I think I might have a knock on my door after this...again.

Do you have those days when you just want to stay in bed?
I mean, it might be because I'm pretty sick, but I have another theory.

It's not a secret, I suppose, that I'm a pretty stubborn kid. You know, I can be fine with most of the stuff until certain level, but when I feel like someone starts to boss me around when they have no right to do it, my bitch mood activates. And I don't mean in a good way. Like, for two days now, I've been in my room and whatever I used (chopping board, saucepans) I washed them after myself. For two days we have people over downstairs and all the takeaways and shit, you know how it goes. And now I get a message to clean up after that. Like, how often do you see me there? I'm either asleep, at uni, at work or in my room. Unless I'm in the mood to hang out with someone, then I go downstairs, but hey, I love my room.
Anyway, I actually feel really mad today. We were supposed to go to Costco today. All of us. It's a great place to shop if you want to save money and one of their friends have the membership, so, using the opportunity. Now, last times, they at least would wake me up and ask if I would want to go. Today? Nopity nope. Nothing. And then they come back and somehow I have to clean up after them. Not very nice, is it? But hey, I'm a nice person, I'm not saying it out loud. Obvs, I know they read my blog and probably curse me everytime I mention them, but honestly, I write about my life, if you don't want to be part of it, do it.
Oh, and my friends went out yesterday :)))))))) very fun for them, I assume. You know what triggered me? Whenever I wanted to go out, no one wanted to. And then when I'm working, everyone decides to go out. Lovely. I can't tell how much I'm not offended (yes, sarcasm).
At least I had great time at work. I honestly love people I work with so much. I probably would have gone mad by now if not my work. It's such a relieve from everything around me. Like, I leave my house nearly in tears how much I don't want to be here anymore, and I start my shift and I can't wipe smile from my face. So you can imagine how stressed I felt when I've realised we won't be open 4 days a week during holidays. Gotta get myself a job during those few weeks to work for those Christmas presents.
Oh, talking about them! I know girls already brought presents, but with our current relationship, I feel like it's a bad idea to do this. Like, I hate hurrying up and buying presents and now I actually know why. I don't know how the relationship can flow during this month, right? And I know it's nice to give gifts, but can I really afford being so nice? I mean, if not my blog, they'd probably wouldn't even know I don't feel good around them.

I was supposed to go to the guys today, but I'm not even sure I want now. I missed them like hell, but they haven't replied to my question when could I come by, so I just assume they're too busy for me. Not too worry, I understand. They study engineering, they're obviously really busy with assignments. Or that's just my excuse for them not being friendly. Well, as long as I have in my mind that they're my friends, I should be fine, right?

Yeah, I'm over thinking everything. Again. Sorry. I should go back to my tv-shows and food (ugh, so hungry :| )

talk to you later xx

gif is from 'fuck-off-motherfucker' ;)

Meh, too lazy for the title

Kids, don't do a mistake I did yesterday.

Well, at least I think that's what it was. I was so freaking tired by the end of my shift I went to sleep with my make up still on. I thought that was because it was fairly busy, but hey, I got used to it by now, it doesn't affect me this much.
So I rethought what I did before work and it acquired to me I took some pills to calm myself down. They're homeophatic, don't worry, but still, they make me so chill and I don't think about anything negative while they affect me. But then again, even if they are homeophatic, you still shouldn't mix them with alcohol and I totally forgot that I took them while being at work. Someone brought me a drink and I obviously gladly took it. So yeah, it couldn't be the drink that affected me, because it was barely alcoholic, but I felt a bit dizzy and all I wanted to do is go home and sleep. I didn't obviously, because I need money.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure my throat is getting worse. It's been hurting for almost a month now, but I ignored it as a silly symptom, but now I don't like how it feels at all. It's like there is a fester or something in my throat, so I'm gonna call surgery on Monday morning to get my appointment. I hope I won't need to wait a month or so, lol.

