much I was expecting him! Although that said, my room looks like a war zone. Clothes everywhere, trash, food... I feel very much un-lady-like whenever I look around in my room, but honestly, I just really can't be bothered to clean up. Like, I need to do my laundry, but that requires getting my dark and light clothes in different bags and I just can't make myself to move. I think I'm just going to go for another nap or something. The room can wait, it's not that someone else is going to see it anyway :(

but yeah, I might add something more later, because I'm just really not sure what else should I tell you guys :(

Talk to you soon xx

gif from '

triptychyung' :) I typed in the search 'sick gif' so that's pretty ambiguous, but this gif is just yes, because it's Twenty one pilots <3

Is it dullness, saddness or emotionless?

So I told you in the morning that I was suspiciously happy

And now Im sad. Like, not too sad, but just sad. I tried dancing, I tried singing, but nothing really seems to have an effect on me. I just keep sighing with every sentence in my head and feel a little bit like crying.
I'm not sad because something happened. Nothing happened. I'm not sad because sad song came on. It didn't. I'm not sad because I'm tired. I love the feeling of tiredness, because it means I did something today. I'm not sad because I broke a candle at work - its not the end of the world. I guess I'm sad because I woke up happy. That's the only explanation I can think of.

I feel like going to sleep just to erase this day from my life. It was such a dull day I bet I wont remember it. The time passes so quickly with this new job, I have one month of summer left and I did nothing with it. I mean, what summer, its been raining all the god damn time. But it doesnt matter, right? I'll have a lot of summers ahead to enjoy.

I'm sad, I dont want to think happy thoughts. I want to break more stuff and I just want to let myself cry a little bit. I actually haven't had a panic attack or a big cry for a long time now. I guess its a good thing, but what I'm afraid of is that it will all come together and it will be really bad. You know what I mean? I've changed since last year. I hated crowds, I hated people staring at me, I hated being noticed. Now I dont really care about it. I got used to being someone's interest. I learnt how to ignore it even if it still hurts that same someone. I mean, its not exactly my problem, I'm always going to put myself first, but if I honestly show no intentions of hm... 'hanging out' with you, why would you keep trying? Like, if I change my mind, I'll let you know.
And with that thought, I reversed the situation and that's probably partly why Im not in the mood. I've messaged someone today and we talked so briefly I felt like I was annoying the person. You know how much I hate being annoying (like bad annoying, not joking annoying, because I love that). My anxiety screams put the phone down, log off from messanger or whatever, just hide until they will notice that you're gone. Or maybe wont notice. See? I treat people the way I'd hate to be treated. But how do I show/tell someone I'm not interested? 'sorry mate your jokes about us getting together are lame and can you please stop its making me uncomfortable'? I'd rather ignore the 'flirty' bit, if that's ok.
I am really useless when it comes to relationships, aren't I?

Anyway, I think I'm going to bed now, tomorrow is going to be a busy day for me, so I'll probably won't post (unless I'll find time in the morning, but I really doubt that)

love you all xx

 gif from 'gorunwithsissors.' :)

That excitement over nothing

You know that feeling where you're just so excited you cant sleep? Because just before I went to bed I had it and it was so very hard to sleep. Even though I was smiling as a little kid.

No, nothing much happened, I was just really happy about talking to a certain person. You know me, getting excited over nothing and then it all disappears. So I just don't wanna talk about it for now. Maybe some time later. But anyway, what was strange enough, I woke up in a good mood as well. I doubt that's a good thing, because I also sang to my alarm, which I never do. I just believe that if you start your morning in that great of a mood, the mood in the evening will be bad. It's a saying in Lithuanian culture and golly Gosh so many times it came true. So I'm trying not to get too happy, you know? Hell knows what can happen during this day. Like, I'm supposed to get a lift from one of the co-workers, but nor I know his name, nor I have his number if something happened. Fun times. Just yesterday I talked to this person that works in the werehouse as well and they said since the bus didn't stop for them (too full), they had to take a taxi and it cost about 24 quid to get to work. Mine would be around 30-40 and I do not feel great paying that amount for travelling. So yeah, not sure what I'm supposed to do. Should I go for the bus? Should I trust the person to actually pick me up?

Either way, I'm doing quite great. I don't have much of a social life and I would probably sell my soul for a good night out right now, but at least I have a really good team that I work and joke around with. There are so many great people there and I do want to be able to talk to them. Its the stupid anxiety that makes me just wait for someone to talk to me first. Honestly, I can never think of a conversation starter. And most of the conversation I'm being sarcastic anyway (which most people dont understand and just call me rude). But I'm not sure if I should call this my problem or theirs. Either way, I don't know how to handle a simple conversation and that bugs me sometimes.