Ah, also, yesterday I've started thinking about quitting uni. Like, honestly, I thought about taking gap year (or however it's called) or quitting at all, because honestly, everything stresses me out for the past few months. I haven't been relaxed for a long time and whenever I try, something always comes up and messes up with my plans. I can't wait for Sunday, I'm meeting up with my boys! I honestly can't remember the last time I hung out with them properly. But that's mainly my fault, I tried avoiding few of them anyway. Long story, too lazy to go into that.

I just had a bath. It always calms me down, it's like letting all of my demons in the mist while I'm soaking in hot water. The only problem with it is that I eventually have to leave it. But anyhow, let's not talk about me being naked in the water, apparently that's very inappropriate.

Actually, let's finish here, I'm really lazy to press buttons on my keyboard. Gotta save myself for work, you know x

love you guys x

gif from 'ofallingstar' blog ;3

Judita 101

A little class about me and how to be my friend:
Prepare for some really sensitive information before reading

First and the most important thing to know is that I am easily scared of people. I might appear brave and everything, but as soon as I recognise signs of someone liking me (too much), I will fucking run away without looking back. I'm not kidding. You could say I'm like a cat. You have to... tame (?) me? You know why I love my guys so much? Because they were treating me as any other person. They weren't too nice, they weren't too rude, they were... they were friends. And I loved it so much, you have no idea. And then when I felt super down, they were there for me, knowing exactly what I needed. And they didn't talk about it afterwards, because I didn't want it to be a big deal. They understood me.

Now lets get to the part about my mood swings. You can say I'm neurotic. I get angry easily but at the same time, I can't stay mad for long. It's something I learnt from my Mum - she never held grudge on anyone. She was so kind and forgiving to everyone and I am so happy I got it from Her. But then again, because I lost my Dad quite early, I was spoilt. I got everything I wanted, I had people taking care of me constantly. In my early teenage years I had depression. I didn't try to kill myself, no, but I constantly talked about it. My step-dad left us, I hated everything around me, the only thing in my life that made me happy was my computer and my internet friends. I constantly fought with my Mum and you have no idea how much I regret that now. Whenever I got mad or sad my Mum was there for me and She helped to get me through it. I have no idea how She did it, but She did it every time. And when I lost Her, you can imagine what happened. My first panic attack after that - there was no one around to calm me down. I remember I was in our flat alone, screaming and crying so loud my neighbour came over to see if no one is hurting me. That was the first time I truly wanted to kill myself. I thought about slicing my wrists, I even cut my skin on my arm, but I felt that my parents wouldn't be proud of that. So I took a lot of pills to fall asleep and possibly never wake up. I was almost asleep when my uncle came to check on me and I know that after he saw me in that state, he got my Grandma to sleep over (that was before my auntie moved in with my brother and sister). But the moral is that I haven't found anyone who can deal with my mood swings as good as my Mum did. I mean, the closest I got was one of my guys, but it was still not the same. Honestly, that moment was probably when I realised how much I care about him. Even now, when I don't see him so often anymore, I can calm myself down just by remembering that moment.
So there you go. I'm unpredictable if we talk about my feelings. I can't guarantee I won't be a bitch to someone, I can't guarantee I would feel bad for hurting someone. I don't really know myself anymore. I can't understand how I function, but I try. And so far I think I'm doing just fine, knowing that I'm pretty fucked up.

Another thing about me? What else you need to know? Sometimes I hate people that I really love. Like on Monday, I hated my guys for telling me not to come over. But honestly, even at that time, if I had to do anything for them, I would have. You probably noticed I talk about my guys a lot. Well, to be honest, I don't have many friends. I know a lot of people, but I'm someone who would never ask someone to hang out first. I would feel like I'm being annoying and I hate being annoying. That's probably why I'd rather not hang out with my housemates. I mean, I love those girls, but I feel like I'm the third wheel when we're together. I can't stand being third wheel. I'm an attention whore, everyone knows that.