That's it for this morning, I still have to get ready and leave xx

gif from 'plumkat' ;)

Very descriptive, I know

Yes yes, haven't posted, been busy, you know what's my excuse

To be fair, I went to visit my cousin on Monday and got back only on Tuesday evening, so I didn't really fancy turning my laptop on and writing something. Anyway, it was really awesome :3 we visited some parks, we talked a lot and it was just so nice to actually relax with someone, I haven't done that in a while. Like yea, I have my coursefriends, we chill while watching a movie or something, but our talks are somewhat the same. With my cousin it was so different, it was just so... relaxing. I guess it's way too hard to trust someone who's not my blood relative.
I talked to my Auntie yesterday as well and it was really nice as well. We didn't complain as much as we usually do and it's just so relaxing.

I'm actually not even sure what I want to write, I'm not even supposed to write this early, I can barely open my eyes anyway, but I probably wanted you guys to know I'm doing fine. Maybe the only problem is is that I'm a bit of an overthinker and there is something I can't quite yet to tell you, but I will as soon as I know more. Nothing serious, don't worry :3 just me being stupid haha

anyway, I'm going to go and eat before leaving, because I'm just that lazy to think in the morning. Love ya xx

gif from 'neqx ' ;)

Lazy day

Im pretty sure you know the reason I didnt want to post anything yesterday.

My best friend messaged me today and we talked and it was really nice, but it made me realise that I've decided to bring my blog back at the dulliest point of my life. All I do is eat, sleep and work. I don't talk to any boys, I dont go out, I barely meet up with anyone. Although I did start to talk to my cousin more often, it's quite strange, but I do enjoy it. You probably noticed, that my family is super important to me, so this, this is a good step for me.

I spent my whole day in bed. Any time I had to stand up was to go to the kitchen to get some snacks or just use the bathroom. That's pretty much it. And as dull as it has been, I've never felt more relaxed than today. No worries, no responsibilities, nothing. I guess I kinda miss this with all the work and stuff. I mean, I'm a lazy person, so no wonder I'll spend any minute I have in bed. I thought of going to Nottingham for a day or two, but I'm supposed to get my period these days and I would not like to bleed on someone else's bedsheets. I mean, that's pretty disgusting (yes, it's a natural process, but it's still staining, therefore, ew). So I'll have to postpone that. But hey, that gives me time to actually tidy up my room a bit, because whenever I'm back from work, everything goes on THE CHAIR and it's piled up a bit now. It's a good thing my flatmate is not in, I enjoy being in the flat by myself. Like for today, I cant be arsed to wash my dishes or just, you know, get dressed, so walking in my pyjamas is that freedom I love. I mean, I will walk in pjs when my flatmates are in, but you should(not) see my legs. I'm waiting for hair to grow out long enough for me to wax it, so it looks terrible these days. Like, I don't like showing off my legs anyway, I always wear tights if I go out anywhere. But it's just for myself, you know? I love smooth legs, they give me that confidence and comfort. And the feeling I can take care of myself. Gosh, I havent treated myself in ages. No hairmask, no facemask, no feetmask, nothing. Was quite tempted to do hair mask today, but as I said, it's a very VERY lazy day and I just couldnt be bothered to move that much.

Even writing this makes me want to fall down in my pillow pile and just watch Kitchen nightmares for another hour or so.

Either way, I cant wait for something exciting to happen so I could tell you guys about it :3

gif from 'drane999' ;)

*winky face*

Good morning!

Quick update on why I haven't posted yesterday - was literally so tired I was tempted not to even go to the shower (to which I did, by the way). I'm about to head to work, but just wanted to wish everyone a great day, because hey, its Friday! :3

I'm allowed to be

Gonna be honest with you,
this week is going to suck hard.