To conclude what I just wrote, I'm fragile. I'm as fragile as a person can be and it is so very easy to fuck me up. I'm so sorry if I look rude or bitchy, I am not, I swear. I just have my guards up all the time because I cannot afford to lose someone else who is precious to me. I have lost way too much already.
I hope you realise that I will always be up to hang out with anyone who invites me. Unless I feel like there is something else apart 'hanging out'. I don't do dates, ok? I'm scared of them. And I have to know you pretty well to be able to go on one. Last time I tried dating, I dumped guys after a second date.

Anyway, I hope this wasn't too shocking or depressing or in any way too upsetting. I want to be understood, I just don't know how to express myself.

Honestly, it's been such a busy week

Heyyyy, how are you guys?;3

I had a pretty busy week. First of all, I've tried going out on Monday. Let me tell you, that was a terrible disaster. The guy who likes me asked me to joining him and his friends for pre-drinks and then for clubbing. Now, I haven't been out for four months or so, so obviously I was pretty excited about it. I dressed up and everything, I was so in the mood, nothing could go wrong. Ah, how wrong I was. We went to pre-drinks, I met his friends, it was all fun and games until I realised they wanna go clubbing quite late. Now, in my experience, that means 'get waisted and then don't go anywhere' so I kept bugging them to go quicker. We went out of their flat around half eleven and let me tell you, those boys were already waisted. This guy who likes me was annoying me back in flat as he was trying to make me drink more than I wanted to, so my tactic outside was to have as much time away from him as possible, but then again he kept bugging me and you guys know how my mood swings works. Then I joked about him trying to grab my boob (cuz his hand accidentally hit my chest) and he started apologising as if it was a big deal. Now, not to sound like a slut or anything, but I had quite a few idiots doing that to me, so it's nothing that would put my mood down, but you know what did? He kept apologising after 15th time when I told him it's alright. Now yes, I know that might sound sweet, but guys, it is fucking annoying. I walked a bit faster and started talking with one of his friends, but then he started telling me how much his friend likes me and it was pretty awkward. Then the guy started apologising again which made me turn around and walk home. He chased after me STILL FUCKING APOLOGISING and I told him I don't want to see him again (or smth like that, I cant remember my exact words). I should be honest, I felt like crying just there in the middle of the street. I grabbed my phone, I texted my boys asking if I could come over (because being at home kills me) but they were like 'nah, we're about to go to bed'. I mean, you imagine how that felt, right? So I was trying to breathe as I was walking home and when I got back, no one in my house noticed I was crying. Like, I literally ran to the bathroom, closed the doors and sobbed for good 15 minutes before realising I still had my shoes on. I went to my room, but that was not really better. I was still having my panic attack and I was mad at the same time, poor things were flying all over my room. And just after I got a bit better and went to look for some meds, my housemate asked if I'm alright. Like, they missed me at my worst and then asked if I'm ok. Honestly, they were last people I wanted to see then, so I just went upstairs to my room again. I didn't even find my pills, so I had to rely on my breathing skills. They're not too good, by the way. And I did something else instead of which I'm not proud. Don't judge me, because I judge myself for that, but I took my nail scissors and I kind of bent through my wrist a couple of times. Not deep cuts, it were just scratches, but it hurt enough to get me back to my room from that awful place in my mind. After that I've put some music on, I lighted my candles, my fairy lights and I went to bed. I kept waking up as if I was scared of something, but next morning I was fine. Honestly, I felt great. I woke up being all energised and full of joy and I couldn't understand why. I even went to the gym that day. And then on wednesday I kept dancing at work because I was in such a good mood.
Yesterday wasn't too bad either. I submitted my assignment (I really hope I'll pass with it), but I felt so drained from everything around me. Honestly, as I posted on facebook, if I didn't love my job so much, it would have been really hard to go there. And today isn't too much better. Do you have people who just drains you when you spend too much time around them? I feel so tired if I hang out with my housemates for more than few hours. I don't mean this in a mean way, you know I'm a nice person, but sometimes I feel way better being in my room with my music on.
 Lol, it was so awkward ar work yesterday. Our dj came in, put the music on and disappeared. Like, I didn't mind, we weren't busy and we didn't have people in for a few good hours, but I imagine dj should be in his place when people are starting to come in, right? But he was nowhere to be seen. I texted our manager asking where he is and dj came in a minute later. he stood in his place for a couple of minutes and then disappeared again. Well, I understand if people are going out for a smoke, or to the toilet, but honestly, he was out for a good half an hour. Like, I wouldn't care much, but a person from the dance floor came to me asking if he could make a request for a song. Asking ME for a SONG. I told him to ask dj for this and he waved at the empty dj booth asking when he's back. I had to tell him that the dj is probably smoking or something and I saw he didn't believe me. Anyway, after that I texted my manager again and he told me to go and find him. I went downstairs and our dj is just standing there by the door, talking to bouncers. I told him people are looking for him and you know what he replied? 'Tell them I'm here'. Like, be sassy as much as you want, but do your fucking job. So obviously I told him that I'm sorry that I can't do his job as a dj for him because I don't know how. He did noooot look happy, but at least that got him upstairs to the dj booth for the rest of the evening. Honestly, he gets paid for it, least he could do is be there.Anyway, sorry about my rants, as I said, I had a pretty busy week. I feel a bit better after getting that out of me on here. I should probably start getting ready for work. I might be on the door tonight, so I have to find something pretty warm to wear.

Love you guys to the moon and back xx

gif is from 'giference' blog , thaaaank ;3

It's been 20 days and I'm still the same.

I haven't posted here for 20 days.
Twenty days.

You guys must think I'm dead or something. Well, don't be scared, I'm not. I was just not really in the mood to write anything. That and I didn't really have much time. Like, I went to Lithuania last week, so you can imagine how busy I was there. Literally, that week went past so quickly I barely had time to hang out with my family. I miss them already, I wanna go back.
Like, if I'm being honest here, that week made me realise that I don't want to be here anymore. I want to travel and I want to explore my possibilities, I wanna quit my studies, I just want to live. And I know that's irresponsible, that's why I'm still here, paying my rent, going to classes and smiling to people that I don't even want to see anymore.
That sounds so dramatic, I know, but the longer this year goes in, the more I want to quit everything. It might have to do with the fact that I know I'm not wanted in the house I live in, but you know me. I'm 'go with the flow' girl. It's just... I don't know. It's not nice to look at someone when you know they don't want you here. I was told by my housemates to talk to them if I don't like something, but honestly, how do I tell them that I'm really hurt by what they said? I know I said it's not a big deal, but it is. Anyone I talked to about this are surprised how I still talk to them after they told me to find a new place to live. It's actually one of the reasons why I got back to Lithuania. I wanted a break from all the negativity around me and it was a blessing to see my family and be around people who truly loves me.
You know what else? I got tired of hearing how rude I am. Fine. I'm rude. deal with it. I use phrase 'good for you' mostly when I'm happy for someone and you British people just take it as an insult. Well fuck that, ok? If you don't want to accept it as me being happy for you, then maybe I should be sarcastic towards you. And you know, I used this phrase today pretty much as a joke, since my housemate corrects me everytime, and she was like 'you won't have any friends if you keep saying it' and I replied with 'I'll have you guys' and the noise she made was not comforting at all. Maybe they don't consider me as their friend? Well, that's a bit racist then. Am I over thinking again?

I miss my family. I want to be with them, I really fucking want to go back. I know there is nothing for me there, I have a great job here, but fuck it's hard. It's hard knowing that my friends are pretending to be my friends because they want to be polite. It's hard that my friends rather be high than spend remember me from time to time. It's fucking hard to be on my own.

I'm sorry I'm getting all emotional, maybe it's the pms thing. It's just I'm not sure what I want to do with my life anymore. I want to move countries, I want to start from the scratch, but look how that went the first time. I'm not someone who trusts people easily. I'm not the one who easily finds friends. I'm the loner type and I need someone who would drag me out of the house to socialise. God, if not my work, I'd probably be mad by now. I was so surprised when my auntie looked at me crying about all of this and she was like 'so no one gives you attention you need?'. And she wasn't criticising or mocking me. She genuinely knew that I need my attention. I need to know I'm not the only one always being affectionate towards my so called friends.