This Saturday is going to be exactly 4 years when I've lost my most precious person in the world. And it sucks that I'll be stuck at work all day, I'll have to smile to people and pretend that I won't be dying inside. Not just werehouse, no. I'll also have to work at the club. All the music, all those happy people... I'm pretty sure that at some point I'll just lose it and cry my feelings out. Because oh boy I will cry. I know one year it was so bad I called my aunt and I couldnt say a word and I got her really worried until she realised what day it was and started calming me down. It was so bad I woke up with all the capillaries popped under my eyes, throat scratched because it was hard to breathe. It was that bad, I miss Her so very much it kills me every time someone asks where my Parents are. Sometimes I just reply with 'in Lithuania' or just talk as if my Aunties are my Parents, sometimes I tell people and I get that 'oh I'm so sorry' and every time I just want to rip their eyes out saying that this sorry wont help to bring them back. Sometimes it gets so bad, I miss them so terribly much I take scissors in my hands ready to just cut myself and join Them. And then I look at my tattoo and it saves me. It saves me every time. It reminds me how much my Parents went through to give me everything I wanted, to bring me up the way I am and just how proud They are of where I am now. I couldn't do this to Them. Not when They sacrificed so fucking much. I couldnt look Them in the eyes in the afterlife if I did this to myself.
When my Dad died, my Mum went to the psychic and she told Her that if I keep looking to my Dad's pictures he's gonna call me to him. Well, basically, I'll be dead as well. So I grew up barely seeing my Dad's pictures. And just after my Mum passed, I have my parents pictures in my room. I'm not actually sure if that's because I kinda want them to call me to Them or just because I'm afraid I might forget to remind myself of what I've lost.

Dont get me wrong, I love my life, I really do. I love the way I learned to smile and laugh at the smallest thing, I love the way I cheer up people who need to be cheered, I love making people around me laugh, I love knowing I do something good. I love to do what I'm doing. I'm so fucking proud of myself and I know my Parents are. It's just those moments that get me, you know? I am allowed to be sad. I'm allowed to have days when I don't want to leave my bed and just pretend no one around me exists. I'm allowed to cry.

Since now I officially know I have depression, I can proudly say I'm dealing with it. I have my dark days, but my bright days are much better than it used to me. I learned how to be happy.

Love you guys xx

gif from 'hissmilemydeath' :)

DONT. WAKE. ME. UP.

Meeting new people is scary!
Even though they are quite awesome. With my anxiety and shit, I find it quite difficult to talk to new people. But I found this Lithuanian chick on facebook, we live in the same city, so we messaged each other and went out together with her bf and brother. It was quite fun, even though I had to message my Auntie saying 'just in case, ok?' - I just want to be safe, is that too much? But it was quite a fun evening, you know? we had some drinks, we played some cards, I was freaking invited to one of their Birthday's this weekend. Who invites new people to their birthdays?? #coolpeople
Who's not cool, on the other hand, is my new flatmate. GOD I HATE HER GUTS RIGHT NOW. Like, it might just be now, but she is soooo annoying. Like, I was getting ready to go out yesterday, she called me saying 'oh sorry I left my laptop in the kichen, could you put it in the cupboard for me please' and me, being a good person, did what she asked. I got back around one, got in my bed, fell asleep and you know what? She called me around freaking two in the morning to ask if her laptop is ok. LAPTOP. I would understand if it was a baby or smth, but a freaking laptop, which is in the freaking cupboard. She asked me to go and check it while shes on the phone, I told her I'm asleep, she asked me to bring it to my room. Just so I could go back to sleep I went, got her laptop, brought it to my room and told her to NOT WAKE ME UP IN THE FUCKING MORNING BECAUSE OF IT. And you guess what. She fucking knocked at my door in the freaking morning 'can I get my laptop now?' NO THANK YOU. NO SORRY FOR MAKING YOU GET UP TWO FUCKING TIMES, nothing. I'm honestly so pissed off right now. You guys know how much calls in the middle of the night scare me. You know why. And you probably also know I hate being woken up. Like, bitch, c'mon, its my last day off and you are being paranoied about your fucking laptop. I really wanted to smash it to her face this morning, but you know, I'm a good person afterall.

Anyway, I was planning on calling the surgery to have an appointment for this thing on my skin, but obviously I didn't wake up in time (stupid English booking rules) and now I'll have to wait another week because I have work for another four days. Fml, I know. I'm just so unhappy today and its all because of some paranoed chick who lives in the same flat as me.

Anyway, Imma go and finish my leftover pizza, have my coffee and wants some Marvel Agents of Shield.

love you guys xx

gif from 'geekylaugifs' ;)

Adulthood much?

I swear to God my Nan is just the best :D I really wanted some Lithuanian food to make and I called her to ask for a recipe and we continued to talk for almost two hours. I managed to get dressed, go to the shops, get back and crawl back to bed all while being on the phone with my Grandma <3 we could probably talk all day without noticing how time passes, bless her ^-^

But yeah, Lithuanian food. I really wanted to make like a potato cake and then beetroot soup, but when I got back I've realised I've left my grater at my old house, so no potato cake for me. But I still made soup! Wasnt as good as my Nan can make, but hey, at least I tried and I actually ate it. Gonna get my grater back soon and make the potato cake as well, because I just want to eat something that reminds me of home. I even bought Lithuanian beer from the European shop, because I just feel like it. Like, when I've started working at the werehouse I saw a lot of European people just being in a small groups of their own (as in Bulgarians with Bulgarians, Polish with Polish and so on) and I think I've started to appreciate my nationality more. That and I actually miss my home. I miss my village, I miss my family and I miss the views of Lithuania. It is such a beautiful country afterall. I miss driving through our roads, being able to understand everything and just be confident while walking down the street. I miss the feeling I get when I look around and I see people who has similar view to mine, who were brought up the same way as I was raised. England is just a little bit too complicated for me. All the rights, equality and that other bullshit where you try not to offend anyone is way too complicated for my simple brain. As a person who doesn't like to insult people because of who they are, I find it quite difficult to keep myself under the word 'nice person'. It's 'dont call him him, call one person they' and so on. There are people who identify themselves not even as human beings and that's just plain weird in my eyes. I'm sorry, yes, you be what you want to be, but if I try to talk to you as a normal person, don't get offended, please.
England is complicated. I love the freedom here, but I'd rather be somewhere, where people are more simple. I honestly miss Lithuania so much. I know I can't live there because the minimum wage there is stupid and prices of everything is huge, but if I could, God, I would go back and wouldnt even doubt my decision. My aunt keeps saying that I did a mistake by coming here and I agree now. I know I did wrong and I know I'll have to finish what I've started here, I can't just quit and pretend I haven't done my mistake. Yes, my diploma will me awesome, I love my degree, but it doesn't mean I wont regret being 27k in debt for it. I regret it now. Who thought that 18 year old kids are adults enough to make such decision as in taking a loan for studies? I know I'm not much older, I'm only 20, but honestly, if I could, I would slap myself in the face and order myself to stay in Lithuania. Or just go somewhere where you wouldnt need to get a loan to get a degree.

I'm getting quite serious here, aren't I? I kept thinking about money for the last couple of days and its just adding up. Gosh I hope I'll turn out fine. I cant even start to think what am I gonna do after I finish uni ;/

anyway, talk to you soon, gonna go and clean my room a bit xx

gif from 'heartmoth ' ;)

Random stuffy

Hello hello!

I'm still here and I'm so proud of myself. Not sure what's gonna come out today tho as it was only work today. I mean, I woke up and checked my bank account just to realise that I've been taxed which should not have happened as I'm a student and it proper pissed me off, but hey, I'll get it back, so no worries.
Work was pretty chill, had a good laugh with few of the colleagues. Feet hurts again, but I just say it means I had a good exercise. Like, 10 hours at work and then around an hour of walking from the station to my flat. Imma get sooooo fit >:D maybe thats why I ordered a freakin takeaway. I need a treat and what can be better than food, right? I was feeling like Indian takeaway today (idk, maybe because I'm surrounded by them all day... or maybe because someone was microwaving their food and it was a smell of chicken tikka and I couldnt stop thinking about it).

Oh, you know what's funny? I've been ranting about my ex-crush yesterday and guess whom I see online first thing in the morning? It's like my facebook knows what I dont want to see and just shows it anyway. Its quite annoying, really. I don't want to admit that I will never ever talk to the guys again, so they're still in my facebook friends list, but every time their name pops up I just wanna close the tab and go do something else so I wouldnt need to see it. You get me? Its like ghosting people you already ghost.

Honestly, I have nothing to say today. I was just starring through the window thinking what else should I mention and nothing comes to my mind. I heard someone pronouncing my last name correctly but just because they were from Eastern Europe as well. Tbf not sure if Eastern, but somewhere around there. I'm not too bad with geography, I just dont know where is this person from. But yeah, hearing it was really really nice. I mean, I have a laugh with British people and their attempt to pronounce it correctly, but for once in a while it was a really nice change. I think I'm starting to miss Lithuanian language a little bit. I only message or call to my Aunties or Uncle in Lithuanian (well, ocasionally a friend, but that's like once a week) and we dont really talk much anyway, so it's getting quite stupidly hard to say a proper sentence without putting an English word in it. I got so used to talk in English, honestly, even if I don't know a word, I know how to explain it. And when I speak in lithuanian, I just automatically get the word in English and try to translate the freaking description from English. And I'm not even that good at my spoken English, I stutter whenever I have to say more than one sentence, even with one, if it has complicated words in it I get confused. Like, I dont like listening to myself while I speak. And it makes it difficult because I'm so used just to murmuring to myself, others find it hard to understand me or hear me. Sad, I know.