Anyway, sorry about this. I'm going out in a few hours and I'm really tempted to cancel out, but I haven't been out in ages, so I really need this.  I'm going out with people I don't know (well, except the person who invited me), I'm going to the club that I barely like, but hey, what can go wrong, right? I have my phone, so if anything, I'll just get taxi and go home. I need to dance my ass off, I'm so tired of everything.

anyway, have a great night boo's x

'bunnyallura' gif is from there. I really love this one <3

I predict a life with 36 cats for myself

Hey guys!

I know I haven't posted in a while, I really wanted to, but never got around to do it.
I guess I can start with the terrible friday that I had. Like, my Brother scared the shit out of me when he called me before work crying about being alone (he's with his dad atm). Like, I'm not going to talk about the whole situation, but I felt so helpless and I hated it. So yeah, you can imagine I wasn't in the best mood at the start of work. I mean, it got a bit better afterwards because I knew my brother was taking care of by one of our aunties. Anyway. The very same night I slipped on the stairs. Now, it might sound fun, because it's not the first time I'm being clumsy, but when I slipped and slided down, I kicked a guy and he fell on my legs. Like, both of them. Now, on Wednesday I hit my leg pretty hard in the stage at work, so you can imagine how much it hurt to have like 90kg fall on the same bruise. I have to admit, it hurt more on the other leg and I genuinely thought it broke. I had a small panic attack, obviously, so I went to the bathroom and had a little cry. Then I got back upstairs, put some ice on and everything, but my bosses sent me home cuz I could barely walk and it hurt everywhere and it was just a nightmare being on my feet.
But that's not where the adventure ends. I get home, right? I got home, my housemates are awake, we have a bit of a chat when suddenly we can hear people next door shouting. Have in mind, we know that they have four kids. Five, seven minutes passed and they were still shouting and screaming at each other. Then we heard a bang and the woman started shouting 'please get off of me' so we called the police. They came over in like two minutes and we thought that was it. We all went to bed, but like half an hour later the same couple started fighting outside the house. Personally, I didn't hear it, I was sound asleep by then, but my housemates said they called police again (or they wanted to? sorry, can't remember).
Anyway, I woke up on Saturday morning and my leg was just all swollen up and hurting, so I had to go to a&e because my auntie scared me to death that I might have ripped the muscle or something. Well, I was told it was fine and it should pass in a couple of days. I do feel better now, but I still cringe whenever someone touches my legs. And on top of that, I'm guessing from the fall, I have a lot of bruises on my body. And it feels like I've been in the gym for a day or so doing intensive training. You know the feeling, right?

And on top of all of this, yesterday I had a guy saying he likes me. You guys know me, right? If someone says that to me, they immediately will get ignored and I will pretend I have no idea who they are because that shit scares me to death. I mean, I met him once, I saw him a couple of times at my work with other students, we chat a bit on facebook, but that's about it. And you guys know that I get scared stupidly quickly so now I ignore him. He sent me like 3 snapchats yesterday and one just recently and I can't be bothered to open it. I know it's stupid but that is a fucking big thing for me, ok?
There is a photographer at work as well and even my boss thinks he fancies me and he told me I flirt with him, but honestly, I am not. I don't know what flirt is, I just do whatever I feel like doing. I'm probably going to end up alone with my 36 cats. And don't say 'poor cats' because I love cats more than I love myself.
Gosh I need a break from this. I'm trying to get over from one of the major crushes that I have and it's working little by little. And like yesterday's 'I like you' made me scared again and I couldn't stop thinking about my crush all night and that just made it so much worse because I really wanted to call him and ask him what he's up to. And I obviously didn't do it, because reasons. Just... just.... be careful with me, I'm fragile. My feelings are not the most stable thing at the moment and just drop a bomb like that is not ok.

Lots of love xx

gif is from 'natainunpostosbagliato' ;3