That somehow reminded me that we all decided that I am crazy in a good way (hopefully). I was wearing my sweater saying 'normal people scare me' (AHS reference btw) and people would come up to me and ask why and then at the end of the conversation they would just nod and say that it means I'm crazy. Some guys even giggled that I probably love Harley Quinn and that I'm looking for a Joker. WELL, I dont need an abusive relationship, but having someone would probably be quite nice. Not that I know how relationships work.

Anyway, that's it from me for today, Imma go get my food and go to bed.

Love you x

p.s. sorry about the adds, if I learn this won't get me any extra money, I'll take them down xx

gif from ' ipanicaboutbrendonurie' ;)

That sudden realisation

You know, today was the day of reminiscing.

I guess it's my pms or something, I've been in a bad mood all day. Not that it's not usual for me, I'm always complaining (I do know that, I just don't know what else to say when I have nothing to be happy about). But yeah, I have been thinking about old days (lol, old) when I was friends with my boys. Well, not mine anymore, but you know, guys I used to hang out with. Especially that one I liked. It's so easy to say I used to like him when now each memory is accompanied with a shrug and a thought 'how stupid you were'. I was trying to find a reason I liked him, I was remembering every touch, every stare, everything and I was not sure why I let him do what he did. Maybe I was desperate. Maybe I wanted someone to actually love me. The only problem was, stupid me didn't realise that it wasn't out of love. Maybe out of boredom? Out of.... well, I dont believe we were ever sober while making out. Maybe it was alcohol talking-doing. Anyway, I feel so stupid right now. I loved the kisses, I loved the touches, but what's out of it if I could never ask it myself? That it was only when he wanted to. I feel disgusting I let myself fall for a man like him. Can I even call him a man? I mean, we were friends once, I shouldn't say mean things about people who shaped my character, right?
The worst thing was, it was so.... I don't know the word for it, not in English, not in Lithuanian. It's just... he knew when to be there when I needed, he knew what I wanted and he knew how to get what he wants. He was my friend, ok? And I know I miss him, I really do, but at the same time I hate how he treated me those last few months. I felt broken and ashamed and I felt like I was dragged through the mud and been made fun of whenever I was around or even not around. And then I would get thoughts that maybe he doesnt even remember me when I'm not around? because I cant remember the last time any of the guys invited me over. It's like if I didnt make an effort, I didn't exist for them. That's not friendship, is it?
I am upset, dont get me wrong. If I consider someone my friend, I love them unconditionally and I would do anything for them, but after some time, I want to know I'm actually needed. Even with my current best friend. She hasn't messaged me in days, I believe I know why she's mad, even tho she claims she's not, but that's not how it works. I tried messaging her a few times after the incident, she did reply, but I would never get that first message the next day. I can't deal with it. I need to know I'm needed.
Even my aunt. I called her today, because she told me to call her around the time I get back from work and when I tried, she declined the call. I tried again and again. Then tried after two hours and she picked up. I was like 'yaaaas, I'll get to talk to a person that truly loves me' and all I got was 'mh, yeah' answers while I was talking about my day. Like, I doubt she even listened to what I was saying. You have no idea how much this hurt. I just wanted to talk to her. To hear her being mad about things I was mad about and just be there for me. She was the one who told me to call in the first place. I actually feel so lonely today. I was standing in the shower and I was shaking even though then water was hot. I need my warmth, I need someone to actually hold me in their arms and say that they do care about me. Even when I say I dont care about anything, I care about so much. I need someone by my side.

And I'm really sorry this is my petty me talking. I was so sad today, I just wanted to talk to someone. And now I've realised no one wants to listen.

I love you guys so much xx

gif from 'imtheonlyjoker' :)

My little misunderstood world

Don't you just love a good company while working?
Because I do, I really do. I appreciate people who are friendly and create nice atmosphere in the workplace. Time goes quicker, it's way more interesting to do the monotonic job and in general, it's just nice to be around nice people. I was super impressed by how friendly I've been accepted by my colleagues.
I mean, not all of them, but who cares about the ones who are negative, right? I'm afraid to sound racist, because I really hope that I am not, but Indian men are so... repulsive? Is that the word you use when someone just doesnt attract you? Like, one tried to flirt with me and basically manipulate me into doing something with him, the second one keeps staring while I'm working and tells everyone he wants to take me out. That's honestly the only reason I say to people I have a boyfriend, because I don't need that constant 'go out with me' shit. It's really bad, that I have to lie, right? I don't feel good about it, but hey, if that makes my life better, I don't mind.
I was told I'm super chill. This one person whom I really enjoy working besides said he was trying to piss me off for two hours and I just didn't care. He said he likes that about me. Well, I like that too. I will not let anyone to piss me off if I won't want to piss off on someone (confusing sentence alert??) anyway, yes, my new job is going great so far, the only thing I regret is that I can't make it there and club at the same time, so I had to reduce my hours at the nightclub. Hopefully I'll come back for good when uni starts :3
Oh, and continuing on the Indian men topic, is it just me, or someone else also noticed that all/most of them wont even try to be a girls friend, they go straight to 'yeah, so I'm rich, I have so many degrees and a house' or smth and all it tells me is that he is a freaking show off. I really dont want to be rude, its just after some time it just became automatic for me to get really careful around them. White boys, on the other side, is another deal. Like, I don't know why, but I can admire others but I will initially be more attracted to Lithuanians. Is that bad? I mean, in my country we don't have many foreigners and I was living in a village where everyone was pretty racist and it seemed pretty normal. I grew up believing that another race is something I should be avoiding at all costs. Maybe that's why I'm like that? Anyway, don't want to upset anyone, I'm really sorry if what I've posted here insults anyone. It's just when I came to England, everyone is so different, so.... free? Like, in Lithuania, when I told my family I might be bisexual, they laughed at me. I haven't met anyone not straight in my first 18 years. I only saw few other race people and it was mainly because some 'stupid girls' from our village got married to them. And I came here and I'm getting called rude because Im not sure how everything works. Oh my God I still can't explain to my family what non-binary person is. Dont even get me started about the whole lgbt community, they just dont get it. In my country it's looked down at. For being open minded and saying that a person can do whatever the hell it wants with his life I was like a black sheep in my family. Even my friends would tell me to stop being stupid, that I was crazy and etc. I grew up in that environment and I really, I really try to be a nice, understanding person. I have so much to learn. Another thing which struck me is how you have to be careful about your clothing here. Not as in don't show your ankle or smth, but my friend saw a nice dress, but she didn't buy it because it had African ornaments on it an she said she didn't want to offend African people. To be fair, I've never thought about it. Even now, I wore this thing similar to Indian clothing to the club and no one told me anything. Like, was that bad? What if I do like that clothing? Is that discrimination against me then? Honestly, this free world is so confusing and sometimes all I want to do is go back to my tiny village where no one has ever heard of something called offending someone's persona. It's just so strange for me....

Anyway, gonna finish my tea and get to bed, I gotta wake up so early for work :((

gif from 'nightimethinker' ;)

It makes me so angry, when boys are being boys

'Oh, you look like a girl who smokes weed and parties a lot' - a sentence I have heard for a few times now. HOW? HOW THE HELL DO I LOOK LIKE THAT?!! It makes me so angry, honestly.

The last guy that said this to me got the question why and replied with 'oh because you're pretty, so I just assumed, because most pretty girls are like that'. You know what? Them pretty girls are only make up and outside. They dont have the freaking inside to show so they just fill it with alcohol and drugs. I'm pretty happy with my personality (minus anxiety and depression), I can have fun without these things and it would be as much fun as while being intoxicated. I'm not saying I dont drink at all, I drink when I want, but that's a rare thing. To be fair, I drank yesterday. I bought a can of archers and lemonade because it was discounted and I drank it because I felt like it. But that doesnt make me a girl who drinks a lot. I tried weed in my life, yes, but that defo doesnt make me a girl who does it every freaking day. I actually despise people who drink or smoke too much. Some of my relatives have problems with alcohol, I'm not denying it, but it only makes it worse. I see how badly it affects someone and I just cant deal with it. I dont want to put myself through the same thing they're going. So being told I look like someone who drinks or parties a lot is not a compliment. It's a freaking insult. I hate it. I know I have bags under my eyes and it looks like I've been on some heavy drugs for quite some time but it's just me not getting my sleep and not eating properly. It's because I'm tired, not because I drink.
Its so annoying, I tell you.
I've lost friends because of weed. I still see them on facebook or snapchat but I haven't talk to them in ages. I don't want to. because last couple of times I've met up with them they were stoned. I didn't enjoy it at all. So I cut that off my life. I don't need it. I will find friends who are fine without weed in their life.

After I got mad about this, he asked 'oh so you're one of those good girls then' and it made me even more angry. Yes I am a good girl, is that a problem? Is it a problem I chose to take care of my body? Whats wrong with doing what I want to do? Do I look like an easy score to someone then? Because you know what? Fuck them. I told this to one guy, I will tell this to the others as well. I dont want sex before marriage. Its a lie, dont get me wrong, I'm pretty sure I couldn't control myself for that long, but I did notice that it gets rid of all the fuckboys when they realise I will not fuck around. I had guys saying 'we'd just cuddle, no sex, come over'; I had guys saying 'oh, its ok, we'll get to sex eventually, we can just make out for now' and I believe none of this. I need them to understand that sex for me is not something I'd just do with a random person. For me, sex is something you do with a person that you love. Someone whom you'd love to make happy. Not a stranger that wouldn't know what to do with you. It might sound old fashioned, but I dont like people screwing around. Yes, its 21st century, everyone does it but honestly, I stayed virgin for 20 years, I dont mind waiting more.

I don't know how I got to the sex topic, but the point is, don't say that all pretty girls are party animals and alcoholics, thats so not true.

Thats it for now, gonna go and knit some more x

gif from 'fresherbrine' ;)

What did I use to post here anyway?

Days off are the best, honestly!

I wake up whenever I want, I do whatever I want and I can rest as much as I like. It's awesome. I even started knitting (ok, lets skip the fact that I did that to calm myself down). I've decided I'm gonna knit a 'scarf' which I will stuff into pillow case to have an extra pillow on my bed. So far I have 5 decorative ones, two proper sleeping ones and one pillow case that is empty (it says "I need more sleep'' so I'm keeping it on the bed in case someone forgets I love sleep). I love pillows, I could have them all over my place.OH MY GOSH I FORGOT to count Brad in. Haven't cuddled with him in ages now :( but yeah, he's there as well, making sure that if I don't sleep calmly, I wouldnt bang my head to the wall.
I had chocolate and coffee for breakfast. Like a proper adult, amirite? I'm so out of ideas of what to cook for myself that doesnt involve meat which I always forget to buy. Pasta and eggs were my food for probably past five months so I don't even want to look at them anymore. I want pancakes, but honestly, so lazy to actually make it. Don't want to go to the store and spend more money since I'm only getting paid on Friday, so gonna have to survive somehow until then.

You know, my new view from the window is a car park. And while I'm writing this, I see people parking their cars and I'm so jealous they can drive here. I miss driving so mch. I did drive in Lithuania for a bit and it was amazing. I just wish I could do it more often. Cars are so fun.  Can't wait to get back to Lithuania and buy a car and just drive around all the freaking time. Aghhh, I need to save some money for it. Freaking expensive rent that I'll have to pay here :(
Anyway, I've decided to start being more adult now. Be responsible, save my money and do stuff adults do, like, reading books for their own pleasure, knitting, cleaning my room and just having my life together. Kinda feel like going on some online dating page, but that thing called love is not my priority at the moment. I have that 'please dont talk to me' moment now and every guy that messages me is going to get ignored (for which I am really sorry, it's just me as a person).

Anywayyy, today is pampering day, so I'm gonna go and make myself look pretty :3

talk to you later xx

gif from 'sober-in-seattle' ;) honestly, I'd love it if someone took care of me :(

Short notice

As you have noticed, I have changed my blog a little bit. I really hope you like what I did with the place! (yea, narcissistic side of mine told me to be diva and post selfies, because everything here revolves around me)

To be fair, I couldn't stop thinking about my blog. I remember how much it helped me when it was a difficult time for me, it helped me to improve on my written English and just in general, I enjoy telling people about myself, so why not do that, right? So I really hope to acutally get back into habit of writing here again. There is an option here to get some ads on my blog, and since every penny counts, I hope you guys dont mind a few of them lying around here. Maybe you'll see something funny or ironic and send me a screenshot. Like if I talk about how fat I feel and there is going to be an add of how to lose weight fast or something. That would be quite funny, I guess.

Another reason was the annonymous commenter on my Summertime post. Like, I honestly didn't know if anyone was still reading this, that someone didnt give up on refreshing this page from time to time. It is so very important to me. I really dont want to let someone down, especially when that someone cares of how am I. Love you my dear x

So starting today, I am hanging a reminder on my wall to write to my blog daily. If I don't, there will probably be a good reason (like work, it is a really good reason as before and after it I just want to sleep). But I will try, ok?

Thank you for being here xx

gif is from 'zarb' blog ;)

Manipulate me? Lol, have fun trying

June has been great, honestly!I mean, at least my visit to Lithuania was, anyway. I loved it there, I didn't realise how much I've missed everyone and how much I wanted to stay there. It was really hard not to miss my plane on purpose...

But I'm back in England now, the weather is nice and I have finally moved out of the house to the accommodation! It was such a fuss I was so stressed out I can still feel the feeling lingering. I'm in a debt too so obviously I will not rest until I pay it back. I'm so glad I have someone in my family who has money all the time. I have no idea what would I have done without the help. Felt so very stupid, because I was actually happy to know that this year I've managed to make it without borrowing any money and then the last fucking minute it came up that we didn't understand each other properly (I mean the agency I'm renting from). But as long as I moved in it's fine, I dont need to stress about it anymore. My room is just tiny bit bigger than my previous one but I kinda like the small space, it gives me less work to make it cozy. I still can't quite sleep well here, but thats probably because I still didnt find a place for every thing I own. But yeah, it's fine, I'm ok. I guess. One of the flatmates moved in as well, but haven't really spend any thime with her yet. I was just so busy with work and stress and all I wanted was to sleep it off. Hopefully it is going to be alright later in the year.
Anyway. I've got another job in the werehouse for the summer! The job is quite easy, but I guess my feet are just not used of me standing up for 10-11h straight. I'll get used to it, of course, but for now it just burns so much. But the money is good and we all know I'm a freaking materialist. Already have a list hanging on my wall what will I need to buy when I get paid (clothes and food, obviously).

But if I'm being honest, I opened my blog to talk about Manipulative People. I know I had to briefly tell you how I've been but I've met someone who was manipulative and I knew I had to express myself on this topic. Let me be clear - I hate manipulative people. I hate them will all I've got and I will not let anyone play with me or my feelings. Ok, so it started when I've started my other job. This guy seemed pretty fun to hang out with at work, because it's always better to have someone to have a laugh with during the shift. But then he found me on facebook and kept messaging like day and night. Being me, I kind insulted him at the end of the shift so before all the messages started, I've messaged him saying sorry and explained why I'm being this way. He was like yeah got you dont worry I'm not gonna hurt you or smth like that. But after that he kept messaging me and every time he tried to pick a fight so he could make me feel guilty and basically just keep apologizing. So knowing me, because I hate apologising anf annoying messaging, I told him he's my work buddy not my friend so he should stop messaging me on my facebook.  He started saying I'm being rude for no reason so I did what I always do, I blocked him from my feed. I was like YAAAS FREEDOM, NO MORE MESSAGES!!! and the next day he fucking found me on instagram and sent another message saying oh you should apologise I told our manager you were good and etc.. Didnt even accept the message, fuck off mate. Havent seen him at work since beacuse he had some days off and thank God - I dont really want to see him anyway.So yeah, manipulative. I did tell him I hate when people push me and that my friends were really terrible to me for the last year and I have major trust issues when it comes to new people. So in my eyes, he took it to his advantage by making me want to keep him around. Lol, I've spend 20 freaking years by myself, I'm really comfortable this way. So before I got attached or any way involved I blocked myself out. Making people do something against their will with them not even realising it is really, like, really low. And I've been through this already. That's why I'm antisocial, that's why I dont talk to someone if they dont talk to me first. That's why I have trust issues with everyone and I feel insecure 24/7 about everyone that surrounds me. Even my friends whom have proven to be nice, even then I get scared they're actually just playing me. Sometimes I even think that my family is nice to me just because they pity me. Thats how insecure I am about other people. Another thing added up  when I went for my medical examination for my driving license and they told me I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 15. I didn't even know that. I knew I had depression but I never knew it was in my medical records. And I cant stop thinking about it. I'm a broken person, ok? All of my pieces are glued with tape and it is so easy to remove it, I'm freaking afraid to even tell someone about it. Sometimes I think I want to get help about this, but whenever I get that thought I remember all of my visits to psychologists and I dont need more questions asked. I have enough in my head on my own. So yeah, if someone tries to manipulate me, my guards will go up so much I will not be afraid to push that person out of my life for good. I finally learned how to put myself first, I learned how to take care of myself and I will not sacrifice this for someone I barely know.

Its just this time for me is really hard. I have two jobs, I almost lost my club job because of the other one and I've been so stressed out lately. I can't deal with it, let alone if someone tries to add it up by annoying me. It was as if karma is getting back to me for something. Plus all the strangers started messaging me and I just want to block all of them. Why people want to talk to me when I want to be all alone so desperately? God I miss my Mum. It was all so much easier when I had Her around.

I need to cry now, talk to you soon, hopefully xx